Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith: Blog

KIDS IN FOSTER CARE ARE WAITING FOR YOU

2012-05-17 06:13:08

National Foster Care Month bounces in every May. But how unfortunate it is that our kids in the system are being bounced around all year long.

Stability? My foster daughter’s story amazed the judge when we had a hearing in Children’s Court and he learned that at her tender age of four she’d been in the same placement since birth.

She’s now 21 years old and no longer considered “in the system” but still maintains the same home she’s always had.

Disrupted placements? My neighbor learned the pre-school-age foster children in her care were being denied the payment scale she believed their medical/psychological issues merited. The two little girls were placed elsewhere.

Too tough to handle? Teenagers, in general, are known for being unmanageable. The young ladies I heard about who only made it through their most recent stay for about two weeks were said to have pulled some stuff the licensed, but aging, caretaker wasn’t prepared to handle.

Commitment? There are those foster parents who devote their time and who find resources to assist them in providing the care needed for the multitude of issues that often permeate the children’s lives whether medical, social or psychological.

In general, children in the foster care system are no “piece of cake” but, in reality, caring for our own offspring is no bed of roses.

Uh, is this a pitch? You betcha.

If you’re raising kids and have, to the smallest degree, perfected a formula for maintaining your sanity while at the same time providing them with a lifestyle and home environment that spells success, why not share your expertise with a kid who needs your love and know-how?

For information online, check out www.beafosterparent.com, or for another approach and to locate a Department of Social Services office near you, call 1-800-624-KIDS.

SWEETER THAN CANDY, BETTER THAN A CARD

2012-05-11 20:36:29

Little did my mother, the late Bernice Smiley , know that her beliefs about Mother's Day

followed the sentiments of the mother who got the whole thing started.

Mother's Day founder Anna Jarvis didn't take well to the commercialization of what she worked hard to establish as a tribute and as time for family.

Maybe my mother knew about Jarvis, who spent her inheritance and older years fighting against what the celebration had become. Jarvis was even arrested in 1923 for staging a protest.

Jarvis saw the purchasing of greeting cards as a sign of being too lazy to pen a personal note.

My mother was totally against cards, presents or flowers, and I suspect she even would have balked at a hand-written note.

Bernice Smiley said the only satisfactory tribute her children could provide was to follow her teachings every day of every year.

In short, my mother wanted something the department stores, candy shops and florists didn't have on their shelves.

I wasn't the kind of kid to question social norms and I certainly didn't know anything about commercialization. I simply wanted to be like every other kid. So my mother was the culprit. My mother was the weirdo.

All the other kids got to talk about what they were getting their mom for the big day, and I simply took to making up stuff. What kid on the block is going to talk about giving the gift of obedience and living a life according to some something dumb called a family value system?

History, as is said, has a way of repeating itself.

“What kind of flowers are you giving?” my older daughter's friend, Marie, asked my daughter Pamela.

Marie didn't take Pamela's word that I didn't want flowers, to go out to dinner or any of the other commercial rewards that Jarvis, founder of our day, had protested.

When Marie arrived at our house with a beautiful orchid and an oversized card, she found me in ragged work clothes, digging holes and pulling weeds.

Disappointment permeated the scene, and while I profusely thanked her for being so thoughtful, both my behavior and attire seemed to strike her as a blatant attack on motherhood.

I don't see or hear from my off-spring on this supposedly special day, and I don't want to. I want this day for myself, by myself.

I guess I'm a chip off the old block. My mother always said that instead of being honored one special day, she'd most appreciate her children paying honor to her teachings the other 364.

Happy Mother's Day to all moms — natural, surrogate, adoptive, step and foster.

Some will wear roses today, red or white, depending on whether mom is still with us or has made the great transition.

In honor of my mom, who passed away many years ago, if the weather permits I'll be in my yard fertilizing roses — both the red and the white. Since my philosophy says moms never really pass away, all colors get my attention today.

PIANO INTERLUDE, A LOST OPPORTUNITY

2012-04-28 21:25:20

“Play Me I'm Yours” shut down on Thursday, May 3. Now, the 30 upright pianos with the bright decorations are gone from their locations around Los Angeles County.

But hey, they were almost right next door. In Pasadena, one was hanging at the Pasadena Conservatory of Music at One Colorado in Old Pasadena and in the Vroman's Bookstore courtyard in the Playhouse District.

Vroman's Bookstore. I love the place — but I try to stay away as much possible. However, the lure of a piano in the courtyard made me abandon my self-proclaimed schedule of only visiting once every few months.

I sat down on the piano bench, adjusted myself, lifted my hands and curved my fingers in what my long-time teacher, Mrs. Kingsberry, had insisted was the proper approach.

I stared at the keyboard — but which notes would deliver “Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair”?

The one tune I've remembered from childhood is now, disappointingly, something I am unable to delight in.

A lady with her walker, who heard me grumbling about “Jeanie” as she made her way to the piano, quietly slipped onto the bench when I got up and in an instant made my forgotten tune come to life.

She smiled and said she has continually practiced.

Cheaters never win. My mother insisted that I spend an hour every day at the piano. I always changed the hands on the clock.

My piano teachers always had recitals their students were expected to perform in. I always looked for ways not to participate.

Maybe I would have been more content practicing if my parents had allowed me to take a brush and some hot pink paint to the plain-looking piece of furniture where I practiced so I could to create my interpretation of the comic strip characters Nancy and Sluggo.

“Play Me I'm Yours” locations even offered a collection of music books for all levels of sharps, flats and piano-chord worshippers. They were of no help to me.

Am I reaping what I have sown? Surely I can be forgiven for being an unruly kid who didn't recognize the opportunity my parents were affording me.

Guidance from elders is an influence, whether youngsters want to accept it or not.

I love piano music and sat there in the courtyard mesmerized by those who came to deliver concert-level performances.

Originally opening in London in 2008, “Play Me I'm Yours” has toured the world and is being sponsored here by the Los Angeles Chamber Orchestra. British artist Luke Jerram created this masterpiece in which more than 500 pianos have been installed in cities around the world.

Los Angeles county's pianos — decorated by local artists and community organizations — provided the opportunity for all of us to play our own favorite tune or listen to others.

Visit www.streetpianosla.com to see photos and videos.

SCAPEGOAT SPOTTED ON ORANGE GROVE

2012-04-13 05:03:21

Long before cell phones were in everyone's hands or home telephones were called landlines, phone booths could be found on many a street corner.

Ah, yesteryear. Much has changed since the old days. But too much has remained the same.

The tall white guy with blond hair had a knife to my teenage daughter's neck as he pushed open the door of a phone booth at a gas station and demanded I follow him to a darkened area.

I quickly told the person on the other end of my call to get the police to the corner of Orange Grove Boulevard and Lake Avenue. Then I complied with the assailant's order. But on the walk I managed to pull my hysterical teenager free.

Mr. Blond disappeared into the night.

Pasadena police arrived and, with the description of the assailant, asked me to ride with them as they canvassed the area.

In an alley, their squad car came upon a crouched figure. The short Latino guy was ordered to stand with his hands in the air. I was asked to identify the suspect who wasn't tall, white or blond.

I said he wasn't the culprit, but the police handcuffed him anyway.

Recently Oscar Carrillo — who called in the false 911 report the night his car was allegedly burglarized by a 17-year-old aided by Kendrec McDade (killed later that night by police) — put himself in harm's way when he used his cell phone to make that report.

Carrillo's call, his subsequent arrest for lying about whether his assailants had guns, and his brush with immigration authorities regarding his status in this country, have wrongly placed him front and center in the tragedy that took place when Pasadena police officers Mathew Griffin and Jeff Newlen shot and killed the unarmed 19-year-old McDade.

Carrillo more than likely believed he would get a quicker police response if he reported weapons were used in the burglary. But exaggerating a problem is not an unfamiliar tactic when a person wants to shorten their wait time.

Nor is law enforcement's ability to select a scapegoat anything new.

On March 31 Pasadena Police Chief Sanchez held a meeting at New Revelation Missionary Baptist Church and provided attendees with his department's account of the killing, including a focus on the recording of Carrillo's 911 call.

Carrillo lied. But he did not shoot and kill, as the two officers did.

Like the Latino man in the alley who I watched get cuffed and shoved into a squad car while the blond-haired assailant was left afoot, if Chief Sanchez has his way in focusing on Carrillo's cell phone call, his officers will be left afoot to shoot down more unarmed young black men.

PASADENA POLICE CHIEF PROTECTS HIS MEN - YOU ASKED FOR MORE

2012-04-01 17:30:13

I’ve gotten many emails asking for more about the shooting death of Kendrec McDade,

The teenager was first shot by a police officer who was sitting on the driver’s side of the squad car. The distance between the murderer and the unarmed teen was approximately 10 feet.

The second officer, who was on foot, opened fire shortly after his partner in the patrol car fired.

The scene was a dark street. The officers did not have lights nor did they activate the patrol car system that would have recorded the incident.

Pasadena Police Chief Sanchez addressed the community regarding this incident on Saturday, March 31st. The gathering took place at New Revelation Baptist Church which is located in the ‘hood just around the corner from the murder scene.

One of the many troubling things the Chief said was that the incident was a very sad one for the City of Pasadena and for the family. This is the order in which, my notes say, he mentioned the sadness of the tragedy.

The only part of the orderly gathering that had a ring of striking a meaningful chord was when the moderator read the first question on a card from the audience and jumbled what the question was. She read, “Are the officers still on parole?”

A light amount of applause, but she quickly corrected things and asked if the officers were still on patrol/duty.

No, they are on paid administrative leave was the answer.

Other answers:

1) Officers are trained to shoot to STOP ( I has sent my question “Why did they shoot to kill?”)

2) Not an often used tactic/manuever, but Pasadena officers are trained to fire from their squad car

The 9-1-1 tape was played where the caller reported being burglarized by two men both with guns. Unfortunately, and as the police would have it, there are those in the community who want to blame the 9-1-1 caller who was wrong BUT who did not pull the trigger and who is not paid by taxpayers to "protect and serve."

Far too many questions were answered by the Chief stating “the investigation will show. . .” Or by saying, “We’re involved in an investigation. . . .”

The meeting was a sham. The Mayor opened by welcoming us all. It could have been a city redistricting meeting held at city hall. There were approx 200 people in attendance including several city council members, city manager and a lot of well behaved self-proclaimed community activist. I stayed for an hour and left 15-20 minutes before the event of support for the officers concluded.

The City of Pasadena is full of shit! Oh, the police report lists the officers as victims - which I believe, in part, means they cannot be named in a civil lawsuit.

Boy, I kinda wish my mother had protected my bad behavior in such a manner.

Please follow the links for a full report on the Chief’s meeting in the local Pasadena Sun and The Pasadena Star News.

http://www.pasadenasun.com/news/tn-pas-0401-unfortunate-son-how-an-unarmed-19-yearold-died-in-a-hail-of-police-bullets,0,4446983.story

http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/

PASADENA POLICE MURDER BLACK TEEN

2012-03-31 20:21:50

Kendrec McDade, suspected of armed robbery, was shot dead by Pasadena police officers last Saturday night as he was, it is reported, running from them.

Two officers opened fire on the young man from Azusa, one from his squad car and the other while engaged in a foot pursuit. The officers claim to have felt threatened when, they allege, McDade reached into his waistband.

No weapon was found on McDade, nor has a weapon been found at the crime scene on Sunset Avenue near Orange Grove Boulevard in Northwest Pasadena - the 'hood.

Maybe the officers felt threatened, as a 911 call reported that a person fitting McDade's description and a 17-year-old partner in crime brandished a gun while robbing the victim who placed the call.

But most surely, in our supposedly civilized society, the penalty for such an act isn't death on the street but instead an arrest, a trial, and, if found guilty, a prison sentence.

Is shoot-to-kill the kind of skilled training our police officers receive? Or is shoot-to-kill supposed to be an acceptable practice in Northwest Pasadena?

When McDade told his family he was headed out to Pasadena that fateful Saturday, it was just to be another weekend night in the 'hood.

Like any other young person his age, he probably had plans for the next day. As for those who loved him most, his family, they certainly had no plans for receiving that dreadful middle-of-the-night call every black family with a young male in the household knows might come their way.

But McDade may well have been up to no good. And furthermore, he shouldn't have been running when the officer was pursuing him on foot and must have surely yelled for him to halt.

Ah, so many of our young people are up to no good when they're out on Saturday night — or any other night, for that matter.

And so many of our young people don't do what we tell them to do and so often seem to think they can get away with, well, whatever.

But the price of doing wrong, being young, being foolish and being a black male shouldn't be a death sentence at the hands of those who are sworn to protect and to serve.

“This had nothing to do with his color,” a friend, who doesn't look like me, proclaimed about this Pasadena incident as he and I talked about the Trayvon Martin killing in Florida.

In the eyes and thought patterns of those of us who dwell in the vicinity of the killing — Northwest Pasadena — just about every incident of this magnitude is racial, and it doesn't much matter how much good the various Pasadena police programs do in the community.

This shooting is every black family's nightmare: a late-night call, a drive to an emergency room, disbelief, tears, a talk with the coroner's office, a death certificate and funeral arrangements.

This is any community's nightmare: a victim who lied about a suspect brandishing a weapon, the police responding like they're in a war zone, and the local folks pretty much fed up.

BEING YOUNG IS NO GUARANTEE FOR BEING FIT

2012-03-15 20:24:53

I dropped by the emergency room at Huntington Memorial Hospital the other night. Actually it was the wee hours of the morning — 3 a.m., to be exact.

My daughter, Brandi, was in tow. She didn't really believe her inability to breathe was cause for medical assistance, but she knew from past experience that treatment at the hospital would get her back to normal.

She wasn't alone in her quest for relief. The nurse informed us the evening easily could have been labeled AsthmaNight. Fifteen patients had already shown up because they had trouble breathing.

The weather has been crazy, for sure, feeling like winter one day and summer the next.

“Flowers don't really know they've been blooming early,” said my cheerful next-door neighbor as she clipped a few for an arrangement on her dining-room table.

But Brandi, the others who went to Huntington Memorial that night and all the other people who've sought treatment don't think of the early-blooming flowers in the same gleeful manner as my neighbor.

With the multitude of triggers that can bring on an asthma attack, blaming the changing weather, early-blooming flowers and the pollen in the air is selling the story somewhat short. But seeing so many patients checking into the emergency room at the same time makes a mother think the weather is the likely cause of the nighttime rush.

Nine hours in emergency with doses of steriods. antibiotics and inhalants did not crack Brandi's wheezing. After four days in the hospital, I wonder if, at last, she understands that being asthmatic is a serious health issue.

There's something about young folk — and I hear this story from too many other parents — that makes them think life and wellbeing are guaranteed.

The elderly gentleman who arrived in the emergency room on a stretcher, wheezing and wearing a breathing mask, received his life-saving treatments and walked out of the place.

“What!” said a wheezing and a somewhat dismayed Brandi. “I'm younger and so much more fit.”

One morning I thought to take some beautifully blooming flowers from my yard when I went to visit her, since she refuses to make that important connection between asthma attacks and the causes that can trigger them.

But since parenting requires the adult to exhibit so much more sense than the offspring, I simply showed up at bedside with a smile and pleasant conversation.

Am I worried about the young lady? Of course I am.

But concern aside, one of the more difficult parenting tasks is making sure that our young people understand their bodies and what is required to stay healthy.

Younger and more fit? Youth is no guarantee of good health, and being fit doesn't automatically come with being young.

A TASTE OF REALITY

2012-03-02 09:44:38

I'm a strong supporter of protest rallies, sit-ins, boycotts and the like.

These kind of movements have been instrumental in focusing much-needed attention on social ills. More importantly, they are often the power behind needed social change.

But Pasadena City College students protesting against the college because the California state budget shortfall has limited the number of available classes doesn’t speak much to the social problem of a budget crisis. Instead, and unfortunately, the students’ actions at last week’s board of trustees meeting speak more to the seldom-discussed issue of spoiled young people.

When education is handed free to our kids in their younger days, we parents pretty much neglect to help them realize the pot of gold they’re being given.

Our kids want this and they want that, and as parents, we stand guilty of providing, without explaining the idea behind the old-time expression that money doesn’t grow on trees.

I suspect the PCC student protesters have missed the stories about kids who never had their own textbooks but had to share with classmates. Classes for these poor students never got cancelled because only one classroom housed many grades and all subjects.

A one-room schoolhouse is not a figment of imagination. It’s where many of us have come from. We have not forgotten what a special privilege it was not to be working the soil on the family farm, but instead to be learning how to read.

Plenty of folks will surely admonish me for focusing on stuff from long ago, saying it has no meaning for today’s youth. There’s a lot to be said in support of student activism, and a lot more to be said against stuff from the past.

However, the days of old may well have an influence on the adults who manage the budget cuts that PCC students are protesting.

“How would you feel if your graduation date was delayed because the classes you needed were not there?” my annoyed daughter, who attends PCC, asked.

My answer: “In 1942, I never knew exactly how my young Japanese friends felt when they were hauled off to relocation camps in the middle of enjoying the freedoms afforded all the rest of us in the neighborhood.”

“You never make much sense when you tell old stories,” my daughter sighed.

But my world has no room for concern about students not graduating from junior college on schedule, not when I know how almost overnight, my neighbors, the Shimizuno family, and other Japanese Americans on the West Coast, lost jobs, businesses, homes, education opportunities, relationships and their standing in the community.

Being offered fewer classes and not being able to graduate as planned may be the elixir PCC students have never had the chance to taste. The student protesters need a strong dose of historical reality to help them recognize they’ve been living the good life.

ARREST THE PARENTS

2012-02-16 19:25:12

When it comes to parenting, it seems a practical idea to know where your kid is. According to local police, it’s even better to know where your kid isn’t.

Pasadena Police Lt. Thomas Delgado told the Sun in a Feb. 12 story that teen involvement in burglaries is highest during the school year and tapers off in the summer.

“Anytime you have kids that are being truant or ditching class from school, you’re going to have an increase in thefts in the community,” Delgado said.

Since burglaries increase because too many sons and daughters decide against showing up at school, and instead break into homes and cart off loot, parents need to recognize that this directly stems from their lack of proper supervision.

Parenting, like any other on-going commitment, works best when children understand the consequences of dereliction of duty.

I’ve heard the same excuse over the years from parents when it comes to ensuring that our young people do the right thing: “I can’t make her/him do that.”

I have repeatedly gotten a question about my own daughters: “How did you get her to do that?”

It is less work to establish rules in the home, and enforce them, than it is to interrupt a work day to go to the police department and collect a kid who has been arrested. That arrest journey doesn’t end with the trip to the station, either, because then there are court dates and the need for a lawyer.

Common sense — and I’m almost afraid to use the term — tells us that when parents don’t do their job, law enforcement and the judicial system must do theirs.

And about the loot the kids bring home after playing hooky, breaking in and removing it from someone else’s residence?

They stash it at home in the bedroom parents never raid because that would be an invasion of their child’s privacy.

According to police, burglars often intend to pawn the items they take, but sometimes teenage girls look for purses or clothes they decide to keep.

Duty requires that all parents know what’s in their home. A new purse? Where’s the sales receipt? No sales receipt, no purse.

I conduct parenting workshops. Some of those workshops are at a women’s prison. An incarcerated mom once asked if any of my kids had gone to prison.

“My kids called me the warden,” was my answer. “They knew what lock-up would be like.”

For parents who don’t know their kids are cutting class, there is no excuse. For parents who allow stolen goods to be brought into their home, that is dereliction of duty.

While Delgado advises residents not to make it easy on would-be intruders, I’m looking for someone in an official capacity to throw the book — some charges — at the parents of teens who break the law.

POVERTY TOUR MENTALITY COMES TO CALTECH

2012-02-02 19:04:28

Tavis Smiley, author and host of television and radio talk shows, spoke in Pasadena last week at an event sponsored by the Caltech Y and Black Students at Caltech Present. I forgot to attend the event held at Caltech’s Beckman Auditorium.

On second thought, I’m not quite so sure that it was forgetfulness that kept me from listening to the learned speaker lambaste President Obama for neglecting America’s poor.

Speakers at Beckman Auditorium generally entertain questions from the audience, and I suspect my staying away was pretty much a reflection of my mother’s way of raising me.

“If you can’t say anything good, Shirlee Annette, just keep your mouth shut,” she hammered at me throughout my growing years. If you’re a regular reader of this blog/column, you know I have strayed far from her teaching.

According to the Pasadena Sun’s coverage of the event, one student in attendance told Smiley she was pleased to have a speaker who wasn’t addressing physics or science, and asked if he thought unemployment has increased because Americans today are simply lazier than past generations were.

With an audience member that naive, I’m surprised Smiley didn’t seize the opportunity to provide clips from the recent Poverty Tour he and his sidekick, Princeton Professor Cornell West, conducted across the country.

Instead, he is reported to have answered, “I think it’s hogwash.” He went on to explain, “The reason we are in the mess that we are in, in a word: Greed.”

If we think that answer sounds like the Occupy movement, we may be on to something. What’s really going on when it comes to lambasting the president for ignoring the plight of hungry Americans? What’s really going on when Smiley comes to town to raise consciousness in regard to the 99%?

Back in the day, back in the 1960s, messages like Smiley’s were most often attributed to “poverty pimps” — people benefiting by putting themselves in the forefront as the representatives of, or spokespersons for, disadvantaged minorities in the inner cities.

You may say I’m spouting hogwash, as Smiley is well-heeled and very well-suited. What has he to gain by moving to the forefront to help America’s impoverished?

I say, in four words: Greed for the spotlight.

He brought his Poverty Tour mentality to Pasadena, but only a handful of people showed up — about 100 in a room that holds 1,155.

Maybe, instead of the southeast end of Pasadena, Smiley should have stopped by the northwest side of town, where poverty has been lurking for decades and where the residents don’t see their plight as something new or newsworthy.

But among those I asked in my neck of the woods, nobody knew Smiley was going to be here.

Had they known he was coming, would they have gone to hear him speak?

Gerry Lewis said, “ I would liked to have listened, so I could disagree.”

Thanks to my mom, I wasn’t there to speak from the floor.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. PDT for Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 . The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo or click the AT&T Universe Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further information.

WHAT'S A MOTHER TO DO?

2012-01-20 00:47:20

It is no simple matter for a mother to decide what to do with a newborn she doesn’t want.

Some folks must think it is, because over the years I’ve heard people say, “She shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.”

That’s nonsense. Although not every woman is ready to admit her pregnancy or pregnancies weren’t planned, the truth of the matter is a whole bunch of women probably shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.

Motherhood is supposed to be so sacred that many folks can’t come to terms with a mother not wanting her child. It happens!

For every woman who has an abortion, gives a child up for adoption, abandons a baby in a trash can or drops one off at a designated safe surrender location — as occurred at Huntington Memorial Hospital last week — I suspect there has to be some trauma involved. It isn’t for the public to point accusing fingers, since we haven’t walked in the woman’s shoes.

In Chicago this year, a 13-year-old wrapped her newborn in a pair of jeans and left the child in a dumpster. A bad young woman or a scared kid with no one to talk to?

In Queens, N.Y., last year, police arrested a 23-year-old mother a few hours after she’d given birth in the bathroom of a hospital and left her newborn to die in a trash can.

Another bad young woman? Or maybe just one who doesn’t know how to make good choices and has no clue when it comes to available resources?

Across America, programs allow a mother to take her newborn to designated locations, usually fire stations and hospitals, and leave the child anonymously.

California's Safely Surrendered Baby Law lets a mother give up an infant up to 72 hours old at any hospital emergency room in the state. In Los Angeles County, fire stations are also drop-off points.

Last week a newborn baby was taken to an Alhambra fire station, and firefighters brought the child to Huntington. A bad woman? An unmotherly act? Quite the contrary.

The question this surrender leaves unanswered is why she took the safe route and found the avenue that would provide her child a home. The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services will place this baby for adoption.

What is a woman to do when she doesn’t want a baby? Abandonment most certainly isn’t the answer. Abortion depends on one’s faith and perhaps one’s belief in when life begins.

Is it for the rest of us to pass judgment or could we, instead, help by making sure our teenagers aren’t scared, that they have someone to talk with and that our twentysomethings learn about available resources?

Bad or unmotherly? Neither title helps us understand that not every woman who becomes pregnant wants a baby. For detailed information on national safely surrender visit: www.childwelfare.gov

BEYOND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

2012-01-05 15:36:07

“Just Imagine” was the theme of the 2012 Rose Parade, and it resonates in more ways than one.

Just imagine growing up on the low-income side of town but not allowing what other people call your neighborhood to crush your talents or your quest for excellence.

Just imagine that ethnicity doesn’t really hold one back, but that a person's own belief that ethnicity matters might.

Just imagine Raul Rodriguez, the awesome designer of Rose Parade floats, believing that just because he grew up with a Spanish surname in Boyle Heights did not mean he was destined for a life of gang-banging and serving time in the big house.

Funny how one’s neighborhood can become the defining element of who we are and who we’re expected to become.

Even more ironic is how our living spaces are so often defined by outsiders who simply dwell upon the negative and never seem to find the positive on the other side of the tracks — the low-income side of town.

The 1943 Zoot Suit Riots in Los Angeles and the aftermath spoke loudly as to how the public viewed Boyle Heights and the Mexican American residents who lived there.

Later, in the early 1950s, while a student in a leadership position at Roosevelt High School in Boyle Heights, I, along with other students, was sent by the school administration to ride along with reporters and photographers from a national magazine who came to the neighborhood on assignment.

We didn’t see any young gangster-type Mexican American men roaming the streets. The journalists were unable to spot any pachucos. No White Fence gang members were evident, either.

Somehow these outsiders who came looking for a story, maybe a focus on one of the oldest gangs in Los Angeles, had no understanding of our community.

Growing up in Boyle Heights, I never saw a Mexican American criminal. I never saw White Fence gang members roaming my streets. Pachucos were evident because of their style of dress.

If the writers and photographers from the national publication found a story, I never saw it.

Cheers to Raul Rodriguez and to his family for bringing to light the positive aspects of a proud ethnic heritage, and that of community members grounded in values that help mold young men and women of extraordinary talent.

Rodriguez, profiled in the Jan. 1 Sunday Valley Sun, apparently is known throughout the world for his float designs. He began working at the age of 15 when he created his first float for the Rose Parade, and 2012 marked his 500th creation to roll down Colorado Boulevard. He has captured more awards for his work than any other float designer.

Just imagine the Pasadena Tournament of Roses Parade without the artistic mastery of Raul Rodriguez, who believed in himself while honing his talents on the low-income side of town.

Indeed, Boyle Heights is more than the community where U.S. sailors, in 1943, went on a rampage looking for Mexican American residents to terrorize.

Just imagine all the talent that could bloom if the issue of ethnicity didn’t get in the way.

AN APPLE FOR CHRISTMAS

2011-12-23 18:14:17

My longtime friend Arlene McClain-Brown taught me something mighty important about giving Christmas presents to our kids.

Arlene was raised in Terry, Miss., the youngest child in a family of many. Way back when, as she scanned the too-many gifts I was giving my children, she told me that for Christmas in the McClain household stockings were most often the only present given — and the stockings for each child contained one apple.

“An apple was all they got,” I told the participants in my parent-training workshop. Eyes rolled and grumbles emanated from around the room.

The mood of the participants put me on notice that in this day and age our children expect much, and it is the responsibility of parents to deliver.

This is not the way our Christmas story should unfold. Why not raise children to understand that whatever they receive is a blessing, and the list they’ve been told Santa is checking twice has nothing to do with life’s realities?

Paying off last year’s too-many presents for undeserving kids just in time to sink into debt once more for this year’s wild spending is the chain — though one workshop participant said she had finally broken it.

“What a relief,” she said with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. “I’m my own person and I’m not listening to anyone else.”

Back in the day, Arlene’s parents didn’t have to compete with television commercials pumping round-the-clock suggestions for what to give the kids. I suspect her folks weren’t pressured by what the “other kids” were boasting would be given to them because everyone who lived on the country road and who attended the country schoolhouse was in much the same financial situation. No one had a credit card, either.

“Talk is cheap,” one loudmouth mother in the workshop proclaimed. She asked how I, Ms. Scrooge — or did I prefer the title of the Grinch — actually put into practice that which I suggested others consider doing?

I don’t suggest anyone go outside their own belief system as to what the Christmas season is all about. For those who see wild spending on kids, relatives, office companions and friends as they way to go, go for it.

For those convinced that they aren’t doing the right thing by their children if Christmas isn‘t all about presents, whether the family can afford it or not, go for it.

For those who stop to question what’s really important about this season and want to take another look at how things have always been, listen up.

The Christmas season provides our children the opportunity to share the abundance that may well be heaped upon them. Growing up, my daughter Brandi chose the top 10 from her abundance of gifts given by well-wishers. We re-wrapped all the others and delivered them to family shelters.

Brandi, unfortunately, has had to put her money where her mother’s mouth is.

PCC IS THE PLACE TO GO

2011-12-09 04:12:17

Pasadena City College Lancer Marching Band Kicks Off Every Rose Parade.

A close friend with a flourishing business is currently enrolled in a Television and Radio Department class at Pasadena City College. He told me something about needing to learn the art of the voice-over.

Though this gentleman is classified as a senior citizen, and one who has earned several college degrees, he has not been placed in a special class for those who’ve already been around the block a few times. Instead he has the opportunity, as do younger students, to learn in a multi-generational environment.

Then there’s the story of the disappointed parents of the son who wasn’t, for whatever reason, shipping off to the Ivy League college of the family’s dreams.

“Huh?” they responded when the suggestion of Pasadena City College was floated their way. “But, but…” they stammered throughout a conversation on the merits of attending our local community college.

Just about every Pasadena local can give directions to Pasadena City College, but few talk about all that this learning institution offers. There’s much to take in.

For starters, while searching for what to do over the holidays, going for a walk around the campus grounds with family members both young and old can be a winner.

One good stop is the campus art gallery’s new exhibition, “The Shape of the Universe: Recent Deep Space Photography,” which runs through Feb. 9. For sure, Jet Propulsion Laboratory is not the only space act in town.

Take a rest stop at Galloway Plaza, which offers an opportunity to appreciate just how fortunate our community is to have local philanthropist Bill Galloway, who supports the college.

To the south of the plaza, take in the Boone Sculpture Garden, containing pieces donated by the Hixon Foundation, yet another sign of local philanthropy at work.

Then to the north is the fabulous Shatford Library, named for local attorney, civil rights activist and former college trustee Walter T. Shatford.

Oh, you know all about these things. Yes, lots of us know the campus like, well, the back of our hands. But too many people haven’t got a clue.

Enrollment figures from fall 2010 give us a quick look at who’s got their minds focused on what the place has to offer. Out of 32,000 credit students and 8,000 noncredit students, African Americans account for a shameful 6.5%.

Is that just too bad for them? There’s that theory that says, Them that’s got shall get and them that’s not, oh, well.

But maybe before it is time to enroll a relative in college, families underrepresented on the Pasadena City College campus — African-Americans, that is — should recognize the power of this local resource and introduce Pasadena City College to their children as the place where academic achievement is a reality for the young and the old.

SATAN AT THE LAUNDROMAT

2011-11-25 22:43:29

The stalking and grooming of children for the pleasure of deranged adults isn’t limited to the scandal at Pennsylvania State University, where it is alleged this kind of activity has been tolerated for more than a decade.

Predators lurk everywhere, and they have the benefit of fitting into the surroundings looking like the rest of us. My daughter learned that lesson — in a Laundromat.

It was a beautifully packaged, seemingly expensive and advanced set of art supplies. Just what any young person who had a mind set on someday working in the anime industry would want. For a kid living in the ‘hood, with limited money for purchasing artist gadgets, the gift was manna from heaven.

But the seemingly generous bearer of the package was no heavenly creature. He had no visible horns, nor was he dressed in a red satin outfit and carrying a pitchfork that morning. But he was most certainly the devil disguised as just some person from the neighborhood using the local Laundromat like the rest of us.

My kid knows that century-old rule about taking candy from strangers. I’m sure she knew something was amiss when, as we left the Laundromat, she showed me her newly acquired set of art supplies.

Who! What! When, and how did this passing of the package happen out of my sight?

I knew the gift was just the beginning. A kid from a low-income neighborhood who is gullible enough to accept a gift and not tell anyone is a prime target for being offered a ride at a nearby bus stop and taken for a predator’s dream spin in his satanic coach.

Most who have heard me tell this story have been as indignant as I was, and still am. But there have been a few, only a few, who think I’m overprotective and have a vivid imagination.

Why was Brandi given a gift for artists? She sat with me in the Laundromat with sketchpad and pencils. If she’d been playing with Barbie dolls, the monster would have had a present in his car fitting that interest.

A vivid imagination? Some stranger who bypasses you and sneaks a gift to your kid has a well-worked strategy. Recognizing that doesn’t require any imagination.

Overprotective? Anyone who believes being alert and keeping children safe could cause more harm than good needs to understand child predators don’t just operate in the locker room, in the shower, on the Internet or at the local park.

PARENTS TO BLAME FOR EXISTENCE OF BOOT CAMPS

2011-11-10 13:22:57

Headlines across the nation are focusing on teen boot camps, thanks in part to Pasadena programs run by Keith Gibbs (known to many as “Sarge”) and Kelvin McFarland.

A video depicting a scene allegedly from their program, showing a teen wearing a car tire around the neck and being yelled at by adults in Army fatigues, aired on national news and set off the fury. Additional stringent tactics were involved in the episode. While Sarge has been under scrutiny for some years, I haven’t heard any complaints directed toward the parents who raise kids they can’t manage and who foolishly believe in any proposal that has even a scant promise of reining in their wayward children.

Parents shoulder the blame for teen boot camp programs, not the camp operators who have, in true American tradition, found a way to make a buck off those who abdicate to a higher authority.

Parents who, for whatever reason, don’t know how to raise decent children have created an industry replete with a wide range of programs portending to correct problems that the parents themselves have created and allowed to fester throughout their children’s growth years.

The kids being sent to boot camp didn’t just start having problems the month before mom or pop signed ‘em up.

The kids being sent to boot camp were most likely a good bit of trouble early on. Unfortunately, too many times the bad stuff we see in our kids’ behavior is attributed to anything other than our own parenting practices.

Who are the parents seeking such drastic discipline measures as a boot camp under someone else’s design and marching orders?

They are the ones who, with a bragging tone to their declaration, will say, “I can’t do a thing with him.”

But both law enforcement and prison officials will do plenty with the kids whose parents never taught them exactly who is in charge.

Who are these parents?

They are the ones who, without a flicker of understanding of their own responsibility in the matter, will say of their teenage daughter, “She just doesn’t come home at night, and I can’t make her.”

Before this daughter became a teenager, she should have been made to understand who sets the rules and who is required to follow them.

The focus of wrongdoing ought not to be on boot camps. The focus ought to be on teaching parents how to do their job, which would in large measure eliminate the need for programs that provide intervention services.

The kids sent to boot camp eventually return home to the same undisciplined environment that produced their troublesome behavior.

Home needs to be a place where, among other values, children learn respect for authority and learn they must follow rules created in their best interest.

As parents, we have lots of lessons to learn ourselves. One is that our children reflect that which we, as role models, present to them.

CAN I HIT MY KID?

2011-10-27 20:56:50

At Muir, the head football coach is alleged to have roughed up a student during a weapons search. It is said that the altercation began when the coach gave the 15-year-old an order, which the kid decided to challenge.

The student’s mother has since stated that if she had been the one to put hands on her teenage son, she’d be arrested. The controversial case is not the only one that has people talking.

At a local clinic, I recently overheard a related discussion among two mental health therapists. I’m a great eavesdropper. I learn a lot this way. Though they both saw me sitting steps away in the waiting area, I seemed to be of no real consequence to them. Had I been, I suspect they would have lowered their voices.

They hit their kids, one said.

All the time, said the other. She went on to say she thought it to be a cultural issue, and she didn’t think she always should report what she heard from clients.

An eavesdropper, unless she wants to void their privilege of being a fly on the wall, should never interrupt with an “amen” or a counterpoint to what she has heard. But I was reminded of comedian and businessman Bill Cosby, who brought to light a philosophy well known in the African-American community: “I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out.”

A few years ago, a story circulated around town about a teenage boy who called 911 on his father, who had smacked him upside his head. Son was removed from the home and dad was charged with abuse. On the court date to clear the child for a return home, the father said that was not going to happen. Dad opted to pay for out-of-home-care rather than have agencies tell him how to run things in his home.

In the case of a friend’s daughter, she chose not to call 911 after her mother hit her. Instead, she decided to talk loudly enough at school that others would hear about it. A counselor overheard her and, unlike the social worker who understood the cultural aspect of African-American parental discipline, dialed the hot line.

Mom got arrested, and daughter was placed in foster care. Mom got out on bail, and daughter called constantly asking when she could come home. Daughter was eventually returned.

Maybe if the mother of the John Muir student had been able to establish much-needed parental control, her son would have known to respect authority and not mouth off, in part, for the pleasure and entertainment of his peers.

But we’ve now got a teenager who has set a glorified example of getting away with challenging authority. We’ve got a coach who made a very bad hands-on decision. And we’ve got a mom who, with her questionable parenting skills, has produced a son who sees he can do what he wants.

Do some parents rough up their kids in spite of being threatened with a call to 911? You better believe we do. You’ll know us by our kids, who you won’t see challenging authority.

WHAT ABOUT THE FOSTER PARENTS?

2011-10-21 07:23:05

All across America the debate continues to rage over the country's failing public education system and how best to provide inner-city minority youth with school programs that will bring them up to par with students of another color..

The representative voices from various state's and county's family service administrators, the designers and overseers of the foster care system, have been conspicuously absent from the reports on the discussion.

Are they really missing from the scenario?

For parents who are deemed incompetent by various measures and lose their children to the long-arm of the child welfare system shouldn't their kids, who've been placed in protective custody, be getting a better deal than they had at home?

Those agencies involved with the removal and with the placement of children should be required to have at the top of their training programs for foster parents a component that focuses on how to secure the best education possible for those in out-of-home-placement.

But ask your average foster parent to explain the benefits of a charter school vs. a public one and your answer is apt to be that the charter school has a longer school day.

What's going on during the longer day isn't nearly as important to the foster parent as the number of hours the kid will spend away from home.

The benefits. Educational benefits? Well, that's a question that might be answered by saying the kid has more homework at the charter school.

What's the homework? Best not to ask, if you're really looking for an answer.

Don't mistake this commentary for one that's giving foster parents a bad rap as I'm simply reporting on what I've observed over the years of being a foster parent and observing how too many others see their
responsibility.

But the issue of seeing to it that foster kids get educated lies in the lap of the child welfare officials who continually claim to have the best interest of the child foremost on their agenda.

Crazy things happen with our foster kids when it comes to school and education: All too often their records don't show up in a timely fashion for enrollment; Too many times it happens that our foster kids are bounced to another home before they actually get settled in the classrooms of the schools near the home where they just moved to; More often than not, foster kids are far behind grade level and the drop-out rate is staggering..

The voices I've called silent in this ongoing debate on how best to provide quality education for disadvantaged students, will challenge my position and speak of their ongoing presence and
persistence in initiating and demanding that adequate legislation be enacted to address the problem.

Just this week, The Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute and Fostering Media Connections produced a National Conversation, focusing on a movement to improve educational outcomes for students in foster care. Via videoconferencing, teachers, students and researchers in California and Illinois exchanged the solutions and challenges they've experienced with a group of Congresspersons.

While legislation is of utmost importance, however, by not focusing discussions and follow-up action on the vital role foster parents play in the educational success of the children, means, quite simply, that the child welfare agencies in charge of creating policy change really aren't part of the discussion on educational reform.

RACE DON'T MATTER

2011-10-14 11:55:29

The recent physical altercation between a coach and a student at John Muir High School, a campus located in the heart of the ‘hood, is seen by many people as a racial incident.

That’s too bad, since the facts, other than the coach being African American and the 15 year-old male student being Latino, don’t seem to support this theory coming from both the ‘hood and the barrio.

One Latina activist told me Latinos are tired of being pushed around and marginalized, and that African-Americans should know what it feels like to be in their shoes.

An African-American man told me believes the coach was in the right, and that the problem rests with Latinos who think they deserve special privileges.

The reports vary as to who first put his hands on whom when the coach confronted the student regarding a search for a weapon.

Those who speak in defense of the coach say he is a former security guard at the school who received permission from the administration to handle the search. He has been placed on leave pending the outcome of the investigation.

In defense of the student, whether he was out of control or not, his mother rightfully says that if she were to lay hands on her son, she’d be arrested and have a case of child abuse filed against her. The student has not returned to school since the Sept. 28 clash.

Had the misbehaving student been African American, would those in the ‘hood line up to defend the coach? Might the African American mother say, “I’m glad he snatched my son because I’m afraid to; and he needs straightening out by someone.”

I’ve spent a fair amount of time visiting elementary, middle and high school classrooms, and my report isn’t favorable when it comes to teachers having control — unless we’re talking an advance placement class which, of course, wasn’t the scene of this altercation.

Unfortunately, the days are long gone when school principals had a paddle in their office and teachers could snatch a kid at will. Parents believe the law today says “hands off.”

When I grew up, I would have hoped my parents didn’t get the word that a teacher or administrator had laid a hand on me, because mom would have followed up at home with no quibble that the school hand was a white one.

That was then.

But yesteryear didn’t produce the type of students that schools have to handle now. Disruptive and disrespectful students are the order of the day, no matter their ethnic origin or grade level.

Yet in our current litigious society, no matter how slight a physical encounter between a school district employee and a student, court documents get filed revealing a student who now is unable to attend school and who made several doctor visits because of headaches, nightmares, depression, mood swings and more.

Fortunately, the racial verdicts from the African American and Latino community juries don’t mean much when it comes settling this troublesome matter.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

HOPE AND CHANGE - SOUND FAMILIAR?

2011-10-05 22:45:33

“There’s nobody home to help our kids with learning or with schoolwork because they’re all farmed out and living with some caregiver,” one gentleman told me as he headed to his car prior to the actual ending of the Education Reform Town Hall in Los Angeles last week sponsored by U.S. Congresswoman Karen Bass.

Over 300 people crowded into the gymnasium on the campus of The Junior Blind Foundation, but there wasn’t time for everyone to present their questions to the speaker, Russlyn Ali, Assistant Secretary of Civil Rights, U. S. Department of Education.

Bass, in her welcoming statement, acknowledged there were many educators from LAUSD in attendance, which she learned, she said, from the on-line registrations. But, Bass went on to explain, Ali’s presentation would focus solely on an overview of Obama’s National Plan for Education Reform.

Ali told us that when it comes to education, kids who need the most get the least. We heard all about the achievement gap continually widening between children of color and their white counterparts. Surely there had to be people in the audience who knew we were being fed warmed-up leftovers.

Ali, the Obama Administration representative, ended with a dramatic pitch challenging us to do our part in bringing about needed change.

A lady from the Los Angeles Music Center Spotlight Awards program had her question selected and was asked to line up at the microphone.

She spoke of the importance and the need for art, music and dance programs in the schools, and went on to focus on funding cuts.

Who was supposed to answer her question? Amongst all the questions submitted that night, maybe this one could have been ignored.

The lady who got selected and who didn’t bother to provide title or name, wanted to know why it isn't mandatory for parents to show up for parent-teacher conference, and she didn’t get an answer.

People began drifting out of the gymnasium. Some gathered on the steps leading to the parking lot.

Two UCLA students joined the conversation and voiced their annoyance with an evening wasted.

While Bass had promised the gathering a future meeting that would address the issues detailed on-line when attendees had registered, the mood expressed on the steps wasn’t one of a second chance.

Ms P, the teacher who retired from the district immediately after a student threw a knife at her, said Little JJ’s mother is too busy being cute and treating the kid like he’s “her man” since her baby-daddy is behind bars.

The man who caused Ali to dramatically place her head in the palm of her hands stated, quite simply, that abolitionists taught slaves to read and slaves taught other slaves. So take politics out of education.

Obama’s National Plan for Education Reform seemed as empty as his campaign promises for hope and change. Obama's plan offers states a deal If they adopt his preferred education reform policies which means, in part,, he’ll let them waive some of the more stringent and unpopular provisions of the No Child Left Behind law— the 2014 deadline for making all students proficient in reading and math.

Obama has said his administration will provide flexibility from the law in exchange for a real commitment to undertake change,.

From the mood I heard expressed on the steps, people want action, not slick speakers flying in from Washington DC to tell us what we already know – the education gap is widening.

ARETHA FRANKLIN CALLED IT "RESPECT"

2011-09-29 23:32:28

Increasing the cooperation and heightening the activities between agencies that serve families has been, throughout the years, an on-going and useful l endeavor.

Recently, the Partnership for Children Youth and Families presented “State of the Kids,” a panel discussion at the Flintridge Foundation in Pasadena.. Participants included Pasadena Police Chief Phillip Sanchez, Pasadena Unified Superintendent Jon Gundry, Dr. Eric Walsh, public health director for the city of Pasadena and Mercy Santoro, director of human services and recreation. Each emphasized the essential need for parental involvement if we expect children to succeed.

But as often happens, they were preaching to the choir. The parents who needed to hear this weren’t in attendance. The issue isn’t lack of programs for families, nor is the issue one of better coordination and cooperation among agencies, as is frequently suggested.

To the point: There needs to be a true understanding of why parents in need do not participate, and what can be done to change this.

What are some of those factors that contribute to this lack of family involvement?

Recently, I went out with an African American friend whose time in Pasadena dates back to her kindergarten days in 1960. During our dinner on South Lake Avenue, she told me we were out of place on that end of the city.

South Lake and Hamburger Hamlet, said my friend, was something our folks just didn’t do.

This story jibed with that of another friend, who tells of the treatment she and her mom received whenever they shopped at Helen Smith, Taffy or I. Magnin on that avenue.

Unwelcome signs don’t need to be hung in the window or placed on the counter. Families learn the skinny very early. And one thing parents definitely do is protect their young from hostile environments, whether it be on South Lake or in the social service program office.

As a latecomer to a city that is blessed with so many opportunities, I dragged my reluctant children to Beckman Auditorium, Norton Simon, the Pasadena Playhouse and everywhere else in town. But in the background was the constant complaint that there was no one else around who looked like us.

Gundry suggested to the Flintridge audience that we visit our schools and classrooms to see for ourselves what’s going on. One person in the audience, who identified herself as a parent, inquired about the insensitive behavior and the unwelcome format generally exhibited toward parents.

Gundry didn’t shy away from truth, speaking of of visiting a school and being left unattended in the office. He wasn’t treated, it seemed, too much better when he revealed who he was.

In this world-class city that is known for treating visitors so well, an unwelcoming attitude toward too many of our homegrown residents persists. This needs to be addressed and corrected. Asking Pasadena’s health, recreation, police and school district to heighten their collaborative efforts won’t do it alone.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

PARENT REVOLUTION? NOT REALLY

2011-09-16 19:31:18

TOGETHER WE CAN TAKE BACK YOUR SCHOOL, FOR YOUR CHILD, YOUR COMMUNITY, AND OUR FUTURE.

Parent Revolution claims to call for increasing parental authority over public education. But as a longtime advocate of parents taking active roles in education both at home and at school, I find this organization’s message to be a fraudulent promissory note, asking parents to believe that — when the note is cashed with the parents’ signature — Julio and Jamal will learn to read.

Parent Revolution recently has been active at Muir High School and Jefferson Elementary in Pasadena. It is painful to witness this organization prey upon the hopes and dreams of minority parents who, in their desperation for academic success, unwittingly align themselves with people who are no more than — as it was termed back in the ‘60s — “lackeys for the power structure.”

Parent Revolution? Not really. The organization was founded by a group of charter school operators led by Green Dot Public Schools, which already operates several schools in Los Angeles. Green Dot’s founder, Steve Barr, also served as chairman of Parent Revolution’s board of directors.

Recently Ben Austin, chief executive of Parent Revolution, offered an interview to the Silicon Valley Education Foundation newsletter that raises questions about how parents are being used by Parent Revolution, and for what purpose. “It has more to do with giving parents leverage to bargain,” Austin said. “The reality is that when parents have organized 50% of the parents in the school, they do have the ability to sit at the table and look the leadership in the eye and say, ‘For all intents and purposes we have the ability to fire you,’ and to look at the teachers and say, ‘We have the ability to cancel your contracts.’”

I’m all for putting leadership and teachers on notice. But I’m also looking to put parents on notice, and helping this latter group understand there’s so much more to gaining quality education for minority children than canceling contracts and firing leadership.

I first met a Parent Revolution staff member at a private home back in April. The group’s first public appearance in the Pasadena area took place soon after that, with the showing of the movie, “Waiting for Superman” followed by a question-and-answer period.

How could the group help parents? Well, the staff person spoke briefly about cafeteria food. It seemed this was mild enough for parents who might, at first, be apprehensive about firing an administrator, canceling a contract or bringing in a charter school.

I next met up with the well-financed organization in Sacramento, where it shuttled a busload of wishful parents, wearing Parent Revolution T-shirts, to testify before the State Board of Education.

With funding from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, the Wasserman Foundation, the Eli and Edyth Broad Foundation, the Hewlett Foundation and the Walton Family Foundation, Parent Revolution has more than enough dinero to keep up the rhetoric and the supporting antics. But that obscures real educational issues and keeps their followers from asking about the group’s real agenda, which unfortunately is all about charter schools, and not about Julio and Jamal or their sisters and brothers ever becoming educated.

Reprint from Los Angeles Times Pasadena Sun

RIDING FAST ON RED BULL

2011-08-29 11:57:46

Television show, "Family Guy" has an episode focusing
on Red Bull!

The recent arrest of 21-year-old Eric Petrossian in South Pasadena for the theft of Red Bull caused the city’s police department to put out a bulletin, hoping to find whether there is a link between this crime and others in nearby cities involving this controversial drink popular with young adults and then there's my twenty-something daughter who thought to give the product a try.

“The stuff isn’t good for you,“ I said to my daughter after she had stocked a few of the attractive red and royal blue cans in our refrigerator.

“What?” she replied with absolute astonishment. “It just takes like apple juice — well, with sort of an aftertaste.”

But unlike apple juice, a can or two of Red Bull a day is not likely to keep the doctor away.

Instead, visitors to the official Red Bull website learn that “for more than 23 years, Red Bull has been giving wings to people across the globe who want to be physically and mentally fit. Red Bull becomes part of their life: during study sessions, intense work days and late nights out, while on the road, and playing sports or video games. In short, Red Bull vitalizes body and mind in virtually any situation of our daily life.”

New reports tell us that Petrossian may have been planning on marketing his collection. The stuff costs about two bucks a can, and, I suspect, buyers with hopes of finding a better life in a can are plentiful.

Sounds like drugs to me.

The animated television show “Family Guy,” where my twentysomething says she first heard of Red Bull, has portrayed this life enhancer as a definite upper.

The lead character, Peter, after consuming the energy drink, talks fast, takes on new challenges and becomes an entirely different person. Even a flower planted outside Peter’s house, after having a can of Red Bull poured on it, is able to jump out of the earth, walk across the street and steal a car.

The consumption of this beverage is about as troublesome as the wave of Red Bull thefts that South Pasadena police are checking out.

Some people, according to articles on the product, rely so heavily on Red Bull to get them through their day — as the website suggests they ought to do — that it borders on addiction.

In 2008, a number of German states ordered retailers to stop selling Red Bull Cola (another company drink) after it tested positive for cocaine. While the levels were too low to cause health risks, the discovery raised awareness about what goes into these types of products.

South Pasadena Police Det. Richard Lee has said his department is looking for a common thread in the recent thefts. “For some strange reason,” he said, “ they’re just in demand.”

Not a lot of sophisticated investigative work is required to figure out that reason. My daughter will be happy to provide the detectives working the case with a link to the “Family Guy” episode showing yard plants hijacking cars and Peter behaving like a mad man.

The not-so-strange reason, I suggest, is simply one of getting high. The not-so-strange reason, I suggest, is drugs.

THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN

2011-08-27 10:56:55

On one side of town an angry mom, angry because life just ain’t what she hoped it would be, is yelling at her 7-year-old son, “ You just like yo’ no-good-daddy. You ain’t never gonna be nothin’. You gonna wind up just like him, no matter how hard I try.”

Yup, she’s just about right. Not about how hard she tries but with pops serving a 3-strike life sentence in the state penn, odds are the offspring will follow suit.

As taxpayers, we support the criminal justice system. We pay for the generational incarceration of families. We support, and in the long run, pay for, the daily, monthly and yearly upkeep of those behind bars.

On the other side of town, 8-year-old Granville is off to spend the day with his dad at the medical complex the family has owned for many years. Great Grand Dad was an orthopedic surgeon, Grand Dad was a pediatrician and Dad is a dermatologist.

Granville, like the kid whose pop is serving time, is most likely going to follow the family tradition. Granville’s mom doesn’t yell at him every day but in all her actions she helps him to realize what path has been laid for him to follow.

The frequent visits to the medical center where he’s known and is greeted with respect engrain in his psyche his rightful place in the world. Granville’s life of interacting with other children, young people and adults who share the concept of high expectations for themselves and for others have, for this young man, helped him secure his acceptance in any well-respected medical school.

Maybe, but I don’t think, we, the taxpayers, are going to feed and house Granville or his children or their children. But his medical family are, with the rest of us, going to keep on housing angry momma’s son, his daddy and the grandchildren in part because they don’t know how to break out of the lifestyle they’re accustomed to.

The orthopedist, pediatrician, dermatologist and young Granville have lived by a code and a pattern that’s been handed down through their family. They know the ropes and they know other people who are pretty much like they are.

Pardon me, but I forgot the 7-year-old’s name. However it doesn’t matter, anyway, because he’ll soon be known best by the number he’s given in his state’s youth authority system. And that number might even be the same he’s known by in the prison he’s ready for when he becomes 18.

He, like some of his Homies, won’t even get a chance to hit the streets after he’s served time as a juvenile but, instead, will just get transferred over. He might even get to meet the “no-good-daddy’” he’s been compared to over the years, when he gets inside the walls where the adult men are housed.

Mom, from her side of town, while still angry, wlll marvel at her ability to forecast the future with no thought of how she contributed to brining it about.

On the other side of town, Granville and his medical team of relatives, with his mom performing as the facilities receptionist in their life outside and far away from prison walls, will continue to lack understanding as to why that “other” population just won’t do what’s right.

I MAKE NO EXCUSES

2011-08-19 15:53:43

It isn’t often that I take up space to clarify a previous position or to focus on the comments I’ve gotten from readers.

But it seemed from the correspondence I received that my full position was not conveyed after last week's writing against the British Prime Minister blaming parents for the riots in his country.

The essence of my parenting philosophy is that of parents being responsible for their offspring. While I condemn the inequalities in our nation’s public education system, I believe that if parents had the same attitude regarding the inferior education their kids receive as they would have if they bought a new car and found the dealer had sold them a lemon, schools would be forced to measure up because parents would not put up with education lemons.

That said, for a leader of a country to blame social unrest, and that in my opinion is in part what riots are, on poor parenting is a problem of ignoring crucial issues.

There are so many factors that contribute to the burning, looting and violence that occur in the streets, and to single out lack of quality parenting as the cause leads us to believe that if only the young people came from better homes this kind of social unrest would not occur.

I make no excuses for parents who don’t teach moral values, who don‘t preach against violence and who should have their children home at night or at least know if they aren’t at home that they are somewhere engaged in acceptable behavior.

However, I can’t support those who fail to understand not every parent knows how to parent. Families living a lifestyle of violence most certainly are not preaching against it. Children who experience a lifestyle of disrespect aren’t knowledgeable when it comes to respecting others or the property of others.

Moral values? Well, I remember the parent who locked the front screen and would not allow the crying son to come into the house.

Why? “Don’t you come to this door crying because somebody kicked your a--. You better kick his or you don’t have a home to come back to.”

The lessons of life that we teach children aren’t the same in every home. Are the juvenile detention centers filled because mom and pop didn’t do their job? Maybe the bigger question is are they full of delinquents because the parents didn’t know what their job was or how to do it?

Of course parents are responsible for their offspring and, as an irate reader asked, “Well Ms Smith, don’t parents smile and take responsibility when their kids complete their work at the university?”

Yup, they sure do. Those are usually the parents who knew the path for applying to a university, being accepted and then graduating.

For the British rioters and their parents the Prime Minister points the finger at, they are following the path they know and I believe, wrong or right, that if those parents knew better they would teach better.

What caused the riots? I stand by my position, no matter how many readers no longer consider me trustworthy, that the cause most certainly is not the simple answer of bad parents.

PARENTS BLAMED FOR LONDON RIOTS

2011-08-12 21:32:14

Are parents really to blame for the London riots as David Cameron, the country’s Prime Minister, has charged in his recent speech to the British Parliament?

The civil disturbance, as he refers to the riots, left at least 26 police officers injured and created over 55 arrests and was mainly carried out, according to news reports, by youths - some younger than 10 years old - looting and burning buildings and cars.

But as happens all too frequently, after civil unrest occurs, those in high position begin the task of shooting off their mouths and pointing fingers. Pretty much annoyed, in the first place, that this kind of nonsense should happen on their watch and in the case of Cameron, while he was vacationing - an attempt to rest from the exacting pressures bestowed upon a man of his high ranking position.

Upon his return to duty, it was at the emergency session of Parliament called to discuss the riots, that Cameron said family breakdown and poor parenting were significantly responsible for the civil unrest.

This guy's thinking takes parents to task for not having control of where their children were or what they were up to during those crazy days of street warfare.

Now, in the wake of uncontrolled anti-social juvenile behavior, the adult caretakers of young people are suddenly expected to be so much more than society has ever helped them become.

Life in London for the disenfranchised, like life in Harlem, Los Angeles, Chicago, Oakland or any of the urban centers in the good ol’ USA that I have visited, only becomes a focal point when trouble erupts.

The question of the poverty lifestyle that Cameron focuses on exists on a daily basis for families with single female heads of household, with children lacking access to quality education and people living in an environment spawning a culture that glorifies violence.

There’s no real help for troubled families whether here at home or abroad. Right now there’s lots of accusation, conversation and lots more buzz being offered by the pundits, but the issue will quite soon be put to rest.

In Los Angeles, Watts went up in flames back in the summer of 1965. The Kerner Commission studied the causes and issued a report on that unrest.

I read it back then so when I visit Watts in 2011 it is clearly evident how much difference has not been made.

News coverage of that carnage produced a photo that appeared in one of our national magazines of a young mother inside a burning shoe store, not looting, but methodically trying to find shoes to fit her very young child that she had with her.

Poor parenting skills are abundant when you visit the homes of those on the margin of society.

Ask the parents who I work with, who our non-profit organization has been involved with on the streets and in homes for over 15 years, about where they see their children in the next 10 to 15 years and many, straight-up, will answer prison.

For those who dare to think differently and claim higher education, any further discussion lets you know they have no concept of which road will take them there. There’s only one path on their horizon - the road to the big house.

Parents to blame? Unfortunately they only can do that which they know and Prime Minister David Cameron hasn’t helped them know any better.

FOOTBALL CAN BE DEADLY IN THE HEAT

2011-08-05 21:29:19

A heat wave, in very simple terms, means the weather is very hot and has been so for a number of days. Triple Digit, as the weather reporters refer to the temperatures when they get to be in the hundreds, generally translates for us common folk to mean - stay inside.

Football players, in hot helmets and hot body gear and pads are dropping dead again this summer because, it seems to me, neither their adult coaches or the parents of the players think like we common folk do.

In the midst of a summer heat wave, might parents say, “What about practice? Oh, no, you’re not gonna be out there on that field.”

Should any parent utter such fighting words, I can almost hear the teenager, the aspiring National Football League player, responding with, “But my coach said . . .”

What’s with these coaches? What’s with these men our young student athletes hand over their lives to in the chancy dream of being trained to make it to the promised land of football fame?

In Atlanta, GA, the local newspapers report that two high school football players, DJ Searcy and Forrest Jones, died last Tuesday following practice. Officials, the paper says, are trying to determine the effects of hot weather on the players.

At the University of Georgia, researchers are in the final stages of a three-year study on heat risks associated with high school athletics.

Scientists at some notable institutes are reporting that overweight players turning out for first time seasonal practice, this time of year in the heat, present a high risk factor.

In Texas this past week, even a high school coach collapsed and died after the day's practice. His preliminary autopsy report lists heat exposure combined with a heart condition.

Gosh, one doesn’t have to be an official performing an autopsy, an academic researcher or a scientist, to know heat isn't good for the body.

My mother said I couldn’t play jumprope or tetherball in my back yard on a hot summer day. My grandmother made me take her parasol to the corner store, even when it wasn’t triple digit.

Maybe these folk in my family were the background of experience that led me to file a complaint with the State of California against the local sixth-grade teacher who continually ignored my notes to him stating my child who had asthma could not walk around the school field when the temperature was in the 100’s and fires were burning in the nearby foothills.

Mother-wit can often trump those in power but I suspect the parents of athletes certainly put more stock in the star-maker coaches than in their own ability to know what's best.

Our aspirations for our children quite often mean the offspring are in the hands of others. May those others soon began to understand heat kills and it's okay for young football players and even coaches to stay off the field.

KIMBERLY WIMBERLY HAS GONE TO COURT FOR ALL BLACK STUDENTS

2011-07-30 15:50:23

Kimberly Wimberly, who lives way down south in Arkansas, is nobody’s country girl. The young lady recently graduated from McGehee Secondary School earning the highest grade point average in her class.

Most often this classification is known to crown such a student as the class valedictorian. The word is defined as an academic title conferred upon the highest-ranked student among those graduating from an educational institute in the United States.

McGehee Secondary School doesn’t seem to be quibbling about Wimberly’s top-ranked placement, and most of us recognize that Arkansas is, indeed, located in the good ol’ USA.

While the state was part of the Confederacy, the Civil War settled that concept of whether it was part of a separate entity. Arkansas is, and has been for over 100 years, located in the United States of America.

But something’s amiss as Wimberly has submitted a complaint to the U.S. District Court for Arkansas’ Eastern District which claims she was named the school’s valedictorian and then later given co-valedictorian status with a white student who had lower grades. The complaint further claims she was stripped of the original status because she is black.

Oh, you say, there goes one of them, again, yelling racism whenever things don’t go their way. What truly can be the matter with having this honor split between as many graduating students as possible?

In a school with a 46% black student population, Wimberly’s had to kick some butt to reach the top and having done so, this academic honor she rightly believes ought to be hers.

Kick butt? Her complaint also argues the school district habitually withheld from black students access to challenging classes.

Come on now, what’s that supposed to mean? To clarify for those who would pose the question, the answer is in just about every inner-city school district across the nation.

On the first day of every school year, there was just one question I asked all of my six children throughout their junior and senior high school years: How many white kids are in your class?

If they had to think about their answer, my next statement was; : See your counselor and change the class.

A high number of black students in a class spelled doom, whereas a high number of white students meant we could expect a challenge - a high level of work and expectations.

Kick butt means Wimberly had to, with little help from teachers or counselors, find those advance placement classes on her own and with the help of her home support group.

Cry wolf? I don’t think so. Cry racism? Answer for yourself why the black student with the top grades became a co-valedictorian.

Superintendent of Schools in Arkansas, Thomas Gathen, has told CNN that " . . . This is strictly an academic issue and a policy issue, not a racial issue.”

Perhaps, but officials who are pretty much tight-lipped at this point saying they’ve not been served with court papers, aren’t saying having co-valedictorians is not an anomaly and a search of their records will show us this is how it is always done at McGehee Middle School.

However, anything short of the school’s past selection process reflecting this (and I’ve got faith in Wimberly and her support team doing their homework before going to court) looks to me like white folks are at it, again.

THOSE THRILLING SHOPPING DAYS OF YESTERYEAR

2011-07-23 12:23:03

AS we strolled the aisles in the supermarket this past week, it was a return to the thrilling days of yesterday, words from the opening introduction to the Lone Ranger radio show.

The Lone Ranger wasn't riding again and it most certainly wasn't the prices, placed on the shelves in king size font, that took me back to yesterday.

Growing up, everyone we knew window shopped. It wasn't an activity to be ashamed of. It just seemed living in the city, even with a Sears catalog in the back bedroom, checking out what stores had to offer and for what price was a key component to engage in prior to going back to the store for a purchase.

While last week, the local Ralphs market wasn't displaying merchandise in their windows, for me, the old-time concept still prevailed as I glanced longingly at the merchandise and then recoiled upon seeing the price.

"Don't touch those animal crackers," I warned Brandi, who had cookies on her grocery list.

"Animal Cookies for $2.25 are not going home with us," I announced.

Brandi, while not having lived in the days of window shopping, has caught on quickly to today's version, which I've dubbed aisle shopping - you look, you see, you contemplate.

The frozen food section required that we also cut ice cream from our list. We've been "shopping" for this goody for months now, and on this day it was even more unwelcome in our cart than on past excursions.

Over time, rather than boost the price of the cream, the containers have simply gotten smaller. But now we were faced with both another shrinkage in the amount we would have gotten and a price increase to boot.

We wandered the aisles looking for the items on our list, but like Target, the 99 Cent Only Store and other places where we spend our little bit of money, items get moved from their regular lodging posts, which requires all of us to roam the aisles and, for some, putting things in their cart they hadn't thought of buying before leaving home.

High food prices, aside from the extra treats of ice cream and cookies, are driving low-income consumers to put basic necessities on their credit cards as income gains are failing to keep pace with rising prices, according to an article by Anna-Louise Jackson and Anthony Feld.

The credit-card purchases then boost the already too-high price for the item, because there's interest attached to the balance when only a minimum payment is affordable.

One of my older daughters, the one with the amazing will power, says she hasn't purchased animal crackers, a favorite of hers from childhood, since their price increased from 50 cents a package.

Window shopping never afforded us the opportunity to learn the conditions inside the package. In fact, this kind of shopping during those thrilling days of yesteryear never included scoping out food items.

Brandi says she's not making a grocery list anymore, and she's predicting animal crackers are a thing of her past.

We went to Smart and Final and purchased a giant five-pound box of Krusteaz Cookie Mix that makes about seven dozen different kinds of lip-smackers for about seven bucks.

Hi ho, Silver, The Lone Ranger rides again.

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED

2011-07-15 21:21:41

THE lady with the cute, fluffy and terribly pampered little lap dog said to each passer-by who stopped to admire the pink polka dot outfit it was wearing, "Oh, it's my daughter's baby but I'm in charge, here."

While I have referred to the little yapper as a lap dog, that description is from long ago. When doggie granny was through sitting next to me, she adjusted the "baby's" pink bonnet and put him in her purse. Well, it wasn't just any purse; it was actually a doggie purse complete with a lookout area for the passenger's head.

I suspect the proper term for this little pet would be to call it a purse dog but, then again, this term is only applicable when the animal is in transit.

The polka dot outfit was probably just one among many hanging in the doggie's closet. And granny was taking charge, I suspect, on a daily basis as to deciding what her baby would wear and also managing all of the responsibilities associated with caring for a pet.

Somewhere in our not too distant past, parents were able to recognize that children having pets in the home was one of the best opportunities for teaching responsibility.

Who should be feeding the pets and cleaning up behind them? Most certainly not the parents. Who should keep that notebook with the pet's health issues, licensing and other paperwork? The children in the household ought to do this when they're old enough.

There's many a lesson to be learned when it comes to discipline and for those of us whose household

members include cats, our kids, if we are careful to point it out, can see the frustrating similar issues.

In our house, Brandi understands but can't quite learn the lesson relating to screaming at her cat for knocking over the kitchen trash. She screams and the cat runs to hide. Screaming at the cat is as bad a disciplinary measure as screaming at kids - it doesn't work.

Well, if screaming won't work by itself Brandi then reasoned she should scream, chase, catch and then lock the cat in the bathroom as punishment.

Has it occurred to my daughter that the problem is not the cat in the trash but instead it is the trash in the kitchen that she didn't take out?

"Stupid cat," I've heard Brandi mutter and also complain further, as she cleans up the mess, that the cat knows better than to do this.

The cat is just being a cat and her young owner is being just that - young. But what similarities.

In every household, where both children and pets reside, there are untold stories of lessons learned or to be learned.

Getting back to granny and her gathering of compliments on the pink polka dot doggie outfit accessorized with the plain pink bonnet the pet she was in charge of was wearing, she may well be exemplifying that emerging trend called kids and a lack of responsibility which we see all too often with teenage girls. They think it's great to have a baby but know nothing about the responsibility involved; then they end up having it taken over by a granny who enjoys showboating.

GETTING PAST THE ANTHONY VERDICT

2011-07-08 22:08:58

It might serve the public well to stop obsessing over the not guilty verdict rendered in the Casey Anthony trial.

Was Anthony guilty of doing away with Caylee, her 3-year-old daughter? Did the jury allow a murdering mama to be set free? Did the prosecution prove their case?

Angry crowds are screaming "yes" to all of these questions. Protestors in front of the Florida courthouse where the verdict was handed down and bloggers and other writers online aren't accepting any of the words or reason explaining how our American justice system worked the way it should.

Gone from the counsel table is the sour-faced defendant who always dressed in drab-colored blouses with hair, like an old-time school marm, wrapped into a bun at the back of the neck.

With only a few days left before walking free, Anthony later appeared in court wearing a baby-blue sweater clinging well across her well-defined and curving breast.

The partying mom, as many called her, let her long hair flow down her back and drape attractively across one shoulder.

Tot Mom, as TV commentator Nancy Grace called her, was all smiles when back in court for the sentencing phase. The cameras even caught the most hated woman in America winking.

I suspect many of us wish this nightmarish event would go away. While the public is calling for giving Anthony some of what she gave Caylee and the talking heads on television suggest she just might want to relocate to another country, there is a desperate need for a formula that will take us past all of this.

There are plenty of good people not having kept up with the trial and this aftermath who say they have a strategy. Entirely too busy, they say, to let an issue of this kind consume their time.

When my daughter Brandi announced that "Somebody is going to shoot that bad mother" as we watched the televised courtroom as the verdict was read, I had to try to have an understanding that this wasn't just any old trial.

The public feels a real connection to Caylee and the recent change to a baby-blue sweater, a fetching smile, long swirling hair and a winking eye by the accused has helped even those with a strategy to move away from this issue see a woman parading a smirk and swagger that says, "We fooled you once ..."

For any reality show offers or book deals that may be offered to Momma Baby Blue, I suspect they won't be money-makers. The public is not going to buy this mother's story.

May my Brandi be proven wrong in her belief that violence is yet to come. May the security that's being talked about for the entire Anthony family provide them a safer environment than that which they provided Caylee.

How do we get past this? At this point, what does justice for Caylee really mean?

THE ANTHONY FAMILY'S TRUMP THE SYSTEM PHILOSOPHY

2011-07-01 22:17:12

From time to time, something really big comes along that also involves very little clarity.

Such events defy even the concept of explanation. Still, there may be a lesson to be learned from the scenario. And if that lesson is one to help us raise our children to be better people, it's well worth taking the time to decipher the tangled code.

Children lie. Parents lie. People lie. B.B. King belts out the truth in his lyrics: "Everybody lies a little - sometimes."

It's when people cross the line B.B. sings about and everything becomes a lie, and a big one - as with Casey Anthony, who is on trial for the murder of her child, Caylee.

Find the kid who's never lied, as the parents would tell you, and you'll be looking at a youngster who will grow up believing she can get away with, well, murder.

One of the best techniques for helping our kids find the path to the truth is to confront them with the lies they tell and to make sure consequences accompany such wicked little deeds.

We've all told 'em. Some of us were held to the fire by our parents. And then there are those like Casey Anthony's who must have gotten away with stupid stuff as a kid and then felt confident in carrying that behavior into adulthood telling bigger and better whoppers.

My biggest lie? It was that the kid from down the street came in the bedroom where I was napping and poured out my grandmother's perfume. And he came in the front door, I guess, passing the adults who were assembled next to the entrance.

It was about a week before I could sit comfortably on my very sore bottom. Did that keep me telling the truth?

Of course not, but it sure let me know there were serious consequences associated with such behavior. Some parents chuckle and call these incidents a show of creativity.

This trial, with the defense claiming the toddler whose remains were found in the woods died as a result of an accidental drowning and that mom is not to blame, makes a mockery of parental responsibility.

The crazy courtroom circus we've had the opportunity to view, by way of contradictory witness testimony by tearful members of the defendant's family, and by evidence that tends to point in another direction, provides parents an important lesson that we all should be teaching.

What I see in this trial is George and Cindy, the parents of the pathological lying defendant, having created their child in their very own image.

I see parents who, when raising this daughter, must never have spelled out the ground rules for truth, because that's not a value they exhibit or possess - and now, when the chickens have come home to roost, they are willing to do everything in their power to save the monster they created.

But their parental power doesn't carry over to the courtroom - it doesn't influence judge or jury. While the Anthonys are an extreme example portraying the need for those of us in charge of children to provide them a home value system in sync with the broader society, they are not alone in raising kids on a philosophy they think can trump the system.

TAKING THE 'LAZY' OUT OF THE DAYS OF SUMMER

2011-06-26 08:08:24

FAR too many parents are at a loss when it comes to managing their kids now that summer vacation is here.

This type of late June through early September frenzy speaks loudly about schools being seen as babysitters.

These months, when programmed academia has come to a halt, can be the opportunity we parents have been missing out on all year long. These summer days can be that part of the year when we find out, in case we haven't been keeping up, just what exactly our youngsters have and have not been up to when it come to learning.

Did our elementary student write any kind of report this past year? If so, unless the paper was an A+, a brief review will most surely produce a few loopholes that time spent in the local library can help fill in the missing points to the product.

While not every parent has the know-how to help improve the project, there are great people working at the library who can assist.

But let's be clear, this is a parent-child project with a little help from the staff who are not be seen as the summertime babysitters.

Often, parents speak proudly of their offspring sleeping late into the afternoon, which means, according to the in-charge adult who permits this inactivity, there's really not much need for any summer-time plan.

Oh, to plop these city-dwelling, late-sleeping teenagers down on the farm where their grandparents grew up in an environment when the work day started before dawn.

Oh, to see these days ahead of us as an opportunity to help our children be better prepared for September when it rolls around much quicker than we thought it would get here.

And why can't the teenagers spend a little time doing the academic work they never did last school year?

Myron, who didn't do so well in math class and did about the same in social studies and history, would benefit greatly from some parental summertime scheduling.

While schools are certainly on the chopping block for not delivering what they are mandated to do - educating children - there's a few things parents ought to recognize as our responsibility.

With knowledge available at the click of a computer, online search, there's no place for lazy days of summer. "Geez," my own kids used to declare, "can't you let up and give us a break?"

There's only one answer and maybe I got it from my grandparents, even though they did not grow up on a farm, "Your whole life is a break."

Summer boredom shouldn't exist. Summer activities shouldn't be built upon whatever programs the recreation departments and other organizations offer.

Surely we parents are creative enough to establish age appropriate schedules, projects, chores and cost-free entertainment.

Last weekend, two kids in my neighborhood had a blanket on their front lawn and a large picnic basket. They stretched out for close to an hour nibbling on snacks and chit-chatting with each other.

Some parents paint their own picture for the kids, others may not, as yet, understand they've got the power to make the lazy days of summer a unique and meaningful experience.

IT WAS SWEET WHEN DAD CAME MARCHING HOME

2011-06-18 00:45:18

MY dad marched off to World War II when other dads in our neighborhood were left behind.

How come Mr. Pickett, father of two, got drafted? As best I can remember, and there's no one left in our family or our circle of old-time friends who can say differently - my mother had filed divorce papers.

Well, anyway, that's what dad claimed. But history tells the story somewhat differently. Initially, it is true that fathers weren't part of those called up for duty, but I've read because of the rise in war casualties, married men and fathers were added to the list of drafted men.

So, no matter my mother's flagrant actions, Mr. Pickett was destined for that trip overseas aboard a UnitedStates carrier to fight the Germans and the Japanese.

Did he bring back war stories? Maybe so, but I never heard any. But he did return with some specials that no other kids on our block had privy to.

My older sister and I got loaded into the old Ford car without automatic windows, air conditioning or a mapping system and off we went to Fort MacArthur in San Pedro.

War meant a lot of changes in life and one of those was the rationing of just about everything. Having a candy bar was pretty much unheard of and both Baby Ruths and Milky Ways became no more than a thought of days gone by.

But not after Dad came home and took us to San Pedro. I guess it was the commissary where returning soldiers could buy lots of things. I had no name for the place and didn't really need one- for me it was the candy store.

There was something magic about being the only kids on the block who had boxes of the sugar treats when no one else had any, because their dads weren't returning from duties overseas.

During the days of rationing, I remember the man standing outside the Coliseum in Exposition Park who sold me a penny piece of bubble gum for a dime - and I was glad to get it.

With Dad back home and frequent trips to Fort MacArthur providing more candy than my mother would allow us to eat, magic was in the air - or so I thought.

Butch Edmonson from down the street, my father announced one day, would probably like some of our candy to share with his brothers and sisters.

But Ms. Edmonson hadn't filled any divorce papers. Mr. Edmonson had not been shipped off to fight in France and Germany. Young Shirlee Pickett wanted to know, but knew better than to ask, how come their kids should share what soldiers' families got?

My father had a strange way of reading my thoughts. Maybe because we were both Capricorns. However he came to see things, I didn't get to go to San Pedro again and our supply of candy strangely disappeared from the sacred storage spot.

By the way, my mother's plans for divorce must have gotten squelched as my younger sister, born in 1947 and classified as one of the many born as a result of returning soldiers, was clear evidence of a marriage no longer on the rocks.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 . The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo or click the AT&T Universe Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further information.

GOOD GOLLY, MS MOLLY, YOU EAT WHAT?

2011-06-11 10:22:55

For the sake of anonymity, I'll just refer to my one-time neighbor as Ms. Molly. I'm not going to list the names of her children, either. I guess this goes without saying, for to call the offspring by name would reveal the true identity of the woman who was supposed to be in charge.

Ms. Molly had five kids and one dog. It is amazing how pets have come to occupy a spot in some of our lives that often gets more attention than the humans.

Pinky, as I came to call the neighbor's poodle because it wore this color clothing more often than anything else, was only fed gourmet, organic dog food because, well, just because.

Pinky's, unlike the children's, dietary needs were a top consideration for my neighbor although she did put a bit of planning into the acquisition of what the kids would eat.

Monday was drive-thru at McDonald's, Tuesday was Jack in the Box, Wednesday was The Colonel's, Thursday was leftovers and Friday was a sit-down meal inside Carl's Jr.

"What?" she always demanded of me when I would ask about this kind of dinner schedule.

Vegetables? "There's lettuce and tomato on the burgers and potatoes are still in that category," was her constant remark when this conversation came up.

Fries, burgers and a shake were the standard food fair. But Pinky the poodle was not allowed to partake of any leftover fast-food junk because, well, just because.

The dog went to the veterinarian for regular check-ups, immunizations and whatever else pampered pets are seen for. During these visits, Ms. Molly shared with me that she was given sound professional advice as to what her dog should and should not eat. Plain and simple, she explained, only organic, balanced meals.

The government regulates and inspects what people eat, and fast-food restaurants would not get permits to operate if they were serving bad food, according to my one-time neighbor, who also believed a shake was milk for the day and a strawberry one answered the call for the day's fruit.

She didn't outright call me Old Fuddy-Dud, but by suggesting I haven't kept up with the times, or fast food, I got the definite impression my thoughts on what kids should and shouldn't eat weren't very current.

Ms. Molly moved away before McDonald's began serving oatmeal for breakfast, but she only went there for dinner, anyway.

What did her kids eat for breakfast? She said she didn't really know because they were eligible for the free breakfast and lunch program at their school and her only responsibility was to provide dinner.

I suspect this mother isn't alone in her belief that whatever we're sold in an eatery is good for us or it wouldn't have passed inspection. However, her calculation regarding a strawberry shake being something beyond red-colored sugar I hope is her own concept of what her kids are gulping down.

Talking with Ms. Molly, mother of many, made me wonder where we actually learn what and how to feed our children. If the veterinarian brought this dog owner to understand it was only to be fed certain food, what was the pediatrician not talking about?

WHICH KID IS THE BEST?

2011-06-04 08:56:09

The former boy's baseball coach said too many moms thought they could demand special treatment for their sons.

"They wanted this and they wanted that," and Coach went on to explain how too many of these moms thought they had a say when it came to what position their kid was to play on the team and when he should play.

When they don't have parents providing them with examples of how life really works, young people cannot be expected to grow up to be responsible adults.

Perhaps the rules have changed. Perhaps that old adage about how cheaters never prosper no longer has relevance. Maybe it never did.

The attitude that "my boy is the best pitcher on this team, so put him in, Coach" goes along with the pushy mom who believes her daughter, by any means necessary, is destined to be crowned queen of the beauty pageant.

From my early parenting years, I remember Michelle Mason, the dark-haired, blue-eyed little girl who was the daughter of the woman my mother worked for.

Mrs. Mason, according to my mother, the maid, on a daily basis told Michelle she was prettier than any little girl anywhere. Michelle, our family heard, spent hours in the mirror brushing her hair and practicing how to smile. She changed her outfits, shoes included, several times a day.

The little girl constantly repeated, in the same tone of voice, the words her mother pounded into her head.

Life went well until Michelle's first day at the exclusive private school when she looked around and saw many other pretty girls. She got off the school bus in tears.

Of course it was the maid's job to soothe the childhood heartache.

Life got more complicated at the Mason home when my brother went to work with my mother one summer day and was invited, by the son who was the age of my brother, to swim in the family pool.

The young man of the house couldn't keep up with the colored kid's strong kick and arm strokes in the water and was left by the edge of the pool.

Like his sister, he couldn't believe he wasn't the best. He demanded answers.

Back in the day, many of us in the African-American community learned a whole lot from the folks who ran the homes our mothers lived in.

While the Masons didn't set the standard for how kids on the other side of the tracks were raised, their method was certainly discussed, dissected and found to be lacking in responsible parenting.

My mother was known for holding conversations beginning like this: "Oh, no you will not, not with my grandchildren."

Of course we've known some people of color who are just as shortsighted when it comes to raising kids as the Masons were. This kind of parenting nonsense has no income level or ethnicity attached to it.

The coach didn't tell me if he'd been coaching a team for the haves or the have-nots because none of that mattered.

What matters most is that we, as parents, provide our children with both a clear view of the world they are going to live in and the tools they will need to excel.

CANCEL THE SENIOR PROM?

2011-05-27 22:35:17

If you catch `em in the grocery store, they'll be quick to discuss the high price of food and how they're learning to leave certain items on the shelf.

One woman in the 99 Cents Only Store, after emptying the goods out of her shopping basket at the checkout counter, yelped at her total price and told the clerk, "Some of this stuff gonna have to go back!"

There's not much disagreement these days when the conversation turns to our troubled national economy and household money being tight, which doesn't help me understand why all schools haven't cancelled the senior prom or why parents haven't simply said to their graduating offspring, "You're just not going."

One nonsensical response I hear often, because I raise this question whenever I'm in the company of a group of parents, goes like this: "She's been looking forward to this for years."

Another piece of nonsense that gets thrown my way says, "It's not about the money, it's all about making our kids know we care."

Caring about the kids, in the eyes of too many parents, includes the cost of renting a stretch limo for the ride to and from the ball. Then add in the cost of a day at the spa, with pedicure, manicure, massage, facial, make-up and hair styling. And of course the gown must have the appropriate accessories including shoes, evening bag and jewelry.

The young men will be forced to rent a tuxedo and the right kind of shoes for the occasion. They will contribute to the limo cost and are responsible for a corsage for the young lady that's good for one night only and then placed in the refrigerator until it shrivels up and dies.

Caring about the kids, in the eyes of too many parents, doesn't include making sure their offspring learned anything during the 12 years they've been in school. In fact, more time will probably be spent planning for the evening's ride in the overpriced carriage than was ever spent monitoring homework, school projects or academic success.

Should a parent disclose the truth about their economic circumstances and let it be known they can't actually afford all that stuff they put into their basket at the 99 Cents Only Store? Yes, I think so.

It's probably a lot easier to come to terms with the economy when it's grocery store prices wrecking havoc on the family's money than it is to fess up about the high cost of a prom when the credit card can get flashed and paying for this one-nighter will be taken care of with low minimum payments applied to the high balance for the next many years.

Oh, I didn't really forget to mention the cost of the tickets students are required to purchase in order to attend this high school rite of passage, but it didn't seem the thing to do when our educators are scrambling for every dollar they can find.

If the dollars spent for the ticket and other prom expenses are all about putting a dent in the education budget crisis, it makes cents that proms aren't being cancelled and darn it, once again, I've missed the mark.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo or click the AT&T Universe Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

UH, DID MARIA'S MOTHER FORGET SOMETHING?

2011-05-20 21:27:06

There are many conversations mothers should have with their daughters, which causes me to be puzzled with the Maria Shriver story, because well-heeled husbands sleeping with the household help (or others) is one of those mother-daughter little chit-chats.

This latest keep-it-going media frenzy is not really what we would call news in my community.

White men like Maria's husband, Arnold, have been sleeping with the household worker women since back in slavery days, as my mother told her daughters in those conversations I was naíve enough to believe all mothers conducted.

A look at history takes us back to ancient times, when men of power took to the sheets with whomever they chose.

How come high-society Shriver missed, in her upper-class upbringing, what we who lived on the other side of life came to know as the way things were? Weren't there a few previous womanizing scandals in the Kennedy family - Maria's family?

Shriver isn't the only one on the upper-crust list who's had a husband fooling around with the help, and she isn't the only one with a hubby who fathered a child out of wedlock.

I heard from my mother that my great-great-grandmother, who was freed from slavery at the age of 12, grew up in the master's house because she was the master's child.

And what have I told my daughters? I keep my family's old-time stories alive. I am also able to include, in this oral tradition of ours, the stories that have emerged from the latter day slavery system: live-in household help.

While much hoopla is being made of Arnold's housekeeper-mistress and mother of his so-called secret son wanting to be Maria - wearing Maria's clothes, her jewelry and dressing her son like Maria dressed her son - again, this isn't news for those of us who know the backstory on the help.

Throughout my growing-up years, I overheard stories being discussed about live-ins my family knew trying to explain their way out of a caught-you situation when they forgot to take off whatever costume they were using for that day's fantasy while the Missus was away.

Many of the wealthy women in Maria's family and in their circle of friends most certainly came home on some occasion and found the help wearing a necklace, bracelet, earrings or maybe even fancy lingerie that wasn't theirs.

Masquerading as the Missus is not uncommon. Help has long identified with the family they work for, and quite often the status the help enjoys in their own community is derived solely from the status of their employer.

I'm shocked to hear, from this current story of rich and powerful men doing what they've done throughout the ages, that their wives are allegedly clueless regarding this historical practice.

Was Maria really clueless? Didn't her mother tell her any of the stories my mom told me?

Even if her mom said nothing, surely she was bright enough to make a few observations of her own about the philandering practices of the Kennedy men.

WE CAN ALL HELP TO CHANGE FOSTER CARE

2011-05-14 08:28:45

It's an organization that tends to keep adults in their place. For once in their lives, foster youth have top say when it comes to the California Youth Connection, whose membership is comprised of mostly former and current foster kids.

Oh, there are adult members, too, but they don't get to take the leadership roles - and that's just how it should be.

Throughout the years, our foster-care system has shown us it doesn't represent a "Father Knows Best" scenario. Those who have experienced the trauma of having their young lives disrupted by out-of-home placement can most certainly provide better insight into needed improvements than the adults who have the job of managing California's local Departments of Children and Family Services.

CYC gets down to the mission of involving foster youth in policy development and legislative changes aimed at improving the system. The organization also works to improve social work practice and child welfare policy.

This isn't just a talk-about-doing-something program. These young people go about the business of both advocacy and leadership.

Returning from a recent trip to Sacramento with a group of young legislative advocates, Brittany Edwards was beaming with pride as she told me about CYC's Mental Health Bill of Rights passing unanimously through the Human Services Committee. As a sidebar, she threw in that this happened with two Republican votes - even with the political party's leadership recommending a "NO."

Emancipated foster youth, those who have aged out of the system, are now being reported as the largest group of homeless persons finding their way into shelters - outnumbering America's war veterans, the longtime leader in that unfortunate category.

There are so many issues to work on and Edwards explains the organization has chapters throughout the state with members who set their own agenda.

She says one of the issues being discussed among youth members is the pay foster parents receive to care for children in placement but too often the emphasis is more on pay and not on the care.

In looking back, she admits to being angry and rebellious during her many years being a foster child and now realizes the homes she was in that did care, she wasn't able to recognize their rules as being an expression of concern for her well being.

While Edwards had a tremendous experience meeting with the elected folk, she knows it's also the everyday people who must become aware of the issues that face California's young and vulnerable foster youth population.

Her dream: She'd like very much to see the stigma that's attached to being a kid in the system removed. Edwards says she feels literally less of a person because of her long time placement

May happens to be National Foster Care Month. But this designation only has meaning when we take note of what Brittany and the CYC are moving forward with.

The organization welcomes those who are not current or former foster youth. We can become volunteers or adult supporters. If you know foster youth who'd be interested, tell them about CYC. Learn more by visiting website at www.calyouthconn.org

THE MILLION MOM MARCH TO CHINO

2011-05-06 23:12:08

I've got tears in my eyes! Not because of a touching Mother's Day card, or an elegantly wrapped gift, but then again, maybe that's what the burst of emotion is really all about.

Mother's Day gifts come in strange and different ways. I learned from my own mom, a long time ago, that the special day doesn't have much to do with shopping for stuff. I also learned to believe in sharing with others whatever quality of life I've come to enjoy that others haven't had the same opportunity to experience.

It's the incarcerated mothers program run by Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, our nonprofit organization, and the community's response to it that's keeping the tears flowing.

Last week I wrote about the project kicking off this weekend at California Institute for Women in Chino and made mention that the funding we'd been promised had dried up.

Since then, we've received checks, small and large, from so many of you. We've received donations online and I've teared-up every time I open an email.

Meta McCullough, long-time local community activist, telephoned to say she had set aside a small cash donation but didn't have transportation - could I pick it up?

We were told by state Sen. Carol Liu's aide, when it was determined her office wasn't going to fund the project that was a year in the making, that we should consider calling the women's prison to cancel.

But there are over 125 women at the prison on the wait list. The current class is at capacity level with 25 participants.

We should have cancelled? No funding being the reason?

No way.

My mother was a domestic, and growing up there were scores of stories about maids and rich ladies.

For instance: A rich lady asked Bertha, the maid, to come into her room, close her eyes and only open them when fingers snapped.

When Bertha opened up, Ms. Lady was modeling a full-length fancy fur coat.

"Hm, Ms., where you get that?"

"I met a man with a million dollars."

Long about a month later, Bertha asked Ms. Lady back to the maid's room and asked that she close her eyes and await the finger snap.

When told to open, Ms. Lady exclaimed, "Bertha! Where? How did you get that?"

Bertha smiled, modeled to the left and then to the right, smiled again, and replied, "I met a million men with a dollar."

Next time elections roll around and I'm asked to mark my ballot for one of our trusted politicians, I'm going to write in "community partnerships" - for it is truly the million men and women with the dollar who are delivering. It is the community that cares about the mothers behind the wall.

The overwhelming response and support has been a Mother's Day joy that I and the rest of our team will take to Chino.

This full year of development for a much-needed program for mothers has been a challenge well worth the experience of a lifetime - thanks to all of you for believing in what I do.

Tax-deductible donations can still be made to Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, P.O. Box 40547, Pasadena, CA 91114 or, here, online at homepage "donate".

MOTHERS SHOULDN'T BE FORGOTTEN

2011-04-30 20:38:28

When we hear a mother say about visits to the prison from her kids, “I was overwhelmed wondering what I would say to them . . .my fear is being forgotten,” we know where our services belong.

Our non-profit organization, Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith, is headed inside the walls of California Institute for Women (CIW) in Chino where the inmate total is 2,597. While the facility doesn’t keep records on the number of those who are mothers, general statistics regarding women in prison say 80% of them are.

U.S. Department of Justice says female inmates have increased 843% in the last 3 decades. California’s female population is reported as the fastest growing in the nation.

With the assistance of California State Senator Carol Liu’s office, we’ve been working on our project for over a year

“Well, they’ve done the crime they’ve got to pay with time, “ said one long time supporter of the parenting classes we’ve been doing on the outside.

From Pacific Palisades to South Central Los Angeles, I’ve spent ten years working with parents who have nannies raising their kids and also with those who can’t afford after school care to handle the hours between when the kids get home and when the adults return from work.

I’ve worked with foster parents and I’ve worked with those whose children are in the “system” who must attend classes in order to regain custody.

Another doubter of the benefit for mothers in prison learning something about communication skills, role modeling, safe home environments, helping children succeed and positive environmental influence, said the only thing a parolee was thinking about would be a place to live, food to eat and securing employment.

Gloria Barrios, a member of the our prison project team, a current California state certified rehabilitation counselor and former inmate at California Institute for Women, doesn’t think that’s quite the case and we’ve taken her word over the naysayer’s.

She knows the ropes; she served ten years on the first incarceration and later, as a parent, served two years and thought constantly of the 3 kids she’d left behind and how, if ever, she could make up the time lost.

Incarceration was one thing being single, she says, but it was a different story as a mother experiencing what she had deprived both she and her kids of.

Last summer, Barrios was back on the familiar “yard” with the senator's legislative aide, Randall Sampson, CIW Community Partnership Manager and myself as we paid the first visit to the site where we will kick off the six-week program starting Mother’s Day weekend.

But now we’ve encountered another kind of naysayer. Just when we’re all set to go, we've learned funding isn't going to be available. With the state’s fiscal crisis, the prison system has been forced to cut hundreds of millions of dollars from education programs. Our budget is miniscule.

We’re going to the big house, anyway. We’re not going to forget the stories we’ve heard or the need we know exists because we also know that the betterment of mothers that of their children is at stake, here.

Maybe you, or some contact you have, agrees with us that mothers should not be fearful of being forgotten and one of the steps toward remembrance is being able to know what to say to your kid.

Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith is a non-profit charitable organization, donations are tax-deductible, and can be made through pay pal here on the website, or mailed to P.O. Box 40547, Pasadena, CA 91114.

NO EASTER BUNNY?

2011-04-22 23:01:22

There's a lot to discover about kids by the way they treat their pets. And there are a lot of lessons about life that kids come to learn when they have one.

Dana the little dachshund got let out of the backyard by, as the teenage owner reported, a nuisance kind of kid who lived next door.

The nuisance kid and his mother went looking for the pet and even checked the local animal shelter but didn't find the dog.

The owner wasn't taking lost for an answer, and every day after school went knocking on doors in her neighborhood. One week later, she found Dana the dachshund under a woodpile at a house about a mile away from home.

Not such a courageous story is the one about the owner of the guinea pig who, like kids in many homes, never want to clean the cage or feed the little animal.

Mom eventually tired of reminders and kept her mouth closed until the day her pre-teen daughter had company over and was bragging about the pet and took the friend to the back porch to meet the creature.

What a sad ending, but what a lesson!

Daughter dear, who grew up to become a physician - her mother was a pediatrician - remembers the shock and embarrassment of finding a dead animal. Nor a not very fond memory, but certainly one remembered.

Just about every parent at some point considers bringing a pet into the family as an opportunity for love to be shared and responsibility to be learned.

All across the nation, today, shoppers are picking out cute and fuzzy little rabbits to give as gifts tomorrow, as calling them Easter bunnies.

There is no such thing as an Easter bunny that will hop down a bunny trail. After they've been lifted out of the decorated basket they've been presented in, every bunny will be just like any other pet.

While fuzzy, cuddly and cute on Easter Sunday morning, by evening there's going to be the task of cleaning up droppings that just about every kid will complain about.

The new pet is going to create the age-old routine of needing money for an adequate cage (the pretty basket is not an adequate home) and food.

Then there's the care that isn't a welcome chore, and by mid-week the kids have abandoned all responsibility. The animals get dumped onto the street.

Rabbit rescue organizations plead with the public to recognize that these cute animals aren't toys and shouldn't be given as an Easter goody.

Not only are there a lot of lessons to be learned by kids when it comes to pets. There is lots to be learned about adults from how they handle supervising their kids, helping them to understand the responsibility that comes with being in charge of another something's life.

WHAT'S A BLOGGER WITHOUT READERS?

2011-04-17 19:37:24

Without you, the readers, who provide me with your view, this would be a lonesome pursuit.

I have a policy of not using the next week to follow up on the topic of the previous week, even when a large number of responders want more of the same, which was the case when I wrote about little girls and push-up bras.

Most times the emails regarding subject matter stretch from adamant support of my opinion to those who declare I'm a nut and say they're going to contact however many editors it takes, at the newspaper where this blog appears on the opinion page, to get me removed from the spotlight of appearing in the newspaper.

But when it came to making pre-teens sex objects, the views I received were 100 percent in my corner. The members of the general public were also outraged and made their views known, which caused the store selling the padded bras to change their marketing pitch.

No such luck with my whining about the increase in tickets being issued to drivers. No official word has been issued pertaining to letting motorists get by with even the slightest infraction.

One police officer took the time to ask me if I were suggesting he and the rest of the force not do their job. He further posed the question: Should the motorist driving a car with a broken tail light be allowed to continually operate a vehicle that is not in compliance? See his comment below.

Often readers simply use the form at the end of this blog to post their comments others send me emails and every one that comes my way is answered. No, there is not a staff person with an assignment of handling reader concerns.

For those who are surprised that the thank you for writing response is directly from me, I remind them that this is not the big time.

I do the work here. I also do the house and yard work at my home. I wash clothes, mop floors, pull weeds, pay the bills, grocery shop and all of the other on-going responsibilities.

The lady at the beauty shop, an avid follower of my words of wisdom, as the called them, remarked last week about my intelligence.

"Not intelligence," I responded and explained my view to her of what she cited as intelligence.

The reason she hung onto every word, I said, was that what she read pretty much echoed what she thought - it's just she didn't have the opportunity to formulate her position and then have somewhere to express it.

Did she see any sense in that analysis?

She seemed to be taking a stab at digesting my suggestion and I'm not sure how convinced she was, as it seems to me, a lot of people aren't too eager to share with the broader public that which they might express at the dinner table.

For me, anywhere I happen to be is the dinner table and I'm thankful for such an opportunity. But again, the biggest thanks is to readers and in particular those who take the time to send their comments.

THE MONEY CRUNCH

2011-04-08 21:39:57

The California Highway Patrol and local police officers, according to a recent newspaper report, issued 110,000 more traffic citations in Los Angeles County last year then they did at the start of the economic recession.

Speaking of the recession, many people, including an attorney who specializes in traffic cases, suspect heavy hands are issuing these tickets and are doing so to help local entities lessen their budget shortfalls.

Not so, say the officials, who claim the increase in citations issued is due to very legitimate occurrences and is all about safety.

A long time follower of this column, while concerned about her grandson's safety, was equally as concerned about the havoc he was wrecking on her fixed, low-income budget.

She never should have let hard-liner Shirlee know of the kid's intrusion on her limited finances. The young man lived with Granma and she took quite good care of him, from what she reported. Granma, however, wasn't very happy with my suggestion that she stop feeding the local municipality's coffers and instead order the kid to park the vehicle.

I doubt seriously that she, like many others, don't want to admit that times are hard and money just ain't flowing like it used to.

Safety first and revenue second may be how the officials want to call it, but there wasn't anything unsafe going on when the lady at the spa told me about arriving at her car just as time was expiring on the parking meter.

Not only did the man wearing the helmet on a bicycle give her a ticket for the expired meter, she also got another one for not being parked inside the white marked lines on the street.

These parking tickets aren't cheap. They cost $42.50 all over Pasadena town and twice that much if you're also not parked within the lines. Safety? There's no beating the bicycle-riding-ticket-giving-monsters because they are everywhere. It seems they descend from rooftops, emerge from alleyways, pop out of car trunks and even slither from the sewers.

Actually, there is a sure way to beat getting tickets. But I suspect this is where I got into trouble with my letter writer. I suggested she put her grandson on public transportation. Yes, the bus.

For those who want to text while driving and who will be paying $159 for the infraction, they might want to think about taking this addiction onto the bus. Nothing illegal when it comes to texting while riding.

April is California's Distracted Driving Awareness Month. What does this mean? For the California Highway Patrol, the answer is more citations. For drivers, it means unless our bad habits improve we can plan on dumping money into the coffers of those who need our dollars as badly as we do.

For grandmothers, parents and others who haven't as yet determined a kid who is old enough to drive is also old enough to be financially responsible for the tickets they receive, the money crunch will help to change this.

The downturn in the economy offers up a lot of lessons. Putting our kids on public transportation and catching the bus - ourselves - is pretty distasteful to many, but the money crunch may help to change these attitudes.

PADDED BRAS AND PADDED UNDIES?

2011-04-02 08:02:36

Abercrombie & Fitch recently decided not to market its push-up bikini tops to 7-year-old girls, who at this tender age, don't really have anything to push up.

Abercrombie & Fitch, according to my fashion-savvy daughter, is all about provocative clothing in the first place. So, if it decided not to market to the youngsters, this news, she remarked, must mean it was, indeed, pitching this junk to them.

Of course, that was the plan all along. But it seems the company has now bowed to pressure from a wide range of groups who complained about the sexualization of young girls. With the updated direction, only girls 12 and older will be targeted.

My friend Laurel Moss of Mendocino predicted the next thing we'll see hitting the kiddie fashion market would be little boy briefs with padding in the crotch.

Don't cross this off as being absurd just yet. If little girls can be made aware they should attempt to enhance what they don't yet have, why would boys be discriminated against?

With the kiddie fashion world always looking for a new hook and with parents who are gullible enough to buy and dress their kids according to someone else's dictate, I say anything is possible.

We have celebrities peddling their young daughters in adult make-up, fashion jewelry and 2-inch high heels - look out for what may be coming down the pike.

Suri Cruise, the 5-year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, not only masquerades in inappropriate attire but has also been seen with phallic-shaped gummy candy.

Is this little kid a trendsetter? Let's hope not.

I suspect the smart parents will outweigh the gullible ones - they with the grandparents will put their feet down and stomp out this nonsense.

For smart parents it will not matter much as to what the fashion industry has decided elementary school sex tantalizing students should adorn themselves in.

I'm looking for moms, even those with their own breast implants, to see farther than their own enhancements when it comes to purchasing push-uppers for their little daughters, putting them in high heels, adult make-up and allowing them to indulge in goodies that come in suggestive shapes.

At the pre-school age of little Suri, one would expect her to be enjoying the pleasures of childhood which certainly could include playing dress-up at home but wearing age-appropriate clothing for the outside world.

What difference does any of this make? Given the real-life concerns parents have to deal with on a daily basis, this stuff about what retailers are selling for kids, what age is appropriate for make-up and the question of little ones growing up too quickly is pretty much on the thought process back burner.

But maybe this kind of seemingly dumb stuff ought to be part of our real-life concerns. In a society that tends to embrace the concept of anything goes, if, as parents, we stop and ask ourselves what we want for our own sons and daughters we might determine we should at least give half a hoot about what other parents see as acceptable.

CHRIS BROWN IS BAD NEWS

2011-03-25 23:09:41

Can't the media find a legitimate role model for our youth? Chris Brown, the baby-faced, tattoo-chested entertainer, is the latest inappropriate-behaving chump being crammed down our throats, if we're stupid enough to still watch the evening news - and, unfortunately, many of us do.

For the smart ones who've missed this week's crazies, Brown, after an interview on "Good Morning America," trashed the dressing room, broke out a window and ripped off his shirt.

Is this what we should be calling news?

He got mad as hell because he was asked by the show's co-host about beating up his ex-girlfriend, Rihanna, who, back when the incident happened, filed a domestic assault case against him.The interview went along calmly enough, with Brown dodging the question, like anyone has a right to do, continually repeating the seemingly rehearsed lines that were promoting his new album.

It was afterward in the dressing room that he went ballistic.

This kind of immature behavior should, first of all, not be tolerated in a civil society. But more importantly, there is no responsible explanation for the media continuing to parade this tragic example of a supposedly successful young man in front of our youth.

"GMA" interviewer Robin Roberts says Brown is welcome if he ever wants to return.

News reports also say the music industry people don't seem to think Brown's behavior will have any negative impact on his album sales.

Such great rewards for such bad behavior.

Increased sales and a standing invitation on a network show makes one kinda wonder how much of the trashing of the room, breaking out the window and ripping off the shirt is actually related to "letting off steam," as Brown later explained as the cause of it all.

Though he says he felt the interviewer was wrong to bring up his past troubles, Brown has now apologized and claims to be disappointed in his actions.

Think how many young people are marveling at this behavior that only a celebrity can pull off with no consequences.

Think how many young people already believe they can trash the classroom, curse out the teacher and keep on truckin'.

There are members of the youth brigade who have kicked their foot through the door at home and now they'll be quick to say at least there was no shattered glass in the yard or on the street outside from a window they broke.

There ought to be constant media coverage about the young person who studied hard and finally got an A grade on the history exam after a semester of C's and D's.

Surely there's some young person who, against the odds, has applied to a prestigious university and been accepted.

I met a young man last week whose parents were migrant farm workers. He had a college degree and was directing his life toward even higher educational goals.

How, with such humble beginnings, could he cast his aspirations among the stars? He said his father always told him he could accomplish something great.

This role model for our youth isn't undressing down to his tattooed chest promoting a music album on the backs of young people who are gullible enough to believe he, Chris Brown, can lead the way.

SOME KIDS GET BREAKS, OTHER KIDS GET BROKEN

2011-03-18 20:22:11

Los Angeles County Fifth District Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich keeps Brandi on her toes. What's a man of his importance got to do with some kid staying focused?

"Hmmm," Brandi mused thoughtfully as we exited the Kenneth Hahn Hall of Administration in downtown Los Angeles and headed for the parking lot.

She's usually quite the chatterbox as long as the iPod isn't in her ear, but following this meeting with "Uncle Mike," quiet prevailed.

When Brandi finally broke the silence, way after we were headed north on the Pasadena Freeway, she revealed the cause for the long and thoughtful interlude.

"I'm just really going to always do good. I have to do my best because everybody thinks I can - even Uncle Mike."

Then came the kicker: "Every time I sit at his long table and he talks to me about how I'm doing I think he cares because he could be doing something else."

Have you mentored a kid lately? It's surprising the kind of difference it makes when there's an adult - other than the regular family folk - who take an interest.

Brandi met the supervisor at the lighting of Christmas Tree Lane way back when she was in pre-school.

He picked her up, held on tight and they did the count together for several years. A busy man, he managed to attend her pre-school graduation and an art exhibit she had at the Flintridge Foundation.

And on a regular basis Brandi, the former foster kid who has now aged out of the system, meets with the supervisor in his conference room.

The 9-year-old we know took his scooter apart and couldn't figure how to put it back together. His uncle, real uncle, is an auto mechanic but said he didn't have time to help his nephew.

The kid wanted to hang out and watch this relative work on cars in his back yard but it was a no-go.

"Kids today," complained Uncle, "ain't `bout nothin', they just wanna hang around and get in the way asking dumb kinda stuff. Shouldna took that scooter apart, anyway. It ain't even that hard to put back together."

This was a harsh approach, seemed to me, but Uncle said I didn't know the whole story about his trouble-making nephew - just a no-good kid! Ouch! A 9-year-old is not a no-good kid. But if the rest of the family is anything like Uncle, they sure know how to create a no-gooder.

Some kids get the breaks, and other kids get broken.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We all need to make time to meet with a kid at our long conference table, backyard mechanic shop, kitchen stove or wherever we can share some care.

For many of Brandi's younger years she really thought the lights on Christmas Tree Lane, here in Altadena, were partially the results of her brilliance. For all of Brandi's older years and for years to come, she will know that somebody who didn't really have to cared about her progress in life.

Now, if there's a backyard mechanic anywhere out there reading this column, I know a 9-year-old boy who needs some fixing, as does his shiny silver scooter.

TEACHING KIDS MONEY MATTERS

2011-03-12 09:28:22

The kid saw the incident as someone stealing her tennis shoes that she left on top of the lockers. Her mother saw it quite another way. The young lady had to purchase replacement shoes for having, as her mom called it, lost the shoes.

Carelessness with one's possessions means that, in this family, the household budget isn't going to foot the bill for the kid not taking care of her belongings.

A harsh way to raise a kid or a practical avenue for developing responsibility, you may ask? Maybe it's one in the same thing because responsibility doesn't come easy and when it comes to helping our offspring get a handle on matters of money, harsh lessons become winners.

How much should a parent dole out for high grades on the school report card? Which chores around the house earn the biggest bucks?

Too many parents really believe they should pay their kids to do what is required of them. The good grade is the pay-off for doing good school work. The biggest chores around the house are done by parents, 24-7, in their quest to raise decent kids and their pay-off doesn't come in dinero but instead they will eventually see their offspring become responsible adults.

Maybe it's our American culture that dictates life being measured by the dollar and this being the tool, then we think the only way to appreciate our kids is to heap money on them which all too often we don't really have.

"Shopping? but she just went shopping last weekend and the weekend before that," exclaimed the aunt who was now caretaker of her teenage niece.

"But that's what she does every weekend," explained the daughter, but also cousin to the shopaholic who now lived with the family.

Daughter, thinking she had now entered into a new lifestyle, was ready for the mall excursion until the longtime family rule surfaced and the new household member heard: No shopping unless a budget was presented, approved and a need for the item was fully demonstrated.

Call it Operation Crazy Parents if you choose, but talking recently with Tim Mayworm, executive director of Journey House, a place where foster youth who are no longer in the system can get a handle on life, this crazy stuff would be a good thing to spread everywhere.

Mayworm described conversations with young people who didn't understand why they would need to return to work after receiving their paycheck and what was the purpose of not spending all of the money in one day.

Mayworm's charges have had absolutely no growing up life experiences when it comes to money and it is unforgivable the foster and kinship care system has allowed this to happen.

And kids in our society who have parents dumping money in their direction without attaching a responsibility component may be only a few steps ahead of our young adults the child welfare system has created.

The country's economic downturn, something too many parents are pretending doesn't exist, may eventually make paying for chores and getting good grades a budget cut whether the kids approve of it or not.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BLACK TIGER MOMS?

2011-02-25 22:23:48

Here's a thumbs-up for Amy Chua, still stirring up controversy with her book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," which lays out what too many are calling a mean-streak way of raising kids.

So count this as a last-minute contribution to Black History Month, which in a few days will fade into March, which celebrates Women's History. One of the many people who stop me in parking lots, supermarkets, the library or elsewhere to talk about my perspective on raising kids wanted to know why I hadn't devoted space in February, the month devoted to us.

What's the Tiger Mom's style of forcing children into excellence got to do with black history? The quest for excellence in raising our offspring isn't limited to a specific culture, but some minorities in America have been acutely aware of the consequences for anything less.

Apparently forgotten by many of today's foolish black parents is the rule we old-timers were raised on: If you're black, you've got to get up earlier, stay up later and do the job - whatever it is -a whole lot better.

We may not have been forced into ballet, violin or piano lessons, as Chua did with her daughters, but black children were continually drilled on the importance of respect, obedience and the reasoning of being seen and not heard. Education was to be the cornerstone of our progress.

It was not our parents' understanding that future generations would become the reason the prison system is our country's fastest-growing industry - and in economic hard times.

What ever happened to the harsh realities of life under our own black Tiger Moms? No whining. No excuses. No "teacher didn't like me so I have a bad grade." No sleepovers. No talking back. Like Chua's daughters, in later years, there was to be no TV, computer games or other distractions from schoolwork.

Our parents didn't necessarily think we would be the conductor of the symphony or the local pharmacist, veterinarian, pediatrician or dentist, but they drilled the importance of doing our best. Chua bypasses doing one's best and goes all out for excellence.

Mr. Moulton, our next-door neighbor in Los Angeles on West 36th Street, was a postal employee. Two doors down lived LaMar Hill, a student at USC whose parents owned the local mortuary. Across the street lived Juliet Ball, who had small roles in Hollywood movies. We lived around the corner from legendary tap dancer Bill "Bojangles" Robinson and we lived downstairs from Harvey Brooks who was a jazz pianist.

Our neighbors worked hard at whatever they did and they helped the children in the neighborhood get the message - hard work is what we were expected to do.

My black history shows me that something has drastically changed for the worse, and it isn't because of white folks, discrimination or racism.

We've lost our Tiger Moms to a society we've let convince us to obey our offspring, not set rules, spend more money buying Chinese hair than books for our kids and spend more time finding a new boyfriend than visiting the school. We've gone far beyond "no sleepovers" and changed the face of that activity to allowing the boyfriend or the girlfriend to come on over and sleep in our teenager's bed.

Black History Month? The true celebration is yet to come.

FINANCING HIGHER EDUCATION

2011-02-11 20:29:35

The Pasadena City College Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid will be holding what they call, "Financial Aid Saturday," today from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on the campus located at 1570 E. Colorado Blvd., in the L Building, Room 114.

Kim Miles, assistant dean of Financial Aid and Scholarships Services, says attendees will have access to financial aid staff who will assist them with applications and in obtaining information about financial aid programs at a variety of universities and colleges.

Is this the opportunity, as the saying goes, of a lifetime? Some would agree because they recognize their inability to know all of the negotiations that it takes to successfully make it through the college maze.

And there is no embarking on a higher educational pursuit without the money to pay for it.

The folks who know this without a doubt will show up at Room 114 long before the door actually opens. These are the folk, parents with their kids in tow, who haven't missed educational opportunities in the years prior to applying for college.

Then there's the "others." Probably the very people for which this event was planned because over the years, while they claim to seek higher learning, they never seem to follow the process for getting there.

Deadline for filing applications? Yo, what's up with that? Birth certificate. Last year's income tax return. Proof of residence. Transcripts. Oh, uh!

Last year, PCC distributed over $28 million in financial aid through work-study, grants, loans fee waivers and scholarships.

Today, the professionals will be there to answer questions about the Board of Governors fee waivers, enrolling at PCC, and inquiries about federal, state and local aid.

Parents and students shouldn't miss this opportunity to learn all about finances for higher learning whether through one-on-one questions or by attending a workshop.

Hey, why not try both of these approaches.

Oh, it's Saturday and Jerome, the son, likes to sleep late and, geez, Dad's been working all week so they won't be taking in this financial aid session ...

But then there's that family, Mom, Dad and the two high school kids who are first in line at Room 114, seem to never sleep late or miss any educational opportunities.

Later in life, some years down the academic road, families like Jerome's will call the Mom, Dad and the used-to-be high school students really, really lucky because they've achieved so much.

Achievement isn't luck; it's a lot of hard work and a whole lot of getting up early even if it's on a Saturday morning.

Kim Miles and her staff are looking for you. And the event will continue until 1 p.m. today, even if you don't arrive bright and early at Room 114.

Kim Miles and her staff are looking for me and my kid who is in her second year at the college. Will we be lined up in front of Room 114? Uh, my student said, "Me and my friend have our own plans for hanging out this Saturday."

Some kids just don't get it. But should their parents let them get away with being stupid?

AN UNFIT PARENT?

2011-02-04 20:53:44

There's no arguing against the statement that some kids are strong-willed. I stand up for parents recognizing and supporting individuality.

But hold on a minute, as a parent we've got to know when and how to support these personality traits.

When a 13-month-old baby, and that's what they are at that age, wants to run the show it's entirely too early in the game to turn the reins over to the kid and follow along with what he or she has in mind.

However, Shannon Johnson, 34, of Fort Lupton, Colo., the mother who is charged with child abuse resulting in death for leaving her year-old in the bathtub - who drowned - while she was in the living room busy on her laptop computer logged onto Facebook, claims the boy was very independent and wanted to be alone.

Most of the little ones are barely talking at this age, so how exactly did Johnson's kid become the great communicator? How did he actually let her know this desire to be in the tub alone and then seeing to it that she obeys?

Johnson says she'd catered to her child's desire in the past - this wasn't the first of him being left alone in the bath water. She also told the arresting officers that she knew what it was like to be told no and she didn't want her baby to be told no.

We all know what it's like to be shut down on some plan that we may have concocted. And most certainly our childhood helped to prepare us for the zillions of times we've been told no during our journey as an adult.

Some, most I suspect, would call Johnson an unfit parent but it seems at the age of 34, to make the kinds of decisions reported in this tragic case of child abuse, Johnson is actually an unfit person.

She isn't just off the mark for believing and supporting what she saw as independence in a 13-month-old baby, she's equally as off the mark for sharing this viewpoint with the arresting officers.

This woman saw nothing wrong with being on her laptop computer in her living room while her baby drowned in the bathroom or she wouldn't have shared this scenario with authorities.

Explain, please, what is an independent 13-month-old up to these days? Ah, maybe ordering what's for breakfast? Possibly he's determining what outfit to wear for the upcoming toddler-neighbor's birthday party.

At best, Mr. Independent could have determined what toy to get out of the toy box and how much of the milk in his cup he wanted to drink.

Shannon Johnson isn't alone with this nonsense of believing the little ones know what's best for them. She's not alone in misunderstanding the role of a parent. At the mall, the grocery store and just about every place the public gathers, we see parents obeying their very young children.

Unfortunately, Johnson's ability to grasp the concepts we used to call "mother wit" just aren't there. And her inability to reason and make sound decisions as we are expected to do as adults, isn't there, either.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

LIFE IN THE 'HOOD

2011-01-29 01:14:20

"They didn't do a very good job when they put in a fence for me, but the guys need the work. I wouldn't think of complaining because when I look at it, I'm a whole lot better off than before they came," said one of the locals I spoke with who wasn't really satisfied with the work provided by the Alta Pasa Community Improvement Center.

Susie Nemer, deputy for Los Angeles County Supervisor Michael Antonovich, Fifth District, seemed surprised when I asked who provided oversight for the agency and handled complaints.

She said the center doesn't get many of those and added that most of the work they do is standard and routine - like providing handicap ramps.

"Oh, please tell me you didn't really give a complaint to the supervisor's office!" another resident dissatisfied with the fix-it program exclaimed after she'd told me why "our" people know better than to speak out.

"There's payback," she said, and wanted to know where I grew up since I didn't understand the workings of the `hood.

"Retaliation ain't no joke," was the way someone else phrased it and wanted to know exactly what fool would bite the hand that fed them.

I talked to lots of folks who'd been serviced by Director Ron Matthew's Alta Pasa agency who behave in a manner I suspect he's become accustomed to.

But when my kid wants to know how come people can break down our back gate, come on the property and stomp down shrubs we've grown for long before her lifetime, hack off the tree that shielded our home from miscreants hanging out in the alley behind us, what's a parent supposed to say?

In the past, I guess I've been guilty of taking the route others in the `hood have taken. I even provided a glowing five-star evaluation of the agency's work that later crumbled just about a week after the ink dried on my signature.

Yes, I let the supervisor's office know that the program that Los Angeles County funds sent workers onto my property without a walk-through with me, without my signature for the work we had talked about being done. The most horrifying part is it all happened without me being home.

"You don't have the power," said another `hood dweller.

Generation after generation, we pass onto our children the image of being powerless, of wrongdoing being just the way things are. We don't call a spade a spade because they are usually people of color that we are outing." They are so-called friends who we'll see in church next Sunday or in the supermarket on Monday.

It's apparently OK to whisper back and forth, though. It's OK to exchange horror stories on the grapevine. But it's not OK when you live in my community to speak up for what's right and to speak against what's wrong if it pertains to a person of color.

How did the drug dealers and the gang bangers take over the `hood? Way back when, didn't anyone see something going wrong?

My kid's not out in her back yard anymore because we live on an alley and are, now, the only house on the block without privacy. Should I support her being conditioned to believe this is just how things are?

Or shouldn't this agency be made to measure up and provide the kind of respect, excellence, professionalism and service it undoubtedly convinced its funding agency it was capable of delivering".

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WINNING FRIENDS?

2011-01-22 13:59:57

Dale Carnegie and his influential best-selling masterpiece, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was often quoted back in the days when I grew up.

Norman Vincent Peale was another notable author whose viewpoints, "The Power of Positive Thinking," got bantered around by the elders in my family.

But my way of seeing life, for many in my family was, and still is, a source of confusion.

Carnegie, my parents always reminded me when I was as a teenager, stressed the value of no criticism, condemnation or complaints.

Fine and dandy for getting along with friends, but what, I wanted to know, was how this philosophy worked in regard to the girls vice principal sending our school's Girls League vice president to the conference in Palm Springs instead of me, the president?

My mother always explained things in a kind and very gentle way, but all too often in cases like this, her message was simple: The problem was with me.

There was something in my growing years about smiling. Smiles will win every time, mom lectured, and in the case of the Palm Springs conference, Mom harped on the sweet, accommodating smile and pleasant personality of Rachel Duran, the officer under me in the Girls League.

I didn't smile then and I don't smile that much now. Yes, back then, like now, I have complaints, condemnation and criticism.

My family members said I was sullen, questioning and entirely too direct. They tried with a variety of discreet social-interaction techniques to help me through my troublesome way of life - but without much success.

When readers send an e-mail chewing me out for a position I've taken, it's like my response when my mom explained to me the valid reasons the girls VP had for selecting Rachel instead of me.

I did and I do stand by my positions.

But like the great philosophers, Carnegie and Peale, who had so much influence in the lives of my elders, I'm a strong supporter in the belief in listening to the other person's point of view - I respect that.

For all of the readers, and there were plenty, who wrote last week saying I should not have taken the Tucson shooter Jared Loughner's parents to task for his actions, I certainly agree that as parents we are not responsible for the actions of our adult children.

However, as parents, we should - that doesn't mean that we do - have the ability to observe our child's behavior and in some way spot characteristics that just don't fit the scale of normalcy. And that's what I said.

One e-mail suggested kids have a way of hiding who they actually are. Really? In the case of the shooter, for 22 years?

"Don't be so quick to judge," another writer said and went on to discuss the difficulties of detecting a child's mental health symptoms.

I neglected to smile on this one, but I did understand his point of view - he didn't know who he was writing to. As a mother of a child who went through a mental health crisis as a teenager and the mother of a foster child who carries a stiff diagnosis, when I write about responsibility of observing and knowing our children, I don't write to win friends - maybe I'll influence a few people - maybe.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WHY TUCSON?

2011-01-14 23:59:12

The shooting death of Christina Green, the 9-year-old and youngest victim of the Tucson carnage one week ago, raises the question that we always hear when children are, what we call, cut short of the meaningful life they were meant to live.

Why Christina, we ask, who is reported to have been the kind of young lady every parent would be proud of?

Her parents, John and Roxanna, seem by news reports to be the kind of parents all kids would do well for themselves, if they were fortunate enough to have such guidance.

But too often our masterpiece creations, that as parents we dedicate so much time loving, molding and coaching, are cut short by a force lacking all that we believe in.

Jared Loughner, 22, the suspect who allegedly opened fire at the political gathering of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords that Christina was attending, was that force.

Friends and classmates paint a troubled portrait of him that provided very clear signals that all was not well with his soul. But who was listening, seeing or guiding?

Nothing, thus far, has surfaced showing professional mental health intervention.

While I don't blame Loughner's parents for their son's alleged murderous rampage, and while I believe their statement expressing sorrow for the victims is sincere, I can't help but question their inability to see him as an unstable person that needed help.

While Christina's parents exposed her to opportunities that helped to establish her self-confidence and direction in life, in part, because they knew their child - no such practices, it seems, occurred in the Loughner household.

And how do I know this? I'm looking at the end result!

There were warning signs in this young man's life throughout the years and not just the ones reported by his classmates. At home, shouldn't his parents have recognized behavior, personality traits, and ability to cope and shouldn't they have known, in some way, how their kid viewed the world around him?

Political pundits on the left have seized on the Tucson shooting as an opportunity to discredit Sarah Palin and others on the right for their so-called inflammatory rhetoric, claiming it was the impetus for the massacre.

These folk need to spend some real effort learning more about the circumstances of the suspect's life and upbringing - that's the conversation that might lend some clarity and help heal our collective wounds.

Maybe Palin's mouth did have some influence. However, there are millions who've heard her and have heard others with caustic political rants. Since the rest of us neglected to buy a firearm, load it, take along extra ammunition and kill and injure people, there was something other than Palin moving the suspect down this dark path of destruction.

Like most people, and especially parents, I'm sure that Palin grieves for the loss of life and for those injured. I can't help but believe she knows, as I do, that but for the grace of God it could have been her child, mine or yours who was gunned down.

I heard Christina's parents say, in an interview, money sent to them would be donated to less fortunate children who lived on the other side of their city. What a noble commitment in their time of pain to remember those who have less.

Maybe on this weekend of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday all of us might recognize the need to reach out, in some way, to the many troubled kids that nobody, including their parents, seem to know.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

WHERE'S THE CARE IN FOSTER CARE?

2011-01-08 17:32:15

OVER the years, this space has frequently been devoted to the ups and downs of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services, the infamous agency that oversees foster children - our children in out-of-home placement.

Perhaps more space could have been devoted to the agencies in Dearborn, Mich. or Chicago that perform the same kind of service.

No real reason to have never mentioned the Iowa department, with its high number of Native American families who have lost their parental rights. It just kept being the same kind of story everywhere.

It doesn't matter what state we're talking about or what year we're reading about. Children in out-of-home placement just don't get taken care of.

Whether it is 1989, when I first discovered the system by way of becoming a foster parent myself, or it is 2010, and the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors once again removed the head of DCFS - the system is broken.

Trish Ploehm, who just lost her highly compensated position as our local director, is the fifth one to get the ax during the years I've had the opportunity to witness the agency mismanage the lives of families that are most often at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder.

Having been appointed to serve on the County Commission for Children and Families and having chaired the County's Adoption Commission, I grabbed a good peek at our local nightmare.

Here in Los Angeles County, I'm sure there are some officials who will say things have changed for the better over the years. But they're saying the same thing in Dearborn, Chicago and Sioux City.

Don't believe them.

I always thought a particular foster home I was acquainted with was a good place, even when I was told one of the kids ran away because he didn't like the rules. He had just turned 18 years old.

A few years later when another kid said, "I've had enough of your running my life," and hadn't been seen since he stormed off from the Arco station leaving the gas hose still pumping into the foster mom's car tank, I started to wonder. He too had just turned 18.

Does this story have anything to do with why Ploehm got sacked?

While she made a lot of money - $275,000 a year - it seems she didn't really earn it. She just wasn't doing her job. According to a recent report, an in-depth look at what was or wasn't going on that the Board of Supervisors relied upon, her agency was found to be in crisis. Topping the list of problems was the backlog of child-abuse investigations and management defiencies.

So my story about the kids who turned 18 and became emancipated from foster care, which translates to mean mom wouldn't be getting a check anymore, doesn't really fit in here.

Ploehm's departure, like the many directors before her, was based more on the simple ineptness they exhibited in their position than on failure to care for the children.

According to Youth Development Services in Sacramento, half of the emancipated youth in Los Angeles will be homeless within six months. Of the 4,255 youth emancipated every year in California, 1,400 are from Los Angeles County.

Who is taking care of our children?

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

LOOKING BACK

2011-01-01 23:25:02

RINGING in the new year with resolutions, promises and an eye to the future seems the way to go, according to how this day has been organized in the past.

"Don't look back," a New Year's Eve party reveler once told me back during my teenage years.

Why not, when both the best and worst of 2010 have a lot of influence on 2011? Without taking stock of what Father Time brought about, how's a future plan supposed to get developed?

The best of 2010? School districts began removing soda machines from school campuses. I remember the day when I first spotted the monster machine on the Pasadena High School campus and later asked my daughter what all it housed.

"Oh, no," she responded with a voice filled with annoyance and then went on to exclaim "You're not going to complain about that are you?" Anyway, hooray for whomever got that movement going.

The best of 2010? Dr. Hugh Chee, a fabulous children's dentist, who recently filled two cavities for my daughter, Brandi, while explaining the entire process as he worked.

While we've heard an apple a day is said to keep the doctor away, Brandi's adding to that by finding that drinking sodas every day sends your teeth to the dentist, where you're gonna have to pay.

A movie theater with reclining chairs, blankets, pillows and food service? That is a bit on the upscale side for my usual way of movie watching at the two-buck Academy Theater on Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena. Well, that's the matinee price; please add another buck for showtime after 6 p.m.

So for the best of 2010, the Academy is there for providing movies everyone can afford and free parking to boot. But I must say that also on the best list is the Gold Class Cinema in Old Pasadena - expensive, yes, but worth every dollar spent. A real treat, with comfort, excellent service and great food.

Looking back, my 2010 was filled with lessons learned. And I might as well let it be known that the party reveler who suggested I never do this was an ex-boyfriend who had dumped me for the cutie he was spending that New Year's Eve with.

"Consider the source," Mrs. Wilson, my mother's good friend, always warned. While the strategy behind "never look back" was, I believe, really meant for the young man's safety while at a party in the unexpected company of a dumped, angry and hostile black girl, his words have stuck with me through time.

It was good enough that the young man had a bad time constantly looking over his shoulder - looking back - making sure Ms. Hostile was going about her business.

Maybe everyone looks back.

My best of 2010 has a lot to do with my 2011: No soda machines on school campuses; Dr. Chee continuing to provide patients with the good service kids need from their dentist; Brandi remembering a soda a day can create cavities; the Academy keeping its commitment to provide movies at a low price and the Gold Class being there when it's time, and my budget allows, for a special treat.

No worst of 2010 to be mentioned here, even though great lessons were learned from them, too.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

HOME ALONE FOR CHRISTMAS

2010-12-25 02:22:49

MY father was a waiter and for many years served patrons at a very upscale, elite Beverly Hills restaurant.

We didn't get to see much of him on Christmas Day because he spent most of the morning sleeping due to coming home late after the Christmas Eve night shift.

When he did awaken, he showered, shaved, slicked down his kinky hair, put on his fancy black pants with the satin stripe down the sides, his pleated-down-the-front white shirt and then his satin cummerbund with the small horizontal folds in it. Of course he also put on his highly polished black shoes.

He was ready for his gig and didn't have much time to check out the presents his kids had opened.

Christmas at our house was a high-priority work day due, in part, to the extra pay being offered to those in the servant class who were willing to give up their own holiday in order to make it better for people who had the money to pay for service.

My mother was a domestic and worked for the Whitneys, a wealthy family who lived in the San Fernando Valley. She, with my grandmother, was expected to cook the Christmas feast, serve the family and then clean up. Year after year, they followed this routine, which included packing up the leftovers from the dinner and bringing them back home to our side of the tracks.

Back in those days, the restaurants allowed workers to take the leftover food, so Dad brought home some high-quality dinner as well.

Most of my younger years, my older sister and I spent Christmas alone waiting for our parents to return.

Sometime we were at the Whitney house, holed up in the maid's room after collecting a wagon-load of too many presents they had for us from under their giant tree. We would have preferred our small house, small tree and our parents there rather than somewhere working.

Ungrateful? Maybe. But the Whitneys proved to be just as ungrateful for the years we gave them our mother. Because once my sister and I became older and bold enough to let my mother know how much we'd appreciate having her home for Christmas, they were indignant when she gave up the pay to stay home with her children.

Of course Mom said she thought, like so many parents do, that the extra money earned on these Christmas forays would be more important, based on the reasoning of what she could buy us.

Now, Dad's check and his tips were another story; the rent had to be paid and he was the main breadwinner.

There are probably some current-day youngsters whose parents aren't with them on this holiday because of an opportunity to earn money for rent, food and maybe some presents at the after-Christmas sales.

Times are tough and tough decisions have to be made. Parents, please remember to help your children understand that the time will come when you'll be there with them, but for now life isn't exactly what the storybooks say.

But if you're gathering the extra pay just to buy them the latest electronic gadget or a pair of fancy fashion boots, from my perspective, I say your kids would rather have you than what that money can buy.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

MASON HOLLAND ISN'T ALONE IN SLAMS TO THE MAT

2010-12-18 07:31:25

I'M told just about everybody's been reading the story and watching the video of Mason Holland, the basketball player at DeSoto County High in Arcadia, Fla., who was called for a technical after pushing an opposing player as they ran up the floor and then confronts the referee as well, pushing him and tossing him to the floor.

Holland got suspended from his team and from school. But I suspect this isn't his first display of a need for anger-management therapy.

Well, here's another hard to believe story that's not on YouTube or making headlines anywhere.

While this one isn't about anger management it is human frailties that should be addressed, in part, because we rely on school officials to do the right thing.

This story is started with a report of sexting and seems to have ended without a resolution for the rumors spread. It's a long and detailed set of circumstance, however, it's my job to make it short by leaving out the juicy details.

It all began with a telephone call to Ms. Mom from by the principal of the high school her daughter attends. Mom was told that the secretary from a local elementary school had called this principal saying mom's daughter was sending nude pictures to boys. The principal asked, after Mom said she didn't believe this had happened, to go through the daughter's phone to view the evidence.

So the principal had never seen the pictures and was only relying on what she'd been told.

Where I come from we call this several things. The printable one is "He said, she said, you did!" School officials should not be caught up in this kind of stuff with a principal of a high school relying solely on the word of someone's unverified report and then alarming a parent.

Unlike the spontaneous suspension of Holland from his team and his school, no action was taken on this gossip stuff, which happened in October and was reported to Pasadena schools administrators.

While the gossip surrounding the girl, the boy, the texting, the secretary who started the nonsense, the principal who might have investigated the story before she called Mom, and the more intriguing characters who emerged as integral links to the episode, may not seem the equivalent of a body slam, Mom thinks differently.

While conducting her own investigation into these unsavory and unproven allegations against her daughter, Mom says she was told her actions were harassment - a body slam, indeed.

While the man at school district headquarters who is in charge of this kind of stuff has allegedly been doing an investigation, Mom hasn't heard a peep from him.

Mason Holland got what he deserved for his actions on the basketball court. But he should have been receiving help for his mental disability along with the basketball coaching he was getting for his physical abilities.

Neither Mom nor her daughter have gotten from our school district what they deserve, which is that respect parents ought to have when they expect to have official intervention with matters involving their children.

Principals and secretaries can, of course, be guilty of behaving in an unprofessional manner - should their behavior be ignored? Parents can go overboard when their child has been wrongly accused, but shouldn't school officials do the investigating, get the straight story and report that to the parent?

Names have been withheld, as this story isn't about the individuals. Instead it is about the way a school district allows such stuff to happen without addressing the problem.

Yeah, I think Mom got body-slammed, but the story isn't new - it's just one more parent on the mat.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON

2010-12-10 22:33:01

I got called the Grinch because of questioning the good of dreaming of a white Christmas and for suggesting Rudolph's sleigh mates were bullies.

I also was on record stating my annoyance with the parent of the kid who after opening all of his presents went to bed crying because the gadget he'd requested wasn't under the tree.

I'm as much a supporter of the season as anyone else. Well, maybe I should say that with some amount of moderation. At my age, I ought to be allowed a decent amount of withdrawal since I no longer have young children to provide for.

Didn't I hear somewhere, over the years, that Christmas is really for the kids? I followed that line and decked our halls with boughs of holly, strung lights on the tree and snuck wrapped presents from their hiding place late on Christmas Eve for what seems like a hundred years.

Presents for the kids consisted of clothes I made for the Barbie dolls. A Mary Poppins doll made from a McCall pattern. A felt cowboy hat and a vest with too much fringe is another fond memory of Christmas past.

Baking even happened in my now unused kitchen. Remember the old term from scratch? Yup, made cookies from scratch; flour, baking powder, sugar, eggs, butter and probably some other ingredients that haven't found a place in my cupboard since the Pillsbury Dough Boy took over.

One of the comments I received, which carried with it a distinct air of annoyance, suggested leave the kids alone and allow them to enjoy the spirit of the times.

One cannot be an opinion writer and take offense at how readers interpret the printed word, and so my reply was polite, to the point and firm: "Sir, you are so correct, but nowadays are we sure kids have the slightest clue about the spirit?"

It is "give me, give me" all year long. It is "I want this and I want that," all year long. And somewhere in the 12 months preceding the big day that's supposed to be all about the spirit, our over-indulged offspring have collected more than the law should allow.

The economy is wreaking havoc on lives. Jobs have been lost. Unemployment checks aren't measuring up to the amount of the job pay. Homes have been foreclosed upon and living with relatives or friends is hard for all involved.

But still I hear parents worry about what to give the kids. I hear them talk about Christmas past and how their tree was loaded with just about every kiddie trinket one could imagine - not to mention the stylish clothes for the teenagers wrapped up in boxes from high-end retail stores.

The Grinch? Maybe just a woman with a very different lifestyle. For years, I lived on a welfare budget and our Christmas reflected the monthly income. I had no trouble sharing with my children the limits of our monetary existence and they are no worse off because of this.

At my home, sometime there are presents and sometime we get along just fine enjoying the spirit of being together.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SINGING ABOUT

2010-12-04 00:42:59

THE sounds of KOST, the self-proclaimed official holiday radio station, which seems to be playing every Christmas song ever recorded, has the music of the holidays flooding every room in our home.

While it's nice to have holiday surround-sound, the constant hearing of the same old tunes has put me to thinking about what I've been humming all these years in a mood of total acceptance, as if it were a good thing.

I'm thinking now that Bing Crosby's crooning of "White Christmas" actually imposed the wrong tone for those of us who grew up in sun-filled Southern California.

Los Angeles had no snowfall for holiday winter sleigh rides. As kids, we didn't really know what snow was until many of our parents herded us onto buses run by a company called Asbury Rapid Transit to take us to see and experience the white stuff.

Back then, I really wanted to dream along with Bing about Christmas being white. It wasn't until last week, when Brandi and I were sitting around the living room heater in socks, slippers, longjohns, robe, fur hats and tight-fitting warm gloves, trying hard to make each other understand the meaning of 37 degrees, that I realized Christmas being white was nothing to sing about.

Brandi has a beautiful voice. I hum because, well, I just hum. She was singling along with Bing until I interrupted at the point of "and children listen."

Forget the cold of a white Christmas vs. our warmer holiday - as an old lady, the song now had a more meaningful message.

If a cold white Christmas had children "listening" when I know they never do, then that kind of winter temp was definitely well worth its low degrees.

"Where the treetops glisten, and children listen, to hear sleigh bells in the snow ..."

Brandi repeated and completed the phrase. It seldom pays to cut people off mid-sentence, or, in this case, prior to the completion of the lyrics.

A very wrong understanding on my part!

I still had Rudolph to dissect. While he with his red nose was not around when I grew up, in later years, his antics were a big hit for my kids.

But now with the current focus on bullying, these lyrics are a ripe example of what we're supposed to be teaching our kids to rise above.

This thing about the other reindeer laughing and calling him names until Santa needed him, after which the other unkind reindeer just loved him, puts a kink in our lecture against bullying. In this tune, we joyously laud four-legged creatures exhibiting the behavior we're working to correct.

"Think about this example we're presenting to our children," I said to another daughter, Phoenix.

But she, like Brandi, didn't agree with my point. Phoenix reminded me that the animals had nothing to do with how they were portrayed. Then with a laugh she questioned my ability to separate fact from fiction.

Maybe it's time to either turn off the Christmas tune station or simply listen, hum along and stop seeing an underlying issue in every song.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. The Arroyo Channel, Charter channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

CASH: NO CHANCE TO SHOP BEYOND OUR MEANS

2010-11-26 20:09:45

Now that Black Friday has officially kicked off Christmas shopping, maybe as parents it's time to not just examine our budgets when it comes to spending, but to also make a careful examination of our relationship to this practice of giving gifts and what gifts we ought to bestow upon our offspring.

My friend from Terry, Miss. remembered getting a fresh red apple as her one and only gift one year when finances weren't going well for her family.

That story happened back in 1940 when our parents weren't ashamed of what it was they had to offer children.

You get what you get, seemed pretty much the philosophy of growing up back then, and tagged on to that way of thinking was an unmentioned truth - and you best be grateful for whatever.

One recent Christmas morning, a friend called for some quick advice regarding a troublesome situation that was unfolding.

Her son had unwrapped his many presents from under the tree but put each one aside as he dug for the next. Having opened them all, not finding the electronic gadget he had announced to everyone that he wanted, he stormed to his bedroom in tears.

"What's a mom to do?" she pondered and then, foolishly, decided I would have the magic answer as to where she could dash out and find what store wasn't sold out so she could go buy it before he emerged from his bedroom.

Did she realize just whom she was calling? I think in her desperation she simply was calling anyone who might know where the elusive treasure might be hiding.

A puzzled sounding "Oh," emitted from her end of the phone when I exclaimed perhaps the ungrateful kid's unwanted gifts should be re-wrapped and taken to a homeless shelter for families.

What to buy the children for Christmas? There's no one philosophy that fits all unless, perhaps, it's that practical bit of wisdom that gets thrown about: "To thine own self be true."

However, the trouble with this is we've lost sight of self. When it comes to gifts for the kids, it's pretty much about what they're demanding.

My friend's parents down in Mississippi may well have been the last of the Mohicans being true to their circumstances.

For a lot of families, life, nowadays, is a jolt back to the past of shopping with cash - and there isn't much of that. Credit cards have been maxed out or cancelled so there's no chance, as I hear from parents, of actually shopping beyond one's means.

This economic downturn just might be the chance for parents to level with the kids by teaching them some important truths about money, credit, gifts, advertisers and keeping up with Roberto, Jamal and John.

While an apple probably didn't give my friend Christmas gift bragging rights, it seemingly gave her, as I listened, an ability to understand love and caring isn't measured by bows, wrappings or what's in the package.

Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk About Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. Charter Arroyo Channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

STUDENTS WHO CAN'T READ, KIDS WHO DIE

2010-11-19 20:17:01

Why, many local folks ask, haven't I addressed the issue of school closures in the Pasadena Unified School District? This is pretty much the same kind of inquiry that comes my way about the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services.

"You can get a clear picture and scope of the budget problem if you make an appointment and talk with Superintendent Diaz," a local inquirer suggested when I tried diplomacy in getting out of his attempted conversation about school closures.

Why do I compare Pasadena schools to Children and Family Services? To put it simply, I see them both as questionable institutions run by people who collect paychecks but who don't seem to understand their mission and responsibility to the children in their charge.

Some time ago I called into a local television show on which Superintendent Edwin Diaz and Tom Selinske, the board president at the time, were guests. I called them crooks and was, of course, disconnected.

I would relish the opportunity to give my opinion on school closures, rising test scores, newly initiated immersion programs, budget issues, teacher evaluations and whatever else the district throws at the public to help justify the issuance of their salaries - but why bother?

Like tackling the problems surrounding children in out-of-home placement who are managed by a cadre of social and mental-health workers and who are being raised by non-caring, incompetent relatives or foster parents, there is no collection of thoughts or words to address this problem, either.

I have spent close to 40 years writing about children not being educated. I have spent that same amount of time writing about children dying while under the supervision of Los Angeles County's so-called protective services.

But the public isn't anymore ready to call the leaders of our school district the crooks that they are, any more than the host of that television show was ready to delve into the accusation. And the same can be said about foster care.

I haven't the power to bring the crooks to justice and the truth of the matter produces the fact that the power in my pen doesn't do much to convince readers that we have children - victims who need justice - so there's no real reason to keep writing the same thing for 40 years.

It's been suggested that I have turned a deaf ear because my latest kid is no longer a PUSD student and she has become of age to be emancipated from the foster-care system.

What's a writer to do? Since I write because I have something to say I can't do that when I'm at a loss for words.

Students who can't read, no matter what spin the school district tries to sell the public on, and children who die while under the protection of Los Angeles County, no matter the follow-up investigation, suffer at the hands of those in charge.

WACKY OR WISE? YOU TELL ME

2010-11-13 01:16:42

WHILE some readers may think I'm pretty wacky, I suspect there's many who support my get-tough parenting philosophy who may not be willing to nod in agreement and most certainly aren't willing to lose their home-grown popularity by initiating any of my standards.

On "The Mother Love Show," coming up next Tuesday, Nov. 16 from 2-3 p.m. at www.latalkradio.com, I'll be talking tough and saying that parents are the problem, not the kids. I'm inviting all of you to call in to 323-203-0815 and put me in my place.

My fifth-grade teacher thought I should see my place as behaving like my congenial, likeable and effervescent older sister Beverly Pickett.

Beverly smiled. I growled. My older sister always seemed to say what people were happy to hear. If you're a reader of this column, you know that I've not been blessed with that ability.

Until her dying day, just over a year ago, Beverly was trying to help me overcome my affliction of telling it like I see it.

My malady has been with me since childhood. And way back since Mrs. Warren, my 5th-grade teacher at 37th Street elementary school in Los Angeles, told me I was going to have a hard way in life, it seems I've been desperately trying to fulfill her prophecy.

Mrs. Warren did offer me a way out. She said life would get better as I grew older and changed.

I may have changed, but just a little bit, and only for a little while until I got married and then had six children and then became a single parent.

Talking tough and being tough came with the territory - it was them or me. When one of mine pronounced I wasn't being fair, I could only answer back by saying, "Life's not fair and growing up is supposed to prepare you for being a grown-up."

When they wanted to challenge my authority, and of course they always did, I simply asked how old they were and then asked them to tell me how old I was. In my house, age trumps.

A time-out? What a treat that would have been. Instead of a time-out there was always a job needing to be done. Maybe it was a floor to be mopped or the yard to be raked. In my house, it was called time in the trenches.

Are parents ready for what I have to say? Yes and no. I've learned from listening to parents in my workshops over the last 16 years that the adults pretty much enjoy telling their disaster stories that need fixing, but don't really want to spend the fix-it energy.

I've launched a public crusade to be everywhere I can, seeing how close I can come to making my fifth-grade teacher's prediction become a fact by continually putting parents on notice that they ought to be in jail and not their malfunctioning offspring. I suspect life is going to get as hard for me as Mrs. Warren said it would when callers start putting me in my place on the Mother Love broadcast.

COOKING UP BALLOT SOUP AT THE PLANTATION

2010-11-05 19:46:59

FROM news reports, it seems that the youth didn't take Tuesday's election too seriously. If they had, the pundits have joked, the marijuana initiative (Prop. 19) would have passed with an overwhelming majority.

Not so fast Mr. and Mrs. Talking Heads. The member of the youth brigade who lives in my household took her civic responsibility quite seriously. She voted on the ballot measures and she voted "no" on legalizing pot.

Now, Brandi didn't just vote against it because she doesn't engage in the activity. She says she listened to Robbie Davis, member of the League of Women Voters, who appeared on my parenting show to discuss the pros and cons of the measure.

Brandi says she also listened to what Dr. Ho, a mental health specialist, had to say when he called into the program.

We look at our kids sometime and wonder to ourselves, "Geez, what have I got here?" Then, an election rolls around and I discover, like taking a bite out of the just baked cake, that the ingredients stirred into the cake really did produce something wonderful.

Along with having marked her sample ballot and being able to know something about those confusing measures, Brandi had a bit of advice for me.

Having missed the deadline to mail in our ballots, we sat down for lunch at Souplantation to talk about which of us knew what.

"Ah, I'm voting for my favorite, Portantino," she said with gusto and then asked me about her other favored local politician, Adam Schiff.

"Nope," I announced with the same amount of gusto she had for Portantino.

"What!" she exclaimed and went on to remind me that because of Schiff I received the Congressional Angel In Adoption Award.

"No matter," and I went on to remind her how I had thought Schiff was providing us tickets to the Obama Inauguration but upon arriving in D.C. and picking up the tickets discovering they were only for an area to stand and see the whole thing on a huge monitor.

And the next piece of our conversation is what brought me to the analogy of the ingredients we stir into oven delicacies.

With that typical eye roll teenagers have perfected and followed by a long sigh, Brandi politely asked was marking my ballot about small personal matters or about the bigger picture. She didn't actually use the bigger picture phrase - I think she asked something about the congressman's record.

There was no discussion between us when it came to California's new governor. Most certainly not the lady who for years didn't think she ought to vote.

We marked our ballots, stuck each in the little gray sleeve, put each in the pink envelope and sealed it up. We headed for the Senior Center to drop them off because you can drop your mail-in ballot at any polling place.

Before we could get out of the place, who should be coming in?

"Oh my God and she's not on TV," I shrieked and turned to Brandi saying, "And who is this?"

"Duh" was the message on my kid's puzzled face. After asking the second time, I realized something. I changed tactics and simply said, "Hey it's Meg Whitman. Get out your cell phone and snap a picture." Brandi later said she never watched the dumb TV ads and only heard them - she hadn't known who Meg Whitman was.

We got the picture; too bad we didn't have audio to record Meg claiming Souplantation was her favorite restaurant.

VOTING IS A FAMILY AFFAIR

2010-10-30 10:45:54

AT my 19-year-old daughter's suggestion, we each tore off the back page, the request for vote by mail, from our Official Sample Ballot booklets and mailed them in to the Los Angeles County Registrar-Recorder/County Clerk in Norwalk prior to the cut-off date of Oct. 26.

Why bother to write about this? Well, simply put, I think it's important to involve our kids, from the time they can blink an eye, in the voter process and we've been hauling Brandi to the polling place since she was a babe in arms.

That's not to say this early exposure made her determine it was time to spend 80 cents - 40 for the stamp on the request and another 40 cents for sending her choices in to be counted. But I do think her on-going involvement helped in knowing she'd have to follow instructions and make all designated deadlines.

She was eager. My kid, like so many other people, is simply weary of being saturated with Meg Whitman's promise to bring jobs back to California, Jerry Brown's alleged commitment to improve education, Carly vs. Barbara, Kamala Harris with too much baggage and, well you know the story because it plays continuously.

Now, will this voting early, now that our ballots have arrived, end the expensive and constant television overload? Absolutely not, but I'm not so sure Brandi realized this mail-in opportunity wasn't a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card that would spare her xyz more days of saturation agony.

Oh, she's reading over my shoulder and says she knows the ads will keep on running but she won't have to keep watching the measures or the candidates to figure out how to vote because she's made her decisions.

I'd like to believe there is not one sane soul out there in voter land who relies on the uninformative propaganda that is on the boob tube in order to determine where to mark the ballot.

But then, this TV strategy must be beneficial or the politicians and backers of those nine propositions wouldn't be sinking bundles of dollars into this plan.

If the TV ads are influencing the electorate, shame on my household for missing the beat of the general public by relying on the League of Women Voters studying and presenting the propositions and by watching KCET's Southern California Connected in-depth review of the propositions.

Back to Brandi. She's wonderful to watch. She complained to me about the mailman because he hadn't taken her request for the mail-in ballot off of our mailbox for three days. Well, she didn't have a stamp on it.

But her best line in this do-it-at-home choice of hers was: "Do we have to go in separate rooms and are we not allowed to talk to each other when we do it?"

This isn't Brandi's first time putting her mark on the ballot and she's had years at the polling place practicing on the demo machine that's available.

For women and for African Americans, it is absolutely unacceptable not to vote understanding both groups fought for your right to do so.

If you're black and female you have no excuse! If you're female of any race, you owe it to the suffragettes as well as to yourself.

Black men - again, no excuse. Ah, white men? Yes, you too. And all of you should consider taking your children to the polls with you.

HEY MAMA, TRY SHOOTING FROM THE HIP

2010-10-22 20:00:06

LAST week I received a group e-mail with a subject line heralding "need advice from family elders." Being the eldest of the family elders, I sprang to attention, ready to address the need.

It seems the 12-year-old great-niece was overheard mumbling, under her breath, out of earshot, she thought, calling her mom the "B" word.

She'd just celebrated at a big-time splashy birthday party and sometime thereafter was asked to take out the trash. Hence the poorly executed utterance.

When mom heard the five-letter insult, she asked, and asked kind of nicely, just who the girl was calling that name.

The 12-year-old responded as kids will by claiming she was actually directing the name-calling to some girl at school she didn't like.

Uh-huh!

Mom said in the e-mail that the kid hadn't even taken the time to exercise her manners and apologize by the following day and instead went about her business in the usual fashion of wanting this and demanding that.

I sent my piece of advice, in which I did not inquire as to whether a funeral parlor had already been selected. The parents, I suspect, weren't too enthralled with what I thought was a very measured approach. The response I received said they were collecting all input and thought it best to approach the matter in a three-step plan.

Death, funeral and the repast?

Then came more e-mails. An aunt gave some advice, making sure the parents acted in a loving, non-judgmental way.

What? I thought our job as parents was to be judgmental - if we aren't, just who else is going to put our little darlings on the right track?

Then an e-mail came from one of the child's grandmothers who offered up that the girl had many issues she had to deal with.

And while all of this nonsense called collecting of wisdom is taking place, little Ms. Foul Mouth is continuing to live the good life awaiting the decision on how to handle the trash-talking event.

When I grew up we were prepared for parenthood, in part, because we knew how to operate on the instinct sometimes called mother wit.

When the baby was tumbling out of the high chair, we didn't call on the elders - we just knew to catch the kid.

We never had to wonder what to do if our kid called us a foul name, because when I raised kids, they knew I carried no life insurance policy on them, and that there would be death with no splashy party or flower-filled funeral service.

Am I talking abuse? No , I'm talking figuratively. I'm talking about parents understanding sometimes we've got to shoot from the hip and not ask dumb questions such as "Who are you calling the B word?," setting the kid up to lie and then being afraid to dispense with justice.

Oh, the darlings probably call us all kind of names under their breaths. All power to the silence. But when this disrespect becomes audible, the game changes and we stop the mess when it happens.

THE REAL TRAGEDY THAT NOBODY IS WATCHING

2010-10-15 18:36:23

THE Chilean government drilled more than 2,000 feet into the earth and brought out all the miners who'd been trapped underground but stayed alive for 69 days. I believe in miracles.

But in Hickory, N.C., police drained a pond looking for the body of missing 10-year-old Zahra Baker, whom neighbors and relatives say has, over time, suffered abuse and neglect in her home.

Glued to my television set, like millions of other folks around the world, I wasn't moving until I saw that capsule with the first rescued Chilean emerge above ground.

And yes, tears, cheers and loud shouts of "They did it" filled my small office space. I witnessed a miracle and I thought to myself, "I can truly believe in the worth of my fellow humans."

The equipment. The men in hard hats. The surrounding areas filled with villagers. The families of the miners. The months of painstaking and precision planning. I had witnessed a true miracle.

Joyous and ecstatic I turned off my boob tube and went quickly to bed as not to have my euphoria ruined by television anchors disturbing my thoughts with their idle mumblings and gibberish.

That was a good night for miracles and the belief in working for the good of mankind - especially the less fortunate.

Well, I didn't fool myself that the country of Chile had not risen in world recognition due to this phenomenal and historical event centering on a handful of previously unheard of villagers.

The next day, I didn't watch, but I knew more miners were being brought to freedom and there would be more celebrating.

Instead I had an e-mail alert to click on and to learn its details. In Hickory, N.C., the pond near Zahra's home was being drained. The close-by woodpile was being searched. A cadaver dog had picked up the presence of human remains inside the family vehicles and on a wood chipper.

The search for the missing 10-year-old, which was originally an Amber Alert over the weekend reported by her father and stepmother, had now become a homicide investigation.

Authorities now say the child may not have been seen for a full month and that they are struggling to find anyone who had seen her alive in the last few weeks.

Stepmother Elisa Baker allegedly has confessed to police to writing a $1 million ransom note that was found at the home on the windshield of a family car.

Zahra, a bone cancer survivor who used hearing aids and had a prosthetic leg, was not saved from family abuse through rescue efforts by the local North Carolina department of children and family services even though witnesses say they reported to them the conditions the child suffered under.

One lone kid, trapped beneath the surface of our good conscience, with no local, national or international supporters praying for her rescue, is suspected of having succumbed to the brutality of the non-caring.

Now that the Chilean miner rescue story has turned in part to the tawdry business between wife, man and mistress, and lawyers, lawsuits and bankruptcy, maybe someone else who believes in miracles can help me come to terms with what the cadaver dogs are sniffing up.

RAISING COMPUTER KIDS IS NO DEMOCRACY

2010-10-08 20:21:40

WHILE online social networks most certainly do pose a huge and unregulated threat to our youth who use them, I can't help but wonder why parents don't set up their own system of monitoring.

Step one is for parents and caregivers to learn - by asking - what sites their kids log onto. Inadequate answers to these kinds of inquiries come in a variety of lame avoidance techniques. In most cases, this approach will take a bit of time.

Step two is moving those computers out of the bedrooms and parking them in a heavy traffic area like the family room or the kitchen. With constant walk-past access to parents in the viewing of the screens, kids are going to be a little reluctant to pull up some of the stuff they perhaps shouldn't be viewing.

Also, whenever whatever is on the screen, take a seat (always have two chairs at the computer) and talk about what's going on. Now, there might be a fast click changing the screen, but keep at it. Success, here, is slow coming.

Step three is to create, with your kid, a limit and a schedule for computer time. They must be included in this - they're going to tell you how much they hate you. So be it, because raising kids is not democracy in action.

Is this going to solve the problem? Probably not, but it's a few good steps in the right direction.

Too many parents forget they're our kids and not our friends. As Dr. Jack Scott, former president of Pasadena City College, member of the state Legislature and now chancellor of the California Community Colleges told me when he was a guest on our parenting cable show: "You ask them and make sure you get their viewpoint and input, but as the parent you make the final decisions."

Some TV personality I was listening to talk about the troubles in cyberspace thought it wasn't a good idea for parents to snoop and spy on what kind of sites their kids are listed on and what kind of messages are being posted.

The pundit had to be kidding - I don't call my activities as a parent snooping or spying. I'm simply doing my job. If my level of monitoring, as I call it, is unacceptable, then my kids have to live in someone else's home where they can call the shots.

We're in charge of our own kids, so it's time to stop passing the buck. Society didn't create the behavior exhibited on social networks, and educators are not responsible for doing something about it.

As parents, we need to know what our children are up to. Bullies, like those being bullied, are fed and nurtured by those who raised them.

For far too long, we've put up with parents claiming, "I can't do a thing with him." Or, "That's just the way she is." No, that's just the way you are.

A LITTLE BIT OF CHIT CHAT CAN GO A LONG WAY

2010-10-02 13:26:57

NOWADAYS, too many parents just don't know our kids. It's because we simply haven't taken the time to learn all about our little bundles of joy that, at an early age, filled our lives with happiness.

Back then, in those early stages, we probably even made significant notes of when the first teeth popped through their gums, when the first word was uttered and most certainly when baby took that first step.

But somewhere along the way, we got caught up with the finer things in life that we thought would determine how well our kids would do.

The old-time stuff we'd been brought up with, the values and a parental philosophy that supported a cohesive relationship, gave way to long work hours that transformed into the money that's required to buy enough trinkets to keep our offspring on an equal playing field with their over-indulged peers.

Conversations with our kids lost out to their texting with their friends. The old "birds and the bees" discussion gave way to "Oh, they had that in their health class at school."

There are also the parents who avoid this issue, believing, they say, that the kids can learn more on the Internet than they could ever explain.

But with society raising our children, we can't possibly get to know them.

There are therapists on school campuses for the students who can't cope with a given emotional situation. The young people get to share their personal dilemma with a professional and may or may not later talk to their parents about the problem.

Of course parents have to be at work, but somewhere in the daily schedule there ought to be time for the children.

The dinner table used to hold a spot on the household calendar of idle but meaningful chitchat, but that old- time ritual has moved aside for the McDonald's drive-thru conversation that consists of "Do you want the cheeseburger with a chocolate shake?"

But sometimes, for a parent bent on getting the conversation going, even the drive-thru can prove beneficial. Take the father with the kid who claimed a certain ethnic group breeds like rabbits as he watched a family with lots of kids getting out of their parked car.

Young Mr. Derogatory Statement had a parent who sent him online to research the gestation period for rabbits and to learn how many bunnies could be born at one delivery.

Dad said his kid pouted and was annoyed with the research and the math component that said the nine months that it takes a human to produce a baby was way behind the 36 rabbits that would be delivered in the same time period.

But too often, the cruel and disparaging statements our kids think to be clever don't meet with parental views to the contrary. Too many of us have neglected this important interactive component that helps us to know who we're raising.

NEED A SHOTGUN RIDER ON THE SCHOOL BUS

2010-09-24 22:41:28

SOMEONE suggested that James Willie Jones, the father who jumped on the school bus a few weeks ago and threatened the students his daughter said were bullying her, was in need of anger-management therapy sessions.

I say more parents need to step up to the plate, or in this case the bus, and let it be known that anti-social behavior by wretched children is not going to be tolerated.

In Sanford, Fla., the 13-year-old daughter, a special-needs student with cerebral palsy, was hospitalized suffering from stress after the confrontation.

The father was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing a school function. He later posted $2,000 bail and was ordered to stay away from all county school buses and the driver of the bus, who he had, along with the bullies, indeed threatened as he sought to protect his daughter.

No question that order must be maintained in a society. Parents, as well as others, cannot be given a license to take other children into our own hands.

We cannot become Ellie Nesler, the mother who created a national discussion about vigilantism after she killed her son's accused molester in a courtroom in 1993.

But as in this school bus confrontation, there were those who saw Nesler as a hero and others who condemned her lawless actions.

Nesler was tried, convicted and sentenced to prison.

But what about Mr. Jones, who says he had reported the bullying incidents to school authorities?

What about it, parents - just what would you have done?

What would I have done?

Shirlee Smith would have boarded the school bus, said good morning to the driver, asked my daughter (as Jones did) who the culprits were, and in mild, measured tones, spoken gently and discussed the issue in a reasonable manner with them and then asked for compliance with the idea of being kind to others.

Don't you believe it!

Have you ever seen Tyler Perry's "Medea" movie scene in which Medea gets on a school bus, because of teasing and bullying, and beats one of the miscreants over the head?

These unruly kids in our communities are unruly, in part, because nobody - starting with their parents - wants to confront them. I've heard white people say, "Well, that's the way they are."

Reasonable black people, who raise their kids to be decent, often just try to move to a better part of town so they aren't exposed to the "mess."

But the mess catches up with us anyway, and then what do we do?

When my kid called on her cell phone to report an incident unfolding on a city ARTS bus she was riding, I headed out in my house slippers and pajamas to where she reported the bus was stopped.

Police were on the scene but the decent kids who were still there most assuredly weren't about to give any kind of eyewitness report.

The bad ones, who attacked the bus driver, got away. But the driver had been "sucking up" all kinds of harassment and teasing for many weeks, according to my kid.

Back in the covered-wagon days, someone rode shotgun.

Maybe parents ought to consider bringing back this old tradition with a few modern modifications.

I don't think James Willie Jones has an anger-management problem. I believe this father had a mad dash of courage the rest of us need a slice of.

DR PHIL'S WEBSITE SAYS IT ALL

2010-09-17 22:54:04

Of course that was me on "Dr. Phil" the other day. There probably isn't another Shirlee Smith with curly gray hair and a belligerent attitude.

So why was I on the show and why was I rude to that comedian on the panel discussing bias, racism, favoritism and other American traditions?

Well, by my standards, I wasn't all that rude in asking Mr. Funny to shut up as he was hogging the entire show and I was there to give my opinion, having gotten up at 6 a.m. and driven to Paramount Studios for that purpose.

Here's this cute young black female, a show staff member, complaining in a YouTube video about racial profiling at the Burbank airport. Oh, yeah, I had an opinion!

She told how several men approached her as she went to remove her luggage from the turnstile, showed their badges and demanded to search her bags.

She was humiliated and frightened, and it had happened to her, she said, all because of her color.

Racism was showing its ugly head at the airport according to the mistreated young damsel.

Now, I'm not going to argue that America isn't a racist society, but I'm most certainly not going to jump on the bandwagon of calling every unpleasant situation between a black and a white person racist.

Hey, Ms. Staff Lady, this is the airport where everybody has an equal opportunity of conforming to what security demands.

On the show, Ms. Staff Lady didn't appreciate my saying she needed to grow up and shot back, in a disdainful manner, that she'd been taught to respect her elders but she sure didn't exhibit such by marching down the aisle to where I was seated in the audience.

Mr. Funny Man, a person of color, didn't like my point of view, either.

"Are We Just Too Sensitive?" was the title of Dr. Phil's show that day and my answer was yes, yes, yes.

As black folk, we're an interesting bunch when it comes to playing the race card and, as usual, I'm going to lay our individual perspectives on life in America at the feet of those who raise us.

If you are allowed to grow up with no one correcting your belief that the teacher gave you a low grade on the exam because he/she didn't like black people, then you're probably gonna be pretty sure the search at the airport was because of your color.

But for the parent who intercedes in this low-grade scenario and demands a look at the exam, thus discovering the lack of proficiency in the subject matter is the real cause for the D-, we've produced a young adult with a perspective on life broader than attributing all negative experiences with white people as racism.

The disappointment in the small part I played on the show was that my opinion got edited out regarding real bias raising its head. That's what happened when Ms. Staff Lady told airport security that she worked on "Dr. Phil," and they apologized, complimented her expensive luggage and sent her on her way.

Ah, America.

PARTIES. CURFEWS. GUNSHOTS AND DEAD TEENS

2010-09-11 00:43:30

DOMINIQUE Peatry, 14, of Lancaster, attended her last house party this past Labor Day weekend.

Early Sunday morning, homicide investigators report that sometime around 1 a.m. she was shot dead at the hip-shaking event.

The gunmen didn't just take down Dominique. Six other revelers, ranging in age from 13 to 26, were injured but are expected to survive.

On Aug. 28, The Desert Sun reported the teenager shot and killed the previous weekend at a Coachella party was now identified as 16-year-old Angel Raul Bernal.

And looking out of state, the Chicago Sun-Times reported on Aug. 29 that 17-year-old Adolfoi Guijardo-Soria was killed by a gunshot while attending a block party.

These are just a small sampling of the stories involving teens killed at weekend parties. There's not much reason to list any more of them because the circumstances are the same and only the names and ages of the victims change.

How devastating for the families and friends who believed their teenagers were out for a night of fun and frolic. But these tragedies go beyond the loss of life and the pain the family and friends suffer.

Herein lies the bigger picture:

In simple and straightforward parent talk, the answer to "Can I go to the party" requires answers to the following from the teenager: Who is giving it? The address? And provide me with the name and telephone number of the parents.

In the Lancaster scenario, I want to know who stood at the door and thought it was OK to let

13-year-old kids into the place to party with adults who were in their late 20s? And how come no one seemed to know there's a curfew for kids and that was many hours before the gunfire erupted at 1:00 a.m.?

Am I blaming the victims? I certainly hope not, but I am seeing these weekend murders as something that a small amount of parental oversight might work toward providing funeral homes with less business.

Parents have a responsibility when the teenager believes her or she, like "all the other kids," ought to be at the party.

As my mother, the nuisance lady, used to say, "I'm not all the other mothers" and the answer is you're not going. The nuisance lady would call the party house with her list of questions.

Does this kind of parental behavior actually work? Not all the time, but it puts teenagers on notice that your eye is on the prize.

Ms. Nuisance was policing all her kids' activities and that was long before guns and drugs were standard operating procedures in the world of young folk.

When I had kids, I expanded on the concept of being a nuisance. My offspring knew that whatever party they were given permission to attend, I was going to drive past to watch who was going in, and if there were the slightest appearance of a wrong crowd, I would park, go in and mine would have to come out.

This kind of watchdog behavior doesn't have to be repeated or even carried out (just the thought of it) because no one wants his or her mother with her hair uncombed, wearing her bath robe, ringing the doorbell at a party.

Times are dangerous and house parties are no exception. Are parents going to monitor them?

Of course not.

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IT'S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW BUT WHO YOU'RE RELATED TO

2010-09-03 19:33:24

DALLAS Congresswoman Eddie Bernice Johnson is an absolute disgrace. Over the years, she has continuously awarded Congressional Black Caucus Foundation Scholarships to her relatives and to relatives of her district director. Now exposed, she claims she was unaware of rules against this.

According to the foundation's annual reports from 2005-2008, Johnson awarded 11 scholarships a year and each of those years, three or four of the winners were to her and to her aide's children, grandchildren or nephews.

Johnson's excuse is shameful, insensitive, insulting and unbelievable. As a nine-term elected official in a public trust position who served as chair of the Black Caucus Foundation and on its board of directors, who does she expect will believe her story that she was ignorant of the rules?

In defending herself, Johnson says had there been more worthy applicants, she probably would not have given the scholarships to relatives.

In a full display of how high and mighty she sees herself, she announced in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper that she had repaid the $31,000 from her personal funds and she is ready to move on.

Continuing, she implied there was no real news in this story because she had made a simple mistake and the scholarship awards are a very minor part of what she does.

Being peppered with questions concerning her awardees lying on the application in signing that they were not related to anyone affiliated with the Congressional Black Caucus, Johnson ran for cover telling Cooper she knew nothing about the application and concluded by saying those records were missing from her office.

How dare this black woman claim the lack of worthy applicants? Did she take her elected self or send members of her staff out into the district she represents to knock on doors and find families?

Did she or her staff visit the high schools where she claims she sent the scholarship information to pump up the need for their seniors to apply?

Of course not.

Johnson, like too many black folk who think they've made it but still have the chance to help others, don't want the lower socio-economic kids contaminating the world they've come to believe is theirs.

The congresswoman isn't alone in parceling out academic goodies to her relatives. School administrators and teachers do the same on a regular basis.

Ask them how their kids got full scholarships to Harvard, Stanford, Yale and other best of the best institutions of higher learning and you won't hear them say the information came across their desk and they kept it for themselves rather than informing the public.

I'm glad the Texas congresswoman has been outed and has shown her true self with the arrogant attitude and insensitive and unbelievable excuses.

But I'll only be satisfied if it helps students and their families become more diligent in uncovering the many opportunities that are available to them and then show a willingness to expose those who, like Johnson, are keeping the goodies for them and theirs.

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BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING FOR WHAT?

2010-08-27 22:57:06

According to the National Retail Federation's 2010 back-to-school survey, the average American family will spend $606 on clothes, shoes, supplies and electronics, compared to $548 last year and $594 in 2008. Total spending on school-aged children in grades K-12 is expected to reach $21.35 billion.

I didn't find results of any survey charting how much time American parents would spend shopping at their kid's school for the education plan and policies pertaining to academic proficiency. It's an all-too-acceptable edict that clothes make the student.

A quick stop by the closet in an American kid's room prior to the annual end-of-summer spending ritual will usually yield a floor full of shoes, a rack full of clothing and a backpack or two crammed into a corner.

Turning attention in the room to the chest of drawers, there will be T-shirts and other items, some still with price tags attached, that have never been worn. Back-to-school shopping ought to start at home.

Drag the so-called worn-out backpacks from out of the corner and take `em down to the shoe repair shop to get the handles and straps strengthened and the whole thing cleaned up.

But the kid wants a new one with a favorite television character splashed in gaudy colors from top to bottom and sometimes even with a water bottle to match.

Get real, shoppers. Recheck that list you've created and start scratching off the wants and stick with the needs.

Growing feet most certainly need a pair of new shoes. But where the high cost of footwear enters the picture isn't always the individual price - it is the many pairs our offspring think they should own. What self-respecting high school young lady wants to wear the same shoes no matter the outfit?

And how many parents, no matter the condition of the household budget, defy this trend? Whether standing in the unemployment line or hiding from the neighbors as the repo man hauls away the SUV, parents tend to believe they're required to be part of the retail federation's survey results.

Let's miss the madness this year and contribute to a small dip in the anticipated $21.35 billion spending spree. Let's create a scenario of shopping at the school for what Julio, Jamal and Johnny and their female counterparts really need.

Schools are open prior to the first day of classes, which provides every parent the opportunity to make the acquaintance of those in charge of academic progress either by drop-in visit, appointment or phone call.

Develop a list of questions based on what you forgot to find out last year and just like the conversation that usually takes place regarding shopping for clothes, consult with the offspring about their academic wants and needs.

Keep this going all year long. It will be time well spent with results guaranteed. It's a different way of preparing for the school year. It's real money saved. it's children very annoyed.

Guaranteed? I have four adult children, all university graduates, and Brandi, my 19-year-old, attends junior college.

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WHAT ABOUT DR. LAURA?

2010-08-20 21:22:41

DOES Laura Schlessinger speak for white America? The well-known and controversial syndicated radio host and author may be, in her latest diatribe, giving us all a walk down Race Avenue, Anytown, U.S.A.

Nita Hanson, radio code name Jade, an African-American woman from Colorado Springs, who is a regular listener to the program and happens to be married to a white man, called Schlessinger with a question on a racial issue.

Hanson didn't get any useful advice, but listeners that day - and now everyone across the country - were given the opportunity to examine the question of race in America.

Much has been made of Dr. Laura's spouting out the "N" word 11 times while referring to rappers' and black comedians' constant use of the derogatory term. She was upset about the word being holy ground for anyone of non-color to walk on.

Hmm, political correctness doesn't allow this topic to cross the color line. White folks in personal conversations aren't going to risk the trouble it might cause them in a friendship to talk about this double standard.

But what about it?

What if I always wrote what I really thought in the moment? Should I be willing to risk the baring of my true soul when it comes to being black in white America?

Talk-show hosts don't have the benefits of a delete key. They get on a verbal roll and can't edit as they go. They don't know where a conversation with a caller is going when they get into it and what they say is exactly who they are. The old expression "the truth will out" has real meaning here for Dr. Laura.

I edit as I go. Eliminate entire paragraphs. Reword and rewrite. Think and then maybe choose another phrase.

Do I put into print everything I think? Please! But I most certainly have personal conversations where the edit button isn't available. Do I have conversations about race that I would never put into print? Most certainly.

While I usually don't comment on letters to the editor in the newspaper regarding my column, a recent one questioning my statement "the need to interpret white America for our offspring" can't be ignored because it fits too well with this discussion.

The writer advises: "Smith should stop talking about race and start talking about anyone who is unemployed, who've lost their job, who is low income, or generally needs help. People need to look at a person's character, not their color, religion or ethnicity."

The black parents who don't continually talk to their children about race in America are not fulfilling the responsibility of preparing them for the real world.

Black parents, as well as others, shouldn't take the Dr. Laura controversy as one woman's ranting - we all need to examine it for the deeper meaning.

To believe race doesn't matter in America is, simply put, wishful thinking.

To believe Dr. Laura's words aren't actually what a lot of white Americans think is, simply put, some more wishful thinking.

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KEEPING TODDLERS AT THE GATE

2010-08-13 21:38:31

KIDS could be getting sick from eating food intended for their pets. These kibbles and bits aren't meant for human consumption. And most picky pet owners wouldn't be caught dead feeding their little animal darlings most of the brands the rest of us bring home for our dogs and cats.

So have our kids created a new junk food craze?

I think kitchens are for the cooks and for those who wash the dishes unless it's mealtime and then all members of the family sit down at the kitchen table unless, of course, they use a dining room.

While this seems a common sense formula, a report from the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests otherwise. Apparently it's not just the cooks and dishwashers hanging out in the family meal prep center.

Babies crawling around the floor in their sagging paper diapers and pulling pots and pans from kitchen cupboards seems a rather common occurrence in many a home.

There are the toddlers who run amuck pulling at the cat's tail as the feline crunches on the dry tidbits in its dish that sits just next to the kitchen back door.

Or maybe our little toddler is busy kicking at the dog while it laps from the water pan that sits underneath the bottled water cooler.

How come these underage cooks and dishwashers have the run of the place?

The parent, who asked for my advice when it came to keeping her kid from being underfoot when she was trying to prepare meals, defied all logic. "Oh, I have one of those gates you're talking about and it is across the doorway," she responded.

Well, then, how come her little boy was still underfoot? The mom explained in great detail that he cried, had tantrums, and rolled on the floor right next to the gate that blocked his entrance to what was supposed to be forbidden territory.

And so she, to keep the peace, let him in. While this kid had long passed the crawling or toddler stage and may not have been a candidate for nibbling the pet food, his mother's inability to keep him out seems to be a prevailing problem for those moms with the young ones who hang out in close proximity to the pet food.

While many health warnings have been issued over the last few years that relate to dry pet foods being an under-recognized source of salmonella infections in humans, too many parents seem to have missed the red flags.

Missing the warnings is about the same as missing the common sense approach as to who belongs in the meal prep room. For the safety of all the little kids, put the crawler in the high chair, buy a gate and keep the toddler on the far side of it.

A few simple suggestions families ought to practice when it comes to having four-legged creatures in the home: 1. Wash hands after contact with them and their food and bowls 2. Regularly clean their bowls and feeding areas and don't do this in the kitchen sink or in the bathtub.

Now will this will stop the older kiddies in the household who yield to temptation and taste that stuff their animals so readily gobble up?

It's time for this conversation with the family to take place, whether it happens at the kitchen table or in the dinning room. Let's just do it.

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VIP TICKETS AIN'T NOTHIN' IF YOU AIN'T GOT A PARKING PASS

2010-08-07 19:06:58

The Staples Center was the place. Right there, located in the same breath, a person could take in the Nokia Theater and the Los Angeles Convention Center. There was, also, a huge configuration of restaurants and other glitter stuff.

But I wasn't able to eyeball the splendor as I was desperately looking to find accommodations for my not-so-brand-new Oldsmobile.

It was the night that Pasadena took over the Staples Center complete with a VIP reception on the rooftop. Our seats, in the famous structure, were on the floor.

After looping around several roadblocks and navigating past one-way streets that weren't pointing in the direction I needed, I finally came to a parking structure, pulled in and promptly had to head back out.

"Twenty-five bucks!" announced the attendant.

Next try was just across the street. But, alas, a uniformed attendant asked me with a snippety attitude for my pass.

"Huh?" But she did become extremely accommodating when it came to directing me from the entrance to the far end exit that would take me back to the streets.

Ah, the streets of Los Angeles. Out there on the golden pathways of the big city, there were indeed a few lots that fit my pocketbook but unfortunately they didn't fit my inability to hoof five blocks down Figueroa to the big night of watching the Los Angeles Sparks vs. Chicago Sky basketball game.

The flier for the event said Pasadena's new police chief, mayor, superintendent of our public schools along with other dignitaries would be in attendance.

The John Muir Drum Corps that gets feet to stomping and the Sue B. Dance Company that wows crowds with their every performance were part of what Brandi and I missed.

As we headed east on Olympic Boulevard, away from Stapes, Nokia and the rest of the elements of affluence I named Plush Town USA, within just a few blocks we crossed the border into another country.

My kid didn't miss the realization that money matters. The further east we drove the more I griped about redevelopment and big time investors. By the time we crossed the bridge over the trickle of water called the Los Angeles River and were stopped in front of the old Sears building by Soto Street, the sites we had witnessed coming through the garment and wholesale districts made Plush Town USA seem as far away as Century City or Beverly Hills.

But Pasadena taking over Staples Center was only about 10 minutes behind us.

After turning north on Soto Street, we cruised through my old Boyle Heights neighborhood while we headed toward the City of Roses and the comfort of knowing which streets were one-way and the place where I'm generally familiar with how to find parking.

Boyle Heights stands as a visual reminder of America's diversity missing the dollars of investors, redevelopment and political clout.

When it comes to reminders, that high cost of parking and the too far to walk was my entire fault - I know better. May this experience put me back on track because having a ticket to a VIP reception without asking the bigger question - "Where's parking?" - means you wind up in another country. That's just how things go.

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WITH TEEN DRIVING, STORY IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE

2010-07-30 22:58:33

MY older sister always talked about what she called three sides to every story - his, hers and the part left out.

There are probably many other titles for this adage, but the clear point is each person has a version, and all too often those versions hold the teller of the tale in the best light.

Such turned out to be the case of Ms. Mom who called me for advice concerning her 14-year-old son going with his friend to an amusement park about an hour's drive from their home on the freeway.

Big concern, said mom, was the friend's 17-year-old brother who would be, along with his same-aged girlfriend, driving the car.

"They just don't have that much behind-the-wheel experience," Ms. Mom announced and went on to say she just had a bad feeling in her gut.

"That's a long way from home," she continued, and asked me what I thought.

Well, first off, if you sense trouble, if your stomach or your head is saying, "Maybe not," then you've already got the answer. But the caller insisted she really wanted to approach this outing logically.

Was the 14-year-old too young for such an excursion unaccompanied by an adult?

Do you know the older brother? Is he a responsible kid? Does he have insurance and what do you know about the parents?

What does your husband have to say about the excursion, I wanted to know.

"He told me to ask you," she responded.

Passing the buck is a great strategy, so I asked Sherry Goodloe, a AAA instructor for its Teen Driving Program.

I asked a lot of other people, too.

Most, including myself, thought that given the positive response to the insurance question and the fact that the older brother was said to be extremely responsible and that the two families were familiar with each other, the kid should get to go.

But Sherry, not just knowledgeable in teen driving issues but an extremely wise woman, focused on that bad feeling Ms. Mom had in her gut. That is what every mom is supposed to go with.

It trumps everything else.

Back to the adage of three sides to every story: Turns out Ms. Mom was kinda running a game - as folks often do when they claim they need advice. Ms. Mom didn't give all the details, which included a very important one - she'd already told the kid he couldn't go and she was simply wondering if she'd made the right decision.

This brings up another important parenting process - consistency. It also turns out Ms. Mom didn't tell her son no because she was concerned about the long drive taking him far from home or because of the responsibility level or of the driver's experience.

In a lengthy follow-up conversation, it came out that her kid had not been behaving as he should've in a multitude of situations and he didn't deserve the trip to the amusement park.

Three sides to every story? The kid didn't get to go - Ms. Mom was consistent but he never heard it was about his past behavior. But how come I had to hear a round-about version about an issue we parents ponder all the time?

And the answer to all of this has to be that elusive third factor - the truth is in the middle.

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FINALLY, A REPLACEMENT FOR BORING MEN?

2010-07-23 22:35:59

Taylor Momsen, the 16-year-old one-time actress and now sultry music maker, helps our girl-children - and they are still children at the age of 16 - sound like the sluts, hos and female dogs that rap artists who constantly hold their crotches preach about.

In a recent magazine interview and photo shoot, the teenybopper entertainer told the interviewer she was bored with men and that her vibrator was her best friend.

A 16-year-old doesn't even have a brain that's fully developed, according to the experts on child development who caution parents in terms of our expectations. So why should anyone add any credibility to this kind of spouting off?

The answer, I'm afraid is lots of people will take these words as a meaningful statement. And a bunch of those hanging on to this entertainer's every word of miscalculated muttering, simply because the girl's a teen icon, are other youngsters who will accept this stuff as thought-provoking. That is to say, youngsters will ponder (but not for long) and then decide they need to follow suit.

Bored with men? In my way of raising daughters she shouldn't be involved with "men" in the first place. Any who have driven her to sexual boredom belong locked up because men having sexual encounters with those under the age of consent are criminals.

But maybe I've taken this all wrong. Bored with men perhaps was meant to mean bored with boys. But does this mean for an ice cream date Momsen takes her vibrator?

Who are the people behind such outrageous commentary from a kid? Where's her mother and why has she given this daughter to the management folk who believed "bored with men but has a replacement" was a winning hook?

My daughter, who preferred to ride public transportation to her job in the Crenshaw area of Los Angeles, made a quick decision to change to the quiet comfort of her own automobile after a full week of having to hear teenagers on their way to middle school loudly discuss their evening sexual exploits with their mothers' boyfriends and all kinds of other tawdry tales unfit for most of our sensibilities.

But maybe my daughter is just old-timey, like her mother. Just maybe Momsen and the damsels riding down Crenshaw Boulevard are the essence of tomorrow's women.

But giving Momsen's vibrator friend some thought, here, I'm wondering if it isn't the better scenario than the one I recently heard regarding a 16-year-old who was soon to give birth to her third child.

I think I'll ask my old-timey daughter to get back on the bus when school starts in September just to hear if the Crenshaw juveniles have acquired a new friend they can always stash in their backpacks, hence providing their moms the opportunity of not having to share their boring men.

** Smith also has comments on this topic in a featured fox entertainment article ==> Taylor Momsen Too Young to Be Talking About Sex Toys, Critics Say.

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STAYING COOL 'OLD LADY' STYLE

2010-07-16 22:58:16

GRANNY Pickett kept the house dark. "Another of her 'old lady' behaviors,"' I reasoned.

I whined to my mother about these absurd conditions and, as most young folk will do, threw in what I thought was the winning argument which was something about my friends didn't have to creep through their homes trying hard to see.

Every summer my mother gave the same steady and consistent answer reminding me we lived in Granny Picket's home and she ran it the way she saw fit.

Old people and non-combative parents who didn't stick up for their kids was my reasoning on this hot weather issue.

The curtains, drapes and shades are closed in my home during these days of triple digit temperatures. That daily breeze I knew my father's mother was depriving the family of because she closed all windows at 5 a.m. each morning, is forbidden from entering the domicile I administer.

Nobody told me, in days gone by, that the air is coolest at night and that's why the windows were opened but closed when the hot air was all we would get come daytime - but no breeze.

I had to respect my grandmother; no back talk, no eye rolls, courteous at all time and obedient no matter what her position on any matter. But geez!

"Your cats need a frozen wash cloth on their bodies," was the new edict from me this summer for Brandi's lifeless looking cats, Mali and Cowcat.

I didn't get any teenage-to-old-lady attitude. The cloths were soaked in water, placed in the freezer and removed as soon as ice crystals formed.

From the cats' I-can't-move position in separate corners of the kitchen floor, one pet shifted her tail and the other one simply opened both eyes as `old-lady cool' got placed on their panting bodies.

If the cats could benefit from this innovation, why couldn't their owner, mused my thinking teenager, but then she quickly voiced concern about a brain freeze.

This hot weather ain't easy on one's body. But sitting at our kitchen table under the ceiling fan, turned up to maximum, adorned with silly looking ice-crystal wash cloths on our heads in a room with the windows closed and the shades drawn, we were doing our best.

It was then that I remembered the warnings from every elementary school teacher I have had: "Now, children," they said during every heat wave, "using those little paper fans you've made is not helping you to be cooler because you're using energy."

What if someone were to tell us the ice caps we'd made were doing us more harm than good?

What if the next morning I discovered the cats were no longer with us because they'd been chilled to death?

Like we students who tuned out our grade school teachers, Brandi and I were ready to defy the odds. Something has to help us through this siege of too hot weather.

As for my grandmother, as usual, the old folks know what they're talking about. Brandi found her words of wisdom on the Internet listed under "how to survive the heat."

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LINDSAY WHO GOT SENTENCED TO WHAT?

2010-07-09 23:45:38

AS a parent, I was repulsed with the media circus surrounding the Lindsay Lohan 90-day jail sentence.

And as a low-income black parent, it was even more sickening because I also had the task of putting the issue into a context that would speak to the teenage member of my household.

"Diversion," said the somewhat militant young black teenager whose brother is doing time, hard time, for a crime the family says he didn't commit and has a lawyer working on the case.

"Drama; she's an actress, ain't she?" said the girl from the `hood who further said Lohan's sentence for continuous probation violations didn't hardly measure up to the punishments her "mama" used to hand down.

In my house Brandi and I talked about Rafael losing his job and we talked about Lohan. The first part of the conversation was pretty much focused on me learning who the heck this sometimes blonde young actress was.

The next part of the discussion centered on Rafael's wife having no more spending money and this took us back to the drama queen in the courtroom.

Did the actress lose her job? Will she lose contracts, now, with jail time on her record?

"Well, she's working on a film," Ms Knowledgeable Brandi was able to add but did agree with me that this wasn't the same kind of thing as no longer having a job working on jets at LAX.

On the same day Lohan was sentenced, Rafael (that's what I'll call him here so he won't be embarrassed) lost his well-paying job as a mechanic working on jets at LAX.

He'd held that spot for over two decades and was dependable, competent and hard working but layoffs are layoffs in these tough economic times.

His wife cleans houses but only, the two of them said, so she could have her own spending money. This, rest assured, has changed.

His wife's income will no longer be spending money but will, along with the unemployment check, be the household money.

Where were the network cameras and reporters when Rafael broke the news of his unemployment status to the lady of his house?

This kind of news tells us regular folk who we are and where we stand.

But it isn't only Rafael whose circumstances don't get brought to our attention. He has lots of company because no matter the encouraging economic statistics we're fed by those who control our information, deserted homes in neighborhoods keep us knowing that the media coverage of the weeping young actress in the courtroom, who must have never learned about consequences, isn't really our news.

It is, as the young sorta militant brother said, diversion.

Then, after this non-news event, we were fed follow-up information regarding the obscene message Lohan had painted on her fingernails with an emphasis on whether this message was meant for the judge or was it just happenstance?

The coverage of a young person's anti-social behavior in a country where media is a coveted experience doesn't help our youth focus on delivering the positive.

For minority parents, as well as low-income ones, this Lohan nonsense brings forth the need to interpret white America for our offspring and help them realize Lohan serving 90 days behind bars has no meaning in their lives when Rafael may never find another well-paying job and the young militant's brother may never see the outside of prison.

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PUBLIC COMMENT TAKES THE BACKSEAT TO PUBLIC DEBATE

2010-07-04 21:36:00

EVERY kid of mine has had to suffer through my storming down to a local school board meeting to let the elected officials who sit behind what I call the curved desk in comfy leather chairs hear my side of the story.

Did whichever kid of mine it was at the time want to be there with me? Of course not. But as I was quick to let my young household members know, "If it wasn't that I had kids, and was your mother, I wouldn't even know this was going on."

That was usually followed by a short "Just get in the car and shut up."

I've even been down to the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors to give those politicians my point of view.

Were they interested? Did they care? Of course not.

However, I'm a firm believer that the people should utilize the item called public comment on the agendas of boards that serve the public and I most certainly wanted my offspring to recognize their civic responsibility.

The unique quality of this public comment feature is that it is just that - a chance for the public to be heard.

For the many times I seized this opportunity, and had my children bare witness, there was never a time those who were forced to hear my three-minute tirade gave argument, comment or attitude.

I was always listened to and thanked but I never thought for a moment these servants of the public wanted to hear what I had to say, considered my viewpoint or were pleased that I had taken the time to stand before them.

Sometimes in life the tables turn. So when serving on the Altadena Library Board of Trustees and listening to a room full of constituents present their concerns regarding the library's plans for expansion, it was our job, I thought, to listen and be polite. Well, maybe also ask a question for point of clarification - but listen.

"How come nobody even talked to you?" one of my kids wanted to know, way back in the day, after a trip down to a school board meeting.

"Public comment," I answered dryly. "Not public debate."

But things weren't that way on that night at the library meeting because the locals never got to know the difference between comment and debate because the trustees soundly put them in their place.

But wait. These people were who I am. Like me, they came from their homes because they had concerns.

Maybe they weren't articulate. Maybe they weren't dressed just right. But just maybe their point of view wasn't what the trustees wanted to hear.

But these locals were me, in days gone by, addressing the Board of Supervisors. These people were me, some many years ago with a kid in tow, blasting members of the local school board.

The concerned locals didn't get the respect that is supposed to be afforded them when they provide their opinion

The old folks in the neighborhood where I grew up preached that you're judged by the company you keep and this old-time value system expands, for me, to mean that I am judged by the boards on which I serve.

I was walking in the wrong shoes.

While the trustees accepted my resignation without an exit interview, folks around town keep asking the why. But I suspect the folks whose comments were turned into a debate at that meeting know quite well Shirlee Smith was out of place in the company she was keeping.

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GRADUATION WITH A PUNCH

2010-06-26 09:18:34

Graduation ceremonies have their good points and their questionable ones.

And while some folk get on a roll when it comes to talking about cap and gown for the kiddies moving from pre-school to kindergarten or from kindergarten to first grade, graduation conversation this week has taken on a whole new direction.

The lockdown of Puesta del Sol Elementary School in Victorville following blows exchanged between moms at the kindergarten graduation meant the real graduates - the sixth graders - were not allowed a ceremony.

Was this fair? Should the pre-teen students have to suffer because the younguns have misbehaving parents?

Since life's not a journey that always provides just punishments or just rewards, the question of fairness, here, doesn't make much of a difference.

Did the school need to be placed on lock-down since the misbehaving parents weren't packing weapons and had, according to news reports, taken their low-class behavior onto a field adjacent to the school ceremony?

I say no - and then I'm going to quickly add a BUT!

While people nowadays like to talk so much about how kids have changed, I usually interrupt that perspective by declaring kids have not changed but parents sure have.

Find the kindergartener with the foul mouth and when his momma charges into the school office, madder than you know what, you know exactly why her son talks the way he does.

Makes one wonder about the classroom behavior of the very young graduates with parents who engaged

in the brawl, since we know kids are prone to emulate that which they are exposed to.

Maybe those in charge of Puesta del Sol Elementary up in San Bernardino County are just plain tired of crazy parents and therefore handed down a punishment catching everybody in the net - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Maybe the school administrators handed out the punishment with the hope that decent-acting parents might have the tools for reining in the mommas who exchanged the blows in the field and maybe the well-behaving parents can also help the men who jumped into the fray.

News reports don't say what led to the fight. But it doesn't matter - the root of this evil, the bigger question, is that with such a lack of life skills these parents most certainly are not equipped to parent their children.

What kind of role models have we got here?

One of the comments I keep hearing is that with this Victorville brawl, jock parent-style adult behavior has moved to the school campus.

"Take in a high school athletic event and this graduation fight in the field is little or nothing," one parent I know said.

A telephone tip resulted in the arrest of two women. Let's see what kind of sentence the judge hands down and let's see if social services moves in and takes the kids from the home.

Part of the sentence has to be mandatory anger management and parent training classes. Maybe, just maybe, those who took part in this disgraceful behavior will be assigned a parenting mentor selected from the group of decent parents whose students didn't get to have their 6th-grade graduation ceremony.

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VOTE TO MAKE SHIRLEE THE NEXT OPRAH

2010-06-18 21:22:05

IT'S a Saturday morning and I'm in Laguna Niguel, having lined up at 4 a.m. in a Kohl's parking lot. I have no idea how many people are here ahead of me. What number am I?

Wrist bands won't be passed out until 8 a.m., but with people flying in from all over the world for this event, a quick journey down the 5 freeway in no traffic and a mere four-hour wait to secure my place in history is something I plan to handle with ease.

Actually, at my age standing in line is not quite done with ease. So I've got with me a folding camping chair, a small cooler on wheels, a huge sun hat, a book, a camera and a daughter who is diligent enough to have accompanied me.

"A chance of a lifetime" read an online post from someone who was flying in from Europe.

"It all runs quite smoothly," someone else posted, who had lined up in Texas.

then there was the video clip of this Texas bunch. Replay after replay and I still never spotted any gray-haired grannies in the crowd of hopefuls - not even one.

"Maybe I should shave off a few of my years and claim to be younger," I said to Brandi as I filled out the application for this chance of a lifetime.

"For all you know," she responded, "they're looking for a granny."

Great response from a kid I teach to be honest and to be proud and happy with who she is.

But, I reasoned to myself, women are pardoned for lying about their age. Being of bad memory, I couldn't have kept up the lie, and liars have to have a memory.

Anyway, I'd have had trouble doing the mathematical calculations when the application asked for ages of children. My oldest is 53 - if I shaved down my years, I would have had her somewhere around the age of 10.

Thanks, Brandi. A gray-haired granny is what they'll get.

I actually owe Brandi some more thanks because she made the video and edited it into a three-minute clip and uploaded it with the Flip camera the Flintridge Foundation awarded our nonprofit organization through a capacity-building grant. So thank you, Flintridge.

In Christmas colors, with a few poinsettia plants in the background, you'll find me working with a group of parents (they're off camera - no need for releases this way) attending one of my most popular workshops, "Your Kids - Your Money."

I'm hoping I will also get to thank all of you readers for visiting our uploaded video clip and voting for me in the Oprah competition for having a show on her new network,OWN.

"Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith" has been a cable show produced at the city of Pasadena studios since 1994.

If you vote and tell your friends to vote for my common-sense parenting approach, and if I make it through the casting call/audition, we just might all have a chance to witness the birth of a no -nonsense parenting message gone national.

Here's the website where you can vote: http://myown.oprah.com/audition - put in my name and you'll see the clip and please click on the green check mark for me.

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THE TEENAGE GIRLS ARE TO BE COMMENDED

2010-06-11 21:17:22

WHILE the arrest of James Norkin, the sex-offender parolee accused of groping a teenage girl on an Orange County bus, is being heralded as quick action by the authorities, I believe a good portion of that praise belongs to the girl, the friends who were with her and their families.

According to news reports, the alleged victim boarded the bus with two friends. During their ride to Laguna Niguel, the accused grabbed a seat next to them and as the girls tell it, continually touched one of them inappropriately.

The friends yelled for him to stop and managed to take a picture of the attack on a cell phone. The teenager who was being groped was, it's reported, too scared to move.

Norkin pretended to be sleeping, but fortunately the teenagers were alert, grasped the reality of the situation and did the right thing.

The Orange County bus system caught Norkin on surveillance cameras and these videos were quickly broadcast on news outlets where the sex offender's parole officer spotted him, which led to the quick arrest. But without the girls' actions, I think Norkin would still be molesting females. Instead, within a few days he was sent back to Chino State Prison.

"I'd-a slapped him upside his head," announced one belligerent teenager with whom we were discussing the incident.

"What if he had a weapon?" asked her friend. "Then what?"

What to tell our young women? Remain silent? Don't move? Have cell phone ready?

Only travel with a buddy? Maybe.

Don't ride the bus? Don't sit next to men? Don't sit next to anyone? Stand in the aisle? Getting to sound kind of silly.

Just what's a female passenger to do? Carry a legal-size container of pepper spray or Mace?

This matter of being molested on public transportation is nothing new. It just doesn't always make the front page, and more times than not it doesn't get reported.

But when we talk to those who ride public transportation or when we do just a small amount of research we find that females being embarrassed about the incident is a huge factor that allows these perverts to keep on doing what they do.

According to one story, standing in the aisle is no safer than being seated. One woman rail commuter was standing in the crowded aisle in front of a man. There were plenty of passengers surrounding her on all sides and a friend less than a few feet away, but no one was aware of the molestation that was happening to her.

I don't suspect the teenagers riding the Orange County bus had a series of training classes, so what might have led them to handle the situation in the manner that they did?

What is it that they've heard or experienced in their young lives that brought them to do the right thing?

Our belligerent teen kept citing some Tyler Perry movie in which the main character, whose name escapes me, got on a school bus and beat a misbehaving kid over the head.

"I ain't takin' nothin' offa nobody," the teen maintained - no matter what the best way is to handle an encounter with a molester while riding public transportation.

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JUNE MADNESS

2010-06-05 00:01:24

IF I were just a little bit lazy, I'd pull out my writing from last year on high school graduation activities, because nothing has changed very much.

Year after year, and by now that count is somewhere past 30, I scratch my head in an attempt to come up with a new angle focusing on the cost of this traditional June madness.

But where is something new to be found when parents - even though their households are a penny away from being destitute - are still flashing the credit cards to pay for pictures, grad nights, after-parties, prom and all the rest of the insanity that's called a "right of passage."

Where am I to find the school district I can bring to readers' attention with praise for their ability to buck the tide and say enough is enough?

Under this kind of ruling there would be no more expensive class pictures with seniors in cap and gown posing for the photographer who comes to campus for picture day - and to rip off proud and financially strapped parents.

Find me the school district that simply sends a memo home asking parents to grab their cell phone or digital camera and come to picture day and snap their own.

Every year the graduates in our home district have to buy their cap and gown in order to strut down the aisle and accept their diploma from one of our school board members.

Here's a cost-cutting idea: Graduating seniors should pass their strutting costumes on to members of the next year's class.

What else is to be done with the cap and gown? Not one of these kids is going to use it again, not even at Halloween time. Last year, the graduate in our household gave what we'd paid about 64 bucks for to a student friend who will be strutting down the path this year.

Pictures? We did the same as a lot of other parents I talked with. We showed up for the appointment with the professional photographers and paid for the sitting, but when the proofs came, we didn't place an order. Yup, we made copies of the proofs, even though they had the word "Proof" in a place that couldn't be cropped off.

Times are tough. Money is tight. Why can't school officials come up with some cost-cutting strategies when it comes to graduation?

Too many parents tend to forget they are the ones in charge and can exercise their right of choice. They bow both to the pressure of the official papers sent home by the schools about graduation costs and to their whining children who seem to continually want more than the family budget can accommodate.

So who is going to put a stop to this June madness? For decades, I've been urging parents to stand up against both the school district and their children on a variety of matters - to no avail. For decades, I've been questioning the actions of school districts - to no avail.

I guess there's always a new angle to write about when it comes to parents and schools, but no matter the twist of the story, the plot is always the same when it comes to graduation. Only a few offbeat parents, like me, are willing to have pictures with bold, 28-point letters across the graduate's upper chest spelling out "Proof."

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A YEAR-ROUND COMMITMENT

2010-05-29 12:48:29

Kimberly Felder, a recruiter with the Kinship Center, helps a family believe in the foster care system. Don't get me wrong - my unholy experiences with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services will be with me forever. Normally when I hear foster care, my commentary goes south.

But Felder is with a private agency. From the sounds of things, for those wanting to answer the call of children needing a family, a foster-care agency appears to be the smart route to travel.

Who are the people that step forward to provide care and who are the children they take under the wing?

Too often, the public hears the stories of money grabbers who answer the call but only to fatten their bank accounts with the check that comes with the kid.

All too often we get the stories of kids in the system getting a roof over their heads but no real care and no words of wisdom that help them learn to manage life.

Rhonda Sciortino, author of "From Foster Care to Millionaire," was mainly raised by abusive grandparents - a "kinship care" arrangement - but was also in foster care. She says some words from her foster father helped set her on the path to success.

He told her that we all have a mission in life and that she must not feel sorry for herself but instead set sail - and she did.

I spotted an elementary school student at our foster youth library program last week who seems to be gathering the tools to help launch his search for a mission.

His grandmother, who brought him, says he fell in love with the layout of the Altadena Library, and with his new keychain library card hooked to his backpack, he announced he'd found a new home.

He already had a card from his hometown library and is now contemplating moving on to the main Pasadena one.

"Collecting plastic?" I inquired.

"This is a chance in a lifetime," he remarked.

As he goes through life, this library-card plastic will serve him so much better than credit-card plastic.

The teenager with the eyes rolling, who came to the program with his mother and grandmother, changed from an attitude of "How come I'm here, anyway?" to one of "There's something here that may not be so stupid."

As I calculated the change, there were two things that stood out in moving matters forward. First, the teenager belongs to the youth program at the Pasadena Youth Christian Center. Its director, Dr. Jeff Dorsey, was in attendance. Second, Joe Hopkins, the local attorney, publisher and author, gave the youth in attendance an exercise for writing a book.

Do we have to wait for National Foster Care Month 2011 to support our youth who are in out-of-home placement?

Doesn't look like it. I've heard from several libraries that want to duplicate the program I sponsored locally and have heard from a professor of library science at a state university who is designing a seminar on foster youth and the library.

Focus on foster care should become a year-round commitment for all of us.

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GET 'EM TO THE LIBRARY

2010-05-21 22:02:07

All too often people, old and young, will stay away from all things unfamiliar.

There are a lot of folks from my generation who refuse to have anything to do with a computer or a digital camera.

Why?

Well, I hear lots of reasons from my contemporaries but, in general, all of their conversations tend to support that age-old business of not knowing how to access and work with that which they dismiss.

My friend's teenage foster son in no way resembles the old-timers. His hair is neither grey nor thinning. Instead, his hair is thick, shinny and combed into spikes I think is called a Mohawk.

When I talked to him about his coming to Tuesday's event celebrating National Foster Care Month at the Altadena Library, he shuffled around, didn't look me square in the eye and mumbled several comments about not being into libraries.

His foster mom said she'd thought about "the place" being a good spot for homework, but for as long as the young man had lived at her home she hadn't been able to convince him.

Exactly what does it take to get a young teenager into the library?

Well, I'd like to say going there with the kid and working through the process of acquiring a card, searching the stacks, signing-up for computer time, and examining everything else that's available.

Sounds simple but it ain't.

Just because we've acquired parenting status doesn't mean we've reached familiarity with all things available.

Tuesday's event at the Altadena Library will help get Foster and Kinship caregivers and their charges on the same page. The event will include a brief tour conducted by Cassandra Stearns and Heather Fichow and the children and young adult librarians. They have put together a selection of fiction books for foster youth and a wide range of resources for caregivers to check out. Links to all this information can be found on the library web site at www.altadenalibrary.org.

All libraries in Los Angeles County provide a Foster Youth Library Card program that encompasses special features. Applications will be available at the event for youth and their caregivers and foster parents who are being asked to please bring placement papers for verification.

Los Angeles County Fifth District Supervisor Michael D. Antonovich's Foster Care Deputy, Helen Berberian; Steve Sturm with the Department of Children and Family Services Education Division, and local attorney, Joe Hopkins, will be there as well to deliver brief welcoming remarks.

Pauline Dutton, principal librarian, has developed welcome letters with a focus on programs available to assist students and help them get the best from their use of the facility.

"Uh, the library," my friend's teenager mumbled when it began to look like she'd have him in tow come next Tuesday.

"It ain't happenin. It's a bore," he grumbled.

Life is what you make it, and only those who aren't used to being at the library could share this kid's commentary.

Will they come?

Well, Dutton asked me how many I was expecting. Even with my best guess, all I could answer was, "I haven't the faintest idea."

We're serving refreshments and have a few items to raffle off. We've asked for RSVPs to know how many plastic plates to provide, but . . .

Are you a foster or kinship caregiver? Come to the Altadena Library, 600 East Mariposa St., on Tuesday, 6 p.m., to celebrate National Foster Care Month. Let us know you're coming by calling 626-296-2777 or e-mailing me at: shirlee@talkaboutparenting.org

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DESTINY'S CHILD

2010-05-15 08:59:02

MY brother's friend didn't appreciate the rules he was required to abide by in his family home.

He packed up and my mother took him in. It was a congenial arrangement, as the friend was a longtime neighbor and both mothers knew and respected each other.

Was life any better away from the mom who didn't budge on her house rules and who showed no mercy when enforcing them?

Well, if this friend's feet had been put to the fire and a truthful answer was a life-or-death deal, the young man would have confessed, darn it, that rules prevail in most homes. While my mother had a softer voice and always had a pleasant smile, she was as much a force to reckon with as his own mom had been.

The real difference, it seemed to me, was that the new person in the house had no history, no experience, of how best to get his way with this new mom of his.

While we parents don't like to admit it, our offspring learn the tricks of "working us."

And even though life had been pretty rough with the mother down the block, her kid did know how to get past her on a good number of issues. And the dad in this scenario, who was fond of saying, "You don't know when you've got it good," made sure whatever his wife missed, he caught.

But another case, regarding a youngster who got to his new home by way of a social worker, doesn't have much in common with the story regarding my brother's friend. This little boy had no chance to pack his belongings, nor did he get to pick the place where he was going to lay his head.

The kid didn't get tired of the rules at his home because the parents didn't establish any. Instead they constantly barked out a series of demands that were followed up with severe beatings when their orders weren't followed.

Fortunately, the neighbors on the block understood quite clearly this kid didn't know anything about having things good - that's how the case got reported to the child welfare agency.

The kid with the social worker got placed in a foster home. And then in another foster home. By the time he dropped out of high school, he'd been juggled around enough to determine, wrongly or rightly, that nobody cared about him other than, just maybe, his birth parents. So he went on a search to find them.

My brother's friend missed his very domineering mother because, he said, that's what he was used to. With loving arms, mom welcomed him back after his escape, which lasted about six months. Dad could now be heard saying, " I guess he did know when he had it good."

The kid with the social worker found his birth mother, who cursed him out for showing up at her unkempt home and told him his "no-good daddy" was in prison.

The kid eventually fulfilled his destiny when the man in the black robe proclaimed a sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole.

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WHAT'S THE GOOD OF A PRESIDENTIAL PROCLAMATION?

2010-05-07 23:07:48

"NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim May 2010 as National Foster Care Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor and support young people in foster care, and to recognize the committed adults who work on their behalf each day.

"IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fourth."

It's been pointed out in numerous conversations that I've been privy, to, and it can also be found in some publications that not too many of our presidents have recognized foster care in this manner. Praise for Obama has been a definite part of the conversation. But I've been unable to show great enthusiasm because I've not been able to interpret the message.

Just exactly what does this 'NOW, THEREFORE" verbiage translate into? "Calling upon all Americans," means what Mr. President?

Want to know something? Google it. I wanted a definition - I got Wikipedia.

A presidential proclamation in the United States is "an instrument that states a condition, declares a law and requires obedience, recognizes an event or triggers the implementation of a law (by recognizing that the circumstances in law have been realized).

" In short, presidents "define" situations or conditions on situations that become legal or economic truth. These orders carry the same force of law as executive orders - the difference between the two is that executive orders are aimed at those inside government while proclamations are aimed at those outside government.

The administrative weight of these proclamations is upheld because they are often specifically authorized by congressional statute, making them "delegated unilateral powers." Presidential proclamations are often dismissed as a practical presidential tool for policy making because of the perception of proclamations as largely ceremonial or symbolic in nature. However, the legal weight of presidential proclamations suggests their importance to presidential governance.

I'm going for the piece in this definition that claims "these orders carry the same force of law as executive orders." If memory serves me right, and it does because I checked myself with various Internet sources, President Gerald Ford's 4311 Proclamation granted a pardon to his onetime boss, Richard M. Nixon.

That was heavy stuff. Nixon was let off the hook for the bad Watergate criminal acts he orchestrated. But was this an executive order since it was, as Wikipedia says, inside government? Whichever, it put in place something that was historical and significant.

Now about this National Foster Care Month proclamation that calls upon all of us to do ... what? Oh, something about programs, activities and observations.

The public can do updates on Wikipedia and I'm considering rearranging the sentence that refers to the equal powers, executive orders and proclamations. But maybe not, since my scholarly endeavors don't lead me in the direction of knowing these things.

I do know Nixon got cleared and I do know I'm still looking for the power behind this Obama proclamation.

Maybe the power is coming. Maybe I'm reading things wrong. I do that a lot now that I'm old and some (my kids) say feeble.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. Charter Arroyo Channel 32 in Pasadena, click here Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

NATIONAL FOSTER CARE MONTH

2010-04-30 22:19:38

MAY 2010 is National Foster Care Month. But, then, we had the same designation in 2009 and the same in previous years.

During this month the need for loving and permanent homes gets emphasized and the large numbers of children and youth in out of home placement is spelled out. We're told of the achievements these young wards of the court can make when someone dedicated to maximizing their potential steps to the plate and answers the call to make someone else's kid their very own.

"That's not such an easy thing to do," I've been told. This kind of reasoning is, most times, followed by a variety of statements that seem to try qualifying the depth of hardship encountered when making someone else's kid our own.

While I most certainly understand the headaches encountered in working with the county Department of Children and Family Service's paperwork, overbearing social workers, the Children's court system, problems the foster children have, and having to be involved with their birth parents, these are not the difficulties mentioned in the back-up explanatory conversation regarding "...not such an easy thing to do."

While quiet conversations I've had with people involving my own role as a foster parent have provided honest and oft times soul wrenching testimony to people's inability to spread the love; more importantly it has brought to the forefront a deep-rooted problem with parents in our society.

Too many of us only care about our own. Too many of us don't care that the kids in the back of the classroom can't read as long as our own Julio, John or Jerome, sits up front and masters the assignments.

The gang problem isn't mine because my kid is home at night under my watchful eye - seems to be the position too many parents want to quietly shout.

Bringing someone else's problem kid into their own well or even poorly regulated home environment brings about the hardship. The problem is not with the foster care system but with their own inability to see that not the whole world but just a small piece of it could be in their hands.

Too many good people don't realize the non-reading kid at the back of the classroom, the gang-banger who lives down the street and the foster kid who languished in a group home and then became homeless may well be the kid packing iron whose randomly fired stray bullet wipes out the life of their own kid who had the best of everything.

How do we get well-meaning members of the public to get past this? How do we get well-meaning members of the public to realize they can overcome their own selfish viewpoint that only their kids belong at the top of society's doing-well list?

I need you to tell me.

Shirlee Smith has served on the Los Angeles County Commission for Children and Families and the Los Angeles County Adoption Commission. She was awarded the Congressional Angel in Adoption Award. She has been the foster parent for 12 newborns and for 19 years has been the foster parent/legal guardian for 19 year-old Brandi who is a student at Pasadena City College.

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WHO IN THE WORLD IS SHIRLEE SMITH?

2010-04-24 00:01:54

I received an e-mail that said the writer was shocked to find I was a "local" person. This, he said, became clear to him only when I mentioned taking part in a local election.

Never thought I was a mystery woman or that where I hang my hat wasn't clear.

Fortunately, my photo appears here on the web site, or might I even be mistaken for someone of a different ethnicity?

Does where I live or where I come from really matter? Is my racial background of any matter to the public?

Another e-mail from a regular correspondent thinks my ethnicity is so important that he suggested I remove my picture from everything.about me. The writer believes that "too many people don't get a chance to find out what you have to say because they see a picture of a black woman."

I live in Altadena on the west side of town, where I've been since 1974. I came to this end of Los Angeles County in 1965 and lived in Pasadena until I moved to UCLA Married Student Housing in 1969.

I came to the San Gabriel Valley from Boyle Heights where my parents grew up and where they raised their four children.

My paternal grandmother owned a home on a street that was a hill near First Street and Evergreen Avenue.

My biggest wish while attending Roosevelt High School was that I could live in the projects because Aliso Village and Pico Gardens had some of the coolest black kids I had ever met.

My wish sorta came true when my mother, who didn't like living with her mother-in-law, applied for city housing. She was approved, but to my dismay, we moved to Basilone Homes in the San Fernando Valley.

My father wasn't about to be housed in converted army barracks, which the Valley projects were. I came to realize that, unlike me, he understood the stigma attached to living in the projects.

Why this background disclosure? Maybe because another reader e-mailed asking exactly who do I think I am writing "the way you do?"

From Boyle Heights to Pasadena to UCLA to Altadena and from Basilone Homes - and I forgot to mention the USC neighborhood of my childhood - I've had the opportunity to digest quite a spoonful of "people flavor" and that's, in part, who I am.

I count among my friends some who have served time in the big house and also some of those who sit on the bench wearing black robes and pronouncing prison sentences.

Among my life-learning lessons were the undergraduate and graduate years at UCLA and 15 years on welfare as a single parent of a whole bunch of kids.

"Who do I think I am?" I never really think about it, so it's really left on the readers' shoulders to arrive at their own conclusion.

With or without a photo, there's no mistaking my writing is from a viewpoint that clearly comes from my ethnicity.

While I enjoy hearing from readers and answer all correspondence, I don't often devote my writing to telling about Shirlee - maybe once every decade.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting LIVE with Shirlee Smith. Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. Charter Arroyo Channel 32 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

DON'T JUDGE UNTIL YOU'VE WALKED IN HER SHOES

2010-04-16 21:39:33

Failed adoptions are common occurrences all across America. But thanks to nurse Tory Hansen, the public has come to know the horrors that face far too many people who simply step forward wanting to do the right thing by providing an orphaned child love, care, a home and a family.

Newspaper headlines and television commentators have been grabbing the public's heartstrings with inflammatory words describing Hansen's returning her 7-year-old adopted son to Russia, his country of origin.

The return of the boy has been described as heartbreaking and horrific. We've heard how he was unwanted and rejected by Hansen and sent unaccompanied on an international flight from America to Russia.

Indignant Russian authorities claim she "broke all procedures." They stand by their adoption procedures and in answer to Hansen's claim that the child is "mentally unstable" and these problems were not disclosed to her during the adoption process, officials say the boy's only disability is that of being flat-footed.

Russians do admit a slight bit of stubbornness, but they claim this is "not a problem for loving parents."

Let me have a quiet word with those who've been suckered in by the reporting of this story and by the castigation of Hansen for doing what adoptive and foster parents in this country do on a daily basis.

I suppose the difference is American kids don't take a long flight alone and their returns don't garner national attention.

But what would drive well-intentioned adoptive parents to turn kids back to the agencies they worked with to acquire them in the first place?

What nonsense the Russians utter when they want us to believe the boy's only disability is that of being flat-footed.

Some years ago, I chaired the Los Angeles County Adoption Commission and learned that department workers gave the same kind of glowing reports regarding the children in our system.

As a foster parent, I only accepted newborns, because I could ask the hospital where I picked up the infants for summary discharge papers and learn a little something about the medical condition.

Otherwise, for older children, "confidentiality" restricts any exchange of vital medical and psychological information.

Do I know what I'm talking about?

I became guardian of the foster child I had cared for since she was a newborn when she was to be adopted, at the age of 3, by a well-meaning single parent.

As a foster parent, I was not allowed to discuss her. The department, wanting to boost its numbers, certainly wasn't talking. Fortunately for Brandi, her attorney stepped in to urge me to apply for guardianship. As he and I both knew, that saved her from being returned to the system once the adoptive mom learned the true medical and psychological issues she had on her hands and was unprepared to handle.

For those who haven't walked in Tory Hansen's shoes, it might be a good idea not to follow the media mania and cast stones. It might be a good idea to not think of her as a woman who couldn't handle responsibility but instead to think about her as a woman having no idea what her responsibility was going to be.

I'm thinking she is a worn-down woman desperate to maintain her own sanity.

I've been there and fortunately I have been blessed enough to have avoided desperate measures.

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MY MOTHER IS NOT COMING BACK

2010-04-10 14:53:03

I once belonged to the AARP. I think most seniors find them to be an organization worth joining. Then there's the League of Women Voters. Yes, as so many civic-minded individuals do, I joined their ranks even though my membership was a hefty $75 a year. Unfortunately, a tight budget dictated I not keep my place on the roll-call sheet.

And back when my oldest kid first went to kindergarten, I was even a member of the Malabar Street School PTA.

These are highly respected organizations, so when they tell the public something is A-OK we tend to take `em at their word. But, hold on, not so fast this time around.

My mother passed away many years ago, or she would be agonizing in her room at Altadena's Scripps Home and not going to breakfast because, according to her, the seniors at her table in the dining room would be casting accusatory glances that said, "That daughter of yours is at it again.

"Why must you write the things you write?" my mother used to ask, though I sensed an odd sense of pride hidden in the reprimand.

My mother would be voting Yes on Measure CC, the parcel tax for the schools in Altadena, Pasadena and Sierra Madre, because she loved children, education, AARP and the LWV. She never talked much about the PTA.

The ballots are soon to be in our mailbox. A Yes vote is clear. If you own property, you'll pay an extra $120 per year to go to the local schools. Some might think they are casting a No vote if they just toss the ballot into the trash can. But that will not count as a No - has to be marked and mailed in.

My mother believed in a few questionable causes during her lifetime. There was the handsome young man at the bus stop who tried to convince her to go with him to her bank. Of course he was credible, she asserted; he was wearing a white shirt, tie and very nice business suit.

Mom wouldn't hear me when I said she was fortunate to not have taken his ride, as it was a scam. She accused me of trusting no one and it wasn't until an officer from the Pasadena Police Department's Crime Resistance Involvement Council came to our home and provided the info that she was willing to accept the truth.

But what about trusting this Measure CC scam because the endorsers have been believable and trustworthy in the past?

In life, we should all take the responsibility of asking questions and not just taking the word of well-dressed, handsome young men.

Here's one for the endorsers: Why did the drafters of this measure cause money to be spent on a separate mail-in election when they could have placed it on the June ballot?

Here's another: Which low-income seniors are eligible for the so-called exemption and what is the measure of their poverty status if the parcel tax passes, costing property owners $120 for the next five years?

If my mother were still with us, she'd stand tall, be politically correct, not ask questions and vote Yes on this foolish measure and not being a homeowner it wouldn't even matter to her tight budget because she wouldn't be paying.

Mom's not coming back, but the young man is still waiting at the bus stop and he's happy to find you. This time around he's wearing an AARP, LWV or PTA lapel pin.

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PHOEBE PRINCE WAS BULLIED TO DEATH

2010-04-03 08:01:36

IN January, 15-year-old Phoebe Prince hung herself in the stairwell of her family home. To compound the tragedy, she was discovered by her younger sister.

Phoebe was constantly made fun of by a group of nine other teenagers at the Massachusetts high school where she enrolled after coming to America from Ireland. The student bullies have now been arrested in connection with Phoebe's death.

How many times have we heard a parent claim, "I know my kid, and he (or she) wouldn't do something like that?"

How many times have we watched wretched little kids grow into monster big kids with the parents still covering for their misdeeds with some foolish statement such as "Boys will be boys" or "The other girls are just saying those things because my Beth is so popular."

Do we really believe parents don't know the truth about their offspring? Now, I'm the first to admit there will be some surprises along the way, but we still ought to know just what we're housing in the bedroom down the hallway.

I know kids are both clever and manipulative, so their true misdeeds are sometime hard to uncover, but as parents, our job description includes being inspector, detective, interrogator and captain of the precinct.

It is heartbreaking to think of Phoebe taking her life because of mental anguish inflicted upon her by kids and her seeing no way out. I can't imagine the mental anguish her parents have gone through in wondering how they could have prevented their child's death.

Are the families of the nine students blamed for the girl's death who are now facing serious criminal charges finally awake and realizing there is so much more to raising kids then claiming they do no wrong?

In California, there is a law against bullying, which, I suspect, most parents don't know is on the books until their kid is charged with the crime.

Massachusetts has no such legislation - but would it have mattered?

We need to get to know our kids and get our kids to know what we, as the parent, won't tolerate.

Come to think of it, some of our current-day bullies have the run of the house, and there are lots of reports of the kids bullying the parents, too.

Seems just about everyone is asking what could have prevented Phoebe from hanging herself. Some are answering that the school administration should have done something. They should have.

What can be done to prevent this wave of teen suicides across America?

Haul in the parents of the bullies, because they bear the responsibility for their children's deeds past and present.

The little kids who were never held accountable have grown into bigger kids and now, fortunately, aren't being allowed to get away with murder.

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THROWING GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD

2010-03-27 13:27:51

THAT tussle over the parcel tax for schools I wrote about last week has fallen into name-calling on a similar but much smaller scale as the health-care reform stuff unfolding against the politicians.

Seems if you oppose this tax, as I do, you get called not-so-nice names, as I have. Thus far, I've earned Ms. Anti-Education and Anti-Deserving Children.

No ethnic slurs, but a few references to "my kids on reduced lunches."

I'm allowed to say "no" on Measure CC for the Pasadena-area schools. But the snobs who put this tax deal together seem to have forgotten that we live in a democracy and that we get to think for ourselves. Just because some of us don't choose to share in the ride on the school district's gravy train should not mean we don't count.

Why snobs? Because their leader makes `em look that way.

George Brumder, chair of Citizens for Quality Schools, the campaign for the PUSD parcel tax, Measure CC, has written the following: "An impressive array of respected organizations and individuals (support) Measure CC." He then lists them and goes on to say, "Not one credible organization or leader in our community opposes Measure CC."

Since Brumder didn't define leader in the community, I do not take personal offense, as I never defined myself as such and have always questioned the title others have given to both individuals and organizations that dwell on my side of the town.

Among the stack of "love mail" I've received, there are those who proclaim they are now removing me from the list of respected community leaders.

But Brumder and others, in their snobbery, have forgotten that democracy lets everyone have a vote whether they are respectable or not and whether or not they are leaders. One man/woman, one vote still prevails; one person's opinion is as valid as another's.

While I've now been branded anti-education and anti-children, I'm noticing none of my correspondents are calling me fiscally irresponsible. I believe in watching what people do with money. It's an important indicator as to what they will do when they get some more of the green stuff.

In my ongoing work with parents, I advise them all that no matter how tight their family budget is, they should give their children an allowance, no matter how small it has to be. Some kids will blow the entire amount and others will be conservative, making good use of what they've got.

When young Mr./Ms Conservative has carefully created a budget (with parent's assistance for all the kids) and not only stuck to it but is able to show where the money went, and what lessons might have been learned, this offspring of ours is ready for an increase, if at all possible.

Well, I hate to put the folks down at PUSD in the same category as the kids, but according to my philosophy, when it comes to money, that's pretty much where they belong.

PUSD hasn't behaved well with the allowance we taxpayers have provided them over the years, and as good responsible parents and taxpayers, we should not be rewarding them with the opportunity to continue spending in the manner we know is not in the best interest of our children, who they are supposed to be budgeting for.

It's called throwing good money after bad. Labeling and name-calling isn't making our political parties look very good, and I don't think that, here at home, it's going to help this Measure CC campaign, either.

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Thursday, April 1, Topic: Parcel Tax and Altadena School

WIN OR LOSE,VOTING AGAINST SCHOOL TAX

2010-03-21 00:01:22

IF you aren't registered, you can't vote. Some folks will rub their forehead in a weary gesture and want to know, "What now?"

What I'm talking about might only make sense if you live in Altadena, Pasadena or Sierra Madre. But if you're interested in schools, you've heard of new efforts in your district and mine to tax us more for them. The vote I'm talking about is one you'll be asked to make soon, no matter where you live in California.

To continue: If you've moved since the last time you placed a mark on the ballot, yup, you need to register. Your vote counts.

Now, when you don't vote, those who understand their civic responsibility and who keep up with the issues will, indeed, vote, thus making the choice for you. In other words, their choice becomes your choice.

And now, the Pasadena Unified School District, my favorite rip-off artist, wants your "yes" vote in favor of a parcel tax on a mail-in ballot with a May 4 deadline.

The tax would apply to 59,000 property owners in Pasadena, Altadena, and Sierra Madre, and is expected to pull in more than $7 million a year for the next five years.

Thanks to state cuts, our school district is said to be on the path of eliminating teacher positions, losing Advanced Placement classes and shutting down extracurricular activities without this voter bailout.

As a taxpayer and property owner in Altadena, I'm not willing to give these bureaucrats who make up the administration down on Hudson Avenue the parcel tax cost of $120 a year to continue their programs that don't educate all students.

It's unfortunate that teachers will lose jobs. But it's equally unfortunate that so many teachers have not been doing their job.

Advanced Placement classes shutting down is also unfortunate. But too many folks from my side of town never knew such amenities existed.

I'm not willing to vote for Measure CC to keep extracurricular activities in place. I'm not willing to give the folks down on Hudson the opportunity to get a hold of my $120 for five years for many reasons.

One of those is because the folks on Hudson aren't trustworthy. They tell the public one thing, when the truth is so often something else.

In the case of this request for our hard-earned money, according to PUSD Chief Finance Officer John Pappalardo, this tax won't even come close to meeting the budget gap. "Until you get into the $300-plus range on the tax, we will be way short of what we need," Pappalardo said in a recent news article.

Since it isn't enough, when and how will they come back for more? And why are we being asked to supply a bandage when cancer is the problem? Probably a really simple answer like the property owners would go for the smaller amount but balk at what Pappalardo seems to think is needed.

Many of the good and committed people of this district have joined together to fight for this tax believing, I suppose, that the district does a good job and can be trusted. Equally as important, good people don't want to see teachers in the unemployment line.

The chances that I'll be out-voted are high, because those who support the measure are those people who mark their ballots every time there is an election.

But with this May 4 mail-in, those folks who rub their forehead and ask "What now?" will be, by the time they wake up, too late to join me in voting "no" on Measure CC.

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WHO IS TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE?

2010-03-13 20:55:09

WITH Easter Sunday only a few weeks away, many families are planning to bring Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail to their front door. Maybe they shouldn't.

There's a lot to learn about your offspring by the way they treat their pets. My daughter No. 3, no names to be mentioned, did a lot of screaming at her innocent little guinea pig when it was time to clean the cage. She blamed the animal for the mess and the time required to set things right.

"I hate you," she was always heard screaming on Saturdays at cage cleaning time. Did she really hate the creature or was what we heard an expression of what responsibility really meant to her?

The guinea pig was cute in the pet store and probably still pretty much okay for the first few weeks at our house when she'd take him out of the cage for play time.

My son had a German Shepherd that he spent many years bonding with. When we moved from a house to an apartment that didn't allow pets, a family friend kept the dog at her place.

Even with rain pouring, like it has in the last several weeks, Mr. Son weathered storms and rode his bicycle - daily - to feed his dog, Tip.

Then there was the daughter with the parakeets. Never a grumble but always some publication checked out from the library that she read to learn more about what it was she was in charge of and what was expected of the caretaker.

Pet stories and the lessons learned have a peculiar way of circulating amongst parents and they aren't expected to be retold in newspaper columns using real names.

One such story is about a young lady, who like my daughter, didn't believe her guinea pig really required care. The mom, who was my friend, got pretty darn tired of the constant reminders so she plain ol' stopped the nagging.

That meant the pet just didn't get any seeing to until Ms. Daughter had company one day and proceeded with a show and tell and finally went to the laundry room where the cage was kept.

But there wasn't anything to tell because, due to neglect, the guinea pig had passed away and what was there to be shown wasn't a very pleasant sight.

Easter Bunnies, formally known as rabbits, are reported to have a much more tragic life than the stories I'm telling. According to news reports, these creatures wind up in pounds and shelters and are abandoned in fields and on the street.

Maybe only some kids should have pets. But how would we know which ones? Or maybe pets are supposed to be one more thing parents are responsible for.

Yes, parents have a responsibility, here, but it starts long before the pet comes through the door. Kids have to be taught the responsibility they're getting into and if they can't handle it, they don't bring the creature home.

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IN A SPLIT SECOND JULIA WAS GONE

2010-03-06 20:47:03

IN upscale Brentwood, Harvard-Westlake Middle School student Julia Siegler, 13, died after being struck by two cars while in the street against the red light to catch her school bus.

In a split second, going against what we parents pound into our kids' heads from the time they are old enough to know their colors - red means stop, green means go - Julia was gone.

What a tragedy: Julia's full life never realized; Julia's classmates on the bus traumatized; Julia's mother, having walked her daughter to the bus, witnessing from the corner of that intersection what no parent is prepared to handle; the drivers of the two cars wondering if they could have prevented the young girl's death.

Early in the investigation the accident was thought to be a hit-and-run. But both drivers did stop and later that evening, when the news kept announcing hit-and-run, they went to police headquarters and were not held.

How many parents have been spared this pain, simply, I suppose, because our kid's number wasn't on the call-in sheet just yet?

A lot of us have watched our offspring dash from across the street to our own car when we're at the school or elsewhere to pick them up.

How many times, when driving down the street, have we made the brakes screech when some spry young body darts from out of nowhere right in front of our vehicle?

Yup, while stopped there in the middle of the street, I've put the window down and shouted gross obscenities at the errant youngster who had no regard for life, theirs or mine.

Not a pleasant thought to think of a body that wasn't quick enough or driver reaction that was possibly too slow.

The teenage driver of the car that actually ran over Julia was heard to say, according to a witness at the scene, "It's all my fault!"

Yes, some folks are blaming the drivers, claiming that pedestrians always have the right of way.

Others, while reluctant to say so in front of too many people, blame Julia for putting herself in harm's way. And still others raise the question of why the mother didn't stop Julia.

But neither blame or questions should be part of this scenario, because we all know that but for the grace of God it could have been our very own kid making a deadly decision.

When I discussed this tragedy with my own teenager while reminding her of my constant lectures about her own Jaywalking behavior, she confessed that she had mended her ways due to almost being struck by a car while dashing across Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena to catch an MTA bus.

Have you had the jaywalking discussion lately with your kids? I mean yesterday, or today, and don't forget about tomorrow? Don't be squeamish. Your kids need to know of Julia Siegler, and of all who are left behind to mourn.

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ANGELA DAVIS, MOST-WANTED ONCE AGAIN

2010-02-27 19:07:50

ANGELA who?" asked the high school kid at the library checkout counter. I guess he gets excused because of his age.

Angela Davis is a name just about everyone who was around in the '60s knows better than to equate with a question of "who?"

Love or hate her, support her positions or want to crucify her, we knew who Angela Davis was. If you didn't, once someone said "the militant woman professor with the foot high natural hairdo," it clicked.

I hadn't heard her name in years. And then my friend Barbara Chamberlain Lewis sent me a flier about how this woman, who had once been on the FBI's most-wanted list, was speaking in Watts. So I dug up the 20 bucks to pay for tickets for Brandi and me and then searched high and low for my tattered Angela Davis T-shirt.

What might Angela have to say these days? Brandi, I suspect, was expecting an historical perspective of the turbulent `60s, about how Davis made it onto the same list that John Dillinger, Al Capone and other notorious gunslingers and gangsters once occupied.

No such treat.

From the size of the crowd of at least 1,500 people, it was clear that many came to pay homage to a brilliant woman who fought the fight and campaigns for social justice. There were grandparents, parents, college students, former hippies now wearing business suits and former hippies who were still being hippies.

Brandi wasn't the only post-Angela Davis era person in Phoenix Hall - there were toddlers, babies in arms, and young teenagers.

There were no sags, too-short skirts or too-tight tops. There was no big media on site to report on this orderly assembly of folks who gave a standing ovation when Professor Davis, now teaching at the University of California, Santa Cruz was introduced and who received many more standing ovations during her 90-minute presentation.

What did Angela Davis talk about? Being an activist, educator and philosopher, she sought to educate her audience on the brutality of the American prison system, particularly in respect to women.

She discussed her travels throughout the world in a quest for prison reform. She had a lot to say about a capitalist society being a system that breeds inequality.

Angela Davis is a part of our history and was a perfect experience for my household to close out this month of celebration. While we talk about honoring our history all year long, funny how we generally can know we'll find speakers like Angela Davis on the circuit during February.

Brandi? Ecstatic that she got to witness some of what she's heard about all of her growing years.

My T-shirt? Well, I got to purchase a new one for only five bucks. And you probably can't buy an Angela T-shirt on the corner during July. Well, you can never buy one on the corner in Pasadena - maybe they have `em in Watts all the time.

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WHITE FOLKS SOUND OFF

2010-02-21 11:06:21

Ah, if there were only ratings in this business of delivering one's opinion. With last week's opinion piece, "When white america picks `orphans,"' I'd have blasted Leno, Oprah and Letterman right off the charts.

I'm still answering some of the e-mails, and by now, close to the 50 mark, my response is pretty standard, because the comments fall pretty much into the same categories. There's nothing new rolling in.

Seldom do I even consider getting into the follow-up piece. It just isn't the thing to do. However, this time it's a must.

From the responses I've received regarding my opinion on the missionaries and the alleged Haitian orphans, I clearly hit a nerve.

One thing it shows is that the racial divide is alive, well and nowadays making itself known by the whistling of "Dixie" with a different beat.

There were those pieces of correspondence accusing me of making a racial issue out of a matter void of race: "Why not just stick to the facts, Ms. Smith?"

The missionaries who were attempting to take the Haitian children out of the country were white - fact. The children were "of darker hue" - fact.

There are war orphans in Afghanistan and Iran. Perhaps news teams have simply neglected to report on missionary misdeeds in those countries.

In 2003 an earthquake in Iran killed 30,000 people and left about 5,000 orphans. No missionary misdeeds reported that I have on file.

The pile of correspondence I've received labeled Bitter/Angry/Excess Baggage is all about my mother being a domestic: "Also, the hateful way you come down on the Whitneys. And let's not forget the expensive gifts they provided, and why didn't your mother just say no?"

Today's follow-up isn't about defending my position, but shedding a little more light on the categories is most certainly needed.

"Like One of the Family" by Alice Childress is a must read for a clear understanding of the relationship between domestic servants and their employers. The title says it all. These white folk, the Whitneys and others, tended to view those of us in their household employment as their possessions.

My mother, said one writer, was probably a lovely person. Bernice Smiley was indeed just that, and while living her last days at Scripps Home in Altadena, told me on the days my column ran in the newspaper that she would not go down for breakfast.

There are the e-mails from faithful readers I've been hearing from for years that say, "I've written you before and told you that I really liked your articles. You do make a lot of sense on most subjects. But I was really disappointed with the last one."

It's good to hang with me when I'm commenting on misbehaving children - just so long as I'm not hitting on white America.

Finally, there are the e-mails from a special group who can't understand why this hateful writer and her people aren't satisfied with life now that they've got Obama in the White House.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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WHEN WHITE AMERICA PICKS 'ORPHANS'

2010-02-14 00:41:13

SHOULD we give our kids away because the life we're able to provide isn't good enough for them? Is this the answer for Haitian parents?

Who is so callous and self-centered they can say that what they offer exceeds all bonds that are created between parent and child - even if it's in the name of Jesus?

While we have never, thank God, Allah, Buddha or whomever we might worship, walked even a step in the shoes of Haiti's parents either before or after this disastrous and mind-boggling earthquake - who are we to judge?

The expression "quiet as it's kept" might apply here, but too many people are quick and loud in talking about, not the desperate parents, but the opportunistic 10 American Baptist missionaries from Idaho, led by Laura Silsby, all arrested and charged with attempted kidnapping after being nabbed at the Dominican Republic border sneaking 33 so-called orphans out of Haiti.

While some folks are still speculating as to the intent of those arrested, news reports from the island all substantiate the fact that not only were these missionaries without official paperwork for the children - they had been warned of the illegality of their actions.

One policeman says that prior to taking the 33 children who were placed on a bus and driven to the border, these do-gooders from the potato state had rounded up another bunch of kids, given them candy, stuffed toys and promises to the parents that their children would have a life void of poverty.

The policeman says he took those kids off the bus. When the children were herded from the bus, he says the Idaho folk took back the toys.

There's just something about some white people who think their lifestyle, Christian or otherwise, supercedes whatever we folk of darker hue have or don't have going for us.

My mother was a domestic for the Whitney family, who lived in the San Fernando Valley on Dixie Canyon Boulevard. She was always asked to come on Thanksgiving and Christmas to, with my grandmother, prepare and serve the family's dinner.

Extra pay, of course. Expensive Christmas presents were given to her children left behind to have Christmas alone until late in the evening when she returned home with the leftovers that we had for dinner.

The Whitneys never thought, even once, that we'd rather have our mother at home with us on Christmas and Thanksgiving instead. But when we got old enough and bold enough to voice our feelings and mom told the white folks "sorry," the Whitneys were extremely indignant.

These people weren't missionaries. They just had the same mindset as the group from Idaho, which is that whatever white America has to offer comes ahead of the child's birth condition - that which belongs to the family.

Would I give my child up for a better life without me? Again, that's not the question.

Instead, let's ask: Who should dare to offer me the choice?

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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BLACK HISTORY FOR A MONTH?

2010-02-06 21:14:52

IT'S here.

Like just about everything else celebratory, it comes every year. But for African-American - or Black - History Month, this hasn't been the case for long. It has been with us since 1926, but back when Carter G. Woodson founded it, the time for acknowledgement and recognition was only a week.

Should we count the expansion as progress?

Still, there are always the same questions: Shouldn't black history simply be part of American history? What's with giving us the shortest month of the year? This one-month recognition of African Americans' contributions to this country raises the old issue of the separate but equal legal doctrine that justified systems of segregation.

Among those who think that a month is progress, many are willing to admit it's all still an after-thought. I also suspect they're ready to say, "OK, the history books neglected to include the real story, but as a people, black and white and others, we've got to accept the omission and move on."

Easier said than done.

No number of parades, award dinners, oratorical contests or other alleged consciousness-raising festivities will bring meaningful light to what's been omitted. Steps in the right direction? That depends on which of the bands you're cheering for in the local parade.

I remember sitting in my 10th-grade U.S. history class and reading the two paragraphs about slaves picking cotton while happily singing hymns. Should I want to identify with this group of people when I was anything but happy when asked, not forced, to clean my own bedroom?

Did I wonder if there was more to the story? Of course not. I was too enthralled with the beauty of the antebellum Southern women, white women, with beautiful hair, beautiful clothes and foolish people, who looked like me, seeing to their needs.

Am I dwelling in the past? Is this recollection just what the progress group seemed to think should be left behind? I eventually learned that everything one reads ain't true. But I was way grown and a student at UCLA in a black studies course with John Hope Franklin's "From Slavery to Freedom" as one of the assigned textbooks.

Ah - so slaves were not happy. Yes, they were singing hymns, but hymns whose words had a runaway message such as, "Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home ..."

Do I celebrate my heritage during the month of February? I celebrate who my people are every day. I have worked to help my children understand the true American landscape. I've worked to overcome the words my mother spoke when I asked why she had never told her children of the Negro's struggles in this country.

My mother answered me by saying; "We moved here from the South and didn't want to burden our children with what we knew and had experienced. We came to a different place - we thought."

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WAS BARACK OBAMA TALKING TO PARENTS?

2010-01-30 23:32:32

PRESIDENT Barack Obama's State of the Union address was longer, I hear, than any other from a United States president in our nation's history. In that lengthy speech from Wednesday night, the man dispensed a bit of parental advice among his many words detailing where the country is and where it should be going.

While his words on education didn't really call us rulers of the household clan by name, but whenever I hear education reform mentioned it includes parents without so much as saying so.

Advice? I think so.

But Obama phrased it differently - "reform" was the word he used. But can there really be educational reform "that raises student achievement, inspires students to excel in math and science," without putting parents on notice?

That's what I see as advice.

OK, the pundits in their ongoing analysis of what the president said don't quite see things my way as they were too busy reporting on how the focus groups perceived the speech, and how many Republicans in the chamber slept, didn't applaud or jump to their feet like the Democrats did.

I'm not surprised. When has my viewpoint been mainstream? When's the last time I saw things the same way as those who are paid handsomely to shape public opinion?

How are we going to, as Obama proclaimed, "turn around failing schools that steal the future of too many young Americans, from rural communities to inner cities?" While President Obama spoke emphatically about higher education, students cannot get there without a concrete foundation and that begins at home.

Parents you've been advised. Are you listening?

What must we think the man in the White House was talking about when he said: "In the 21st century, one of the best anti-poverty programs is a world-class education. In this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than their potential."

Reform can be seen as the answer and the word, but I'm going to claim that like charity beginning at home, recognizing a child's potential begins in the same place.

It was advice to parents but it was couched in the words, " ... the best anti-poverty program is a world-class education." I took that to mean stop letting the lack of money and where one lives be the excuse for parents not making sure their kids have a good education.

Maybe I was reading into the State of the Union address something the president had said when he was on the campaign trail in Beaumont, TX. "It's not good enough for you to say to your child, `Do good in school,' and then when that child comes home, you got the TV set on, you got the radio on, you don't check their homework, there is not a book in the house, you've got the video game playing."

OK. OK. I give! I'll call it parents being advised to reform.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. Charter Arroyo Channel 32 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the Arroyo Logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

HAITI SHOULD HELP US TEACH OUR CHILDREN

2010-01-23 22:32:42

AS a kid growing up during World War II, I didn't understand my mother's constant commentary about the hungry children in Europe. Fact is, I didn't really understand anything about Europe and the battles being waged there. And hungry children were as foreign, to me, as the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

My sister and I both thought we were clever when we suggested our crust of bread we were leaving on our plate be boxed and mailed overseas.

Back in 1943, there were no television crews continually sending images of bombed cities, crumbling buildings or starving children. As I saw it, starving children was just a mechanism my mother thought might work to help us see how God had smiled on our household by providing food.

We said the same blessing before every meal: "Lord, we thank you for this food, in Jesus' name, amen." And every adult at the table - paternal grandmother, father and mother - didn't let us leave the table without our plates being clean.

Were my mother's children thankful for their food? Did they care about the children in Europe?

Are today's young people having it easier when it comes to understanding the plight of hungry children in Haiti? Why not? After all, they've got constant news coverage of the earthquake disaster.

Are today's young people feeling the pain of the injured and orphaned wandering the streets without anyone to provide care?

As parents, we have a responsibility to help our children begin to understand what they're seeing and hearing on television. We need to emphasize how the whining we hear from them in no way measures up to the plight of the children in Haiti.

While American parents are battling with funky teenage sons to take a shower, teenage boys in Haiti haven't had one in over a week and showers are probably not in the works anytime soon.

While American daughters can't wear their purple sweater because they don't have any shoes to match, Haitian daughters wear what's on their back because that's all they've got.

Now is the time, if ever there was one, for all of us to realize how truly blessed we are. If we look at this continuous news coverage for more than the images and the on-the-spot reporting, there are plenty of important life lessons coming at us across the air waves.

We will dig into our pockets and encourage our children to shake some coins from their piggybanks to send a family donation, large or small, to one of many Haiti relief funds and then say to ourselves, "We've done our part."

Maybe we've been given a unique opportunity to correct the indulgences we've ushered in as a way of life - no matter high income or low income. Is this tragedy a wake-up call for the rest of us?

How many parents will take to heart what nonsense it is for their daughter to want more shoes, when the kids in Haiti are losing their feet?

How to raise grateful American children who understand they are blessed? I don't believe, even though our children have visual images of the suffering, that the lesson is going to be learned any better than what my mother's speech about the children in Europe accomplished.

My sister and I thought making a donation of bread crust was a smart retort. I suspect today's children will think pretty much the same.

If only there were the opportunities to round up our nation's ungrateful young'uns and airlift them to Haiti and for each one we drop, we bring back a Haitian youngster. Don't suggest what I wouldn't be willing to do myself? You're right! But my 18-year-old would be the first kid on the American helicopter.

SHIRLEE IS THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER:HAVE WE ARRIVED?

2010-01-17 07:53:52

I'M not too sure that the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday on Monday will help the public see the light. While it is the only national holiday honoring an African American, "Uh, who?" comes the quick response from our black, white and brown young people. Give `em a long stare mention Martin's name and then the response becomes, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that guy."

To be fair about the matter, a mention of Presidents Day, celebrating Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, would probably draw pretty much of the same commentary.

I did a Jay Leno "Man on the Street" kind of survey the other day at a McDonald's where high school kids were stopping in on their way home from school. Surprisingly, there was some amount of knowledge expressed when I asked why no school on Monday.

"King had a dream. No, a speech about a dream," followed by chuckles.

"We're honoring whatever he did a long time ago."

"How much time do you have, `cause I can tell you?"

Does it really matter that the nation is honoring an African American? Who do my people think they are that this day should be for one of them? This holiday is for everyone. Trouble is too many of my people don't know who they are and when it comes to Martin Luther King Jr. - not the man but his deeds - we can more quickly talk about and identify with Kobe Bryant and Beyonce.

Sports and entertainment have for years, now, replaced the quest for equality and civil rights that King and so many others fought for. Black folk have arrived. We've won the battle. Racism doesn't exist. Opportunity is ours. The dream, whatever it was, has become a reality. Whatever reason should anyone harp on the past and dig up what used to be?

Black folks have arrived. We've got a black family in the White House. We lined up at the polls, marked our ballots when the sun was just coming up. We cheered and celebrated when the results came that night in November of 2008. Millions of black folk braved the cold to see for themselves America's first black president's inauguration.

Down the freeway in Los Angeles on Monday there will be a parade on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard sponsored, in part, by the Congress of Racial Equality.

In Pasadena, at Jackie Robinson Park on North Fair Oaks Avenue, is an event sponsored by the Martin Luther King Community Coalition, with student essay contest winners, speeches and church choirs.

Celebrations are going on everywhere and they are not happening because King's fight has been won or because black folk have arrived. Instead they are happening to provide opportunities to renew the commitment, to renew the struggle and to assess the gains.

"Making The Dream A Reality" is the theme at the Jackie Robinson Park event and as the keynote speaker, I don't plan to pull any punches when it comes to helping those in attendance recognize Barack Obama in the White House is not a case of the referee counting to 10 and signaling that black folk have scored a knock out.

This event begins at 8:30 a.m. with breakfast and a film. Program begins at 10 a.m. See you there.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE MR CORTINES

2010-01-09 19:36:13

     RAMON Cortines, school superintendent of that gigantic educational system somewhere down the Pasadena Freeway, was on the airwaves Thursday spouting a message that I suspect not too many of those in charge of teaching kids wanted to hear. It wasn't that his message was controversial and, then again, maybe it was since he laid out a plan in which everyone had to work.

Parents as first teachers means some work going on in the home. Those who guide the classroom, he said, need to recognize, accept and put into practice new attitudes toward students who come from different home environments, backgrounds and cultures. School environment thrives best with a team approach; an adversarial approach misses the respect all participants are due.

I get letters, letters and more letters from readers who are teachers, moaning and groaning about student behavior, hostile parents and administrators who do not support the letter writer's classroom attempts to hold students accountable for unacceptable behavior.

In fact, in kicking off my television show Thursday night with Cortines as guest, I read excerpts from a recent correspondence in which the teacher complained of children with the absolute inability to focus. Well, that's not her phrase, but she detailed constant trips to the bathroom, scratching of sores until they bled, touching other students, crawling on the floor and more. In the final paragraph, administrators at her school, she said, never provided her with support when students were sent to the office.

While the Los Angeles Unified superintendent didn't address this teacher's classroom dilemma directly, throughout our 60-minute conversation he was clear about "the office" being an integral part of the learning team.

School personnel acquiring new attitudes? Training is required. Parents understanding their role as first teachers will require as much guidance as school personnel.

While there wasn't time for me to read a second letter from a teacher, the issues highlighted in the first letter written by a high school teacher had taken on a new form as evidenced by the letter's details.

     Can the hopelessness evident in the correspondence I receive and that I hear in most conversations about our schools be overcome? Cortines answered yes! He says he sees hope in the eyes of students when he visits schools.   I visit schools and I see chaos.

     I'm, and Mr. Man said I could, going to tag along with him for some visits as I'm one of the first who needs a few lessons in attitude adjustment about our schools. When he was superintendent here in Pasadena, Cortines' driver dropped him at my home unexpectedly one early morning to tag along with my daughter, Pia, on the bus ride to Pasadena High School following a column I had written regarding transportation conditions.

I'm sure there are many parents who have stories about his tagging along. Now, it's the parents' turn. But what can people do other than complain?

"Visit the schools. Establish a presence on campus, and, no, you don't need an appointment. Remember the schools belong to the people," he said, and then concluded our conversation with these words of challenge, "Parents need to take back the schools."

IVANA DESERVES PROPS, NOT CUFFS

2010-01-02 18:45:00

WITH Nigerian terrorist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, padding his undies with enough explosives to take down American Airlines flight 231 from Amsterdam to Detroit on Christmas Day, I would have thought Ivana Trump would have been seen as heroic when, just a day after this incident, she acted to protect her fellow first-class passengers on a flight from Palm Beach International Airport to New York City.

Not quite the case. Ivana, unlike the passenger on the Amsterdam flight who tackled Umar and is now being heralded as a person exhibiting a high level of personal responsibility, she's being called an erratic troublemaker.

This 60-year-old socialite did what many irresponsible citizens fail to do whether riding on a plane, shopping in a supermarket or dining in a restaurant and, for this, security removed her from the flight. Ivana reportedly screamed at some misbehaving children who were running in the aisle of the plane as though, I suspect, they might do at a local park or in their own back yards.

Further, it is said that she also cursed at a baby who continually cried - crying perhaps due to a load of human explosives packed in the underwear, which the parents neglected to detect much like the lack of security commitment in Amsterdam.

While "childhood terrorist" are in no way as dangerous or as menacing as those, like Umar, who act with the intent of taking out human life, they most certainly should be contained, watched and monitored as they are, indeed, a threat to a person's peace and tranquility.

I do not understand why Ivana was escorted from the airplane and not the parents and their unruly children. News reports say Ivana was asked to calm down but instead she became belligerent.

Oh!

Belligerence should not trump unruly children. Why didn't the other passengers join the responsible one in trying to make the flight a peaceful one? Why didn't the flight attendant do something about children using the aisle as their personal playground? With or without explosives concealed in its underwear, a crying baby is a heck of an attack on a passenger's right to the pursuit of peaceful flight.

Before I'm accused of telling only half a story, let me add that Ivana, the ex-wife of Donald Trump, also cursed and screamed at crew members and other passengers and she turned down the opportunity to voluntarily get off the plane.

I wasn't there. I didn't witness the incident, but the news reports haven't offered up enough to convince me that the culprit in this scenario was the somebody who was "angered," the descriptive word others used, by bad kids.

It's high time airport officials do their real job of sniffing out terrorists who board planes with the intent of bringing them down and stop roughing up old women who don't like crying babies and misbehaving kids. I hope Ms. Ivana sues the pants off of all those airline employees and security folk who treated her with such disrespect for simply having acted in a responsible manner.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Thursdays 7:30 -8:30 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE ANSWER IS BLOWING IN THE WIND

2009-12-28 09:06:52

SO much for us to be grateful for in a year when prosperity for so many friends, relatives and fellow countrymen is hard to come by.

To have awakened Christmas morning in a house with a roof that wasn't leaking, with company coming for dinner or an invitation to celebrate the holiday at someone else's table was truly a blessing.

To have watched the youngsters gleefully snatching and then opening their presents from under the tree is a memory to cherish. Grabbing the digital camera and catching these memories, downloading them into the computer and then sending them to everyone no matter where they live - near or far - is truly a bit of technological genius.

Grandparents, those who've bitten the bullet and joined the computer age, marveled at their ability to press a button or two and have the younguns,teenagers, toddlers and newly arrived infants staring at them from their own homes but now on laptop, desktop or from those other newfangled screens.

What did you get for Christmas?

Tuning my ear to the wind, as the old folks in my family called it, I continually hear a different answer blowing around and the message I'm catching isn't just coming from those who've lived long enough to collect enough gifts to stock their own small store, but it is coming from many families with young crumb-snatchers.

Christmas had a new meaning in a lot of households. From the sound of things, this great holiday may well be returning to days of old.

"Spending time together was our goal," said one mother of teenage girls who reported the days of new clothes, accessories and trinkets had given way to absolutely no presents. Instead it's about having shopped for the dinner and spending Christmas morning preparing it, which mom always did by herself while the "girls" opened, swooned, tried on and then modeled their new stuff.

"My husband had to work, so it was going to be a pretty quiet day around the house, but last week my 13-year-old suggested we volunteer for the morning at one of the shelters and that's what we did," reported another head of family seeing the holiday with a different spirit than how it once was.

Christmas at her house, this mom reported, has always been a huge self-centered experience. While the younger child had a million questions about them volunteering, she was happy to answer all that she could, but the experience itself, she said, settled for him the good of giving help to others.

Christmas has passed, but we aren't yet through with ourselves. The end of the year is closing in and the resolutions we quietly make are waiting to be finalized. Will we change the course of history - our own and our children's? If I read the wind correctly, the answer is blowing in a historical direction.

Happy New Year!

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626-794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

"WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?"

2009-12-19 19:52:05

Thanks to Elin Woods, Tammy Wynette's record-breaking 1968 country tune, "Stand By Your Man" has found a resting place.

"Surely you can find something in the Tiger Woods story that relates to parenting," was the terse post on my Facebook page following last week's writing that I thought would clarify my position with the ongoing saga of the golfer's infidelity.

So this piece is bowing to public pressure as I continually hear from readers. While the majority of the correspondence thanks me for not adding another voice to the story and a telephone call from a neighbor from long ago in Boyle Heights said she was "grateful" for my stance, here I am lending my voice to a wife who is exhibiting Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" philosophy.

As the mother of five daughters, I applaud the spunk of Elin, the former Swedish model and au pair, who married the golfer in October 2004 and is now the mother of his two children. I'm pretty tired of philandering husbands with wives, including Hillary Clinton, standing by their side. I suspect the stance of women who do this has more to do with advantages and positioning than it has to do with love.

As for Elin, walking away with more millions than this low-income writer knows how to count, the advantage and positioning don't add up to staying with the player who has, as folk on my side of town would say, dissed her. Is it the millions of dollars that drive my viewpoint on this matter? Where's the parenting lesson I've been challenged to find?

At this time of year, long, long ago, one of my daughters was dropped at my house in the early afternoon of a very bad weather day while her then live-in boyfriend drove to San Diego to deliver a Christmas present to his son. Mr. A said he would make a turn-around and be back within a few hours to enjoy Christmas festivities at my home.

As the day wore into night, as the rain poured and lightning flashed and long after all of the other guests had packed up their gifts and left, daughter began to cry hysterically and made the mistake of asking me what I thought of her significant other. Before answering, I did warn her that she might not want to hear my very honest position. She was in a weak and vulnerable position, and let me add she had just recently been discharged from the hospital following back surgery.

What did I think of Mr. A? Well, it wasn't Mr. A who my thoughts centered on. The problem was my daughter, who put up with his escapades time and time again. I drove her home while the storm was still raging. He returned from San Diego and his ex-wife three days later.

I don't know what lessons Elin's mom, Barbara Holmberg, a politician, preached to her daughter, but this young lady most certainly has not stood by her philandering man nor should the rest of our daughters. I'm humming Tina's "What's Love Got to do With It" and my daughters, all of them, are joining in.

Mr. A? Of course he kept up his nonsense with a host of other women. And then one day, after devoting 15 years of her youth, my daughter walked away from a life of material comforts she thought were so important that she stayed with the jerk.

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NOT TAKING THE TIGER BY HIS TAIL

2009-12-12 18:46:15

THE big question I get from readers these days is, "What about Tiger Woods?" It is my practice to respond to every e-mail or snail-mailed letter that I receive.

Most folk who've been following my parent missives through the years know pretty much what kind of issues I prefer to comment on. Others, and certainly those who want to hear my take on the golf great, haven't as yet found my rhythm.

Asked one e-mailer, whom I haven't answered yet, "Are you ignoring what you ought to be writing about because you maybe think it is a bad something for an African-American woman to write about?"

I am not assigned a topic nor am I assigned what point of view to take on the topic, which I have chosen for the week.

In the early days, back to the `70s , when I wrote a column in the Pasadena Star-News the topics would be classified as social issues, which is very broad and might have encompassed a point of view on the current Tiger Woods media nonsense.

For some years I did not have a column, but when I returned about five years ago, the category I pitched to the editors was parenting. My chosen topics in this category are quite often a news story involving families.

Another misnomer about this golden opportunity, I have, of sharing my views in the newspaper , is that I was selected from a pool of talented journalists with fancy degrees from places like USC, where I'm frequently called an alum simply because I've lived in Los Angeles County all my life.

Do not ask me to explain how our members of the public come to make assumptions of this kind.

I have a degree in sociology from UCLA. But how did the newspaper pick me? It didn't. Back in the day I began by writing (constant) letters to the editor. One day, at a luncheon held at Brookside Clubhouse, I sat next to the late Charles Cherniss, the former Star-News editor, and I mentioned I would like to write a column.

His response: "Send me 10 and we'll see about that." I took him 10, within two days, and was told that he gave me his standard response but I was the first to step up to the challenge.

Why have I come back to write about parenting and how do I pick what to write? Parents are pretty much an ignored bunch of people when it comes to their trials, tribulations, faults, successes, dreams and points of view. While I certainly don't represent all of the above, I write to provide my commonsense approach to issues that parents face.

Picking the week's topic is no easy matter. I keep my ear to the wind - listen hard and concentrate steadily on what I hear parents talking about. I depend on the news and develop an angle that hasn't been presented, which usually turns into the commonsense angle. Also, readers make suggestions and I follow up on those.

Let me add, the editors of the paper who run my column (which becomes this blog on my website) hold the power of rejection! But thus far, every topic has passed muster - or, more to the point, has passed the current editor's scrutiny. This doesn't mean the paper shares my views.

And, here on the webisite, you've got the instant opportunity to include your reponse. The newspaper readers have to send in an email and hope and wait for it to be printed.

Here on the website there ain't no oversight and no one who can decide NOT to run what I write!

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KIDS RULE

2009-12-06 08:34:11

AT&T is not known for being on the side of parents or their children. By saying this, I'm not suggesting it does evil deeds directly aimed at the American nuclear clan.

But fast forward to the corporate conglomerate's current television commercial for AT&T U-Verse, a system that records up to four television shows at once, and I can't help but label the outfit as anti-parent.

As boob-tube viewers, AT&T has subjected us to a family scene in which dad is treated like a persona non grata when his plan to change the channel is thwarted, first by the mom's demand for her own viewing pleasure, then by the young son who points his remote at mom and dad. "Drop `em," he says. Finally the young daughter proclaims, while of course pointing her remote at all the family members: 'Happy Ponies' is coming on and I'm not going to miss Happy Ponies.

The icing on the cake is Gramma entering the scene planning to say something. She shakes her head, gives up and turns and walks away when she notices all family members are aiming their remotes at each other in a threatening manner as though they were weapons.

Kids rule in this commercial.

At a time when children are taking control and running households in communities all across America whether rich or poor, whether black or white, whether Asian or otherwise, why pump the young ones up with television scenes that encourage blatant disrespect for the elders?

"Well, it is just a commercial" you say. But please realize our young ones are not mature enough to determine this commercial or any other one is just a product pitch, and the behavior of child actors isn't the right thing to emulate.

Youth have difficulty distinguishing between right and wrong, reality and dreamland. Television, for them, pretty much represents both of these.

Kids repeat what they see on the tube. Many years ago, my teenager who lived in Boston came home for the holidays. While here she asked her sister to perform the latest dance popular in the West. Turned out they both were doing the same moves, having learned and practiced them watching "Soul Train" with Don Cornelius every day after school.

Grandmothers have an important role in families and for this commercial to relegate her to an exasperated individual who can't stand up to the nonsense she sees unfolding in the home helps our children determine grannies are irrelevant.

For the kids to have the last word before this 31-second piece moves to an announcer telling us what we need to buy perpetuates our current troublesome reality that it is OK for children to be in charge.

It's just TV? No, it is not and AT&T the corporate giant knows better. If you've been fortunate enough to miss this subtle but disgraceful attack on parenting, Google AT&T standoff and form your own opinion.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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ONLY KIDS -THEY DON'T COME IN BULK

2009-11-28 23:00:03

Here's some good news. The kid said he followed the advice of his parents and the other elders in his family. Jason, the kid, admitted it wasn't usually his choice; that's just the way things were in his family. It was do or die.

My grandmother said children were put here to listen to and obey the old folks and I actually, truly, believed that up until the time I moved from home, said the college freshman who I guess isn't really a kid anymore.

But what about the behavior of his high school buddies? Jason said he simply thought they were weird for doing their own thing. If only this young man's parents had been close by for me to give `em the third degree, but no such opportunity.

How did this only child defy the typical notion we have of who the spoiled brats are? And to top off this anomaly, Jason was a twin whose older brother died shortly after birth. He didn't even get special treatment because the family saw themselves as so lucky to at least have him.

What's a parent to do when there's only one kid to shower love on? When there's a bunch of them in a household, it's a lot easier to keep `em from being spoiled and to help them recognize life doesn't revolve around them.

What untruism. No such word? No such mantra, either. No question about it, life is different in a one-child household, but that doesn't mean Jason and maybe a few others have to be the oddballs.

My friend Audrey, a former local resident and a pediatrician, didn't have only one child, but the space between her children was about 15 years. She wasn't about to raise a spoiled brat. Make sure they have responsibilities and make sure they follow through on them - was this mother's hallmark.

Then there's the West L.A. mom I know who was so impressed with the genius of her only kid that the boy was never given any chores. Upon returning home after graduating cum laude from Harvard at the age of 18, mom was, among other things, washing, drying, folding and putting away his clothes.

He needs me, and always will," she proclaimed. There are the little ones who are allowed to be part of the mainstream family activities. They get to join the conversation with adult friends of the family - with relatives, too.

These little ones' opinion on all matters carries as much weight as those of their parents, and they've managed to master the art of smiling, winking, batting their eyes or whatever trick works to get mom or dad to do things their way. >While only children aren't the only ones guilty of getting away with such crap, their parents tend to let it slide, it seems to me, because it isn't happening in bulk.

Jason thinks only kids who are spoiled have spoiled it for those like him with parents who set out to raise kids who didn't fit the perception.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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PARENTING ADVICE? MAYBE.

2009-11-22 16:51:23

If my usual parenting advice is what readers are looking for, this column may not quite hit the mark. Well, maybe some insights into the mighty responsibility of raising young'uns:

As my married daughter and parent of two sons recently said during a telephone conversation that hit on inappropriate childhood behavior - attitudes never straightened out that morph into inappropriate adult lifestyles - "Some kids are just left to grow and others get raised."

I call her comments insights. I don't think of them as advice because what she's laid down doesn't actually supply the one, two, three of how to raise kids.

I don't suspect too many folks think of me as a Dear Abby. If called anything, the name game would probably put me closer to "That Shirlee."

Jen and Barb invited me to fill their TV guest spot on "The Jen and Barb Show" to provide advice on children's bedtime.

They were warned by me that I wasn't really what they wanted. They insisted. When all was said and done, there were no feelings of "Dear"; "That Shirlee" was most surely the final result.

No, I'm not too hard on myself. I saw the final version of the show and most of me was left on the edit room floor.

Does this column dispense advice or does it provide a common-sense approach to raising children instead of letting them just grow on their own?

Such was the problem with the "How to Get Your Kids To Bed" episode.

A philosophical common-sense approach to raising children encompasses bedtime, health, education, honesty, discipline and everything else associated with producing children who become responsible adults.

Not enough parents are willing to stop to make an honest assessment of their own rules and recognize it isn't someone else's advice that's needed.

Instead, what's necessary is for them to establish their very own concrete development plan.

Back in the day, parents were advised to let their babies cry. Then a complete turnaround from the so-called experts said never just let the baby cry.

What to do when depending upon the so-called parenting experts?

School officials advise parents to help Julio and Johnny with their schoolwork and to be involved with the classroom teacher. Health officials advise regular trips to the pediatrician and to make sure Tamika and Rosella have their immunizations.

This is clearly advice based on sound research.

Neither Jen nor Barb will be able to brand me responsible when, in later years, their or their viewers offprings' therapists tie the prevailing troublesome mental health issues to bedtime advice provided by "That Shirlee."

Bedtime? Establish one and stick to it. Maybe my kind of talk is just plain ol’ common sense that some people want to call advice.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

XMAS GIFTS YOUR KIDS WILL CRY FOR

2009-11-19 10:40:34

I am not the Grinch and this blog most certainly is not about
stealing Christmas. Having said that, readers are most likely set for
some kind of non-traditional nonsense that only The Captain, as one of
my daughter's boyfriends named me, would put forth in print.

In Dr. Seuss's "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," little Cindy and all
of the Whoville inhabitants rejoice and exhibite the holiday spirit
even though the green guy with the Santa outfit had packed his sled
and
driven off with all of their gifts he'd gone down the chimneys and
stolen from under their decorated trees.

In life, people in America have seen much harder times. While there's
bound to be some adjustments needed in many households this year and
while the troublesome economy is the back story to our money
troubles,
sometime limited amounts of cash and closed credit are actually
blessings in disguise.

Once upon a time, right here in America - the land of milk and honey -
parents didn't pack so many gifts under the decorated tree that their
children spent most of the morning unwrapping them rather than
enjoying
them.

Once upon a time, right here in America - in a place called Terry,
Miss. - my friend told me she and the rest of the kids in the family
got a fresh apple on the big morning. That was it. That was their
Christmas and they were thankful.

Just a few years ago, right here in the land of the Rose Parade- a
place called Pasadena, another friend was troubled because after her
son opened up all of his gifts, and the electronic gadget he had
wanted
so badly wasn't in the collection, he went to bed crying.

Mom needed all of her friends to help because her trouble stemmed from
her having looked everywhere for the gadget but it was sold out. She
was asking me to please, if I heard of anywhere it was in stock, to
let
her know, as the boy really had to have one.

This year news reports tell us favorite toys and gadgets will not
remain on the store shelves very long because merchants are stocking
smaller numbers of items so gift givers will need to shop early.

Well I haven't found any grocers warning that apples will not be
available in the produce section. This past week, fresh crisp Fujis
were only 58 cents per pound at Food 4 Less, and at Smart and Final,
Red Delicious apples were three pounds for just $1.49.

Of course there are the other regulars we know of such as Granny Smith
and Golden Delicious; in fact, there are over 7,000 varieties of
apples
throughout the world.

I suspect my friend Arlene from Mississippi more than likely had one
of
the apples we're all pretty familiar with - but the McClain clan,
about
a dozen kids, were all thankful.

Am I advising apples instead of gadgets this year? Well, back to the
concept of lack of cash, no credit and blessings in disguise. Giving
apples does fit the concept. Also, the many varieties of this fruit
gives the giver a unique shopping experience when it comes to
selection: size, shape, sweet, tart, crisp or even soft, and it gives
the ungrateful child recipient the chance to have a tantrum and to, we
can only hope, stay in bed for the day, having cried their self to
sleep.

Signed, The Captain

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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DOING THE RIGHT THING

2009-11-08 07:50:43

EYEWITNESSES claim they didn't see anything. Financial regulators pass over the obvious accounting irregularities.

Parents say Johnny will outgrow his troublesome behavior.

Teachers pass non-achieving students on to the next grade.

Those who saw the shooter draw his firearm and "off" the kid who was walking home from school don't want to become the next target.

Those in charge of keeping the money safe are either on the hand-out from the embezzler or are too lazy to follow up on the leads that stare them in the face.

Parents don't want to believe what they've created or just plain don't understand simple signals - torturing the pets, stealing, lying and other anti-social behaviors in youngsters, which follow them along to adolescence and into adulthood.

And teachers who pass the student who doesn't know grade-level work by giving passing marks on papers that don't cut the mustard, just plain ol' don't care or really don't know the long-range significance of their evil deeds.

Hello!

Whatever happened to accountability, excellence and responsibility? How come people don't do the right thing?

The officials who, for 20 years, visited their child-molester parolee who had a captive in the yard of the very house they came to, never paid attention to anything peculiar or out of the ordinary - yet still collected paychecks.

Say what you will about Michael Moore's recent documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Affair" - he's got some answers to my dilemma regarding accountability, excellence and responsibility. While teachers aren't ripping off citizens when it comes to investments as we generally classify investments, they really are squandering our money by not providing adequate education but instead helping to fill our prisons with school dropouts.

Parents who don't do the job of observing their children, then correcting or seeking help for anti-social behavior, don't rank any better than the officials who pass over troublesome indicators or the teachers who help to fill the jail cells.

Surely I'm not alone in recognizing our society no longer perpetuates the concept of doing the right thing. We've changed from the lessons of old that made us believe if you witnessed the old lady being robbed it was your responsibility to tell law enforcement everything you knew. The only fear we used to have was our behavior standards not letting us do the wrong thing and our conscious not ever letting us have another peaceful night's sleep.

Is my quandary regarding doing the right thing tied to greed and money? I'm not so sure I want to take it that far, but chasing the paycheck kinda figures into parents who don't have time to spend with the kids because they work more than one job, and not just to make ends meet, but instead to acquire more trinkets.

It just may be easier for the teacher of an inner-city classroom filled with difficult students to simply pass them on rather than educate them - the paycheck is not tied to performance.

It's a tough job blowing the whistle, especially when it's a supposedly respectable guy like Bernie Madoff, so why risk the trouble of being fired for pointing out irregularities?

And then there's Jaycee Dugard, who could have had a very different life if the authorities on the case believed in doing the right thing: a good job.

PARENTS ARE THE TEACHER OF THE YEAR

2009-10-31 21:28:48

ON Nov. 3, Tuesday coming up, remember to vote and remember to take the kids with you to your polling place.

If you've voted by mail, I sure hope you included the youngsters, well, teenagers too, in the process.

My neighbor, seeing a local candidate's lawn sign at my house, wanted to know, "Yo, what's up with this?"

Quiet as it may be kept, in communities across the nation, it is time once again to act as involved and responsible citizens.

VOTE!

But why involve the children who aren't eligible to mark a ballot before they are 18 years old and registered to vote?

But they can vote and the little ones are thrilled with the opportunity. Polling places have a practice machine and while the "pretend ballot" doesn't make it into the all-important ballot box, youngsters enjoy the exercise in democracy.

Do the kids actually know what they're doing? Well, that depends on their age and the household environment we parents provide.

Will teens actually be willing to accompany a parent to the polls? How many of us vote before heading to the job site or vote heading back home at the end of the workday?

The big thought is how many of us drop a teen at the school campus in the morning and may well pick them up at the end of the day?

As parents, we know that willingness is all too often a concept quite foreign in the life of those between the ages of - readers, please put in your own numbers on this one.

Exercises in the democratic process are something we owe our children long before the concept gets presented to them in school.

While "My house, my rules" ought to be the order of things; democracy should have a place in every household allowing children to help make decisions with their vote.

Conversation at the family dinner table can most certainly include some vocabulary building activity that would include candidate, ballot box, election, registrar of voters, register to vote, politician and the list goes on.

The women's suffrage movement gets a big round of discussion, and why not have the teenagers, who spend so much time on the Internet, anyway, do a little research and lead some dinnertime conversation with their findings?

When did African Americans gain the right to vote and what did they do to gain this right?

With this type of conversation, the kids will undoubtedly mutter their universal and often heard comment: "Boring."

But it's not our job as parents to be the entertainer of the year. It's our job to prepare our children for the responsibility of adulthood.

It's our job to run our household in a manner that recognizes we, as parents, are the first teacher - we should be the teacher of the year.

Find out everything you need to know - so you can tell it to the kids - by visiting The League of Women Voters-sponsored website at www.smartvote.org.

Oh, and there's room at your polling place for strollers - your children are never too young to go with you on election day.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

HOW HEAVY THE HAND THAT RULES THE ROOST?

2009-10-23 17:03:10

I'M not so sure about justice in America for a lot of reasons. And when it comes to this thing about a jury of one's peers, I get real troubled thinking about the parent who smacks their kid upside the head like used to happen all across the country and on a daily basis.

Back then, a smack upside the head or that back-hand lick the old-timers were famous for dishing out was not classified as child abuse, nor was it a reportable offense that could wind up sending this corrector of a kid's wrong deed to the hoosegow.

The idea of arresting parents for their minor child's criminal act drew so much commentary when I recently made that proclamation it made me wonder what would cause me to put that "outrageous," as some called it, viewpoint into print.

Actually, the majority of those who spoke to the issue said, "Right on," and most of them provided their own commentary regarding how out of control children are in today's permissive American society.

The lady with the flowing shoulder-length white hair in the Altadena nail salon said her parents wasted no time laying down the rules and daring her to even consider breaking them. The backhand was something she knew all about! She said when she had kids of her own, they didn't mess with her and she went on to talk about being called strict. Her kids and her grandkids she proclaimed to be productive members of our society.

A jury of one's peers, in the `40s, when I was growing up, would have let my parents and all the others who were enforcing household rules with a heavy hand, walk free out of the courtroom with the foreman giving a congratulatory comment to news reporters covering the case who had from all across the country.

Their readers would be exclaiming it was pure nonsense for parents to be arrested for simply doing their job. Some might even have called the trial outrageous.

Once upon a time, parents had a responsibility and they met that challenge and their offspring are proud today of their upbringing and many are wondering what's gone so terribly wrong.

But let's get back to the year 2009 and my call to arrest irresponsible parents of minor children who commit horrific crimes as the one I described in my recent column about a teenager being set on fire by a group of teens whose ringleader had just been picked up by his parents at the police station the day before this brutal incident.

In today's climate there would probably be no difficulty in finding a jury of irresponsible parent peers who would let these folk walk.

But for the parent hauled into court for using a heavy hand to rule the roost, I'm not so sure that when potential jurors got questioned about their own discipline practices, they could say, in this child-centered and permissive society, that spare the rod and spoil the child was the philosophy they believed in.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Karma:police, arrest the parents, too

2009-10-18 08:57:55

ARREST the parents of 15-year-old Jesus Mendez, who has been charged with attempted second-degree murder for the act of dousing, along with four other teenage thugs, Michael Brewer of Deerfield Beach, Fla. with alcohol and setting him on fire, leaving him with burns covering 90 percent of his body.

First charge against the parents: blatant dereliction of duty. Clear evidence is their neglect in slapping young Mendez with an order of parental house arrest after he was taken into custody on Sunday, just the day before the violent attack, but was released into his parent's custody after allegedly stealing the victim's father's bike as payment young Brewer owed him for a video game.

The term "grounded" quickly comes to mind when thinking of any kid abusing the privilege of hanging out with friends and operating under the trust parents or guardians place in them by allowing them out on their own without adult supervision.

All teenagers should earn this right by demonstrating, in a variety of ways, the home training they've had drilled into them over the years prior to hanging with buddies.

Police officers called these parents into the station to pick up their kid, who was suspected of stealing, and the next day this same kid is out on the street committing a more serious crime. Who is the criminal in this case?

The reason, as my mother used to preach, that children aren't hatched like chickens from an egg shell is because children can't figure out life their parents are expected to draw up the blueprint for them.

Now, if parents have to make their way to the police station, listen to the officers report the evidence and talk about charges and court appearances, watch the kid sit there looking stupid and then get back home, there shouldn't be any hanging with anybody except a broom, mop, pail, cleaning rags, vacuum, shovel, hose and any other tools necessary for odd jobs neighbors and friends might also need during a parental-imposed house arrest.

But no such luck in the Mendez story, as this young teenager was out the next day, allegedly up to more serious criminal activity.

Second charge against these parents should be attempted second-degree murder, the same as the charge against their son.

In some states, the concept of parental responsibility puts us in the hot seat if our kid gets classified as a truant. In some states, this kind of responsibility also makes us adjust our budgets to accommodate the cost of our kids wreaking havoc on public or even someone's personal property.

Let's bring the law down on all parents in our society who seem to believe it is OK to raise chickens popping out of eggshells rather than raising children who will be productive members of society.

PICK OF THE LITTER

2009-10-11 08:38:30

FAVORITISM is an issue in far too many families. We knew a mother who didn't care much for her second child because, said mom, "The kid gave me too many problems during my pregnancy." Mom explained further that her first born had been a slam dunk; no morning sickness, no constantly having to check in with the doctor. To top it all off, Mom was known to brag about how short her labor was and how smooth the delivery went.

But the problem second birth was no more the fault of that child than was the flawless entrance into the world of the oldest kid in the family.

This mom was pretty much the talk of the neighborhood where I grew up.

Well, the elders most certainly did not sit me down and provide me with the rundown, but my young ears constantly caught pieces of conversation centered on the behavior of mom toward her two kids who were only about 13 months apart.

The youngest kid was left in her bed most of the day with unchanged diapers on. The older kid could be found sitting in her high chair, playing with toys on the floor. Most noticeable to the elders, this child was usually up and about when visitors dropped by the house.

Then there was the act of getting to the bus stop or going for groceries. Mom always carried the oldest one, while the younger one, who, early on, could hardly walk had to make it on her own.

Wrongdoing? Favoritism? Neither reaped any rewards in the long run as the oldest daughter grew up with absolutely no respect for her mother but the youngest, still seeking approval, pampered Mom, who hated every moment of the attention that was lavished on her by the "wrong daughter."

My kids have heard this story repeatedly over the years. Has it ever made sense to them? I suspect not. Why would a parent treat one kid better than the other is a question I've continually answered. But I don't think my words ever carried meaning until Mali traveled by jet from Harlem to live with us a few weeks ago.

Brandi fell in love with this cat even before she arrived. Cowcat, the old standby? Cowcat, once the apple of Brandi's eye?

"No, I haven't forgotten Cowcat, but I have to make Mali feel at home," Brandi responded to my lecture on favoritism.

My child went on to explain the neglect of her old love in terms that didn't actually sound like the family from my growing-up years, but my child's words and follow-up deeds had pretty much the same meaning.

Mali had suffered the death of her owner - the cat belonged to my sister, who recently passed away - and was aboard a jet plane and was now in a new place to live - so therefore deserved better treatment.

Better treatment at the expense of Cowcat?

Kids have the opportunity to learn there is more than the responsibility of the daily care routine. Fortunately, Brandi has come to find that equal treatment is as important as keeping the litter box clean, keeping fresh water in the dish and feeding her cats a nutritional diet.

PARENTS OUGHT TO BE ARRESTED

2009-10-03 22:34:09

The beating death of Derrion Albert, the honor roll student at Christian Fenger Academy High School in Chicago, isn’t really news.

And there isn’t anything that any of us need to hear or read regarding prosecutors charging four young men; Silvonus Shannon, 19, Eugene Riley, 18, Eric Carson, 16, and Eugene Bailey, 18, with first-degree murder.

We’ve all been through this scenario too many times before and, believe me, will be reliving the violence again albeit with different names for the suspects, another city other than Chicago and a different set of parents mourning the loss of their teenage child who was destined to lead a productive life.

Am I cutting short much needed concern and sympathy for the victim and those who knew and loved him?

It may seem that way, but in honor of both Derrion Albert and his parents, I’m asking readers to take a long hard look at the young men arrested and at the other young people who took part in the violence and at those who stood by watching but not helping.

Just what did these inner-city watchers and beaters, after they got home from school that day, talk about with their parents and the rest of the family at the dinner table that evening?

For that matter, what kind of conversation went on in the home that morning before the teenagers packed up and left for their day’s learning experience?

This beating death is no more news than the nonsense commentary as to how and why violence is so prevalent in the black community.

Is rap music to blame? Are violent video games and movies part of the reason behind black kids killing black kids?

Oh, it’s drugs in the ‘hood, lack of jobs, poor self esteem, bad schools and insensitive officials, which includes the police, who just don’t understand that lack of opportunity creates social ills.

Too many parents in my community have let go of the values most of us old-timers were brought up with. Once upon a time, parents not only ruled the house but they ruled the streets they lived on.

Rap music? Well, if the lyrics don’t support my values you don’t play it in my house and you don’t need to own an IPod and select your own music, because the expensive little electronic gadget doesn’t fit into my budget, anyway.

Violence on the TV screen along with guns and ammo don’t play in my house, either.

Don’t talk to me about lack of jobs because there are too many teenagers who think they are above the task needed in entry level employment and, instead, they somehow believe a job means they are supposed to start at the top.

Home is supposed to provide opportunity for the lessons in life. Home is supposed to provide self esteem and can happen when parents assist their children in taking pride in the jobs they do around the house.

Poor schools in the hood where expectations for student performance are low? Yes, indeed, but that too is on the parents who spend more time at the mall than making sure the school is delivering and their own Jerome is working to make the honor roll.

Along with the arrest of Shannon, Riley, Carson and Bailey, their parents need to be slapped in the slammer, taken to trial and convicted for raising hoodlums.

Now, I would call that news.

PUT KIDS ON TRACK

2009-09-27 20:35:00

MS. Inappropriate shimmied into the agency lobby smacking on gum, talking loudly on her cell phone but taking a break from the conversation just long enough to tell the receptionist she was there for her interview.

As she leaned over onto the receptionist's desk, her skirt, much too short even for a pool party, raised up a little too far in the back, revealing the bottom line of some brightly colored underwear that didn't quite conceal Ms. Inappropriate's king-size buttocks.

She had bleached hair that was braided with jewels at the tip of each of braid. Her wrap-around dark shades that covered too much of her face had frames with the same kind of jewels that adorned her nose.

Was this a job interview? Well, maybe for a strip club pole dancer.

Then again, maybe Ms. Inappropriate was there for a spot as an extra in some Hollywood production. No, probably not, or she would have announced she was there for an audition.

She sat down next to me and reeked of tobacco all the way from the streaks of blond in her hair to the glossy painted toe nails that protruded from her worn-out flip flops.

Of course I smiled. She smiled back while putting her hand over her mouth and apologizing for having so many missing teeth.

Nope, she'd never been a pole dancer or a movie extra and she had a legitimate interview with a job placement counselor because it was required of her as a resident of the halfway house where she lived. She said she was required to look for work.

Was she really hoping to find work or was she simply doing this exercise because it was a condition of her room and board?

Had anyone taught - or tried to teach - her about appropriate attire for a job interview or for an appointment with a counselor?

"Huh?" she inquired when I asked about her skills for employment and what she thought her chances might be for landing a job.

She was a nice young lady who suffered from the same malice too many of our young people are afflicted with - no guidance.

Way back when she was in the 2nd or 3rd grade, her non-caring mom, I was told, announced to all kids in the household that they were on their own. No more meals cooked. No clothes washed. No needs of any kind to be met.

No one, Ms. Inappropriate said to me, had ever mentioned gum, a cell phone, loud conversation and a too-short skirt were basically frowned upon by anyone in a position of providing her help.

Was I an undercover agent, a job counselor in disguise?

Nope. Just a bleeding-heart parent who knew the brightly colored underwear should never again have to be seen by the public.

Just a bleeding-heart parent who believes all kids would be on the right track if they just had someone to put them and then keep them there.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

MY SISTER BEVERLEE BRUCE

2009-09-19 22:57:22

My earliest memory of my big sister Beverlee Bruce is that of total trust, admiration and constantly being cheated out of my Chocoletto candies.

But with the telephone call last Sunday from NYPD precinct No. 32 that delivered that message that no one wants to get, the funny Chocoletto story, along with the trust and admiration, took on new meaning.

Beverlee Bruce - Pudge, as I called her - has passed away. Transitioned, as some refer to it. But no matter the phrasing, she isn't with us anymore.

What happened? People from places all over the world, where she has traveled, are asking that question. We only know that she was found on the floor of her Harlem apartment.

Bruce, as I also called her, was in Pasadena last year and attended a Michelle Obama event.

Politics and academics were her lifelong forte. She began by being a favorite of her teachers in elementary school because she always worked hard and did well. Later, at Roosevelt High School in Los Angeles, she always held a student body office.

I tried to be the copycat little sister. Well, not when it came to working hard and doing well in school, and because of this teachers were extremely disappointed in what they must have thought should be a family tradition.

But when it came to school politics, I was a winning candidate on any ballot, simply, I confess, because the name Pickett (and it didn't matter which one) was already established.

Copycat?

She got married. I got married. She had one kid, I had a houseful, and that's when I became Shirlee and not Beverlee's little sister. She went the academic route and I took the parenting path.

She's gone too soon, many of her friends have said. Well, she did claim she would live to be 100, but it seems she missed her mark by 26 years. And as my mother would say, "Oh, not in charge, eh?"

Too soon? Not by Beverlee's long list of accomplishments. The following is an excerpt from the tribute the International Rescue Committee she served on will place in The New York Times:

"Beverlee Bruce was a social anthropologist, development specialist and educator with significant experience in Africa and the Caribbean, where she designed, implemented and evaluated rural community development projects. She served in Liberia as U.S. Peace Corps director and as chief technical advisor for the United Nations Self-Help Village Development Project. She taught at the City University of New York, Temple, Harvard - where she earned her Ph.D. - Northeastern and Howard universities as well as at the University of Massachusetts, UCLA, the University of Liberia, Marymount Manhattan College and Wellesley College. She had also served as a program director at the Social Science Research Council. At the time of her death she was on leave from the Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Race at Columbia University.

"Beverlee joined the Women's Commission Board in 1991. On becoming its chair in 1995, she joined the IRC board, serving until 2007, when she became an Overseer. She was for a number of years chair of the Program Committee, and in that role provided invaluable advice to members of the IRC's program staff and frequently visited IRC programs around the world."

Now, about the famous Chocoletto story that is known word by word by every member of our family, looks like I'll have to save it for my tribute at Bruce's memorial service, to be held in early October.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

"COLORED" WOMAN SAYS KIDNAP VICTIM AND DAUGHTERS NORMAL!

2009-09-06 11:22:16

IT was on "Anderson Cooper 360" that I heard the woman. What an interview. But then I suppose news outlets are scrambling for a unique angle when reporting the finding of kidnap victim Jaycee Lee Dugard.

But to bring this woman, Cheyvonne Molina, who knows Jaycee and her daughters, to the viewing public without some kind of disclaimer for her shortsighted belief that these three young women, who have lived their lives in captivity, are really quite fine, is simply irresponsible journalism.

There needed to be, if not a disclaimer, most certainly some kind of counter-statements as to the fact that being held in captivity cannot produce "quite fine."

Initially we met two impressive women, Lisa Campbell and Ally Jacobs, who broke the 18-year-old kidnapping case by following-up on their suspicions upon seeing Dugard's two daughters on the UC Berkeley campus in the company of their father, ex-convict and registered sexual pervert Phillip Garrido.

Campbell and Jacobs noted the girls were not in school, their skin was pale and they avoided making eye contact. Also, it was unusual, this dynamic duo noted, for an 11-year-old to look every time she said something at her older sister for approval.

Cheyvonne Molina said these girls were friends of her daughter and had most recently attended her party. She went on to say the girls were fans of the TV show "Hannah Montana" like so many other kids their age.

And this makes them normal?

The media, said Molina, "made it seem like these little girls were living like wolves or jungle kids in the backyard dungeon. Perhaps that's it, but they didn't give that visual to me."

Molina, I'm afraid, has lost track of her own African-American heritage or perhaps has never had the opportunity to understand our ancestors' life in the big house being raped by master and bearing his children, as Dugard's experience has duplicated.

Or maybe Molina has been reading but has focused on those now corrected history books that portrayed slaves as happy Negroes picking cotton and singing songs in the field. Maybe Molina is stuck with the image from "Gone With The Wind" where the house Negroes were dressed in starched and well-pressed garments.

Since she says the girls were both polite and well-mannered, Molina, like old-time historians, failed to understand that a smile and a "Yessuh, master," does not denote normalcy.

How come two UC campus officers saw something odd with the girls, something that needed to be investigated? How come, Cheyvonne Molina, who knew the children, their kidnap victim mother and the sex-pervert kidnapper for some time, comes on "Anderson Cooper 360" expecting viewers will find merit in her viewpoint of normalcy?

Perhaps, since Molina doesn't have a grasp of her own identity based upon the historical significance of slavery and the impact it has had on shaping the viewpoint of so many, she just sees what she wants to, and life is so much less troublesome that way.

On the other hand, Campbell and Jacobs, in their job capacity as an event planner and as campus security, live life knowing what clues indicate and also knowing they have a responsibility in life, and that doesn't equate with things being easy.

Without the Campbells and the Jacobs in our society, we wouldn't be able to shake our heads and wonder why the decision was made to put Molina before the news cameras.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE OVERSEER

2009-08-30 10:13:19

Brandi's off to her first year at Pasadena City College. She's reached so-called financial adulthood with a bank account, a debit card and scholarship money.

Bank of America will not be collecting overdraft fees from this student's account. Nor will the financial-aid authorities or the organizations who awarded her scholarships be hauling her in to explain herself because she abused the trust they placed in her by believing she was pursuing higher education.

She's on a budget that gets reviewed by the Overseer - me - weekly. Her debit card only gets carried when she's to make a purchase and it must return to the Overseer with the receipt and together they stay in my care.

Does she resent this?

We took inventory at our house and Brandi started with a count and organization of her clothes and shoes. It seemed like a fun activity when she first got started but once the job was completed the very serious part of the project dawned on her.

Looking at her wardrobe, laid there in the bedroom, she came to know her favorite red shoes needed replacing.

"I can go online, find `em and order," she announced with much confidence.

"But how many pairs of shoes do you count over there?" I asked.

"Eight, including the worn-out looking red ones that I'm going to get rid of," she responded without hesitation.

"There will be no new shoes brought into this home!" I announced emphatically.

Fortunately for me, my teenager often forgets to make a mental note, or even a written one, of the strategies that prevail in my household. So when it came time to make that list for the school supplies she needed, like the clothing one, it had to start with inventory.

Brandi had spotted some "cute" pens being advertised in the Sunday newspaper. She'd clipped the promo piece to be ready for the big challenge when she would be called upon to justify what she said she needed and where she would go for the purchase.

Inventory of the kid's room is always a must. There's quite often enough stuff stashed in a variety of unknown places to start a small supply store of one's own. And true to this, Brandi was able to produce 34 pens that could still write.

Not her art pens - another column - but just those pens, many of them promotional items she collects everywhere.

"Ugh!" she complained. "No fair!" I asked her to divide them up and share half her stash with me.

She was initially unwilling but finally cooperative. No cute pens were to be purchased and she understood quite clearly that she may have wanted them but she did not need them.

Like so many other families, we did hit the stores for back-to-school shopping and I'm pleased to report having seen a whole bunch of kids reading from their list with an adult trailing in a supervisory position a few steps behind.

Next week, we'll be looking at textbook purchases and where the best deals are to be had. There are some online sites for purchasing and depending on the professor's list, some experts recommend purchasing older editions.

Do I monitor everything? I sure do. While trying not to lecture, well, let me put it this way, I haven't written this piece because I need to vent.

Brandi did not get rid of her worn-out-looking red shoes. She's got `em on today and they look good as ever. They match her old red T-shirt.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE MIGHTY MURPHYS

2009-08-23 14:15:17

MILLARD Murphy said his relative, who had come to manage the children and the home while his wife Molly was in the hospital giving birth to one more Murphy, packed up her bags and left the family ahead of the scheduled departure day.

Now, when you hear this story and don't know the Murphys, or when you hear this story and think of the typical house full of kids, you think the relative walked because she couldn't endure the pain and chaos.

But those who know Millard and Molly, the very proud parents of 11 children now grown, aren't surprised when Millard delivers the punch line: His relative simply said she wasn't staying, because the kids were so well organized she was just getting in the way.

The Mighty Murphys, as I like to refer to these amazing parents, recently celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary with over 200 guests joining them at the Broadside Club House. This is how I come to be telling all their business

"No," was my answer to the smart lady from St. Andrews Catholic Church who was sitting next to me, "I don't do columns about affairs/events that I'm invited to. I kinda feel," I explained, "that is an invasion of privacy."

But if I don't shout about the Murphys, they sure aren't going to wave the flag and tell about what they've done because, for one thing, they don't really think they've done any more than what's required of parents.

But, if you've ever made the mistake of turning on your television and watching "Dr. Phil," you've gotten a pretty good dose of what parenting should not be, so I take great pride in putting Millard and Molly Murphy in the parenting spotlight.

"Let's see," I asked Molly, "don't you have a daughter who is an MD and another adult child who is a lawyer?"

"Uh, yes, but he's a law professor at UC Davis," she responded with a humble delivery that almost begged me not to continue highlighting the professional accomplishments of her many children.

How and what is the Murphy ticket for success?

Respect, organization, expectations, responsibility, broad cultural exposure and giving children direction and not asking them if they want it - seemed to be the Murphy plan.

Millard said expectations have to be high for each child as an individual, but each one must follow his separate passion. Respect for the family, Molly said, was key. The younger children had to follow the direction of the older ones, and the older ones were expected to accept this responsibility with a certain amount of honor and humility.

Mr. Wallace, who has known Millard since pre-kindergarten, told me once a neighbor paid him 10 cents for an errand. When his mother found out, "She put on her hat and marched me right back and made me return the money."

Wallace said his mother cautioned, "You may never accept money for that which you ought to be doing for a neighbor or friend."

Being a part of others' lives and successes was a neighborhood tradition both Molly and Millard lived by and set examples for.

Molly grew up in Boyle Heights. During World War II, when her Japanese friends were sent to internment camps, she corresponded with them. She has now given these valuable papers to the Japanese American Museum in Little Tokyo.

"Our children grew up with everyone welcome in our house," she said. Parents, said the Murphys, really need to broaden their children's cultural exposure.

Well, there's not space here to tell the full Murphy story. Tune in this Wednesday, August 26 at noon, on PCAC Charter Channel 56 or streaming here on our site homepage by clicking the channel 56 logo to meet these parents who really ought to be on national television replacing the constant parade of dysfunctional families with which we're continually inundated with. (note Wednesday show is a rebroadcast from last week)

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

HOW MANY SHOES CAN CHILDREN WEAR?

2009-08-15 15:25:39

Back-to-school shopping is going to be taking a back seat this year if the economy keeps on wreaking havoc on family budgets.

While news reports keep telling us things are moving upward, if you repeat this kind of chatter to your next-door neighbor or to Uncle Willie who lives down in Arkansas, neither one of them are going to know what you're talking about.

Most of us continue to see our expenses rise and our income, if we still have one, not stretching far enough to meet the cost of things. This takes us back to the issue of shopping for kids' clothes.

Too many parents, mothers in particular, are mashing their teeth wondering just how they're going to pull off this year's shopping extravaganza.

By the way, this column isn't for those parents who, through wise decision-making or sheer luck, have children who wear school uniforms.

And while Michael or Michelle may have grown a bit since June when summer vacation started, there's a hem at the bottom of the pants and the skirts that can be let out.

Come on now, surely I'm not the only one who remembers this cost-saving activity. And maybe there is a word or two here for the parents of uniform-wearing kids, because there's apt to be some talk among the offspring regarding that line where last year's hemline was that can't be steamed out - no matter what.

Stay tuned, parents of students in uniforms. I suspect, there's going be something for you, too. What about our kids' clothes that still fit and are hanging in their bedroom closet? Oh, they're not "in" this year. Parents, programmed like robots, follow what the kids demand and what some highly paid marketing executives have determined will keep us spending. It's old-folks talk when I say that long ago a pair of shoes for school and a pair of shoes for Sunday was all the space the closet floor had to yield for footwear. Once out of elementary school, another space was probably needed for a pair of gym shoes. Times have changed.

"Just how many shoes are in that space-saving bag?" I asked my 10-year-old grandson while staring in through his closet door.

Of course the kid didn't have an answer, but he was willing to count. Details weren't required and, in fact, I shouldn't have involved him in my thought process. He didn't buy the shoes. His parents, as is the case so very often, didn't think twice about spending the money.

The biggest change time has brought about is that too many parents have apparently felt they had too much money - or too many credit cards. Well, they wouldn't see it this way, but just look in their kids' closets, drawers and on the floors in their bedrooms.

Too much money along with really having enough money have both, and quite quickly it seems, become terms that just don't mean anything anymore. This school year, parents, I suspect, are not only going to ignore what their kids want in their wardrobe but they are also going to make some cost-effective modifications toward what the real needs are.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

TEEN CURFEWS SHOULDN'T BE NEWS TO PARENTS

2009-08-09 12:11:45

Unknown to many parents are state laws and community ordinances on the books that establish for minors, among other things, curfews, penalties for fighting, bullying and truancy.

What a change there might be in society if parents just thought to do a little bit of enforcement in their households.

But in defense of our American moms and pops, many have no idea what I'm talking about because where and when they grew up they never heard of these types of regulations. I'll bet good folk will respond indignantly by saying that they raise their kids not to steal, shoplift or engage in any other kind of petty theft activities.

So what's the problem, here?

There she goes complaining again, some readers are already muttering while asking, "What is it this time around?"

Are my columns really complaints, as one reader who sent me a long letter regarding my "attack" - as she called it - on the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors for their lack of governance in regards to the Department of Children and Family Service?

Raise you hand if you've been or know someone who has been hauled into court with a minor kid - Julio, John or Jamal - and a fine was levied against them for being out after curfew, being in a fight, bullying or being a truant.

Often times, the judge allows the fine to be worked out by community service but along with that penalty comes the high probability of the kid being placed on probation. And any violationof probation can land the kid smack into juvenile hall.

Yes, kids who are out after curfew, which is often set at 10 p.m., can be stopped by an officer and arrested.

"But he wasn't doing anything!" Tell that to the judge. Whether or not the handcuffs get clamped on the kid, is truly at the discretion of the officer. "It's summertime and kids are just out because it's hot," one might argue.

I received an e-mail from a long-time acquaintance who wondered: "I can never understand these individuals who allow their children to be outside after 9 or so at night, or even after dark in crime areas. This kid who was recently struck by a hit-and-run driver at 1 a.m.? What the heck was he doing out at that time? He should have been home in bed. And these people who stand out in front talking with friends - what fools. The police crime load would be substantially reduced if people would just stay inside at home at night."

TG, my e-mail correspondent, makes a good point as curfews are pretty much established for the safety of the community.

Then there's truancy which is defined by California Ed Code 48260 with a lot of conditions, details and possible penalties.

Fighting and bullying aren't taken lightly by the state, either, or by the long arm of enforcement agencies.

Learn all about the laws that regulate minor children as ignorance is not an acceptable plea. Order, for free, The California Bar Foundation publication, Kids & The Law, an A-Z guide for parents. E-mail kids@cakbar.ca.gov or by regular mail at Kids and the Law, Office of Media and Information Services, The State Bar of California, 180 Howard St., San Francisco, CA 94105-1639.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

BLAME FOR DEAD KIDS PUT AT LA COUNTY SUPERVISORS' FEET

2009-08-02 08:39:59

NOT much different about this column. The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services - I've written unfavorably about them before. Inept social workers - they usually share the spotlight with their employer. Dysfunctional families - they seem to always be whom the department preys upon. A dead child - there is always one who is said to have slipped through the crack. And known for their staring role - The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors demanding an investigation.

"My nephew didn't deserve this," said the tearful aunt of our latest child death victim as she blinked into the network news cameras from a location somewhere in South Los Angeles.

But there is no 6-year-old, whether living in South L.A. or living in Pacific Palisades, who should, under the eyes of those employed and elected to protect them, be continually abused and in the final analysis be beaten to death.

We need a new twist to these disturbing child deaths. We need a new turn in the road. Where do we look for change? Who can we turn to?

If we expect our troubled families to rise to this occasion, we're knocking on the wrong door. Too many families are without the necessary tools to better their lives and the lives of the children they are supposed to be responsible for.

Problem families are, in fact, the reason the Department of Children and Family Services exists. They are supposed to be here to act in the best interest of the child and to deliver services to families that will help to insure the safety and well being of children.

The level of excellence that this department should be required to deliver is in the hands of our county Board of Supervisors. This being the case, every child who dies, that a social worker's report says was not living in a dangerous situation, is really a death at the hands of the officials we elected.

While I claim this column is like all the others I have written about children who were killed and who, in some way, were connected with DCFS, the story differs in a big way because little Dae'von Bailey, who was beaten to death allegedly by his mother's ex-boyfriend, complained to social workers and to authorities at his school about the abuse.

This little boy did what we tell our children to do and, yet, nobody saved him. The school did their job and reported the incidents but in late June, just weeks before his murder, social workers determined the charge was unfounded.

Why won't the Board of Supervisors stop killing children? Would they see the murders differently if all the dead kids came from homes in the Palisades?

We need a new turn in the road and it isn't families, social workers or DCFS that ought to be garnering our attention. Instead there first needs to be a stop to the over-used rhetoric the county supervisors always spout about investigations and new policies.

This time, we hear from county board's newest supervisor, Mark Ridley-Thomas, who wants to know, "Who stepped forward to save this child?"

And of course he goes on, as one of them always will, to call for an appointment of an independent investigator charged with reviewing all the details and uncovering the system breakdown.

After stopping this nonsense, as members of the public, we need to stop talking amongst ourselves about how shameful these deaths are, and instead we need to flood the supervisors' telephone lines and e-mail accounts with messages demanding change, excellence and accountability.

Think about it: It's our tax dollars that pay to keep this murderous system running.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

A SOCIAL SECURITY PRIMA DONNA

2009-07-25 22:51:03

CHILDREN in the foster care system have a tough row to hoe. And if they are involved with the Social Security Administration, the plot thickens. Their troubles aren't just with the Department of Children and Family Services who have removed them from their families.

Foster children, all too often, are mistreated by far too many people who are supposed to be providing them services and also by members of the general public who quite often seem to think these kids don't qualify as real people.

"I thought she was your foster daughter," I've had people say to me regarding some program I've decided to enroll my Brandi in.

"Wow, you treat her just like your own kid," other people have exclaimed.

"What are you here for?" demanded the female doctor who was to examine Brandi for her SSI claim.

"Who sent you and why?" she continued after announcing Brandi had scored high on sections of the psychological examination she had just administered.

Well, I didn't know why I was there other than Social Security said it needed more information. But saying this just wasn't enough for Ms. Examiner, who proceeded to call me a prima donna and tell me she had several degrees in art and in spite of my attitude she was willing to help us.

Attitude? Well, after Brandi was in the examination room for over two hours I inquired as to when the exam would be completed so I could leave and return to pick her up.

"I'm not used to working with people like you," I was told, and then came the big question: "What do you want for this child, anyway?"

Answering was simple. "I want the best for her. She will complete college and pursue her life dream."

Then came the bombshell: "She says she wants to be an animator but there is a recession going on and she really needs to first think about becoming an architect."

But Ms. Examiner had early on while discussing Brandi's high-ranking areas on the examination let it be known that the child had not done well in math.

Well, from architecture she shuffled the tirade to Brandi becoming a "colorist," and Brandi, she said, could take an interior design course at UCLA.

But animator, who did we think we were?

Well, prima donna I'm not, but adamant I am. While there is nothing wrong with trade schools, where Ms. Examiner also suggested Brandi enroll, as a family we've made our own assessment of which road our young lady shall travel in order to recognize her life dream.

Should Brandi's dream be any less attainable because she's a former foster kid? Should it be out of reach because she has psychological issues?

Meet Brandi - the foster part can officially be dropped, because she aged out of the system when she became 18 years old - as a guest on "Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith," live, PCAC Charter channel 56, Wednesday, July 29, noon to 1:00 p.m.

She'll be talking about her art and her higher aspirations. You be the judge: Should she aim for a lower rung on the ladder of success?

Yes, I'm ready for the Social Security appeal process, as I've been through this kind of nonsense before and quite clearly understand that the power of approving or denying a claim lies in the hands of Ms. Examiner.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

THE STAPLES CENTER - WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY SPENT?

2009-07-07 23:23:06

I’ve been telling the kid in my household the American economy is in a downward spiral and everything we do and don't do, nowadays, will represent this fact of life.

She tries to understand.

On a daily basis, there are issues covered by the media that support what I’ve been preaching, and for the families my non-profit organization works with who have lost jobs, who have had to move in with relatives because they've lost homes and who have been forced to feed their children by lining up at soup kitchens, they don't need news coverage to help them with reality.

In the midst of this financial downturn we have “Remembering Michael Jackson,” the Los Angeles Staples Center super colossal event.

All that money - the taxpayers', the Jackson family's and wherever other funds came from is just astounding.

Will the talking heads who represent the worldwide media outlets that covered this massive display of money call this as it is? Or will they conjure up the explanation that their coverage and the millions of dollars spent are simply a response to public emotion and demand?

Calling it for what it is won’t be easy.

That Michael Jackson was loved for his talent and for his contribution to the entertainment industry is indisputable. From all over the world his fans came to Los Angeles by the thousands for the purpose of saying goodbye to an icon.

The Andre Crouch Gospel Choir singing "Going to See the King," and the opening words of Rev. Lucious Smith of Pasadena's oldest African-American church, Friendship Baptist, set this truly remarkable and well-arranged Hollywood production into a funeral mode.

Complaints? What about the money spent?
Criticism? But it was a respectful, well planed and well executed event.

But my last week’s newspaper column on the King of Pop’s death drew criticism from many readers because I said for my young African-American children who grew up in the `70s, Michael Jackson was their Barack Obama. This was true for many young African-Americans of that era.

But now, for my youngest daughter who has come of age with the historical election of an African-American president of the United States of America, who attended that presidential inauguration, this "Remembering Michael Jackson" event has indeed amplified another aspect of the historical significance of who her people are.

The homeless? The foreclosed homes just down the street and around the corner from where so many of us live? The constantly climbing jobless rate? The tight budgets so many of us have been forced to put in place?

The reality in life is that entertainment is something completely different from our day-to-day grind.

Entertainment is the chance to pack up our troubles and leave the worries behind.

Was the Michael Jackson Remembrance worth the money spent? Should the dollars have been given to homeless shelters, soup kitchens and individuals who are in foreclosure?

For the critics, I ask, what other kind of memorial would have been fit for the King of Pop? What other kind of event should have been televised around the world?

Was the remembrance entertainment or was it the traditional final farewell?

Maybe it was a little of both, but for those few hours at The Staples Center, those who watched most probably weren’t thinking about their current economic status.

People got to pack up their troubles, put away somewhere and join in the celebration of Michael Jackson’s life.

As my budget-conscious teenager said about the Obama inauguration that we attended back in January, "What a great big show with a budget I don't know how to figure out. But anyway, are we paying for it?"

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

MICHAEL JACKSON KING -WHAT ABOUT POP?

2009-07-05 10:23:35

WHILE many folks feel we've had more than too much of the Michael Jackson coverage, with all aspects of the King of Pop's life being repeatedly pored over by the media, I'm pretty much like so many people I’ve heard from who are awaiting the somebody who will put an end to the shameful reporting, mainly speculation, regarding the biological origin of the man's children.

Often when a person dies, no matter how awful the deeds they may have committed during their lifetime, there seems always to be a grace period where all we hear is the good.

This kind of grace period has prompted many a joke. In my family, the one that passes down through the generations is about the widow who, with her children, sat in the first row of pews in the small Baptist church listening to her late husband's eulogy.

By the time the presenter had spent a good 15 minutes preaching, the mother nudged one of her sons and whispered, "Willie, Willie, tip up there and see if that's yo’ daddy in that casket."

No such eulogies being delivered on this deathwatch by news people eager to uncover any clue that might help them show that Jackson doesn't truly have any little Willies.

Most of us have heard more Baby Mama and Baby Daddy dramas then we actually want to admit to, and for all of them that we're acquainted with, the bottom line is always the same: It is the children who suffer.

The media needs to leave the children out of their witch hunt.

I don't believe Prince Michael, Paris and Prince Michael II, who is also known as Blanket, are following news reports and are now saddened and troubled because they've learned that Michael Jackson may not be their dad.

But I do believe there are multitudes of children throughout the world who have believed one person was their biological father when in reality it was only mom who knew the real truth to be otherwise.

All children deserve respect - they are not responsible for the deeds of their parents.

I don't believe the public's right to know trumps the Jackson children's right to privacy. I do believe Jackson's mother, who may well be the person to have permanent custody of these children, is the person with the responsibility, when and if she determines it should be done, to tell them of circumstances surrounding their birth.

How dare members of the media take it upon themselves to work at uncovering that which is not news but is instead hurtful and damaging to the innocent?

Is Michael Jackson really the pop? Did Debbie Rowe, the alleged mother of Michael's two oldest children, undergo artificial insemination? Was the sperm donor her old boss, Michael's dermatologist? If Jackson wasn't the biological father, shouldn't he have legally adopted these kids? Do the kids look anything like African-American people are part of their ancestry? Does the public really have a right to know?

It doesn't matter how these questions are answered. We can look around and find lots of families and raise lots of questions about them. But we don't do that because it isn't our business.

And the media? It isn't their business, either.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

JACKSON WAS OUR BARACK OBAMA OF THE 70's

2009-06-26 23:54:27

Seems just about everyone has something to say about the death of Michael Jackson.

Not only does everyone have something to say, but we are also being fed first-hand accounts from his fans as to how they came to love Michael and follow his every move.

While few have been able to conquer the young man's moves, we've all, young and old, black and white, marveled at how a body could do what this super talent did with his.

Like the others, I'm going to add my story to the list of tales being told.

The Jackson Five was how my children came to meet Michael. Well, not personal or up close, but close enough, because we decided the dynamic kid with his kinky hair combed high on his head looked pretty much like our 3-year-old Pia.

Living in the UCLA Married Student Housing during the 70s, there weren't many around who looked like us. And there were even fewer who looked like our baby girl who, while she probably didn't look like Michael, but her hair sure did.

So when the kids in our courtyard would ask Pia about her hair - back then there weren't too many little kids with piled high kinky locks called a natural - we told her to answer, "I'm like Michael Jackson."

Those were the days. The Jackson Five days. My son, Paul, even had one of those vests like the famous brothers wore with the extra-long fringe at the bottom hemline. Paul's was purple suede with really, really long pieces hanging from the waist to the bottom hemline.

The Jackson Five were just about everywhere we went. Or maybe we went anywhere we could find them. Way beyond my slim budget, I scrimped on other things and bought box seats at the Hollywood Bowl and took all of my five kids to see the young group.

Then there was Africa.

The lyrics, "A, B, C, 1, 2, 3, you and me," blasted off the 45 rpm record at a home in Accra, Ghana when, with my oldest daughter and I visited there in 1972.

The hospitable young teenager, in an effort to entertain my daughter when we had been invited to her home for dinner, asked what records Pamela would like to hear.

Pamela, being equally as well mannered, said it didn't really matter and the choice should be that of our host. But later she told me she was prepared to hear that "awful African Highlife music" she hated.

What words filled that living room so way across the world on another continent? "It's easy as 1, 2, 3, that's how easy love can be." It was the Jackson's "ABC," spinning on the record players so very far from home.

But just like a typical American in a foreign land, my astonished daughter said, "But just how did you get that? How do you know about the Jackson Five?"

He was just a kid and Michael Jackson with his unbelievable talent was breaking boundaries and creating magic. Michael was, for my children, the Barack Obama of the `70s. We smiled when we saw him. We danced to his melodies and he made us proud to be who we were. And for my youngest little girl, Pia, it made her hairstyle the best one in the sand box over there in the UCLA Married Student Apartments on Sepulveda in West Los Angeles.

While our box seats so long ago at the Hollywood Bowl don’t equal our very recent standing on our feet for hours at Obama's inauguration, young Michael Jackson was a source of pride who sent my children the message: "You can do it."

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

2009-06-20 21:15:47

My daughter Brandi wanted to know if she would still have chores now that she had graduated from high school and would be attending college.

I was astounded. Pretty much knocked off my feet. It was Art Linkletter, from days gone by, who wrote the book "Kids Say The Darndest Things," but I'm sure every parent could fill the pages of their own publication with the mutterings of their offspring.

I have found one of the best ways to answer a great majority of the questions thrown at me by the teenager in my household is to give it right back at her. Sometime she is really seeking vital information and that deserves a direct response. "When are we leaving for the airport?" Other times, the question is an out-and-out stall: "What do you mean, clean my room?"

Straight from the heart came the chores and college inquiry. A direct answer couldn't fit this scenario nor could the silent treatment I'm known to administer on the stall-for-time-and-annoy-you questions.

My young graduate got an answer straight from the heart and a very caring parental soul. Actually, the wishful young damsel got my back-at-ya response.

"Will you still be wearing clothes when you trot of f to Pasadena City College to major in your beloved art? Will those clothes need to be washed, dried, folded and put away? If the answer is no, than that's one chore you can cross off the list."

Then of course there was the subject of meals. "Will you expect to have clean dishes and eating utensils to eat with and clean pots and pans to cook the food? I didn't bother with the "if" part on this one because there's always those fast-food places and Arco gas stations for kids to stop at and stock up on junk stuff. I purposely didn't include the part of buying food.

If you're the parent of a teenager, you already know how cautious you've got to be in this type of conversation, because teenage minds are alert, poised and trained to jump ahead and win the game.

But Brandi was getting the picture that chores come with life and there's really no escape. However, I wasn't quite through, yet.

"If you weren't living at home but had your own apartment or dorm room, please list for me what you'd need to do in order to keep the rats and roaches from sharing your living quarters."

She actually made a comprehensive list and in a very pleasant voice said, "OK, I get the picture." Being the artist that she is, she had actually sketched out the kind of housekeeping that would attract the vermin.

While she had paper and pencil in hand I had just one more "chore" for her. She had to complete the list of people at PCC she needed to contact for appointments and she would need to call them. She was also given the list of her medical team that she had to schedule summertime appointments with.

In the days that followed she began making phone calls and when asked whom she had reached, her response was, "I hung up `cause the lines were busy or they put me on hold without even saying hello!"

Well, Ms. Brandi, welcome to the real world. And for every parent with a wishful graduate, enjoy helping him or her cross over.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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LAPD DETECTIVE STEPHANIE LAZARUS - GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER?

2009-06-14 00:59:06

THE recent arrest of veteran LAPD Detective Stephanie Lazarus for the 1986 murder of Sherri Rasmussen on the surface doesn't have anything to do with parenting.

But these days, in just about every hot news story that hits the airwaves and printed pages, there exists a golden opportunity to preach the gospel to the kids we're in charge of raising, and this cold-case story offers up a whole lot of conversation.

As a youngster, when my parents confronted me for one of my many wrongful deeds, they frequently felt compelled to start their too-long lecture with, "You probably thought you'd gotten away with murder - but not in this house!"

I hadn't pulled a trigger or bludgeoned anyone to death, as Lazarus is accused of doing, but my folks were busy establishing notice that deeds don't go undetected and while all of the evidence may not have been available to them at the time of my misstep, time would prove to be the condemning factor.

"Ugh, she's a sicko," remarked my teenager as we watched news coverage of Lazarus appearing in court wearing her orange jail suit.

"Why would she do something so mean and, yeah, she thought she got away with it," said my teenager, who wasn't looking for an answer and who was probably hoping I wouldn't offer up some conversation on murdering one's romantic rival.

While it appears there are many factors contributing to Lazarus allegedly getting away with murdering her ex-boyfriend's wife,
Sherri, the story also has many lessons worth preaching about. But for me, the sermon is this: Time is the condemning factor, but jealousy and rivalry both offer the opportunity for serious discussion.

Cheating on the history exam may not be detected when the test is taken, but what did the student get away with when it came to knowing the subject matter?

Parents work to help their children recognize there is so much more to the game than winning, more to the class than having the grade they didn't earn and, as authorities allege in the case of Detective Lazarus, a better way to life than killing off the competition.

Remember Tonya Harding, the figure skater who in 1994 conspired, just before the Olympic Winter Games, to have someone injure skater Nancy Kerrigan so she couldn't compete? Harding got her comeuppance when she was banned for life by The U.S. Figure Skating Association.

Jealousy and rivalry seem to be imbedded in this column no matter how hard I stress the lesson of time being the condemning factor.

I admit both can cause anti-social actions, but, parents, when it comes to delivering the important lesson of "do wrong and you'll be caught in the long run," we're preaching about more than these two factors.

Cheating on the history exam has little to do with either of these. In my book, they have more to do with the desire to do wrong and get away with it.

I think it helps our young people understand more than just the difference between right and wrong when we promise them they aren't going to get away with murder in our house or in the broader society.

link to full story on this cold-case arrest.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090610/ap_on_re_us/us_detective_killing

_______________________________________________________________________________

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

NOT READY FOR ADULTHOOD

2009-06-07 06:57:26

WE just might just have to go kinda easy on the June 2009 high school graduates, especially those who no one told the 12 years they just completed were part of their prep course for the real world.

Say what? A prep course? No such description was attached to any course listed on the page the counselors gave out for graduation requirements nor did enough families set the stage for the play's next act - alleged adulthood.

In too many homes across America, parents are working with (or maybe working against) teenagers who've become 18, are graduating and mistakenly believe they are ready to hit the road as functioning adults. This myth is something our kids have bought into as society has brought them up on such kinda propaganda.

Graduating from high school is, indeed, an important milestone for young people's journey through life, but this rite of passage, not much different to the pageantry of blowing out the 18 candles on a birthday cake, won't help balance the checkbook, pay the rent, buy food, make a budget or hold on to the money earned from one payday to the next one.

Today's graduates need to wake up. Their parents really need to help them understand magic dust has not been sprinkled upon them.

Getting Julio, John and Jamaal a car as a gift for 12 years of mediocre grades, numerous days of cutting class and disobeying household rules isn't helping the graduate face adulthood.

Kids may skim through high school and still get the rewards from well-meaning parents but real life doesn't play the I-love-you-so-you-can-do-no-wrong game.

Adulthood tells all of us if we don't earn it we don't get it. Try going in late on the first day of work. The story I know is of the young man who'd been hired as a security guard who showed up at 9 instead of 8, the time he'd been told to report for duty. He was fired on the spot.

School didn't teach him that lesson because when he was late teachers simply marked him tardy. And while his parents say they attempted to instill the habit of punctuality, it took his getting fired for him to understand, as the parents said, "Life don't play."

Sharon, who graduated with the class of 2008, turned 18 and got her own bank account. She knew how to endorse a check and quickly learned the routine of filing out deposit slips and using her ATM card.

But this young lady didn't know anything about spending more than was deposited and knew even less when it came to the bank charges that were continually debited against her account. Her parents stepped in only when a huge portion of Sharon's money for college had been thoroughly misappropriated.

Her parents demanded she explain herself. Unfortunately Sharon couldn't demand that time be rolled back to those years when she was never taught how to make and live by a budget, how to balance a checkbook and how to set priorities.

Was this lack of education and preparation for life on the adult side of the line the fault of Sharon's years of attending public schools? Not in my book.

Parents of our unprepared graduates, 18 or whatever age, just might want to corner the young adult they've raised and set to working on that expired 12-year plan.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

LIFE WITH AND WITHOUT "BABY-BOY"

2009-05-31 08:00:42

"If you can't beat `em, join em." This old saying has been around long enough to have worn itself weary, but not so according to one parent with an unruly young man in her household.

Teenagers, explained this troubled mom, have a mind of their own and a parent's best way to keep the peace is to let young people, once they come of age, have the final say in all matters so they can follow the direction of their choosing.

Sometime, often times, it's wearisome talking with a parent who, pardon the use of a worn thin idiom, "Can't see the light of day."

But this mom, who was only 13 when she had her son, who is now the magic age of 18, probably doesn't stand alone in believing that keeping the peace with an unruly kid is the major thrust of parenting responsibilities.

The simple breakdown to a peacekeeping concept pertaining to a kid of any age means only one thing - allowing them to be in charge.

Can we expect teenagers to walk the line if they were never required to do so as toddlers? While the limits change over time, if the concept of boundaries, limits and responsibilities aren't presented early on and instead young folk are left to determine what's best for them, we'll have exactly what the troubled mom called for - kids following the direction of their choosing.

Children most certainly do have a mind of their own and at an early age they can be found demanding from those of us who are supposed to be in charge that we step aside to allow tantrums and other manipulative behavior rule the household.

"My house. My rules." Yes, the troubled mom said she'd heard this silliness and she called it silly because it didn't have anything to do with her own set of circumstances.

"I'm a single mom," she said to me with an attitude that suggested this lessened her responsibility for raising a kid who could understand that society expected him to recognize boundaries, limits and guidelines.

And mom also spent a bit of time attempting to convince me that raising a kid when you're 13 means it's really no more than having a younger sister or brother that you hang out with.

Baby-Boy, the family nickname for Mr. Unruly, was never made to pick-up his toys when he was little. When he grew older, he was not given any household responsibilities. He never had rules, limits or guidelines.

And when he stopped going to school in the 10th grade, he was allowed to just do whatever he pleased.

I'm not sure exactly how prison routines work, but I know Baby-Boy will have to walk the line. I can't predict what the judge will say when it's time for sentencing but I'm quite certain the person in the judicial robe isn't going to consider how best to keep the peace.

Troubled Mom says she can't imagine life with her Baby-Boy behind bars.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

AMERICA'S KILLING FIELDS

2009-05-23 23:33:42

The names? Can't remember. Doesn't so much matter, anyway, because there are so many and by the time this column gets into print there will be many more added to the list.

Where did it happen? That doesn't matter so much, either, because it happens everywhere and by the time you read this a street corner in another city somewhere across America will bare witness to the on-going slaughter.

At every crime scene there'll be a make-shift memorial with stuffed animals, flowers, candles and pictures of the victim - a vibrant and smiling very young black man.

Sometime the victim will be presented to us in his evening best - maybe it is a rental, it being a recent photo from his high school prom.

Another scene will provide the on-lookers photos of the young black male victim in livelier days standing with his "homies' flashing gang signs.

News reporters at the crime scene operate from the same script - no matter which city. No matter which victim. No matter which makeshift memorial is in the background.

The public is fed weeping testimonials from relatives - mom, if they can get her on camera. Then there are the voices from the community, people who are fed up with the violence in the neighborhood demanding something be done.

Are the men who pull the trigger, whether police officers, rival gang members or just dummes with a gun, part of a widespread fraudulent insurance scheme?

"My baby was just standin' at the bus stop and they shot him dead," says one tearful mom.

Another one, not tearful at all, swinging her umbrella at reporters in front of a courthouse, yells and screams, "My boy didn't do it!"

Who did do it?

And who are we expecting to clean up our American killing fields?

The feds busted up organized crime, didn't they? I remember being glued to our 1950s television screen watching Elliot Ness and the "Untouchables" clean up cities all across America.

Most surely, states now have commissions that are charged with studying the problem and making recommendations.

At the local level, mayors hold press conferences regarding the positive direction their forces are moving in, while the next news segment provides us with yet another dead body.

The community activists, though they march and demand something be done, don't actually seem to know what to do.

Then there are the weeping relatives of the victims and the belligerent relatives of the perpetrators of the crime.

The media needs to stop parading the grieving families before the cameras, since most of them don't realize they are not obligated to provide interviews.

And the killers? There used to be a community service ad that said, "Use a gun - go to jail." That doesn't mean much these days. So how about: "Your kid uses a gun - you, too, go to jail."

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

NOT A BAD IDEA!

2009-05-17 00:13:11

MARIAM said money was short in her household. So short, she said, that planning, shopping and preparing meals had become classified as drudgery.

The good stuff just doesn't get into her shopping cart anymore and so Mariam decided something had to change. Something had to give she decided. But not being in charge of her hourly pay nor having any say when it came to the upward spiraling prices at the grocery store, Mariam took the matter to those who really were in charge of where the household money went.

Not a bad idea as the members of her household were more than willing to take a look at the big picture and offer up suggestions that would make the little picture more palatable. But was mom really willing to sit everybody down to talk about the budget and then listen to recommendations coming from the kids?

Uh, no. Mariam wasn't as willing as the kids were. Her hesitation is somewhat understandable as listening to the kids when it comes to household spending wouldn't have made its way to a list of things to be considered in days gone by.

But why not listen to the kids?

There's nothing to lose since a bulk of what we spend has something to do with both our little and not so little crumb snatchers.

Cath Hogwarth, teacher at the Temple City Education Center, knows listening to young folks has a lot of merit. Believing in her students and always stressing that they do have power, and, in particular, that there is power in the pen, she sent me copies of her students' papers that were written with a focus on the economy. The following are excerpts from some of the papers:

Fourth-grader Casey Wong suggests among other things that kids "don't beg parents to buy this or buy that." Wong goes on to say, "Our parents have to save money."

Christina Guo wants kids to stop using money on brand-name clothing. Grace Xian thinks we should stop using our cars so much and should make a list of where we need to go so the car would only have to be used once.

Raymond Leong takes the car savings idea a step further, "You can save gas by using a bike or by walking and that can save a lot of money," he says. "And can make the merchants lower the price of gas."

Gefen Wang writes, "If you're tired of the same lunch over and over again, just tell your mom or dad that you want to eat something else. The more you waste, the dirtier the Earth gets."

Lu Jiang says, "Not wasting is a way to save money. A person can waste a lot of things in just one day. We can waste food. Supplies that are not completely used can be reused in many ways. Some paper can be used for crafts. Some clothes can be donated for people who have lost their jobs."

And there's this from Jefferson B. Dai, one of Hogwarth's seventh-grade students: "My fellow countrymen, we'll have to do things such as ... help each other out. Why help out one another? The answer is this: If we fight among ourselves, we all lose. If we support one another, we will stand victorious."

A long time ago, Art Linkletter told us "Kids say the darndest things." And year after year, our little darlings prove him right.

Mariam and those by all other names stand to benefit by following Hogwarth's lead in getting children to offer up money-saving suggestions and then putting the suggestions into practice.

This blog can be found in our column section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and for further information.

MOM'S DAY BRUNCH OR WORLD PEACE

2009-05-10 08:56:24

This piece isn't going to be anywhere near what's generally written about Mother's Day celebrations. While mom often expects to receive presents and special treatment, this year, with an economy producing new horror stories by the day, a slightly different approach for us all just might be in order.

Will moms appreciate what I have to say? Will those who feel compelled to shower us with gifts take me to task? I suspect the answer to both questions to be a resounding yes.

But I also expect that after a few days, this predicted reaction from readers would give way to some additional thought about the matter.

There's a lot of folk who plain don't have the money they used to have and while they may still have an active credit card or two, good sense is screaming out in a loud reminder that's saying, "Don't do it - not this year."

What about those who will claim they can't let go, even though they can't afford the traditional gathering at mom's favorite restaurant to gobble up the good stuff?

Maybe folks ought to try asking mom what her advice is when the going gets tough. Depending on her age, I suspect she's got some sage advice. Better yet, try asking Granma what she's got to say about credit card spending and going out to dinner when the next paycheck isn't guaranteed.

I suspect the gray-haired lady has plenty of chatter on this matter.

"Credit cards?" she's apt to screech and then launch into a story about revolving credit at the department store where you had to pay the entire balance when the statement came due and how not even Clifton's Cafeteria in downtown Los Angeles had such a thing as a credit card, even though it had a program to feed the poor.

Granny also knew a whole lot about living within one's means. But then who wants to listen to old folks when they talk that old-time stuff?

And old-time stuff can take us way back to 1870 with the country's first Mother's Day celebration, which was initiated by Julia Ward Howe. While it was about celebrating motherhood, it also focused on world peace.

A lot has changed since the 19th century. While we've all helped tomorrow's holiday become a $14 billion industry, our current economic realities just might lead us back to the good old days.

Actually we haven't strayed that far in the 139 years since Howe got things going, because world peace is as elusive now as it was then. Back in 1870, history tells us Howe wanted mothers to protest the killing of each other's sons.

This Mother's Day, as they've done for so many others, Code Pink, a women's peace group, will hold activities across the country calling for our troops to come home from Afghanistan and Iraq "so that no more mothers will suffer the unbearable grief of losing a child to these wars."

In Washington, D.C Code Pink will bind knitted squares, made by women across the country, to form a quilt with the message "We will not raise our children to kill another mother's child" and string it on the White House fence. Then they'll circle the White House in a children's march for peace.

With our troublesome economy, perhaps former gift givers and the recipients can now put their focus on life - what I really believe is most important to all mothers. Where's the mother who wouldn't trade a present and an out-to-dinner treat for the life of a child - even if the economy was rocking?

Learn more about Code Pink by visiting www.codepinkalert.org/

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further details.

LA COUNTY DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILY SERVICES WITH MORE DEAD CHILDREN

2009-04-26 08:03:40

WHILE most of my e-mail "alerts" or "be sure to read" messages over the past week have focused on the recently released government memos authorizing torture tactics that were previously denied by the Bush administration, there was one article among the many that brought the issue of torture much closer to home.

While public conversation has pretty much centered on whether the Obama administration should or will prosecute those who committed the harsh interrogation tactics including water boarding against suspected terrorists, where's the dialogue and/or outrage concerning the deaths of 14 abused children as reported this week by Los Angeles Times writers Garrett Therolf and Kim Christensen?

Not a peep on my end of things.

Have we locals become so accustomed to our Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services helping to provide funeral homes with small bodies that the recent revelations are just another ho-hum matter?

According to the story, the young children, many under the age of 2, who died last year of abuse and neglect, came from families who had been reported to the Department of Children and Family Services multiple times and had been investigated by them.

A few slip through the cracks is what we've pretty much heard in years gone by when these things comes to light. But not exactly the answer we're getting this time around. Trish Ploehn, director of the Family Services Department, says the county's review of child-death cases has been insufficient in recent years and that the suggested reforms did not take place.

Ploehn says, among other things, a better computer system would assist social workers in accessing from other departments, mental and other health-related information regarding the family.

What happens to relatives, friends or neighbors who call the department to report the baby didn't really fall down the stairs like mom said she did?

When the babysitter discovers burns on the toddler's buttocks and mom says it's just a rash, what's the sitter supposed to do? Who is the sitter supposed to call for help?

Don't let me be misleading because the department sometimes does answer the call, as in the case of one 2-year-old girl who died last year weighing only 18 pounds, 7 ounces, who had been in foster care but was placed back with her family and visited by a social worker only two months before her death from severe nutritional neglect.

The question shouldn't be who to call for help but instead let's ask why when we call the designated department they don't do their job.

A better computer system most surely wasn't needed in the case of the 2-year-old who starved to death topping the scales at what 5- or 6-month-old babies normally weigh.

Is there really some kind of correlation between children dying when they should have been under the watchful eye of the Department of Children and Family Services and that of the Bush administration, figuring they could institute whatever interrogation tactics they wanted?

You betcha! The Bush folk figured they could do what they wanted with no repercussions. And maybe there won't be any in the long or short run.

And the Los Angeles County DCFS figures the kids are dead and most likely, based on past experience, there won't be any repercussions that amount to very much - either in the long or the short run.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further details.

CATHOLIC PRIEST AND CHRISTIAN GIRLS

2009-04-18 22:50:39

There's nothing much to be said about the horrific kidnap, rape and murder of 8-year-old Sandra Cantu that hasn't already been said and whatever hasn't been verbalized has most certainly crossed most of our minds. We are all saddened and many of us can't really talk, at length, about this crime because we are so troubled.

We keep shaking our heads in disbelief and quietly ask ourselves how could 28 year-old Melissa Huckaby, the accused killer and mother of Sandra's playmate, commit such a heinous act.

Sandra disappeared March 27 and her body was found weeks later stuffed into a trunk floating on a pond which was only a few blocks away from her own home and also near the accused killer's home where the young victim often went to play.

Huckaby has said the death was an accident.

While people we talk to are troubled, most have mustered up enough energy to say answer this piece of nonsense by saying, "Not hardly."

Friends and family of the accused continually report being in shock because this criminal act is so out of character for the kind and loving person they know whose behavior they say has always been quite ordinary.

Huckaby's behavior was probably not classified by those who've been close to her as out of the ordinary simply because ordinary is what they wanted to see.

As friends, and in particular, as family we have an unspoken obligation to closely observe the behaviors of those we are close to.

We should not pretend all is well when we see signs that point to trouble as trouble has a very long history and very dependable habit of not going away.

Huckaby's life, growing up in a Christian environment and now being a volunteer Sunday school teacher in her grandfather's church, doesn't give her family the right to excuse the misdeeds she has committed along life's way nor does it give them the right to turn a blind eye to signs of problems.

Not too many people are willing to entertain the thought that prior to the kidnap, rape and murder of Sandra, Melissa Huckaby was living the ordinary life her friends and family attest to.

Just because Huckaby was attractive, as her teenage pictures portray and because she performed as a cheerleader for her high school doesn't mean there weren't instances of questionable antics. But too many families allow cute children, especially girls, to get away with more than the law allows.

And society, in strange ways, supports the ignoring of many anti-social behaviors and mental health symptoms by fostering a climate where our lives are judged by what's expected of us and that's determined, all too often, by how we look and by our place in the community. A cute Christian girl isn't thought to be one gone wrong. Melissa Huckaby isn't known, now, just by her name but instead she's known as Melissa Huckaby the Sunday school teacher.

Why didn't Huckaby follow through with the mental health intervention ordered by the court as a result of her recent brush with the law relating to shoplifting at a Target store? I would venture to guess this was not the first time some kind of mental health intervention caught the family's attention but was ignored. Afterall, she was cute and she was a Christian.

But things have changed for the family and when things go wrong with any child we have raised, we all ask ourselves the same troubling question: "Where did we go wrong?

And the answers for this family are not to be found in Melissa Huckaby's claim that her alleged crimes of kidnap, rape and murder were an accident. Instead, the family needs to take a close look at their bible and note it doesn't proclaim those who are attractive and Christian can do no evil, as it also doesn't teach Catholic priests will not molest little boys.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the channel 56 logo for streaming. See our calendar listing for show guest and further details.

"A KNOWN TROUBLEMAKER!"

2009-04-04 18:29:02

   “That woman Shirlee Smith is a known troublemaker,” said the woman who was sitting at the table next to mine. It was a loud stage whisper, which was, I suspect, intended to be a quiet piece of information aimed to enlighten her companion who was perched in the seat next to her.
    If, before I left home that morning, I hadn’t practiced being on my best behavior, I would have turned around, given Ms a friendly smile, raised my fist in a black power salute and said,   “Right on Sister and power to the people.”
   Troublemaker? I hadn’t heard that one since my early days in Pasadena, back in 1967, when the PTA at Washington Elementary School wanted to know why I wore my hair in a natural/afro and referred to Negroes as African Americans.
    Fortunately for all concerned, I missed the meeting where I was listed on the agenda under new business.
    In defense of the lady at the next table and of the PTA members, my mother, Bernice Smiley, who, as a resident at Scripps Home in Altadena, told me that on the days my column appeared in the newspaper she would miss going to breakfast because she didn’t know what “trouble” I was stirring up for the day and she might be uncomfortable sitting at the table while the other senior residents had read what I was “lighting into” that day.
   My mother’s husband, even on his sick bed, provided lectures to me all based upon his, as he put it, concern for my safety and well-being because I didn’t know how to “make nice.”
    However, my father, Eugene Pickett, never seemed to have a problem with my behavior. Maybe that’s because we were born under the same lunar sign and rather than me being trouble my father simply understood Capricorns.
   My column last week on military recruiters in the schools brought many a reader to send me their views on the issue. One reader said I was a racist with a chip on my shoulder for writing that recruiters targeted African Americans and Latinos.
    If my mother had had her way with things, I’d be the person she tried to mold me into and that means I would behave quite properly for the public as my older sister has always done.
    Nobody has ever called her, the eldest of the Pickett daughters, a troublemaker. She may well have been labeled racist since, back in the day, she wore an “afro” and had a boyfriend who sported a black leather jacket, as did Huey Newton’s Black Panthers.
   No apologies offered, here. I am who I am. Racist? Not hardly. Troublemaker? A resounding yes, if it means I stir things up, make people uncomfortable with the way things are, say what a lot of folks are thinking but don’t say and that I proceed regardless of public opinion.
    I assure you my mother put her best into raising responsible children but I don’t think she ever came to realize she wasn’t responsible for my views on society. But then maybe she had a bigger hand in it then I realized before now because she and my father stressed compassion, honesty and individuality.
   I suspect the problem with my views on society that disturb so many people is not that I take a position that isn't nice, that isn't what they want to hear or consider but, instead, it is that I have wrangled my way into a position that gives me a platform to express them.

his blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
            http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

MILITARY RECRUITERS? AFGHANISTAN?

2009-03-29 05:01:46

Is the military, with so many career paths open to graduating seniors, an option families really want their sons or daughters to grab on to?

Families need to know the real story and not just what the all too friendly recruiters tell our kids.

Military recruiters, like college recruiters, have access to students on the high school campus. But unlike the college folk who visit the place, the military recruiters have quotas to fill. And another big difference between these recruiting folk is that the military ones have a specific interest in minority students.

I'll just call her Ms. Williams, as this mother didn't want her name mentioned. Throughout the years, men in her family have served in all of America's wars right down to the current one in Iraq; so she has no qualms about her son marching off to serve his county.

Ms. Williams didn't know anything about the Opt Out Letter she should have received in her son's high school enrollment papers, which if she had received and signed, recruiters would not have been allowed to call her home.

The recruiters did call and for this family it was perfectly fine. Did any college recruiters call? Well, no, but then their son, I was told, never made the kind of grades in school that would get him into the halls of higher learning.

But the recruiters, Ms. Williams said, could bypass all of that making college possible along with other very attractive sign-up bonuses.

Did the recruitment of Ms. Williams' son have anything to do with him being African American? No, she said, because we all need to serve our country.

What about the bodies of our young people being brought back home and unloaded off of military planes in flag-draped coffins?

And as life is these days, Ms. Williams interrupted to remind me with an air of extreme distrust sent my way in her delivery, that President Obama was bringing the troops home from Iraq.

Afghanistan?

That war, Ms. Williams insisted, was a battle being fought by some Afghanistan people called the Taliban who were against women.

Anyway, the family who lived down the street had a son going into the Navy and by doing that he would earn his citizenship.

"Why, Ms. Smith," Ms. Williams asked, "would you even ask these kind of questions when kids, young men especially, have to find something to do with their lives."

As an afterthought she added, "My son is African American and the boy down the street is Mexican."

Irving Gonzales in Houston, like Ms. Williams' son, thought by listening to recruiters, that the military was for him. As reported this past July by Marc Greenblatt, Gonzales signed up for the pre-enlistment program, which allows kids to join without a binding commitment. But when Gonzales, according to reports, changed his mind about being in the military, the DEP (delayed entry program) wasn't exactly how he understood things would be.

Signing up was a lot less complicated than his signing out!

Hear more of what families need to know about military recruitment on Wednesday, April 1, 12 p.m. to 1 p.m., Charter Channel 56, Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith. Also, on the web at www.talkaboutparening.org.

his blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

KCAL 9's PAT HARVEY DEAD WRONG

2009-03-22 11:24:12

Nowadays, with the economy tanking, lots of folk are providing the public with suggestions on how to stay afloat. Turn on television news and on just about every local channel there is a segment on watching your money with investments, car repairs, real estate, credit cards, grocery shopping and meal planning.

I haven't learned much from tuning in because most of what they yack about has either nothing to do with me, I've been there and done that or they are dead wrong on the advice.

It's strange watching the country turn to the life I've lived for more than the number of decades I'm going to put into print.

Investments? Human capital is what I learned growing up and have incorporated into my life style. What's that, and who is my broker? Putting time and deeds into helping others has no monthly tally sheet, but it's what everyone can do whether they have money to set aside or have income that just covers necessities.

I have, as yet, to hear this one on the evening news.

On the car-repair plan, I think they've actually provided viewers with conversation on how to park the money guzzler and ride public transpiration. But what these on-the-spot segments are missing, because the camera and reporter only followed the script, is the personality adjustment that is required when encountering so many of the unsavory characters that inhabit the rails and street routes.

What I've seen tends to cover real estate (as if I'd know) fairly well.

If you've found snags in the coverage, let me know. Conversation about credit cards has told viewers the basics such as paying in full, the charges that have now been put to the consumer and where to go for help. (I'd ask where were these reports over the years when consumers were using plastic as if they had the cash to back their purchases?)

But here's the kicker. Pat Harvey on KCAL 9 News and her giggling co-anchor informed viewers that taking the children grocery shopping with you was a bad idea because the kiddies caused us to spend more money due to their asking for things or putting things into the basket.

Taking the children on the grocery-shopping expedition is one of the best ways to bring the youngsters, no matter what age, into the conversation about money. And what better time for them, if you haven't already introduced them to budgets, menus and shopping list, than now?

What nonsense to perpetuate the concept that "the children would cause you to spend more money!"

Such bad information being given to the public. Here's something useful to say: "We're not going to buy that." Here's another useful one: " Did you bring your own money for that?"

But neither of the phrases will be needed, and of course this depends on the children's age, if you all sit together, plan out the budget, the menus and make a list that follows what's going to be eaten - snack included - and each child can have a list for specific areas of the store.

Does it work? You betcha. Remember, I spent many years raising five kids on food stamps and welfare. None of this is new to me. The grocery store plan teaches many money-management skills, and the best part of the plan means the kids will soon be begging not to go grocery shopping because, as I've heard over the years, "It's no fun!"

Knowing what I know about the bad parenting advice from KCAL 9, I'm now suspicious about the rest of the survival info the news channels are so busy peddling.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

TICKETS AVAILABLE TO HEAR HER EXCELLENCY, ELLEN JOHNSON-SIRLEAF, PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA

2009-03-16 12:11:35

Her Excellency, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, President of Liberia will be speaking in Pasadena on April 8 as part of the Distinguished Speakers Series.

Tickets are only for "Series Subscribers," BUT we managed to secure a limited number of them.

If you're interested in attending, contact by email: shirlee@talkaboutparenting.org

HER EXCELLENCY,ELLEN JOHNSON-SIRLEAF,THE PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA BE COMIN' TO TOWN

2009-03-14 22:35:53

"Where’d you get that from?” is a common enough query, especially if it’s a hot piece of news circulating through the hood.

Now, when it comes to inquiring in a more sophisticated or professional way, the wording changes to “What’s your source?”

In this last scenario, one is expected to provide documentation, reliable references, and, after all of this, the acceptance just might not be forthcoming because some of the sources were third party.

But getting back to the hood – that’s where I come from and that’s where I hear it all. Not to discount the official news wires, but as my late father always said about communication, “There’s the telephone, television and then,"  he said, " there's tell-a-woman.”

My version of the news in the hood is if I hear it once, I’m interested. When I hear it a second time, I know there’s something to the story. When it comes to me a third time, bingo, it’s reliable.

I first got the information from local community activist Jon Brookhart who was born in Liberia. Sounded hot enough that the big-time folk in the city would have the details.
Sometimes, with a piece of information like Brookhart was telling me, details are

A telephone call to U.S. Congressman Adam Schiff’s office here in town didn’t produce the results I needed. Nope, they knew nothing.

Hm, but I know Brookhart to be a reliable source and the folks at Schiff’s office most certainly are as reliable.

Undaunted, I called the office of the Pasadena Mayor but was told there was nothing on the calendar,

Joe Hopkins, publisher of the Pasadena Journal, was the next source. Success, yes.    He’d heard and knew a small detail because his wife, Ruth, is a sorority sister of the visiting dignitary, and her organization is possibly putting on a reception.

As I tell everyone, don’t discount sources in the hood. The only thing missing at this point was the when.

The final source proved my dad’s formula of ” tell-a-woman."    I contacted my sister in New York who formerly served as Peace Corp Director in Liberia and is, like Brookhart, pretty much in the know and in contact with folks back on the continent and their representatives who are here in the states.

Originally I was thinking the visit would be this month, which is Women’s History Month. Well, no, the words coming from the Liberian Embassy in Washington D.C., passed on to me by my sister, are that the official visit is in April with no details just yet.

Her Excellency, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, the President of Liberia, will, indeed, be visiting in Pasadena.

Apparently the big-time folk don’t get the news any too early, but we little folks in the hood have most definitely been trained to keep our ears to the wind.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
            http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT ON THE FREE THROW LINE

2009-03-06 22:06:35

ONCE again top folk in the Pasadena Unified School District are scratching heads and adjusting their game plan to give the public some measure of understanding.

This time it's about how or why 42 percent of freshmen at Pasadena High School are failing in at least one class, 57 percent of freshmen at Blair IB Magnet in southwest Pasadena also have at least one F and how John Muir High School came in with 54 percent of the class having the same lack of learning going on.

The bright light in all of this is Marshall Fundamental High School coming in on the low end of the shameful pattern with only 18 percent of freshmen getting an F grade in at least one class.

According to news reports, our superintendent of schools, Edwin Diaz, says the high count of these failing freshmen were higher than he had expected. With this said, it now looks like he plans to discuss the issue with those in charge of high schools and see about some possible solutions.

In a recent Pasadena Star-News article, Diaz said, "I'm going to share this with our staff so we can assess what are the steps we need to take."

This kind of commentary is pretty hard to stomach. The man's cavalier attitude is beyond shameful given that $1.3 million went into creating a Freshman Success Academy at John Muir that focused, in part, on small classes being held in a separate building and specially developed remedial studies.

What might Diaz have in mind? What steps might we contemplate that he's going to take with his commitment to turn the situation around?

Well, I didn't read the word commitment in the article but I'm suspecting that's what he wanted the public to believe.

It's mighty hard for me to think our school district is going to improve the life of failing students. It doesn't take only my experience with them over the past 45 years to be doubtful.

How can you have faith when head folks allocate $1.3 million for a program but the failure rate among the students they created it for, according to officials, didn't change from the same grading period the year before?

But the district is not alone in baring responsibility for failing students and since Diaz is looking into the steps needed to be taken, somebody ought to pull his coattail and tell him behind every failing student there is a parent not quite doing their job.

High schools and high school classrooms are far from the learning arenas of yesteryear. Those in the work place who are in charge of educating our youth face a challenge that's not easy to describe.

I know about the classroom clowns - and I know their parents. I know about the students who want to do their work but don't want to be called nerds. And I know so many more scenarios that work against learning.

I'm not alone. You know some kids who aren't cutting the mustard. You may even know some of the kids who cut class and hang out in the park or at the party house. And what about their parents?

While life ain't easy trying to educate today's younguns and while many components figure into the equation of failing freshmen and other grade level students, the ball is in the school district's hands and the crowds have their eyes on Edwin Diaz dribbling down the court or maybe even shooting from the free throw line.

Either way, I'm not putting my money on the Pasadena Unified School District team.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

TRUANT DAMSELS IN DISTRESS

2009-02-28 22:39:15

Ah, the young damsels, the ones who decided a day at Paseo Colorado trumped a day in their respective classrooms, weren't, in my opinion, lured anywhere. I knew this when the first news reports claimed it to be how the girls wound up with two adult men at an empty house on Idaho Street in Northwest Pasadena.

Lured? These 14-year-old African-American truants were hip enough to abandon the education their forefathers (and mothers) marched, petitioned and died for. So should the public believe they were so unsophisticated they didn't know what the males might be up to?

My daughter Pia isn't very happy with my approach to this issue. She thinks my depiction of the girls is letting the lecherous guys off the hook.

"Mom," she exclaimed, "these were old men in their 40s and the girls are just that: girls." Pia tried to hang me out to dry for not seeing the girls as just little kids who made a mistake.

Turns out my kid knew the old men from her high school days but she doesn't seem to know anything about how so many of our young girls have decided to live their lives.

Paseo Colorado, like malls across America, is known to be a hangout for pick-ups. Notice our damsels didn't cut class and visit one of our local museums.

Updated news reports now say the girls went willingly. Climbing into the car with some men they didn't know is not quite as innocent as my surprisingly naive daughter wants us to believe.

"Those girls are just little kids," Pia kept interjecting into our conversation that remained friendly but that got kind of heated at times.

Yeah, maybe this was the very first time the teenagers had missed school for the day. And, yeah, maybe the bunch of them decided to ditch school that day because they hadn't studied enough for their third-period history exam.

And just maybe they really were lured by the old men with a promise of Cliff Notes or a cheat sheet for their history test.

Now maybe these girls were wearing loose-fitting clothes that covered their bodies, some bobby socks and a pair of saddle oxfords.

Maybe they were wearing their hair in ponytails using rubber bands to hold them in place.

Ah, I can seem them now sitting outside at one of the nice eateries there at Paseo and sipping a soft drink and reaching into tattered backpacks to get out their history books. Wow, what a study session to behold.

"Well, what were they doing at the mall?" I asked my 40-something daughter.

"Do you realize these girls were drugged and raped?" Pia asked me in exasperation.

I don't have the best of memories but I do remember Tawana Brawley from back in the `80s. She's the young damsel who claimed to have been raped and tortured by NYC police officers over a four-day period. Her story was eventually proven to be a lie she concocted in an attempt to cover up not getting home when she was supposed to.

I could be dead wrong on this column. But I've seen too many teenage damsels who dress like ladies of the night and play the part like they've had years of dress rehearsals.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

IN TODAY'S TROUBLESOME CLIMATE, HOW IMPORTANT IS BEDTIME?

2009-02-22 13:15:27

A simple question, but not such a simple answer. I suspect there are many more parents facing the same issue as the two moms who looked me up to ask for my input.

Jen and Barb from "The Mom Life Show" found me on the Web. "But why me?" I couldn't help wonder.

The last time I'd spent time talking with parents who so blatantly don't believe in drawing the necessary lines and then holding onto them was way long ago.

The way parents raise their children and run their household, in my opinion, is pretty much based upon a philosophical viewpoint.

And based on what I was hearing from both these moms - Jen and Barb - it didn't sound to me as if my approach to life with kids was anything they really wanted to hear. And I sure didn't want to waste time with them, because I suspected their viewing audience possessed their same doting-mommy syndrome.

I didn't ask the big question as to who their viewing audience was, but I did visit their Web site, and there my suspicions were confirmed.

My biggest problem in dealing with this dynamic duo of moms was their politeness and insistence. No matter how rude and tough I was during my telephone conversations with them, they didn't back off.

So the other day, as I left Jen's house in Hancock Park, which gets converted to a studio for their scheduled shoots, I looked her square in her dazzling eyes, framed with well-done blue eye make-up, and asked, "Why me?"

She said she searches for guests and that she carefully viewed my Web site and understood where I was coming from. "I just thought I needed a little Shirlee," Jen said.

And probably a snippet of me goes a long, long way. It turned out to be a 15-minute interview that would be edited down to a 5-minute piece on one of their upcoming shows.

Jen and Barb laid out the problem that I suspect a bunch of families face: What happens when you put your kids to bed, but you have to get in there with them so they'll go to sleep?

Barb even knew of a research finding that declared children whose parents slept with them had higher self-esteem and a bunch of other desirable attributes.

Uh, huh! Check the research that says otherwise. Nowadays, there's a study that says just about anything a person wants to hear.

The parental philosophy I mentioned earlier comes about from each of our experiences and lifestyles.

My view on children's bedtime is pretty much hatched not on research but on circumstances. Being a mom of six kids, bedtime was as much a special time for them as it was for me. And it was as essential for my sanity as it was for their health to establish a process that made sure they didn't view closing out the day as a traumatic event, but instead saw it as a positive experience that prepared them for their tomorrow.

Do I owe Jen and Barb any thanks for perhaps bringing me back from way long ago because now maybe I'm willing to look doting parents in the eye and politely hand them a dose of tough stuff?

The Mom Life Show got a few of my comments, but with the tough decisions parents are being forced to make these days and with the constant upheaval surrounding so many of us, things like children's bedtime are gonna have a hard time making it onto my list of issues that get my full attention.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

Let's Stop Obsessing Over Octomom

2009-02-14 23:09:47

PLEASE, people, let's band together and put the octuplets to rest. We can do this. With enough support, we can actually make this happen.

Oh, I don't mean we'll show up at the babies' home and make sure they're being fed, are wearing clean diapers, that the curtains are drawn in their nursery and their cradles are rocking.

Television news and interview programs have saturated the airwaves with Whittier mama Nadya Suleman, the children's media maniac mama, giving her just what she wants - constant coverage.

Do we need to know she has a Web site that seeks donations? Do we need to know her plans of returning to college to earn a master's degree?

The continuous reporting of each new detail that is uncovered about Suleman's life is neither news nor entertainment.

Boy, could the public benefit from some sanity, something we could sink our thoughts into and feel proud about long about now, in this very troubled society of ours.

There are single moms who do smart things. There are single moms worthy of media attention, but they aren't spotlighted because they don't make fools of themselves and don't make a mockery of motherhood.

There are single moms everywhere who are doing ordinary things that are producing extraordinary results.

These women struggle raising a houseful of children, albeit not 14 of them, setting good examples with strong values, high morals and a strong sense of responsibility.

These moms, and we all know some, haven't had the time, money,promised money or forethought to hire a publicist to market their very praiseworthy contributions to society.

There's the single grandmother I know who raises her five young grandchildren and refuses to accept any financial assistance even though her retirement check doesn't afford them any of life's luxuries.

"Not in this house," she says with the kind of pride and determination in her voice that we often hear weakened these days with our tanking economy.

She quietly explains the children aren't doing without and neither is she and if they couldn't make it on their own she's not foolish enough to let pride stand in the way of her babies having what they need.

"But need and greed have got to be seen for what they are," Granma said just before she asked if I was going to write any more about the mom and her octuplets.

I told her I'd been talking with a young man, who worked at the Apple Store in Pasadena, and when I sorta mentioned the subject matter to him he seemed to think we'd already had more than enough of the topic.

Of course I wasn't in the Apple Store to talk news, and while the techs in the place probably aren't generally thought to be the folks following the hot news topics, one gentleman didn't ask what I was talking about when I popped the question.

We've had enough. We can do it. Let's put the babies to rest. When the next interview or news segment featuring this story comes on - turn it off.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
http://talkaboutparenting.org/pages/articles.php

Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

LET'S DIM OCTUPLET MOM'S TV SPOTLIGHT

2009-02-07 20:45:44

IT'S difficult to determine what's to be said about a 33-year-old woman who would add a set of octuplets to the six children she was already attempting to parent as a single mom.

The sane among us know that the job of being a mom to just one kid takes an incredible slice out of the usual definition of the word sane and all of us feel blessed when our offspring reach adulthood and we still have our own sanity.

Raising kids ain't no slam-dunk!

Nadya Suleman of Whittier, the mother of this unfortunate brood, must surely have some severe mental problems - or perhaps she's simply seeking that elusive 15 minutes of fame and then multiplying it by 14.

While she claims this brood of hers is a dream come true and it will make up for her dysfunctional childhood, I'm wondering why she's not discussing her dysfunctional adulthood.

If dysfunctional is seen as not performing the function that is normally expected, then we've got this mom pegged.

If delusional is having a poor understanding or even a mistaken belief about things, then Nadya Suleman clearly fits this, my second, mother-wit diagnosis.

This mom of eight newborns who will, among other unyielding chores, be busy changing diapers at 2 a.m. and feeding all those hungry little screechers, plans to make millions doing the talk show circuit, landing endorsements and becoming a media child-care expert.

While I have no love for the television media because of the nonsense they are always throwing at viewers, I want to believe they surely have more sense than Suleman does and they will not put her in the limelight.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the one who is delusional. Fox News reports Suleman is being swamped with offers for book deals, TV shows and other business proposals.

To handle this up-coming media blitz (may it never come to fruition, though she was already on "Today"), Suleman has retained the Killeen Furtney Group, a public relations firm, to take care of the alleged offers that are said to be arriving daily.

The firm says their new client is "the most sought-after mom in the world right now."

Now where was I before I made the error of believing the media, for once, might be on the side of what's important in life?

Oh, yes, this column started as a commentary on the joys and jobs of motherhood and more specifically those of single motherhood.

To put it simply, this single mom assisted by her aging parents cannot successfully raise 14 children all under the age of 8.

Ah, but with the millions earned Suleman will hire a staff to take charge. But, wait, isn't she to be marketed as a child-care expert - how's that to happen when she's not the caregiver?

Just what does this woman plan on telling the rest of us know-nothing-moms?

Nadya Suleman has, according to my diagnosis, some serious problems, but she is not alone in committing this act of of negligence, because the fertility specialists who gave her in-vitro fertilization shoulder a much higher burden of guilt.

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This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON THE WILMINGTON FAMILY MURDER-SUICIDE

2009-02-01 00:22:06

SO many people are asking themselves and each other what drove the Wilmington man, who authorities say is responsible for shooting to death his wife, their five children and then himself, to commit such a crime.

"So very sad," said a lady in the beauty shop. "Desperation," remarked another customer as the morning's conversation continued to focus on the deceased parents, Ervin and Ana Lupoe, who had worked at Kaiser Hospital in West Los Angeles as radiological technicians, each, it is reported, making more than $40 an hour.

While I continue to hear people who are troubled by the disregard for family life that seems to present itself on a fairly regular basis, I keep thinking we're witnessing something else here.

I'm also hearing people blame the weakening economy for these acts as many of us see lack of money to be the force behind bizarre crimes such as that committed by Ervin Lupoe. I don't think so.

While the lady in the beauty shop didn't elaborate on exactly what was "sad," the other customer offered back-up to her "desperation" comment. Lupoe, she said, was desperate because he had been fired from Kaiser and had been told by his superiors that he ought to blow his brains out.

A Kaiser spokesperson has said this is not true and it wasn't very believable when it was reported in the news.

"The man had a family to take care of and he couldn't do that anymore," this customer said with remorse in her voice.

The man and his wife were jerks. They were both fired from Kaiser for allegedly falsifying records. This act, in itself, wouldn't cause me to label someone a jerk, but this couple, each alleged to have been making a darn good salary, reportedly filled out an application with an agency for a child-care subsidy claiming their income was $7-$10 per hour.

What if the Lupoes' alleged misrepresentation of the facts had not come to light, as happened when the agency called Kaiser for verification?

Here's what if: The jerks would have used up the subsidy money that is allotted to assist a low-wage worker family to secure adequate care for their children. Child-care subsidies are not free-flowing. Agencies can only assist so many families. And Crystal Stairs, the child-development agency running the program the Lupoes applied for are to be applauded for doing their job of verifying applicant information.

But we need to think about how many other high-earning parents are out there believing nothing is wrong with stiffing the working poor and the less fortunate.

The customer at the beauty shop may have been on my same thinking path when all she could say was "sad." According to news reports, the Lupoes recently remodeled their kitchen, master bedroom and other areas of their Wilmington home. When you make a combined $80 an hour you can do things like this. When you're a parent worker earning $7-$10 an hour there is no home to remodel and without subsidized childcare the financial struggle is overwhelming.

The Lupoes like so many others in our society were greedy and Ervin Lupoe along with other issues didn't have the backbone to help his family adapt to a lifestyle of living on less.
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This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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INAUGURATION - PICTURES AND REPORT

2009-01-25 11:01:19

“Start at the beginning, “ Brandi advised, when I declared it was impossible to write something short but all ncompassing about our trip of a lifetime to the 2009 inauguration of President Barack Obama.

I pointed to the framed black and white picture of me at the age of 2 years with my great-great-grandmother that hangs on my bedroom wall and said to Brandi, “That’s pretty much the beginning for me and there’s not enough space to go back that far."

Grandma had been freed from slavery when she was 12 years old.

“You know what I meant,” Brandi responded with typical teenage annoyance and went on to suggest the beginning was when the actual inauguration ceremony started.

I generally experience trouble when someone else, anyone else, tells me how to write.

While Brandi and others fit into the category of meaning well, it’s not so easy to conduct the orchestra if you’re not familiar with the sounds the instruments make. Meaning, by comparison, that my would-be helpers haven’t a clue as to what all is bubbling in my head.

Our trip had many request from the public. The one to bring back plenty of pictures topped the email, telephone and personal messages in the weeks and days before Brandi and I left Pasadena. Wind-chill factor and 18-degree weather aside, we’ve got ‘em!

“Where ya’all coming’ in from?" was pretty much the question of the day as we encountered whatever portion of the millions of people in attendance that we
came into contact with.

Talk about bragging. Never before had I thought to be proud to announce I was born in Southern California, had never lived anywhere else, and that when we left town the temperature in Pasadena was somewhere around 85 degrees.

Of course we asked others where they were from but really didn’t care that much because all conversation was conducted with a fat neck scarf not just
wrapped around the neck but arranged to cover the mouth and nose with the only parts of the face unclothed being the eyes.

Brandi had some research to do for the trip in order to familiarize herself with some of the unknowns she would encounter. Wind chill factor was one something she didn’t have time to tackle. But as we all know, experience can pretty much trump book learning.

And if anyone needs the full disclosure on what wind chill is and how you survive it, Brandi’s your person to talk with.

A full report on the trip ranked right up at the top of the list with the request for pictures. I’ve got the report.

But I can only write so much so here’s the deal: On February16, President’s Day, you’re invited to a small event where Brandi will share her experience, we’ll put pictures up on the screen and I’ll give the full
report – and I do mean full. Details will be posted on the homepage and calendar here on the site. Or call 626-296-2777/ email-shirlee@talkaboutparenting.org

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This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

MLK DAY OF SERVICE

2009-01-18 00:21:24

Across America, in celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2009, we're all being asked to support the American spirit of volunteerism and community service by making a commitment to help in our communities, not just for the one day on Jan. 19, which is being called MLK Day of Service, but for the entire year.

But say the word volunteer to some folks and you might as well be speaking a foreign language.

Ask their children to help one of their neighbors and the first thing parent and kid alike want to know is, "How much they payin'?"

Then there's the people who know the goodness of helping others simply because they know it's the thing to do. These are the people who know that their deeds aren't being delivered for a reward that's beyond the feeling of doing for someone else.

These are the people who know the power of selflessness. These are the people we can call on over and over again and their response is always predictable. Time and time again they simply want to know what it is they are needed to do.

So this column is pretty much for the first batch of folks I described - the ones who don't believe they or their children should participate in a ritual of giving back, spreading kindness, spreading joy.

"That's teaching our kids wrong values," I've been told by too many parents when I suggest their unemployed teenagers get up off the couch and give of their time at some community program.

"Slavery is over,"I've been told by others who would rather see the kids playing video games than doing for others.

The classic comment is, "Nobody's done anything for me so what you're talking about doesn't fit into any kind of give back."

We all owe something back and we have all benefited from the volunteer work of others.

How much was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. paid for sitting in a Birmingham jail? How big was his paycheck for the Selma March?

Isn't the Red Cross on the scene when disaster strikes? What about the women, young and old, who can often be found wearing candy-stripe outfits and assisting patients in hospitals?

One of the values our children need to learn and adhere to should be that giving is far more important than receiving.

Earlier this week, while Brandi and I were sitting on the patio at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles, a group of well-behaved and clean-scrubbed elementary students from Mayfield Junior School descended upon the grassy area and took their places at several tables filled with craft supplies.

They got busy making cards. Ah, cards to give the patients? The students were on a field trip. They were at the hospital to present a $4,000 check, which was the money they had raised from a walk-a-thon.

Ah, giving! And at a young age.

Too many children I encounter are always on the "getting" end of things because someone has determined they are at risk. I guess I'm to surmise that means they can't be taught the concept of giving.

Parents who join the volunteer ranks have children who follow suit. If you don't know where to start, visit the following links: www.USAService.org or www.volunteermatch.org.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

INAUGURATION QUESTIONS AND ADVICE

2009-01-11 09:14:54

We're counting down the days and there aren't that many left before Brandi and I head for the historical inauguration ceremony of President-elect Barack Obama.

Readers have posed some interesting questions since I announced, here in the column last week, this opportunity that came our way when Rep. Adam Schiff, D-Pasadena, honored my request for tickets to the event.

"Well, and what favors do you now owe the congressman?" asked one reader of this column who, once I'd answered, claimed she was only joking. Maybe!

But then I heard the same nonsense from other people which by then led me to believe, as is often the case, there's a lot of truth in a "joke."

In my youth there was a phrase: "crackin' but fackin'." Even if this isn't still being used, the concept remains intact.

As far as I know, Shirlee Smith's e-mailed request to the congressman's office was handled like the thousands of others that showed up in his e-mail file and some got selected (by what means?) and others did not.

Let's get real. Exactly what might the man want from me? Contributions to his campaign war chest? He's managed to be elected over the years without the meager amount of money I might have donated so I suggest to all who might be concerned this most certainly was not part of his selection process when it came to me.

The next troublesome inquiry I get is who is paying for this trip. Travel is expensive I keep hearing and then comes the reminder
that places to stay in the capital by now, are going for $1,000 and more per night.

And don't forget, I'm told, meals, souvenirs and events are going to cost plenty. On this getting-in-my-business track, I'm reminded the economy is tight and since I preach teaching our children the value of money I need to think about the kind of precedent I am setting and the lesson I am not teaching.

And there's my sister on the East Coast who wants to make sure if I don't own a fur coat that I have a friend who will lend me one.

And finally, lots of questions as to which inaugural ball Brandi and I will be attending and what gowns we will be wearing.

This is not a rags-to-riches trip to the ceremony. This is a rags-to-rags, food-stamp budget operation. I'm the same no-money head of household I've always been.

My philosophy stands intact: If your kids learn money doesn't buy everything they want and if they bypass the trivia, bigger things are in store for them. There will be no trinkets purchased, no events attended - including balls that we don't have the wardrobe for.

I don't know which of my friends own fur coats and I wouldn't borrow one, anyway. But my friend in Mendocino who spent years teaching in China where the temperature reaches sub-zero is sending me her down jacket that will serve the same purpose of the fur coat my sister thought I should sport.

Take warm clothes, Brandi's friend, county Supervisor Mike Antonovich reminded us. Yup, Brandi is borrowing some stuff from her nephews who live in Colorado who reminded her layering was the trick.

For us, this is a trip of a lifetime and the purpose is history, to keep warm, to keep on budget, breathe deeply and to pretend the ticketed crowd of 240,000 people we'll be seated with aren't really there.

I thank readers for all of the absurd comments and most importantly, I thank those who wanted to make sure we understood we were leaving the Golden State and keeping warm should be at the top of our agenda.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

MONEY GROWING ON TREES?

2009-01-03 21:03:31

The one resolution I hope parents have made for this New Year is to make sure their children come to understand the changes in the household economy.

Go ahead and correct me with the phrase that's already been tossed my way dozens of times: "They're just kids and shouldn't have to carry the burdens of an adult world."

There's some sense to this, not involving the children concept. But with the dollars and cents dwindling in the budget on an almost daily basis, the need for family discussion becomes a paramount ingredient for making it through our country's economic downturn.

The worn-out phrase "Money doesn't grow on trees" needs to be resurrected because too many of us have led our children to believe that's just where it comes from, but in the form of a plastic card.

Of course, this household discussion has to be age-appropriate. Also, it can't just be a conversation, as there needs to be an adequate action plan put into place with the talking-time acting only as the kick-off point.

Why not call this "the truth in living policy," which, come to think of it, would serve us all well if it were the mantra that governed our existence.

Is it pride that keeps parents from wanting the kids to know the family breadwinner is no longer employed?

What is it that makes the single mom who has kids eligible for the school free lunch program determine she doesn't want them "labeled"?

The first step that could be takenin helping our offspring recognize the changes in the household economy could be that long overdue curtailment of the waste we allow them to engage in; throwing food away, letting the shower water run too long, leaving the lights on when no one is using them - you know the routine.

Back when I was a kid, this kind of lecture delivered by my mother fell pretty much on deaf ears, as I had no understanding of the starving children in Europe that she continually talked about when I refused to eat the crust on my breakfast toast.

But I did have a clear understanding of difficult times when the soles of my shoes had a hole in them and the repair job was cutting a piece of cardboard and fitting it into the shoe.

I was never sure if it was lack of money, no ration stamps or both of these problems that prevented the purchase of a new pair of "stomps," but I did know that the cardboard was the designated solution.

Should my parents have been embarrassed because it was necessary to introduce me to the economic realities of the time?

In an interview with local philanthropist Adelaide Hixon when she was a guest on "Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith," I asked her about growing up in a family where money wasn't an issue - how or if the children were ever told they couldn't have something. She answered by saying her father simply said they weren't going to spend their money that way.

As parents and caregivers of minors, it could do us a heap of good to take a good listen to Adelaide's words from her father. For one thing, it isn't every day we get a peek at life on the other side of the tracks.

Another thing for those among us who are hesitant with just the thought of a conversation about money, or lack of it, spending, budgeting and wastefulness, knowing the well-to-do don't let their young'uns believe money sprouts from trees and plastic should make the discussion just a little bit easier to handle.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

DOUBLE WHAMMY HOLIDAYS

2008-12-28 14:27:36

Whew! I sailed through the first of this year's holiday double whammies unscathed and with my head held high.

But it seems, perhaps, people my age just do this anyway and that would mean there was no cleverness on my part and instead I was just keeping up with my peers.

The sail-through non-involvement behavior started with my announcement there would be no Christmas tree again this year. That bit of news was a hang over from 2007 when Brandi asked the big "When are we putting up the tree?"

"We're going to be in the Mendocino Pygmy Forest for Christmas - decorate any tree close to the cabin," I shouted back to her with glee.

No such road trip this year just a suggestion that the medium-sized bushy potted plant sitting by the north window in our living room would look really quite cute with shiny balls and perhaps a few pretty bows.

The decked-out plant didn't get the same acceptance as the Pygmy Forest and on a regular basis, every time we drove home up Lincoln Avenue passing Wayne's T-shirt shop (where trees were being sold), my pitiful 17-year-old would say, "Look they're only 15 bucks."

The next tactic she employed, in an outburst of sincerity and in recognition of the economy, was to suggest paying for the tree herself with the money she'd earned for feeding the neighbor's dog.

Everyone's got to give a little - that's just the way life works. I bought the tree. But I wouldn't shop. I wouldn't cook. I wouldn't. And I didn't.

On the big day, I telephoned my two grandkids in Colorado, wished them the best of the season and heard their joyous tales of toys collected.

My grandson from Atlanta arrived at my home on Christmas Eve and thankfully had no gifts in hand but came with giant hugs, lots of kisses and good conversation from a 27-year-old perspective.

My kids? The eldest went to spend a few days with a friend in Rialto.

The 50-year-old daughter, who is an interpreter, wanted quiet time to put her house in order from a very busy year-end schedule. The 40-something daughter came by in the evening and said something that sounded pretty close to "Bah, humbug."

Brandi said about this Christmas, "I think I've died and gone to heaven!" No shopping. No presents. No special dinner. Nada!

Well not exactly. Ah, e-mail. Brandi was asked to check hers before breakfast so she could have something to talk about.

"Subject: forward - Ticket Confirmation. Congratulations! You have been selected to receive 2 tickets to the Swearing-in Ceremony of President-elect Barack Obama on January 20, 2009 in Washington, D.C.!"

Thanks, Congressman Adam Schiff, for delivering history to the household that I'm sharing with my high school senior. This gift, unknown to the congressman, spared me the job of thinking up another scheme this year to move my child away from the pretentiousness of a holiday that once had a true spirit of giving and of meaning.

The second lap of the double- whammy holidays? Who would ask that question? All my energies will be directed toward learning how to keep warm in weather like we've never experienced, how to keep our sanity while in the company of more than a million people, how best to access public transportation in D.C., building up the body for miles of walking. And there's a lot more we've got to get done and not a lot of time to do it in.
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THEIR CHRISTMAS WAS ABOUT CHRIST

2008-12-20 21:39:52

Stockings, I'm told, were never hung by the chimney with care in hopes that ol' St. Nick might be there.

The family had no stockings to spare and there wasn't a chimney anywhere. They didn't miss this ritual because it was something they, as children, never knew existed.

They weren't alone. Their next-door neighbors, who lived down the Mississippi back road about a two-hour hike, didn't know about this, either. Neither did the neighbor kids who lived just about as close, but up the road.

Christmas, I'm told, was all about Christ. Ol' Kris Kringle wasn't in the picture, anywhere.

But I'm also told the families weren't really that religious, they just hadn't heard about this new order of things.

They didn't have their own telephone. Back then it was one of those black contraptions mounted directly on the wall with a funny looking mouthpiece attached to the piece on the wall and there was a separate piece that the caller/talker put to the ear. These were the telephone lines that were shared by everyone in the neighborhood, by everyone within a mile or many miles away.

So no one called to tell them it was Christmas and how they were to celebrate.

If radios existed, the 17 children in the McClain household had not been so advised by their parents and their peers, who attended the same one-room school, had never talked of hearing strange voices at home coming from a wooden box, so there was no reason to wonder if, or believe that, such an invention existed.

No news, here.

Christmas, I'm told, was a day of church and the preacher reminding those in attendance, and everyone was there from miles around, that his sermon was going to be the same as the year before.

My friend tells me he kept to his word and began each Christmas morning by saying, "Jesus was born in a manger," and then he would walk to the side of the pulpit, standing for just a few seconds, wipe his forehead with a long white handkerchief and every year the church members, on cue, would say, "Amen."

There were no toys. There was no turkey or mistletoe to make the season bright. There was no ride in a one-horse open sleigh.

Daddy made two trips to get the family to the church on Christmas and he did that in his old Ford truck that was usually used for hauling and bringing in supplies.

Mama made for dinner what she always did on Sundays. And there wasn't any kissing going on underneath any kind of leaves because the kids just didn't even want to take any extra time to be that close to each other.

They were always too close, not just in age but also in bedrooms and also in the bed.

"Joy to the world." One by one members of the McClain clan headed west.

Christmas trees with all the trimmings, shopping for presents and wrapping them, a huge feast for the birthday of Christ became standard fare when they began having kids of their own.

But nowadays their kids are grown, gone, and have kids of their own and the very-very old folks, the ones from Mississippi say they long for the old ways because there's strength in tradition and they see themselves as responsible for having bought into something that wasn't really theirs.

This blog can be found in our columns section where you can print a copy or e-mail to someone
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Tune-in Wednesdays Noon to 1:00 p.m. Talk Abut Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE Call-in at 626- 794-2116 or 794-2551. PCAC Charter Channel 56 in Pasadena. Return to our home page and click the red television for streaming. See our calendar listing for further details

NAUGHTY OR NICE DON'T MATTER

2008-12-14 16:09:13

It's that time of year when we're reminded about that list that gets checked twice and the additional fun experience of determining who's naughty and who's nice.

But recognizing the condition of the economy, I'm truly puzzled that so many parents have determined their Christmas list is going to be big as ever.

Brenda, a single mom, has been collecting unemployment since losing her job at a small company. Everyone else in her department got the same striped orange slip and not a pink one.

"Christmas is coming down the chimney, no matter what!" she declared without a moment's hesitation as she talked to me by telephone.

Brenda said her kids hadn't done anything to bring about the horrible state of our country's economy and to not give them Christmas was like punishing them for Wall Street being shaky, banks failing and car manufacturers begging for money.

"Maybe people are making more out of this than what's real," she said and then went on to blame the media for getting people all hyped-up.

Brenda wasn't bothered about her company closing down because, she said, she's always been able to find a job. She said she was an optimist and never bowed to somebody else's definition of what she could or could not do with her money - or more to the point - with her very little bit of money.

Naughty and nice?

The folks who've lost their homes, the people who are now standing in soup lines, the ones whose cars (that they were living in) got repossessed and the ones who got the pink slips and who don't quite know what to do next, certainly don't fall into the naughty category.

Naughty and nice has little to do with who gets what this Christmas. Brenda's kids may be nice, but if she takes a few minutes to stop talking nonsense and looks, instead, at the difference between the check she used to get and the meager unemployment one she's now collecting - money, or lack of it - will surely rule.

When money gets short in the household the kids need to be in on the fact that finances have taken a downward turn.

What is it that makes our little darlings believe they're entitled to receive everything on their magic list? The answer to this is their parents.

Brenda isn't alone in believing she owes her kids a pile of presents under their Christmas tree. But let's hope she's gone further than most when it comes to ignoring her financial condition.

In these tough times, and according to the predictions, if you're not feeling it yet, you soon will be. We might be wise to check our list several times and decide who, in fact, ought to be dropped from it.

If this turns out to be the kids, so be it. But they can't just be dropped from the list without a truthful explanation about the economy and individual household circumstance.

While shopping for gifts, in the traditional way, is not in keeping with today's household income, talk to Grandma and Grandpa because they can talk up a new kind of Christmas giving list based on their own experiences of making it through hard times back in the day.

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EDUCATORS RESPOND TO SCRUTINY

2008-12-07 15:27:06

Following last week's newspaper column/blog about my daughter's teachers and counselor who didn't seem to think their job description included communicating with parents, I've had a flood of responses from readers who are retired teachers, parents, school secretaries, students and home-schooling advocates. I also heard from the counselor and teachers I wrote about.

While neither the counselor or the teachers mentioned the column, it was clear to me why they were suddenly taking care of business.

The column/blog was about my attempts to get word back from teachers whom I had asked to advise me of my kid's work in their classes and the counselor admonishing me for suggesting I might seek help from our superintendent of schools, board members or members of the public.

Members of the public quickly answered my cry for help. A former school secretary e-mailed to say, oh, yes, teachers practiced retaliation when it came to aggressive parents wanting the best for their children. She went on to speak of the numerous vindictive conversations she had been privy to during her years of working in the office.

At the Pasadena Unified School District school board meeting this week, the concerns I wrote about were bantered back and forth among some of the trustees with Renatta Cooper taking the lead in questioning what kind of policy is in place and with PUSD Superintendent Edwin Diaz pretty much scratching his head.

A parent who contacted me said it was joyous to find someone "brave enough" to put these kind of improper school behaviors into a column because her troubles were much the same causing her to eventually give up being a stay at home mom and taking on a part-time job in order to send her daughter to a non-Pasadena school.

It's really too bad every parent can't have media access, because if they did, the life of their students would be quite different. In the meantime, just call me the voice of every parent.

My teenager's teachers quickly made contact - well, after the week delay prior to the newspaper column.

Even my teenager's counselor, the one who suggested if I went beyond the confines of the school with this issue it just might be counterproductive, suddenly became productive - well, suddenly only after the column appeared here in the newspaper and on its website.

While I mentioned no names in my previous writing other than that of my kid, the irresponsible educators who may or may not live in the newspaper service area, did, in fact, get the message.

A retired teacher who contacted me said he taught in a local school district for 34 years, and believed it to be unrealistic for parents to expect an overnight progress report from their child's teachers, but he said there is no excuse for teachers not returning a courtesy e-mail telling the inquiring parent that a report will be forthcoming.

He further recommended that a parent who is being ignored by a teacher should first bring this to the attention of the school principal because counselors are busy people.

Good point, but not in my case.

While I didn't mention it in the previous column, there is something called a 504 accommodation plan available to students who qualify.

Based upon psychological assessment, my child has one.

This plan is worked out with counselor, teachers, student and parents. All sign the document. One of Brandi's accommodations is frequent and timely communication with the parent.

With or without such a plan every parent is entitled to courteous treatment, which includes a timely response to all inquiries.
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DON'T PARENTS DESERVE BETTER SERVICE?

2008-11-29 21:24:20

This is an appeal to the public, although the high school counselor indicated this approach along with seeking assistance from school board members and Pasadena schools Superintendent Edwin Diaz were likely to be counterproductive.

It's been my belief in the years that my six children have attended public schools that families are the clients and that excellent service should be provided us.

While I've never had the opportunity to review job descriptions for teachers and/or counselors, in the name of getting students educated, it seems reasonable that part of the process would include communicating with the home.

Parents and other caregivers of students is an interesting bunch. They come in a variety of ways in which they work with or don't work with the schools. An overwhelming majority of those I know are extremely intimidated by teachers, administrators and by members of the governing body.

My reasoning with parents - though it never seems to work in changing their ability to speak of their dissatisfaction with the educational system - is "Come on, now, if you had just purchased a new SUV and its performance was short of your expectations, wouldn't you be back at the dealer?"

Well, yes, they admit that they would. But the parents I give this sermon to tell me the difference is that their children, the students being shortchanged of the education they deserve, will be singled out and punished because of aggressive parental action.

A parent's pursuit of better education in the classroom for their child should never be seen as grounds for the student reaping unfavorable treatment. Do kids of aggressive parents really suffer repercussions? I don't think so.

I see the situation with an opposing point of view, as I believe parents have to be aggressive or our kids will, indeed, be unjustly punished. What's worse than to continually be educationally shortchanged?

I practice what I preach. On Nov. 18, I e-mailed a group of teachers asking for my child's current grades, any missing assignments and test scores. Two days later, with no response, I forwarded the message to the counselor asking him to reach the teachers. Four days later, with no response, once again an e-mail was sent to the counselor, signed, "A pissed-off guardian."

It took another two days but on November 26, I received the following:

"I will forward the information to the teachers. While I agree that communication with parents is key to student success, resorting to name-calling, inquiries about job descriptions and threats to involve the school board and/or superintendent seem counter-productive to the process. I ask for your patience in receiving our responses. I assure you that we are all here for Brandi's best educational interests. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

I'm not so sure having called myself a "Pissed-off guardian" qualifies for name-calling but that's not a point worth arguing.

Also, I'm not sure saying I was on the wrong path for asking the counselor for assistance and that perhaps the superintendent, board members or the public could help me move the process along qualifies as threatening.

But now that I've chosen to run afoul of the cautionary e-mail pertaining to being counter-productive, I'm asking which members of the public know of a productive path to follow in getting responses from teachers that assists parents in monitoring their student's academic standing?

Once upon a time I had the answer.

Repercussions? I don’t think so.
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AH, BUT IT'S A LONG DRIVE TO NEBRASKA

2008-11-22 14:47:46

WITHOUT a full look at the reasons older children were abandoned at hospitals in Nebraska under that state's safe haven law, one would think the parents who did this were pretty awful.

That may not be the case.

Safe haven laws that are on the books in all 50 states have been enacted to protect infants from being in harm's way when born to a mother who, for whatever reason, can't care for her baby.

Safe havens are designated places such as hospitals and fire stations where the infant can be dropped off without any questions asked.

Nebraska has been the only state enacting this legislation without stipulating a cut-off age and using the word child instead of infant, thereby laying themselves open for parents to abandon their kids - no matter what age.

The law took effect in July and since that time, of the children who have been abandoned, none were infants. Instead the children range in age from 1 to 17.

Nine of the children were left by their father who did this after the sudden death of his wife. The father, Gary Staton, said he just fell apart and didn't think he could raise the kids.

A 15-year-old was left by his aunt who was his guardian because, she said, even with medication she was unable to manage his behavior problems. Death was involved in this case also, as the teen's mother had died and the father was an absent one. It was this set of circumstances that led to the aunt becoming legal guardian.

What these cases clearly demonstrate is that families are in trouble. And the significant role that death seems to have played in perpetuating the actions of Mr. Staton and the guardian aunt can't help but raise the question of inadequate family services.

Where's the help in Nebraska? Where's the help in California and in every other state? Where's the help for parents, no death involved, who just can't cope?

Nowadays, confronting misbehaving teens about their unacceptable deeds and actions is simply met by them with a stone-eyed stare and a so-what attitude.

Punishments? Please! For too many parents, these have become weapons of the past.

The boy who stole from the department store while shopping with his mother had no remorse when apprehended by security guards; even when in-store cameras caught him in the act he still steadfastly denied he'd taken the merchandise.

"I'd like to beat his butt," she said with a few expletives. At 16 years old, forget that as a remedy.

"I wish security had arrested him and he could have cooled his heels in juvenile hall," she soon determined.

Nothing like juvenile hall to learn new tricks and run into old "homies" who aren't on the street anymore.

Ah, Nebraska. It's a long drive but could it be an answer for the miscreants in households all across America.

A parent from Council Bluffs, Iowa, drove across the state line to deposit her 14-year-old girl at a safe haven site in Nebraska. Apparently it was the state legislature that forgot to include a residency requirement.

Unfortunately for all of us who house belligerent, miscreants with raging hormones, the Nebraska lawmakers closed the loopholes last week and will only be accepting infants. No children allowed.

Oh, yeah, I did say many of those who dropped off their children weren't necessarily awful parents and now let me add this to the story - many of us who'd like to drop ours off somewhere aren't awful, either.

Parents need help.

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MICHELLE OBAMA DOESN'T NEED TO DRESS LIKE OPRAH WINFREY

2008-11-15 14:53:46

QUITE frankly, I'd rather not write about the soon to be occupants of the house on Pennsylvania Avenue in the District of Columbia but the public interest in our first African American family moving into the White House dictates otherwise.

The Obamas. The Obamas. It seems everyone has something to say about them. Most of the commentary that comes my way centers on pride, excitement and an understanding that not only is there a mission to be accomplished but also that the family's every move is going to be scrutinized.

That's all well and good, but as life's lessons teach us, there's always some amount of nonsense in anything that's good and positive.

This time around I call 'em a bunch of silly women who need to stop blogging and filling e-mail boxes with offers of help, in whatever way they can, to improve Michelle Obama's appearance.

What nerve!

Some of this junk mail even includes criticism regarding what "the girls" are wearing. Why, you ask, am I giving this negative stuff exposure here?

First, I thought it was only my African-American sisters who were carrying on with the nonsense because, generally speaking as a group, we think we're supposed to outdress even the Queen.

But then came the blog, and maybe a Sistah wrote it, since writing doesn't come in color, however from the tone, I suspected otherwise. Anyway, this blogger was concerned about the black and red dress worn on election night and had further commentary regarding the daughter who was dressed in black for such a festive occasion.

Leave the family alone!

While I do not love the dresses that Michelle wears, she's not dressing for me or the rest of the public. She looks fine.

As I note, her clothes are downplayed so that we're not fixated on her outfits. The fashion statement I see is being "Ms. It" is not as important to her as what she has to say. And when she talks she says what we need to hear.

What are these "bitchy" women looking for? Maybe another Sarah Palin focus on wardrobe?

Here's 10 points to consider before condemning Michelle:

1. She is not heavy laden with expensive jewelry!

2. No one has mentioned seeing unsightly spots on her clothes!

3. No comments are out there about a slip hanging or bra strap showing!

4. There's no looking at Michelle and saying to oneself "I wish I could afford that outfit."

5. She dresses like a professional mom and wife who has a million other things to do other than be "Ms. Fashionista."

6. She portrays, whether true or not, that she does her own shopping and it is simple because as Palin pointed out - there's no time to shop.

7. On Jay Leno, Michelle had on a nice outfit that she said she got online from J. Crew. It is said she also shops at Target where so many other "non-elite" women shop.

8. Nobody is writing about President-elect Obama saying he buys five suits all the same so when one part goes bad he can switch things around.

9. Just because Oprah, the diva, keeps the chatter going on the $2,000 shoes she's wearing, that's not what we should be looking for as the standard.

10. Women who are moms and also professionals generally don't spend an inordinate amount of time being "real cute." Using time wisely, and they must, children come before shopping, fitting rooms and styling.

Michelle has said, and has said so emphatically, that she is going to be The First Mom and not so much The First Lady.

The First Mom must appeal to the rank and file and not the carriers of Gucci bags. The First Mom, I suspect is going to help all moms realize the need is to concentrate on their children's education, both at school and at home, and not fret about what designer labels the public gets to see them sporting.

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NEW YEAR CELEBRATION

2008-11-09 08:20:58

ON Nov. 4, the Cobb family, all six of them - young, old and middle-aged - got to their Altadena polling place at 5:15 a.m.

Dressed for the rain, and also prepared for the almost two-hour wait with their waterproof folding chairs, most of the Cobb family members were wide awake and ready to be the first at that location to mark a ballot for Barack Obama.

The sleepy-eyed youngest family member, who huddled next to Grandma, wasn't old enough to vote, but the kid wasn't too young to miss out on grasping the historical significance of the early morning trek to the church on the corner of Glenrose Avenue and Altadena Drive.

I haven't seen the Cobbs since they beat me to the church by 15 minutes but I've heard their story everywhere I've been in the last few days.

I've also heard their story by telephone from folks across the country - in Harlem, Atlanta, Colorado Springs, Chandler, Ariz. and a few other places where folks couldn't hold in their joy and spent hours on the wire spreading the stories from their polling places.

Back in Altadena, once my underage Brandi finished looking over my shoulder and turning the pages as I marked the choices in our voting booth, I drove her to Pasadena High School and let her know I'd be at the curb to pick her up that afternoon.

She had been an unpleasant companion that morning and I let her know the day was being called "History." The day was being called "Obama Day," and if she couldn't have another attitude in the afternoon when I saw her, she'd be left at curb to catch the bus back home. She got my point!

While getting up when it was still dark and making our way to the polling place definitely had a taste of making history, it didn't all come together until the celebration at the Kyoto Grand Hotel and Gardens in Little Tokyo where at 8 p.m. emotions exploded when the electoral count confirmed history had truly been made.

American citizens had just elected Barack Obama the 44th president of the United States.

The crowd went wild. Brandi, pumped up with history, joined the hundreds of revelers. The shouting, waving arms and chanting lasted for what seemed like hours.

"Obama, Obama, Obama," was the first 15 minutes. I think it changed to "Oh, My God." Then there was the "Yes, we did" chorus that could be heard blending in ever so often.

Brandi, like so many of us, turned a page in her life on Tuesday. The day after history was made, she didn't have to go to school because it was our New Year celebration.

Attitude? Gone!

Brandi says she can't figure things out. Neither can I or most of the people I talk with who can't stop crying. It's like a burden has been lifted that we never really knew we were carrying.

To have even thought there would a black president of the United States taking his young children and wife to live in the White House would have brought my mother to smile and remark as she often did: "You young people don't really understand."

On Wednesday, my sister said, "I watched Obama's acceptance speech and kept thinking this is fabulous, this is a fabulous movie on the screen and I don't want it to end."

It's real! And as the saying going around by e-mail says: Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther King could march so Obama could run.

And run he did.

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HISTORY NIGHT '08

2008-11-07 01:00:13

Where were you on History Night ’08?

Joyce, who lives in Duarte, California, watched history unfold November 4th on the television set in her family room. At what she thinks was 8:00 p.m., the phone calls began coming in to her viewing room from Barbados, the Virgin Islands and elsewhere.

“They couldn’t really say anything.” Joyce said all of the callers yelled the same thing
“We did it; we did it.”

Other viewers who called our Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE show on Wednesday said pretty much the same thing – “We Did It!”

Eshe, who phoned from Chandler, Arizona, had worked at bi-lingual station at a polling place. She told the story of a recent naturalized citizen from Guatemala whom she assisted. It was the older woman’s first time voting and how extremely careful she was with her ballot taking about a half-hour to fill it out and then review it several times.

The call-in feature of our live show along with web streaming has truly broadened our information and viewing base, which is helps viewers understand the bigger picture.

Beverlee Bruce, Ph.D. past guest on our Tuesday/Friday half-hour show, dialed us up and provided an update on election night happenings in Harlem where she lives.

While I’m known to complain about the gadgetry technology has to offer, Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith would be running flat without it.

Hank, the Republican businessman, (not to be confused with ‘Joe the Republican plumber’) called us from the George Bush Airport in Houston Texas before he picked up his luggage.” I know my priorities,” he said and Hank has said to me, in the past, family always comes first. I hope everyone remembers that Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith is all about supporting families and helping them become stronger.

Hank talked, among other things, about his forming the organization Black Republicans for Obama – BRO.

Wednesday’s show also included discussion of the California ballot propositions and on the passing of Proposition 8 –Same Sex Couple Legal Marriage. La Quetta gave our viewers a personal perspective of the need for us to have defeated this measure.

Many callers - much discussion. Tune in every Wednesday 12 noon to 1:00 p.m. PST. Charter channel 56 (PCAC) or see it streamed on the web by visiting our home page and clicking the PCAC logo during broadcast hours.

Check our calendar for our November guest and show information.

LESSONS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL____

2008-11-03 00:50:28

MY daughter who lives in Inglewood got into a tiff with her neighbor over a Proposition 8 yard sign.

Another of my offspring dropped a guy she'd been dating once she found out who his choice was for replacing President George Bush.

My kid, who thought the West Hollywood house with a Halloween decoration of a Sarah Palin image hanging from a rope was something to laugh about, had to be set straight.

"But I thought you didn't like Palin," was the response from the younger kid, who got a long lecture from me.

"Let's get this straight," I warned, "Just because I don't support the Alaska governor's political views, campaign rhetoric or her ability to handle what she ought to know as a vice-presidential candidate, doesn't for one minute mean I don't like the woman.

"My viewpoint doesn't mean," I said to Brandi, "that I think the scene at the house in West Hollywood is acceptable."

"Well," stammered Brandi, as she knew what she was going to hear from me next. She knew what was coming because my lectures tend to follow the same format.

This one she knew had the makings of "Do Unto Others" because it's such a regular in our house getting played every time there's a student bully story turned deadly on the evening news.

"No," admitted Brandi, she wouldn't find it funny if an image of Obama, her choice for president, were to be found hanging from a rope.

But, alas, as life would have it a woman in Redondo Beach thought it clever to hang an Obama by his necktie. "That's messed up," said my kid, who initially thought it was OK for Palin to hang in West Hollywood.

The Inglewood daughter let the tenant in the front house know if he wanted to keep his "Yes on 8" sign on the front lawn, she would have to add a sign in opposition.

"What?" argued the tenant who proclaimed the entire lawn area was what he had rented and she was only entitled to lay claim to the back yard since that's where her living quarters were.

"He can be narrow-minded and think he can regulate the lifestyle of others, but not on my rent receipt," she declared.

After having the property owner tell the front house tenant who had what rights, Inglewood daughter marched herself to the No on Proposition 8 office, got a sign and lined it up right next to the "yes" one.

While the date was dropped for his views on who should be the next president, time has healed a few wounds, or as the daughter put it, time helped the guy see the light. Maybe since he's now for Obama she should have said he now sees the "dark."

Inglewood says she had no idea how passionate she was about tolerance until she arrived home that evening after work to see she was being portrayed as having someone else's viewpoint.

Brandi's looking at Palin a little differently now. She's even acknowledged - got it straight from me - that the governor does look much better in her designer duds then she did with the Sears and Kmart wardrobe. This commentary doesn't include our discussion on who should have paid for the governor's shopping spree.

There's been a heap of lessons learned from this 2008 political campaign. Those mentioned here barely scratch the surface of my family's continuous conversations on the state of the union.
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IT'S LEGAL

2008-10-30 17:50:08

It’s legal. You can do it. You might have already done it and, then again, you might have never thought of it.

Radical? Probably not.

Life-changing? Just might be.

Shake off the mystique. Get rid of the Us and Them. Grab them younguns and take ‘em to the polls with you on November 4th.

It’s legal. You can do it. If they’re under 18, the legal voting age, they get to take this historical trip with you to the booth.

If you’re in California , you’re covered under Election Code 1422. If you’re in another state and want the election code, according to today’s Talk About Parenting Live –Call-In guest, Michael Browning, visit www.takeyourkids2vote.org and get the skinny.

How did Michael discover this fabulous website and become our show guest? Wondering how to share this historical election with the many young people in his family, he did the all-too-familiar Google search, and upon discovering many sites he sent us an email.

We know taking the kids with us on Tuesday just might bring about a change in the regular weekly schedule, but the experience just might outweigh the inconvenience.

Yes, there may be long lines, so be prepared with age-appropriate activities and some snacks. Not a bad idea to help the kids, depending on the age, to know what’s on the ballot days before you get to the polling place.

Thanks to Robyn Calder, Liberty Hill Foundation, Program Fellow, for presenting our viewers a concise view, from the Foundation’s Liberty Vote non-partisan voter guide, of the pros and cons for California Ballot Measures 2, 5, 8, and 9.

If you watched our show on Wednesday. you not only got Robyn’s well-delivered presentation, but you also got my questionable analysis of each ballot measure --including chickens being crowded together in cages (Prop 2), somewhat like the family I met who moved over for five sets of relatives and who, because of economic circumstances, share the very small home causing the teenagers to now use the nearby Arco station for early-morning bathroom duties.

Here’s some of the information from Wednesday's show (Items 1-3 are for California only):
1)      As long as you are in line at the polling place by 8:00 p.m. YOU will be allowed to vote.
2)    voters will need a form of identification. For others, it is not   required.     But, if asked, lessen the stress and present it.
3)      If you make a mistake on your ballot, you are entitled to receive up to two replacement ones – Code 14288.
4)      If you have been CONVICTED of a FELONY and sentence and parole requirements are completed – you can VOTE.
5)      The Election Protection Lawyer Hotline toll-free number is:      1-866-OUR-VOTE

Need help with ballot measures? Review the Liberty Vote Non-Partisan Voter Guide on-line at: http://libertyhill.org
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OUR GASTLY ECONOMY ISN'T CHANGING HALLOWEEN

2008-10-26 08:09:23

WHO said the economy was in a bad way? Aren't we being told families are having it hard because of, among other things, high prices at the gas pump and continually rising food cost?

Back when prices at the Arco Station that I frequent edged beyond the dollar mark my budget allowed, I changed my driving habits by combining trips and by using public transportation. No one needed to tell me the economy was in a bad way. Grocery purchases for my household are now dictated by what store has what on special. Donuts, chips, cookies, ice cream and other goodies no longer make it into our shopping cart. Only the essentials make it to my food cupboard, refrigerator and freezer.

I believe the headlines because they speak quite loudly to me wherever I go. I believe the gloomy projections the big boys continually tout on television, the Internet and in the newspaper. But I was at the yardage store the other day and what a surprise I had. Then I went to the craft store and came to think the economy wasn't quite what the headlines and my circumstances have lead me to believe.

"She wants to be a mermaid this year," said the young blond mother standing at the cutting table as she smiled while discussing the Halloween costume she was making for her daughter.

"And do you make one every year?" I inquired. Yes, a new costume for every year because each year the child's new teacher had a different theme. And then, of course, what youngster would want to be the "same"
year after year. Of course, children outgrow last year's everything.

By the time the young mom had the yardage cut and had gathered up matching thread, zipper, elastic, some other notions, flashy trim and the pattern she'd racked up a bill of $43. Ms. Mom whipped out her credit card and the deal was done. Well, sort of. Didn't look to me like her household was making any drastic changes. But who am I to say? Maybe being a mermaid for Halloween was far down on the list of what to cut.

But it was the craft store that set me on my heels. There I found millions of shoppers with carts filled with millions of everything that comes in Halloween colors of orange, yellow, brown and red.

Carts were filled to the brim with pumpkins, fake leaves and stems, tablecloths, cups, napkins. huge black spiders, webs, haunted houses, ghosts, witches and, well, you get the picture.

Apparently I had misjudged the nation's suffering. On my drive back home, I noticed Halloween in front yards on just about every residential block. Fake bats were swinging from trees. Cemetery scenes were created on front lawns and some complete with corpses lounging nearby.

Uh, why was I at the yardage store? Am I making a costume for my teenage Brandi? I guess I owe an explanation for the craft store excursion, also.

Hard times hit each of us in different ways. Some relish in revelry - costumes and yard decorations. Others, like myself, decide to bring back skills from long ago that will create avenues of additional revenue. Yup, I'm back at my Singer sewing machine and the craft table in our back bedroom is now full of supplies. Hard times? Where I came from things were always this way. Let's not forget the past and how we made it through.

If mermaid costumes, ghost, goblins, tombstones and bats in trees help some of us bear the financial crisis, then so be it. Have a happy Halloween, even if it means wearing this year’s popular Sarah Palin mask.
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GET 'EM REGISTERED TO VOTE

2008-10-19 08:26:43

DID our high school teachers and administrators remember to get students who are or will be 18 on or before Nov. 4, registered so they can vote?

Maybe the civic teachers, government teachers and all the other entities on high school campuses who are there to help teach our youth civic responsibility, are getting this done. If not, they ought to wake up because they only have one more day.

I'll admit it's pretty much the family who should see to it that their kids know about the voting process. But what about the kids who live with parents, uncles, aunts and a whole bunch of others who just don't bother?

I recently listened to someone pose a pretty nasty rhetorical question referring to people who don't vote. "Who should be concerned?" the man muttered, and then looked at the rest of us who were part of the small group of people he was with. He kept going with another slammer by concluding with the following: "Don't you know people create their own destiny?"

But where's a kid supposed to find out about placing their mark on the ballot if their parents, relatives or other adults around them don't bother to participate in the process?

Youths have an ongoing opportunity to learn civic responsibility in school because they've got student government. How does the student body president get that position if votes aren't cast?

Does every kid on campus take part in student elections? Of course not. Does every kid on campus care who's serving on the school council? I'm sorry to say, but the answer is heck, no!

Who should be concerned?

Since it was a rhetorical question, I was never expected to provide an answer. Others in the small group left the matter alone as well.

My grandmother, a staunch Republican, never missed marking her ballot in every election she was allowed to vote in. Was her dedication because of involvement in high school elections?

Granny Picket never went to high school, but she knew women fought for the right to vote and she knew African Americans had to fight, also.

But far too many of today's young people haven't got a clue when it comes to anything beyond texting, MySpace and iPods.

"The right to vote?" would most probably be their rhetorical question they wouldn't want an answer to.

Parents aren't expected to teach their children history, algebra or foreign languages, so maybe it shouldn't be left to them to teach civic responsibility.

Come on folks, it's not too late to register in California for the Nov. 4 election, but the deadline is Monday at midnight.

Pick up a registration post card at any library or post office. If you live in Northwest Pasadena you'll find them at barbershops, beauty shops, Hopkins Village, self-service laundries, Berry & Sweeney Pharmacy, Arco service station snack shops and the Fair Oaks Car Wash.

For those in charge of our high school campuses, if you haven't been getting the students registered, do it on Monday.

Parents, if you thought it was someone else's responsibility, think again.

No register, no vote.

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FLOORED IN THE FAST FOOD LINE

2008-10-05 11:53:32

'GOT what she deserved," was the consensus of the group."

"Well," said a quiet lady who was sitting on the sideline and who hadn't ventured to join in the conversation until things were all summed up.

"I don't know about all of that," she continued slowly and thoughtfully. Finally she ventured to question the judgment of the two men and three women who said the teenager who was knocked to the floor at a fast-food restaurant by a male customer needed to learn a lesson.

"Seems his actions were plain ol' illegal. You can't just walk around punching people in the face," the quiet lady finally said.

But there was no turning around the judgment of the group.

One of the men said, "A punch is a natural reaction for dissing someone."

Another man said, "Teenagers nowadays are completely out of hand."

Witnesses at the scene of the punch reported the 16-year-old had "cussed" the man who walked into the restaurant while she stood in line with friends.

Then there's the opinion of the seasoned high school teacher who deals with belligerent teens on an hourly basis. She failed to see the "hooray the girl had it coming" point of view.

"Violence is violence, no matter how it gets packaged," the teacher said while trying hard to figure out how any adult would act in such a manner and she was further trying to understand a point of view that said "cussing" someone meant getting floored.

The surveillance video was on the news this past week as the cameras caught most of the this amazing action at the fast-food place. But will the Los Angeles police be able to catch the suspect?

Witnesses, it is said, described what he was wearing but that was as far as they went. "Hey, folks on Crenshaw Boulevard (the street where it happened) don't remember seeing anything when somebody gets shot dead so who's gonna speak up when some smart-mouth teenager gets what her momma should a been giving her all this time?" said a man from the group.

There's more going on in this story than meets the eye of those cheering and claiming the teenager may now have learned a needed lesson.

Yes, her momma shoulda been teaching her not to disrespect anyone. But what, let us ask, should the man's momma have been teaching him?

One piece of this pie that seemed not to have all the ingredients in it when the group chewed on it, was the two young boys who came into the place with the suspect and who he quickly escorted out when he left.

Can't help but wonder about all the abuse the young kids have in life. Not a good story.

Me? In truth, I wasn't too sorry the girl had been floored and that's because, like the group, I'm pretty damn sick of surly, rude, disrespectful teenagers wearing clothes that are too tight, or hanging off their butts, talking all kind of trash and thinking no one has the right to corral them - including parents, teachers, police and probation officers.

Unfortunately, as a reasonable person, I have to agree with the high school teacher and the woman who wouldn't go along with the "she deserved it" group.

But somehow deep down I can't help but know that in some kind of way something has to be done to put today's marauding, undisciplined teenagers in check with their "can't touch this" attitude that's prevalent whether they are in line, riding the bus, standing on the street corner or walking through their parent's homes.

Where's Bill Cosby? He knows how to give 'em hell!

This blog can be found in our column section where it can be printed and/or emailed to a friend

AN UPBEAT STORY

2008-09-29 00:39:16

WANT an upbeat story? Check out your neighborhood public library and there's a plenty. While I suspect I'm known for continually shining light on the nonsense that prevails in our society, libraries are sacred ground for me.

As an elementary school student, living in Los Angeles at 1206 W. 36th St., our neighborhood library, not far from the USC campus, was a weekly walk-to place for my sister and I.

But in those days, just about every thing in my neighborhood was a walk-to place including all the museums in Exposition Park.

Nowadays, life isn't just around the corner anymore. However, one cultural icon is still only a few feet away. Neighborhood libraries, it's exciting to observe, have maintained their presence in the community and are still referred to as branches.

The use of the word feet is not meant to be just the measurement of distance here, but also the mode of transportation when we walk or see to it that our children practice this important activity to take them where they need to go.

Every week as a young boy, Stuart Feigin walked to the small West Hollywood public library that wasn't too terribly far from his home.

One book he checked out made a lasting imprint on his life. While he says there weren't many books, one of them was "How to Program an IBM 1401," and he read it cover to cover.

Feigin, now 61, a successful software designer who credits the book with getting him started, is donating $1 million to the West Hollywood Library Fund toward the group's effort to raise money for a new library to replace the little one he used to walk to and for the development and construction of a community center.

Feigin has held major positions in the technology field. He is said to have an "unending" interest and career in technology and electronics. He is chairman of the board of Oracle, a multi-million dollar corporation.

All because he walked to the library? All because he read "How to Program an IBM 1401" from cover to cover?

Not all because. But the book got him started.

When's the last time your kid spent a few hours in your neighborhood public library? That walk you've been planning can be to a neighborhood cultural icon for the entire family.

Don't know where the closest library is? But you do remember driving past a few gothic-styled structures? Fear not! Call your central library and get the lowdown. Tell 'em where you live and they'll tell you the closest branch. Go online and Google the name of your city and the word library.

Just blocks from your own home, you just may help to launch your kid's career. Think now of the money squeeze and know you won't have to buy goodies at the snack bar, like at the movie theater, because there is no eating or drinking allowed in this place of books.

Also, you will not have to buy an admission ticket, because the place of books is free.

Times haven't changed so much as we have. There are still cultural icons just a few feet away, but it seems we'd rather get in our cars passing by the good stuff to get to the places costing more than our average households can afford.
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This blog also appears in the columns section where it can be printed and/or emailed to a friend.

TALK ABOUT VOTING!

2008-09-20 23:40:23

THE 2008 presidential campaign provides families on both sides of the political aisle some of the best lessons life has to offer.

Hot off the grill we get a look at unsafe sex resulting in teenage pregnancy and how families face the issue.

Then there's the question of credibility that, as parents, we have an opportunity on a daily basis to discuss and evaluate with our youth while we sit together chowing down at dinnertime.

Put civic responsibility lessons at the top of the chart. In fact, voting is always a discussion we need to have with our offspring.

In the middle of all this, there are too many families, and the parents lead the way, believing the candidates, campaigns, issues propositions on the ballot, along with registering and voting, have nothing to do with them.

While Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican VP candidate, is on just about everyone's talk list, for some it's her shenanigans that keep the conversation from taking root at the dinner table.

"Don't be silly," a parent demanded of me as she proceeded to talk about her teenage daughter who had a baby during her senior year in high school.

"Just what was she supposed to talk about with her kid?" she went on to ask. Mom remembered the family had been devastated to learn they would not be attending the high school graduation ceremony relatives as far away as Belize were planning to experience. And then mom continued to talk about the shame her

family experienced upon becoming part of the demeaning statistics that plague the African-American community.

Teenage pregnancy in low-income and minority communities that is billed as shameful, now being billed as a blessing when it comes to Palin's daughter, isn't a conversation this mom knew how to conduct, she said.

But the double standard is the exact kind of issue that leads the way to civic responsibility.

Susan B. Anthony and the women who worked with her in the suffrage movement surely must have had more than a few discussions that resulted in women being given the right to vote.

These suffragettes weren't willing to live with a double standard of men having the right and women being denied.

The Voting Rights Act of 1965 protecting African Americans' historic fight to have their voices count on election day didn't come about because citizens shrugged their shoulders and said it was too hurtful of an issue for them to face head-on.

These civil-rights activist weren't willing to live with a double standard of whites having the right to vote and blacks being denied.

Then, this year, there's the lesson of duplicity. Our teenagers who often think they can fill out a job application by making themselves look like the person for the position can learn a lot by participating in a serious dissecting of the credentials Palin presents that are constantly being unraveled by up-close examination.

Whoa! These topics aren't worth discussing if the family isn't going to encourage all members who are, or will be, 18 years old by Nov. 4 to register to vote by Oct. 20.

For example, take teenage pregnancy, sex education and the right for a woman to choose and get the dinnertime round-table discussion members to put it into a 2008 election context and then talk about civic responsibility.

The time is long overdue to get everyone in our families involved in civic responsibility. Voting doesn't come about naturally. I suspect it's a family tradition.

This blog also appears in our website column section where you can both print it and email to a friend (or foe!).

DEFERENCE

2008-09-13 21:43:31

WHAT started as a simple search for T-shirts ended in an understanding of what Sen. John McCain's Republican presidential campaign wanted the news media to afford their vice-presidential candidate in interviews.

Brandi and I headed for South Lake Avenue, where she said she'd seen the office for the Democratic Party's headquarters.

"Obama, Obama," she chanted, intertwining her voice with the tune on her iPod, as we cruised at low speed looking for the place

Hey, she was right. There it was a stone's throw from Ross - the low-cost store. Forget that image of this political party being elitist.

Following the kid's directions, I turned left, made another left onto Shopper's Lane, found a spot and parked the car.

We made our way to the front of the office from the back door entrance.

As we left the place, Brandi made a mockery of my use of the word "deference."

"I think you mean `difference,"' she said with a voice that only a know-it-all who has at last reached the magic age of knowing she knows more than almost everyone else when it comes to vocabulary.

There's nothing better than helping the younguns get back in their place.

Using the back door at Headquarters meant, once inside, we had to walk about a third of a city block to get to the front. The office appeared well staffed, with many folks behind desks as we walked the gauntlet.

Should the folks at headquarters have provided Brandi and I the same deference the Republicans had been demanding the media grant Senator John McCain’s running mate in this presidential campaign ?

What's with the Democrats on South Lake? How come my kid and me couldn't get polite respect - that is, putting our interest in a first-place category? Our interest, according to the meaning of deference, should have come before the paper pushing the folks at the desks continued to do as we walked past - both entering and exiting.

A simple smile and a quick word of welcome? No such courtesy.

"Difference," insisted Brandi.

Over on Lincoln Avenue, on the colored side of town, we stopped at a not-so-great looking shop that had a large picture of Obama painted on the south side of the building and a scrubby-looking sign propped on the sidewalk that said "Register to Vote" with an arrow pointing toward the door.

We left this place with four Obama T-shirts, an Obama hat and an order for the shirt the teenager in charge said he could get for us.

"Oh, you're talking about the shirt that has my man's picture on the front and the word `change' across the bottom with sequins," the teenager explained to me with utmost deference when I had trouble describing the shirt I wanted but he didn't have on the shelf.

Actually, the lady at the front who was in charge of shirt sales in the South Lake headquarters did acknowledge our presence and provided information on the shirts we didn't want because they weren't as flashy as those we'd seen people wearing.

"Difference versus sameness," said Brandi, who was still arguing as we pulled into our driveway claiming I had cut her off earlier and she didn't get to express her true feelings about the problem on South Lake.

The T-shirt lady was the same as we are - black. The other people in the office were different - white, seemed to be Brandi's reasoning.

How often the color issue enters the picture when it shouldn't be there. A white friend of mine tells me he visited the headquarters with his two blonde children. They took the same walk, passing all the people sitting at all the desks. No one spoke to them. They left without asking for the information they had gone there for.

Knowledgeable people have told me that volunteers staff the headquarters.

Oh, is that an excuse?

Both my friend and I spotted Jon Furman, the area Democrat honcho, sitting at one of those desks.

Deference is the word, Ms. Brandi.

MEET MICHAEL

2008-09-07 08:38:43

We owe you a big apology. Our website has been pretty much out of "whack" for the past too many months. You should now be able to post comments here on the blog and, by the way, take a look at our YouTalk forum there maybe something you want to say. Hey, just take a look around and see what's up. Thanks for sticking with us!

THEY'RE off and running. Too bad I'm not willing to claim our students, who are now back in school from summer vacation, are off and learning.

Michael told me that getting out of bed late on the first day of school having to "book" to the bus stop in the heat of the morning got him started on the right foot. Actually, from his account of things both feet got pumped up.

But who, I asked, was to blame for this late start? "School shouldn't start in September because the weather is still hot," was his first snippy answer.

With a little more thought to the question, though, Michael, who told me he hates school, said it didn't really matter when he got called back from his leisure life of summer. He would always be bookin' to catch the bus.

Bookin' has nothing to do with studying, learning or having an interest in school. Bookin', as used by many kids, means getting there.

Michael, a high school senior, has managed to make it through the education maze by mastering the art of shuck and jive.

He has been cheating on quizzes and exams for years. His homework is the result of girls who do it for him. His ability to read is so low that he probably isn't capable of completing his school assignments.

Why does he trouble himself to show up for school? How come he even gets out of bed each day? Why hasn't Michael just plain ol' dropped out?

While this young man says he hates school, he readily admits loving the social life it provides him. Michael entertains his homies all day long no matter what class he's in.

Among other things, this student is armed with an arsenal of jokes, proven ways of irritating the teachers, pint-size toys to throw around the classroom and a special swagger he uses when he leaves his seat to stroll around between the desks or tables in the room.

School isn't a learning experience. Then again, maybe it is, because Michael has shown up for school each day for many years to practice his sham.

This student of the absurd has reason to rise and shine each day because school is his playing field. He woos the young ladies who are attracted to his good looks and glib lines. He always manages to hit on the girls who have good grades and are willing to pass him answers to quizzes and to do his homework.

Michael has no reason to drop out of school. He seldom misses class and even has a thing against being tardy. School is his life. Academics and learning don't figure into the equation.

The teachers keep passing him onto the next grade. The school administrators haven't got a clue as to what's going on. The parents of Michael are looking forward to his graduation next June and have no quarrel with the outrageous expenses they feel are necessary to complement this major accomplishment in life.

Handsome young Michael is off and bookin' to catch the bus to school for his last year of being the class fool. But he's only fooling himself.

This blog can also be found in the columns section where you can forward it or print a copy.

PUMP UP YOUR KIDS FOR THE ELECTION

2008-08-24 08:06:33

TITLE on my e-mail was a simple WOW with an exclamation mark. Born in 1965 just before Watts - in the first Los Angeles Riot - went up in flames, my daughter who lives in Colorado exclaimed she'd received credentials to attend the Obama acceptance speech in Denver.

As a kid, she and her sister used to stand outside supermarkets with a clipboard full of voter registration post cards getting people to sign-up for their civic duty.

Did they want to do it?

As parents, do we ever really know how they're going to respond to the early pressures we put on them? Maybe I should have called it guidance and not pressure.

The youngest of my crew, who is a senior in high school, sat glued to the television set the other night watching CNN's "McCain Revealed." "This is very interesting," she announced beckoning me to join in on the viewing.

Brandi, my youngest, isn't a Senator McCain supporter but she certainly came to recognize credentials matter and that while he may not be her pick, he can't be discounted.

There's a lot to learn in front of the boob tube these days.

The time has come for parents to seize a unique opportunity that can help in guiding the young members of their households into politically active individuals - no matter the age and no matter the choice of political party.

Politically active isn't meant to mean protest, flag burning (as in the 1960s) or student marchers. Politically active in the simplest of terms means being aware of the process and the first step

can be to treat the kids to the up-coming political conventions - both of them.

Boring, the teenagers will no doubt complain. But how many of us complain that government classes are no longer available in the high schools? And how many of us have bothered to pick up the slack at home?

The kids may not yet be 18-years-old, the required age for voting, but it's not too early to get them pumped up.

Bring home a few registration post cards and let them see what they'll need to do when they reach the magic age. Boring you just might hear them say, but that's pretty much their usual comment.

Boring may well be accompanied by, "My vote won't count, anyway."

But ask the children, once they've seen the hordes of delegates at the conventions via live television coverage, why they think all those people are participating in the process if their vote doesn't count.

Boring? Our offspring seem to always think they should be entertained. But if they keep the remote tuned to the conventions they're apt to see some of their favorite celebs.

Voting is a family affair. If you don't they probably won't. Get pumped up for the November election - now - and while doing so let's spread the enthusiasm throughout the household and beyond.

Wow!

The daughter in Colorado who once rolled her eyes and grumbled because she had to stand outside supermarkets getting people registered to vote is now claiming she feels she's about to be part of history.

Boring! She exclaimed way back when but now she's headed for Denver and the biggest excitement of her life.

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This blog appeared in the San Gabriel Valley Newspapers on Saturday, August 23 and is also on line on the Pasadena Star News Website. It is available in our "column" section and that gives you the opportunity to forward and to print a copy

SUPERVISOR MICHAEL D. ANTONOVICH

2008-08-21 21:34:32

What makes Mike Antonovich, a Los Angeles County Supervisor, so dedicated to the well-being of children in the foster care system?

As guest on Wednesday’s Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith Live Call-In Show, Antonovich responded to that question by telling of an experience he had as a schoolteacher in the years before he became an elected official. That experience, he said, brought him to know up close the horrors of child abuse.

And the Supervisor’s been a champion for children who are in harms way ever since.

While the media feeds the public regular news stories relating to problems within the county’s foster care system, our LIVE conversation Wednesday didn’t focus on the negative, and instead offered ways for people to become involved in making life better for children either as individuals or through churches, service clubs or other organizations.

Often children are placed in group homes, and a caller wanted to know the number of these in his community. It’s often claimed by residents that there is a proliferation of these “businesses” and that the youth in them create problems for the neighborhood.

By follow-up email the caller made it clear he wasn’t on the side of the complainers but that he needed the facts to answer them back when the issue resurfaces, as it continually does.

While the answer wasn’t available during the broadcast, that’s the service our YouTube Forum here on the site provides. Post the question and the guest, or in this case the Supervisor’s staff, will post an answer.

Got questions? Go to our YouTalk Forum. Got questions? Contact Tony Bell in the Supervisor's office at (213) 974-5555 or by email at: TB@ lacbos.org.

But wait, there’s more. Cathy Walsh from the Los Angeles County Safely Surrender program shed light on why desperate mothers might put their newborn baby in a dumpster rather than taking them to a hospital in Los Angeles County or to any fire station.

Help spread the word about the Safely Surrender progam that asks no questions and is done with no name, no shame and no blame. If you missed the show, get the facts at:www.babysafela.org

If you saw the show and need a speaker or just want more information, visit the above website.

Become involved in helping a foster child have a broader vision of life’s possibilities. Call the Los Angeles County Foster Youth Mentorship Opportunies Program at (213) 361—0106

And don’t forget there are hundreds of children needing a supportive and nurturing placement. Los Angeles County "Adopt a Foster Child" Hotline: (888) 811-1121.

In case everyone doesn’t know, I’m a foster parent and Brandi has been in my care for 17-years and 3 months. That's all of her life and a huge slice of mine. Phew!

WHERE'S CAYLEE? A CASE OF LIES AND DENIAL

2008-08-15 23:03:29

THE troublesome story of Caylee Anthony, the 3-year-old Florida girl who has been missing for over a month, follows a pattern the public has been introduced to before.

In times past, we've been made to sympathize with the family members who reported the crime only to realize they were liars. Upon the facts of the case being made known, it turns out they committed the crime.

Casey - Caylee's mother - who now sits in an Orlando jail charged with neglect and with filing a false statement, says she can't talk about who has her daughter or where they are because she fears harm will come.

But Casey didn't bother to report her child missing until the grandmother made a frantic call to 9-1-1 saying Caylee hadn't been seen for weeks and she feared the worst, her first clue being there was an odor of a decomposed body in their car.

Casey promptly sent police on a wild goose chase looking for a baby sitter she claimed hadn't brought the little girl back home to their home.

But as fast as the police tracked down that story, mom concocted another and then another one. And then another one. But no stories produced Caylee, and the most recent word, as of this writing, is the whereabouts can't be divulged because the child might be harmed.

The child has already been done away with. The charade needs to stop.

While Granny once feared for the worse, she and grandpa are now wearing Caylee T-shirts, collecting money and driving a decorated vehicle pulling a trailer with signage asking for help in finding the little girl.

This Grandma recalls to me the mother of Damian "Football" Williams, who was captured on news cameras during the 1992 riots in Watts beating truck driver Reginald Denny. She later claimed her son had done no wrong.

Is there a special kind of parental or family denial that, in the case of Williams, the mom couldn't see the camera images, and in the Caylee case, Grandma isn't willing to follow her initial gut feeling based on reasonable clues?

The public knows Casey is lying about what's happened to Caylee and I suspect others might join me in saying Grandma needs to get real!

We've been through this before. In 1994 there was Susan Smith, who had the world agonizing with her over the reported hijacking of her car that had her two young sons in the back seat.

Smith is currently serving a life sentence in the big house for murdering the boys by pushing the car into a nearby lake where they drowned.

The Casey lies also may be turned into a conviction and a life sentence in prison. I look forward to the shovel she borrowed from her neighbor, during an interesting timeline that's been developed surrounding the last time the child was seen alive, becoming a key piece of evidence in the burial of the missing body.

Conversation surrounding this story has some folk claiming the police in Florida aren't doing their job. I think they're working the case and the public just isn't privy to the details.

Conversation surrounding this story has some folk believing mom is whacked out on drugs and really doesn't know what's going on while others think she has a mental condition.

Not being savvy enough to know the behavior patterns of those whacked out, I'm going for the mental condition, which is, in part, supported by mom's reported living her life as a habitual liar.

What's going on here? Nothing really new. Kid dies; maybe it's not even murder. Mom tells lies, stupid ones, to cover up what happened. Relatives don't want to face reality. Old story.

In the end, police will get that all-important break that will put them in the driver's seat instead of the grandparents creating a spectacle cruising around in a vehicle asking for help in finding Caylee.

Unusual Suspects

2008-08-13 21:54:15

While the YWCA’s mission to eliminate racism and empower women is, indeed, lofty, the steps they are taking pretty much depend on the rest of us.

The forums, workshops and other programs developed by them to address these selected issues all too often, like so many opportunities, everywhere, suffer for lack of participants

Denise Jones, chairperson of Pasadena Y’s Racial Justice Committee, today’s guest on Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE, didn’t make a big to do about the “unusual suspects,” as we came to call those folk who never show up for the events staged for their benefit.

Unusual Suspects? Well, they came to be named such because most programs and events are pretty much attended by the same people and the Y doesn’t stand alone in this. one.

How many organizations hire outreach coordinators to beat the bushes to find the very sleeping souls their mission and projects are made for?

While Jones wasn’t in the guest seat to carry on about who comes to the programs and who doesn’t, it was ME who jumped on the chance to hammer away at parents for allowing their teenagers to sleep-in on Saturday mornings rather than join in for something beneficial.

I apologized to Jones for going on a tangent but then I took back my “I’m sorry” because I meant every word I hurled at parent and caretaker viewers.

Yes, I demanded, for whatever good it didn’t do, that parents get Jerome and Jantell out of bed on Saturday mornings and make sure they come home early on Friday night so they can do something that stimulates their intellectual and educational growth.

Maybe the Unusual Suspects don’t participate because they don’t feel welcome. Maybe they don’t participate because they really aren’t welcome.

What’s your take on social service organizations mainly serving the Usual Suspects?

During viewer call in, Racial Justice Committee chairperson Jones talked Alice, from Riverside, though her concerns about the dismantling of affirmative action in California. While Jones said her committee worked mainly with local issues she was willing, she said, to have it on the committee agenda for discussion.

Read about the YWCA’s available programs in our News/Announcements section.
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Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE airs Wednesdays 12:00 noon to 1:00 p.m. and can be seen by visiting this website, during broadcast hours, and clicking on the PCAC logo on the homepage. Call in at (626) 794-2116 or (626)794-2551

Next week's guest: Los Angeles County Fifth District Supervisor, Michael D. Antonovich
Topic: Foster Care

Talk Back to us in comments or YouTalk Forum.

SENIOR YEAR MUST-HAVES ADD UP

2008-08-09 07:49:29

THE listed requirements for graduating from high school in California are reasonably straightforward. There's no fuzzy language. There's no small print. There's nothing parents need to figure out.

Of course, individual students whose choice of classes may not fit the mold may have a few questions, but this type of situation has been planned for in advance as students are provided guidance counselors when they enter high school.

Students and their parents are advised of the necessity to pass the California High School Exit Examination with a mathematics score of at least 350. The English-Language Arts passing score is also 350.

Then there's the required number of units to be completed, and in Pasadena Unified School District that's 220. Equally important on the list are the required classes, which include the math, science and history kind of basics.

But when that high school senior year comes around parents are barraged with a few new suggestions on the high school exit plan that have no real classification other than molestation of the already over-extended household budget.

The necessary items for exiting high school are based, thank goodness, on academic achievement and not on coins in the pocketbook. But the notifications for spending money have no disclaimer in bold type that says, "Not A Requirement for Graduation."

First comes a senior picture. And this expense gets socked to parents just before school convenes in September. It's an early one because the students must have their shots ready for the over-priced high school yearbook and that will cost anywhere from $90 up.

Pictures run from $50, and, well, depending on how delighted the family becomes with the proofs when mailed out to them, this first of the senior year expense can climb into the many hundreds of dollars.

The initial expenditure gets one pose for the yearbook. OK. But now add another $35 and the graduating senior gets two more poses including one in a cap and gown,

Beyond the shot for the yearbook, we're talking pictures that get ordered for friends and relatives.

And in the months ahead parents will bring out the credit card to cover a host of other major expenses including prom, grad night and graduation announcements.

Ouch! Aren't we experiencing job lay-offs, increased prices at the pump, escalating prices in the grocery store and home foreclosures?

Neither Auntie Zariaha in Florida nor cousin Butch in San Diego really want those expensive pictures parents mail to whatever the relative's name is in whatever city they live in.

Parents can really do themselves, their kids, their budget and their mailing list a big favor by starting off this high school senior year by showing up at the photo session only to order the one shot to be placed in the class of 2009 yearbook.

Harsh? That's what reality is. Speaking of reality, the state requirements for high school graduation only list passing the state exam, completing required courses and the required number of units. Professional photographs do not appear on the list.

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This blog can also be found in our articles section where you can easily email it to a friend. If you missed Wednesday's blog on felons and the homeless voting (due to our technical errors, you should now be able to view it)

WHO TOLD THE FELONS OR THE HOMELESS?

2008-08-07 01:26:51

     My friend Chile who was a guest on our Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith interview show some months ago talked about her early years in foster care, teenage years as a runaway and also about her felony conviction that happened exactly when she had her eighteenth birthday.

      A lot of things go against a convicted felon and one of those, so
chile thought, was losing the right to vote. I thought the same thing and so did a bunch of other folk. including Cathy who called our Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith LIVE show today and talked about felons losing out.

     Thanks to Robbie Davis from the League of Women Voters, who was the guest, for setting the record straight.

     In California, said Davis, once a felon has served the time and is off parole, they can take part in the process by registering, showing up at their polling place or by mailing in that sample ballot.

     Makes a person wonder how so many of us didn't know the details, here. And just imagine how many of those, like Chile, who haven't taken part in the election process because no one told them they could.

     Since these folk have been left out, it just may have been a civic responsibility they didn't encourage their kids to participate in. Then again, being stripped, or thinking they'd been stripped, of their right may have played out in the opposite direction.

     Do we vote because it's a family tradition?

     Here's another piece of uncirculated information.

     Those who are without stable and reliable living quarters may still register to vote and simply describe on the form where they can generally be found. Under the 4th Street Bridge is an acceptable description. But an address where mail can be sent is required. The homeless, said Davis, can make arrangements for this with a nearby shelter.   This, it seems to me, although it wasn't brought up in the discussion, would also serve as an address for determining a polling location.

     Can't help but wonder who has taken the time to let the homeless know about this and if voting is a family tradition, how many homeless families have the energy to help their kids understand this phase of American civic responsibility?

For voter information go to www.smartvoter.org

ARROGANT THUGS

2008-08-02 07:40:09

`THUGS!"

"Where?"

"Come on, now; you see them."

The descriptive comment was meant for the group of black teenage males strolling north on Lincoln Avenue in Northwest Pasadena. Some had basketballs in their hands.

They weren't loud and they weren't rowdy. They weren't dribbling the balls and they weren't doing Harlem Globetrotter tricks as they cut through the McDonald's parking lot.

"Don't you have some nephews?" I inquired of my companion. "Don't they look pretty much like `the thugs?"'

"Well," remarked my somewhat indignant and very foolish friend, "I do have nephews, but they're not that color. My nephews aren't dark brown."

And then I turned on the news that same night only to hear the political pundits - or was it John McCain, himself - claiming Obama was playing the race card.

Obama IS the race card, just like the young men who were headed north on Lincoln.

Trying to make sense out of being black in America is a wearisome task when it comes to living the experience - it only gets crazier when it comes to explaining it to the children.

The wise parent of color reminds their children they can be anything they want in this great land of milk and honey. But while we beat the drums for "being all you can be," we must, at the same time, lecture on the need to get up earlier, stay up later and work harder than others if life's goals are to be accomplished.

Parents have to make sure our African-American kids are bilingual - they have to speak standard English and they have to know the language of the `hood.

We have to remind our kids they're going to be called arrogant and elitist if they exude an air of accomplishment or display tenacity and self-worth.

The Obama campaign is the reflection of what my folks have known all along about life, for us, in America. The Obama campaign is giving us current examples to teach from.

I'm told my 12-year-old grandson put on one of his white shirts with a tie, smiled in the mirror and said, "I'm Obama and I'm running for president of this country!"

Trouble for the grandson is he plays basketball and it was school game day that had him posing in the mirror as our future candidate.

I think his mother gives him a ride to school every day. Otherwise, if he's hanging with a group of his homies - young black males, that is - and walking down the street in the town where he lives, he's a thug.

The old time lectures of harder-earlier-later may not be preached today because too many of us in this country think times have changed.

They haven't!

My companion who took us through the McDonald's drive-thru for his cup of iced coffee seemed to believe his fair-skinned African-American nephews wouldn't be seen as thugs because, as they used to say in my community, "they were light, bright and damn near white."

"Your nephews aren't what color?" I began my inquiry as he sipped his cold drink.

As he switched to gulping the contents of his cup, he remarked, "I've never really liked your take on life."

________________________________

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JACKSON REALIZED THE SHOE FIT

2008-07-11 22:58:32

Who would have thought longtime civil rights activist Jesse Jackson's lengthy relationship with microphones hadn't taught him a thing or two?

And one of those things, I would think, would have been: You never really know if the the mic is on or off.

Thing two for those in the public domain, as Jackson has been for more than 40 years, is simple - anything you say can , and most certainly will, be held against you.

Jackson is a disappointment, as people expect so much more from those, like him, who in society carry the weight of having made a mark in history for contributing to the good of humanity - and this man has done that with his years on the front line fighting the often rhyming message for equality.

While Jackson has quickly apologized for having whispered to a fellow guest on a Fox interview set that Obama talks down to black people and that he would like to cut off the presidential hopeful's testicles, I don't believe there's any real remorse for this viewpoint - only remorse for having been stupid enough to get caught in one more precarious position regarding fatherhood.

It's said the whisper, the condemnation, was about Obama's Father's Day message from the pulpit of a black church in which Obama said black fathers needed to recognize fatherhood is a responsibility that goes far beyond impregnating a woman. Obama talked further about absentee fathers - fathers who are AWOL.

Talking down? Irresponsible fathers in the black community were the very topic of conversation that made headlines a few years back when, as a married man, Jackson fathered a child out of wedlock.

Talking down? America doesn't need leadership that doesn't address issues, no matter the color, head-on.

Now if John McCain, the Republican candidate, had said exactly what Obama said that morning from the pulpit, he would have been branded a racist with no hope in sight for explaining what he meant.

If Bill or Hillary Clinton had dared tell the truth about missing black fathers, they too would still be attempting to clear the air.

The lack of parenting has become a social problem, no matter the color, income or social status of the family.

Should Obama be telling Americans how to parent? Is parenting going to be a plank in his presidential platform?

This isn't the first time the Democrat has addressed the lack of parenting as an issue. Back when he and Hillary were battling for the party's nomination, he said parents needed to turn off the television.

I guess back then Jackson didn't have a whispering opportunity to claim Obama was talking down to parents - all parents.

Talking down? Jackson hasn't had much of a chance to explain himself other than issuing the apology. He could work his way out of this one by simply saying that, in his viewpoint, talking down simply means telling the truth.

Now, about irresponsible fathers and Jackson's out-of-wedlock child - I guess the old expression about the shoe fitting has just been too much for him to bear or wear.

About cutting off Obama's testicles, there's no out for Jackson on this one unless he stays with the excuse of truth and admits what really bothers him is this black presidential hopeful has got more nerve than he did when he sought our nation's highest office back in 1984.

Jackson, who like Hillary's husband Bill is pretty much known for his sexual misdeeds, might know that he's given the public a full view of his sick nature and fade, at last, from the arena of social commentary.

Somewhere, somehow, there has got to be somebody who can help Jackson understand his "I am Somebody" is no longer a working slogan. Who will help Jackson fade into oblivion?
Black families are in serious trouble and Obama is to be applauded for taking Bill Cosby's tell it like it is position into the political arena.

Maybe a Department of Parental Responsibility is worth considering. More government meddling? Maybe, but somethings got to bring Americans to their senses when it comes to protecting our children and that means helping parents understand their responsibility.

IS HILLARY THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK?

2008-05-31 01:48:48

      The long-running 2008 presidential campaign just keeps showing up in my house. It seems to have taken up a permanent residence.
    Thanks to my Brandi being plopped, by me, into an Advance Placement English class at her high school, she seems groomed for debate. So when Hillary categorized Obama as an elitist, Brandi said she wasn't sure the senator from New York even knew the meaning of the word.
    Truly, Brandi was a little full of herself on that one. Just because she has to define and use tons of words that I've never heard of, to relegate Hillary to the back seat in a slow learners' class wasn't kosher and it wasn't a discussion I was going to join.
     But no matter. For a few brief moments when her iPod earphones weren't turned to high, I heard her say, "And just who was it that loaned themselves millions of dollars!"
     It isn't that we've got rivalry going on in the household. I dislike Hillary as much as my kid does, but, geez, leave the woman alone sometimes.
     Isn't every politician somewhat of, what's that word, oh, yeah, elitist. How else are they going to fill their campaign coffers if they don't pander, in some way, to the fat cats?
     If it were up to me, I'd see to it that all these politicos who are looking for votes pandered to the plain folk; after all, our ballots, I think, get counted the same way the fat ones do.
     I hear that Hillary hit the streets of Pasadena a few weeks back to grab some Fat Cat cash. Did you know she was here?
     Aside from the costly fundraising event, was there a rally where the common folk had the opportunity to show up to cheer her on?
    No!
    Elitist?
    Maybe Hillary was simply the pot calling the kettle black when she slammed her opponent with that title.
    Brandi's not listening to my comments about Obama's wife, Michelle, coming to Pasadena this past Wednesday and only being available to those who had $500 to hear her presentation and schmooze with others in the lush yard on Lombardy Road.
     Michelle wasn't scheduled for a rally at John Muir High School or the Jackie Robinson Center any more than Hillary was scheduled for Blair or PCC, where the average person could show up.
    Brandi doesn't hear my view that both the pot and the kettle are black when it comes to where the candidates get scheduled to spend their time in Pasadena.
    I'd like to think Brandi's into politics and being a responsible citizen, but when I asked her if she voted in the recent election at her school she went into a deep discussion about limited polling places and very long lines.
    I reminded her that our ancestors stood in line overnight when they got the right to vote here in America, and I mentioned black folk walking for days to vote in South Africa. No comment.
     But Brandi was careful not to say any more on the school election for fear, I suspect, of incriminating herself.
    This young lady with the ongoing conversation will, in 2012, help put the president of the United States of America into office. But for now, I'm going to drag her with me to my polling place this coming Tuesday, June 3, so she can get the hang of voting, no matter whether lines are long or short.

A MOTHER'S DAY REMINDER: DON'T FORGET THE HUMOR

2008-05-10 00:36:09

Back in the day when I was doing stand-up comedy, a significant part of my routine was my Mother’s Day special.

The concept of once a year good treatment for us, when we toil 24/7 all the other days, gave me fodder for a great comedic approach to a celebration orchestrated by merchants.raking in the dollars.

I haven’t had an on-stage Mother’s Day gig since Brandi joined my household seventeen years ago but thanks to KABC and KLOS talk radio’s Spotlight on the Community I got a chance to grab the microphone and help mothers make sense out of nonsense.

With Nelkane Benton, the station’s Community Relations Director and Cynthia Fox, on- air personality, we had one of those conversations that went beyond the advertised jewelry, household appliances and electronic specials.

Comedy? Nelkane opened the conversation remembering her mother as being humorous. I closed the discussion advising listeners that without humor raising kids was a tough boat to row.

Comedy? The broadcast booth isn’t exactly the Ice House stage and as adept as Fox and Benton are at keeping a conversation rolling, that atmosphere wasn’t anything like a room full of people staring from the darkness of a dimly lit room demanding, by body language, that they be made to laugh.

Making sense out of nonsense is defined by me as commonsense advise and that’s this year’s Mother’s Day Special coming to the public compliments of talk radio.

What’s a mom to do with a young child who doesn’t behave at a restaurant? What an appropriate discussion point for a day when restaurants are overbooked with family members of all ages and with eating establishments, everywhere, beginning to create policies against serving “children.”

This one was commonsense and not comedy. Every parent needs a workable strategy for helping kids understand the proper behavior for wherever they’re going. I talked about adequate preparation before arriving at the destination.

What about that old neighborhood spirit of every mom being everyone else’s mom? There’s no such thing as a neighbor anymore they are simply called the “people” next door and they’re probably moving next week, anyway, so no real reason to want to meet them?.

Maybe it’s time for moms to be a little more inclusive. Maybe our kid isn’t the cutest and or smartest one on the block or in the classroom. Maybe it’s time to recognize once we start labeling who is cute it means we’re seeing some other child as ugly.

Maybe, if you’re the mother of the smart kid, you just might encourage helping the kid who hasn’t quite caught on, just yet. Maybe moms could start spreading the warmth and inclusion that was once an integral part of who we were.

My Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith Spotlight on the Community interview with Cynthia Fox and Nelkane Benton will broadcast on 780 KABC –AM, radio Saturday, May 10, 6::00 a.m. and on Sunday, May 11. KLO 95.5 –AM at 6:000 a.m.

The interview can also be heard on the stations website via podcast beginning Monday, May 12th, which is the more reasonable optiion. Who among us is up on the weekend at the crack of dawn.

Come to think of it, the interview does end on a comedic note. From back in the day when I did my stand-up Mother’s Day Special, I brought back the line, “We all would have said, not tonight dear” when Fox asked if mothers envisioned the huge responsibility involved with raising kids.

RAMON CORTINES: A SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT WORKING FOR PARENTS

2008-05-06 04:37:47

LAUSD Superintendent, Brewer, has hired former Pasadena Superintendent and local resident, Ramon Cortines, as his number two man.

Brewer has come under criticism for not, as yet, putting his district on an upward trend. Some folk have said, in private, that the sup, a former naval officer isn’t too smart.

I don’t know brewer or follow his actions, but I do know Cortines and that makes me know Brewer ain’t dumb cause hiring this number two guy is truly going to shake things up.

How come I know Cortines and what brings me to believe he’s a shaker?

Back in 1973, or there about, when my son was a student at Washington Junior High School, Charles Lett, the principal, did not allow him to be photographed when class pictures were scheduled because he was not wearing a shirt and tie.

“What!” I exclaimed in shock, when my son casually mentioned this days after the occurrence. I quickly searched my desk for the announcement to parents and as I suspected there was no mention of shirt or tie.

What to do? I didn’t know anybody around here or how best to tackle the insult.

An appointment first with the principal and then with the district’s asst. superintendent Willard Kraft brought wide-eyed stares and fluffy words but no apology or suggestion for amending the wrong.

What next? A call to then superintendent Ramon Cortines’ office provided me with an appointment the very next day. His secretary didn’t ask for my waist measurement, my mother’s maiden name or the details of my need. I simply said I was a parent and I was in.

The Superintendent – our number one man – stood up, from his desk, extended his hand, introduced himself, heard my story, turned red, called his secretary and said, “Get Charlie Lett on the telephone.”

To Charlie Lett he said, “This is Ray your friendly photographer. I want a new class picture. . . .”

One of the biggest problems with schools is that neither parents or students believe any one cares about them. Students dropping out are the problem Cortines is going to work on and behind every student that sees working at McDonalds as a life goal rather than higher education, there’s a parent at home going along with that.

Cortines isn’t going to let parents help their children fail. The man I know will go door to door, if it comes to that.

Back in 1983, one early morning as my daughter prepared to catch the Metro bus to Pasadena High School, Cortines knocked at my front door.

I had written a column about the bus ride from northwest Pasadena to school on the east side of town and that brought our district’s number one man to walk to the Fair Oaks Ave. bus stop and ride public transportation with the students.

He knew how to take a first hand look at what my article had complained about.

Cortines didn’t know me from any other parent the day I sat in his office for the call to Charlie. When I surfaced in later years as a columnist, he probably didn’t know I was the parent he’d met ten years earlier.

Students and their parents are the reason Cortines goes to work. While LAUSD may have hired him, believe me he won’t be working for the district he will work for those the district seems to have forgotten.

Los Angeles’ student dropouts and their parents can start preparing to drop back in.

Talk About Parenting with Shirlee Smith produces television programs that provide parents information to help them prepare children for school and for those children already in school, our programs guide parents in enhancing the educational experience.

The week of May 5th, guest from the Americorp Reading Volunteer Program discuss with Shirlee the emphasis on wiping out illeteracy. The week of May 12th, library coordinator of young adult and children services discusses with Shirlee why we read to children.

Please check our event calendar for program broadcast dates and times. Don't live in Pasadena for Charter channel 56? Shows are available via video streaming. Simply visit our homepage and click on the channel 56 logo.

Also, give us feed back in our forum section OR make comments right here.

Thanks!

RECESSION?

2008-03-28 12:43:11

I suspect I’m not the only head of household who has noted the controversy going on that could be headlined, “Recession or What?”

The big boys, maybe some girls too, apparently have some kind of formula that properly delineates the economic agony we’re experiencing but the truth is, we little folk, don’t much care what the Top Dogs name it.

In my household, a rose by any other name is still a rose, which in this case means, quite simply, the dollar’s not buying what it used to and I’m stretching every penny. Recession or no recession, times are tight.

Shopping at the 99 Cent store has even taken a downward turn with these economic times. It was bound to happen. Some items that were once marked 10 for a dollar are now selling 8 for a dollar.

Some other products on the shelves that used to be 2 for a dollar are now marked 59 cents each.

Recession?

What’s to be done when the pumps at the gasoline station are eating up the food money? What’s to be done when the loaf of bread at the grocery store is short a few slices?

I’ve got one to beat the high price of petrol. But not too many people want to abandon their cars to ride public transportation. And to top it off, not too many parents want to put their kids on the bus, either.

Oh, well.

“You’re not going to have a friend, anywhere,” my Brandi said, as she glanced over my shoulder taking in the above paragraph.

“I ride the bus,” she continued, “because you make me but other people’s mom or dad don’t want to do that.”

Maybe Brandi knows something I don’t. Maybe she’s had a few conversations with friends, the ones who don’t ride the bus, and therefore is one up on me.

Maybe the spoiled kids will keep getting rides from their over indulgent parents and I guess the teenagers with their own vehicles will keep on pumping even when the price of gasoline hits the $4 mark.

Oh, well,

I’m not alone in this quest to stretch the dollar and make ends meet. Nancy Moredock, who by profession is a Mental Health Analyst for the County of Los Angeles and a parent trainer but who, as a former single parent, learned to stretch the dime, says no matter how low the money gets we should always remember to put something away in the cookie jar.

When times are really tough, Moredock says, there won’t be any cookies in the jar so there ought to be plenty of space for that rainy (or rainier) day deposit.

While I suspect most families have tricks of their own to work through these hard times, Moredock is still worth checking out because she shares many of the lessons normally reserved for the Cal-Works clients counsels and introduces to financial stability when neither finance or stability are actually words in their everyday vocabulary.

Add a comment, talk back to us about penny pinching, stretching the dollar and riding out hard times in a grand manner

CALIFORNIA HOMESCHOOLING TAKING A HIT

2008-03-12 02:13:59

Some happenings in our society are just too stupid to comment on. But, then again, there just may be some folk who fail to see the stupidity in the social action or there, also, may be some people who sense it ain’t quite right, but haven’t, been able to justify their questioning of the circumstance.

For these members of the reading public, here goes my take on the California state appellate court’s ruling that parents who homeschool their children must have a teaching credential.

Put quite simply, Justice H. Walter Crowskey and the two other members of the district court who signed his opinion most surely have lost their sensibilities. Most surely this ruling will go by appeal to the state Supreme Court.

Do these men of the appellate court know the school drop out rate in this state? Do they know the school failure rate in California our Golden Poppy State?

Have these guys ever spent time at a public school observing the flim-flam that takes the place of education in the classroom – the classroom which is run by folks who posses the credential they want parents, who homeschool their children, to have

Homeschooling is an awesome undertaking. I know because I’ve been there; done that.

It wasn’t because I thought I knew more, or as much, as those who’d been through the fire to become certificated.

I undertook the job because I realized, like I imagine other homeschooling parents knew, it didn’t matter what kind of professional "paper" the “in” folk had that I didn’t. I did the job because it was clear to me I cared more about my child’s education than the teachers, staff, administrators and “top dogs” over at the education center.

Under the leadership of Arcadia Unified School District’s Rancho Learning Center, Brandi and I plowed through and completed 7th, 8th and 9th grades with flying colors – well flying grades.

Now what would make a woman my age, with over a million items on the to-do-list, who has grown children, grandchildren and even a great-grandchild do something crazy like homeschooling?

Well, there was the 4th grade teacher who had given my child an A+ on an essay that had 15 mispelled words. The teacher explained, when I paid her a visit with essay in hand and the words in question sporting a big red circle around them (my doing) that it wasn’t a spelling test.

Uh, huh. Yes, other educators have upheld this practice of not discouraging students flow of creativity when they are writing. No matter that the paper was the final draft – spelling correctly just didn’t matter.

No room, here, to lay out all the displeasures that visited my household, and there were many, but the finale’ came when I sent a note to the 6th grade gym teacher requesting my child, who is asthmatic, not be on the field during a week when fires were in the foothills and Santa Ana winds were raging.

After the teacher’s adamant refusal, neither the school principal or our board of education, where I finally went and presented the problem, did anything. In the end, I filed a grievance against the teacher, who carried the credentials the state appellate guys believe are what makes an educator.

What makes a parent homeshool? They know they can produce good results.

What makes Crowsky, et al, believe they should chop away at parent's rights to educate their children?.