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LIFE WITH AND WITHOUT "BABY-BOY"
Published On 05-31-2009 , 8:00 AM
"If you can't beat `em, join em." This old saying has been around long enough to have worn itself weary, but not so according to one parent with an unruly young man in her household.
Teenagers, explained this troubled mom, have a mind of their own and a parent's best way to keep the peace is to let young people, once they come of age, have the final say in all matters so they can follow the direction of their choosing.
Sometime, often times, it's wearisome talking with a parent who, pardon the use of a worn thin idiom, "Can't see the light of day."
But this mom, who was only 13 when she had her son, who is now the magic age of 18, probably doesn't stand alone in believing that keeping the peace with an unruly kid is the major thrust of parenting responsibilities.
The simple breakdown to a peacekeeping concept pertaining to a kid of any age means only one thing - allowing them to be in charge.
Can we expect teenagers to walk the line if they were never required to do so as toddlers? While the limits change over time, if the concept of boundaries, limits and responsibilities aren't presented early on and instead young folk are left to determine what's best for them, we'll have exactly what the troubled mom called for - kids following the direction of their choosing.
Children most certainly do have a mind of their own and at an early age they can be found demanding from those of us who are supposed to be in charge that we step aside to allow tantrums and other manipulative behavior rule the household.
"My house. My rules." Yes, the troubled mom said she'd heard this silliness and she called it silly because it didn't have anything to do with her own set of circumstances.
"I'm a single mom," she said to me with an attitude that suggested this lessened her responsibility for raising a kid who could understand that society expected him to recognize boundaries, limits and guidelines.
And mom also spent a bit of time attempting to convince me that raising a kid when you're 13 means it's really no more than having a younger sister or brother that you hang out with.
Baby-Boy, the family nickname for Mr. Unruly, was never made to pick-up his toys when he was little. When he grew older, he was not given any household responsibilities. He never had rules, limits or guidelines.
And when he stopped going to school in the 10th grade, he was allowed to just do whatever he pleased.
I'm not sure exactly how prison routines work, but I know Baby-Boy will have to walk the line. I can't predict what the judge will say when it's time for sentencing but I'm quite certain the person in the judicial robe isn't going to consider how best to keep the peace.
Troubled Mom says she can't imagine life with her Baby-Boy behind bars.
This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php
 Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.
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Comment
| | 1. | when one has a baby at home, it is imperative that personal habits of parents are brought in sync with the new one around, habits like smoking can cause immense distress, a nagging wife may act as a <a href="http://www.quitsmokingaid.net">Smoke Deter</a> ,but to give up or display restraint is prudent,
jim
- by Smoke Deter, 10-28-2009, 5:54 AM
| | 2. | "Peacekeeping shouldn't be parent's goal," and felt compelled to comment on it. I think Smith is pretty harsh toward this mother of an out-of-control man-child. She should've reserved her scorn for the absent male parent of "Baby-Boy".
As a father of four grown children, I am outraged that this sperm-donor %28I don't want to honor him with the title of father%29 took no responsibility for the upbringing of his son; now Smith, too, lets him off the hook with no mention of his role in this family debacle.
When I think about this single mom's circumstances, I am angry not only that her own parents failed to impart to her the dignity of her personhood, but also that they did not protect her from him who robbed her of her childhood.
I believe that, as a child herself, she did her best to raise Baby-Boy alone and without the parental preparation both she and her son deserved. I imagine that, at some point, Baby-Boy looked at her, and, tired of her "nagging" him about his responsibilities, thought to himself: "If my dad had no respect for you, why should I?"
A dad could've taught him how a man fulfills his responsibilities. A dad could have set him straight about respecting and obeying "the woman I love." A dad could've shown him her value by the ways he cherished her. A dad could've provided the tough love when Mom was not able to.
Mom tried to keep peace because all else failed, and all she wanted now was to minimize the damage. But the damage had been done years before, when the man who should've been there to partner in the raising of a son wasn't. And now Baby-Boy is headed for jail.
- by Daniel Acosta, 06-12-2009, 3:37 PM
| | 3. | Ms Smith,
I don't know why some other people who post here regularly - all of the time - keep having something to say that is encouraging. The problems you blog about are just no more than the lifestyle of "dummies" who don't want to be part of our America. Just because they look like America's new president makes them really want to do "there own thing" like the teenager mother wants her jail bird son to keep on doing.
I think you mean well but your need to write about something else we can relate to and maybe even help out. But not these dummies. Come on - give em up!
- by preston, 05-31-2009, 1:28 PM
| | 4. | Shirlee,
All you can do is keep putting it out there. Parents can choose to listen, or they can choose to tune you out. Those who choose the latter, can suffer the consequences and reap the wind.
Hank
- by Hank Wilfong, 05-31-2009, 9:15 AM
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